Finally, The Bachelorette puts the viewer’s need for travel porn above Emily Maynard’s need to keep her daughter Ricki close to home. We’re off to Bermuda! I hope beautiful sandy beaches mean beautiful shirtless men.
The first date card goes to Doug Clerget. It reads, “Let our senses lead the way.” Doug remembers there’s a rose on the one-on-one dates. The guys talk about how much it would suck to come all the way to Bermuda only to have to go right back home. They’re right, that would suck, but probably not as much as a lifetime with Emily.
I know, I know, America’s sweetheart, search for true love, and all that jazz. Let’s just agree to compare notes come mid-July. This season is going to be a smashing success of a love story just to spite me, isn’t it?
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Alejandro Velez speaks. He’s worried about the lack of one-on-one time he’s had with Emily. Honestly, Alejandro, you grow mushrooms for a living. I’m sorry to so harshly school you in the Facts of Life according to Emily, but the Princess isn’t choosing you.
The guys are sitting around a hotel room razzing Doug about his date. Why are they not shirtless yet? Daddy Doug has a potty mouth. Whatever he’s talking about is beeped out no less than 6 times in one minute of time.
Arie Luyendyk Jr. is leading the group in pushing every button Doug has. Emily swoops in to rescue Doug at just the right time. Arie makes fun of Doug to the camera, compares him to The Hulk. Imitating Doug, Arie says, “Doug angry! Doug smash. Doug sad!” Arie moves up on my list of favorite characters.
Emily and Doug walk the streets of St. George. Emily asks Doug how he got to be the way he is now. He says, roughly, “Being a dad, I’m a dad. Did you know I’m a dad? I’m a dad and I have a dad and I run a charity.” Doug constantly impresses Emily.
Next, they make wishes at the Moon Gate. Emily’s wish is that she won’t be single forever. Doug wants to walk through the gate 100 times. His list must include “live happily ever after with Emily” and 99 other equally super important wishes.
Emily and Doug sit for dinner. Emily thinks Doug’s hiding something. She sniffs out a scent that smells like Brad Womack. She says, “Tell me something that’s not perfect about you.” He gives her more perfect, self-appreciating answers. Emily dumbs it down for Doug – asks him for “real” faults. He asks her, “Okay, then. What are your faults?” She’s sensitive. She’s stubborn. Not faults, says Doug. She doesn’t work out and doesn’t change out of her pajamas some days.
Doug isn’t impressed with her faults. Neither am I. A fault is, I drop kick kittens for fun on Saturday nights. A fault is not, I avoid the gym while wearing pajamas all day. If that’s a fault, I could be the poster child for Faults R Us.
Doug gives a speech that goes like this – I’m just a guy. I’m not a genius, but I’m not a dummy. I’m not wealthy, but I’m not poor. I’m just Doug. He’s taking a risk by not mentioning the dad thing. Nevertheless, he gets the rose. So corny, he says, “I’m just Doug – with a rose.”
The next date card is for the group date. It reads, “Let’s set sail on the sea of love.” It’s addressed to Charlie Grogan, Ryan Bowers, Chris Bukowski, Jef Holm, Sean Lowe, Travis Pope , Kalon McMahon, and Arie.
The four bachelors not named ponder the reality of the two-on-one date. They are Nate Bakke, John Wolfner, Michael Nance, and Alejandro. Two men, one stays and one goes and, usually, there’s some drama. With this group of four, does it really matter? Not one of them stands out to me as being front-runners in Emily’s world.
On the group date, the boys are forced to race sailboats. The winners spend more time with Emily. The losers lose. They go back to the hotel where the men are still fully clothed. We might as well have stayed in Charlotte where they at least frolicked around the pool.
The yellow team consists of Arie, Jef, Ryan, and Kalon. On the red team, Charlie, Sean, Travis, and Chris. Sean and Charlie are rocking it for the red team. The yellow team initially falls behind. It’s a real nail biter. The yellow team wins in the end.
Ryan, Arie, Jef, and Kalon spend the evening with Emily. Ryan toasts to their fun day with the “beautiful, possible trophy wife, Emily.” Oh boy, Ryan strikes again. Arie and Emily kiss some more real kisses. He’s definitely getting the “watch their love story unfold” edit.
Jef wants his time with Emily to matter. Like, really matter. Like, for real. He mumbles something like, “I really like who you are. Like, I don’t know, like, where I stand with you, or, like, what I, like, mean to you. When I think about you, I like you. It makes me want to, like, want to, like, be with you.” Despite the fact that Jef talks like a 13-year-old girl, he seems really sweet and genuine. But, Jef totally drops the ball and fails to move in for the kiss. Emily notices.
Ryan’s intentions are clear, he says. He has a lot of depth and a very mature approach to relationships. His master plan is flirting. Emily pokes fun at Ryan and his off the wall sayings. Their exchange is actually entertaining, at first. Then Ryan starts preaching Emily about being a role model to young women and the grand responsibility she has as the Bachelorette. It’s awkward.
Jef gets the group date rose. He’s choked up. Fireworks end the night.
John “Wolf” and Nate “Who?” are the two unlucky ducks who are subjected to the two-on-one date. The date cards reads, “Let’s explore this Bermuda love triangle.” Oh! Is it too much to ask that we lose all three in the mysterious triangle?
Back at the hotel, the guys talk about the difference between 30 and 25. Quick, someone please tell them it’s 5.
Emily, John, and Nate start their date with uneventful cliff diving. They share an uneventful dinner inside of a cave. Nate talks to Emily first. He’s sweet – just too little too late. John is not one of the more showy personalities in the group, but he’s suave in a laid-back kind of way. Emily extends the rose to John, sends Nate home. Well, we hardly knew you, Nate. Have a nice life.
How long have we been in Bermuda? Right now, it feels like 3 months. It’s finally time for the cocktail party. Ryan asks, “Anyone feel like they’re on the chopping block?” He shares, he’s confident. Arie thinks Ryan is full of crap. Emily tells Alejandro she’s sorry about the lack of date, but she loves talking to him and feels like their time together is always well spent.
The guys dish about Ryan. Hold on! Jef is sporting a button down black shirt, khaki shorts, brown loafers, and blue KNEE-HIGH socks. Best cocktail party attire ever. Arie thinks Ryan is narcissistic. Meanwhile, Ryan is digging his grave deeper. He says to Emily, “It’s admirable of you to recognize though you are the center of attention, it doesn’t automatically make you worthy.” Ryan, on the other hand, is blessed by God with romance, athletic skill, and charm. At this point, he’s doing his due diligence by blessing Emily with his presence. Best cocktail party one-sided conversation ever.
Ryan is talking to Michael now. He talks about the journey. If he ends up with Emily, fine. If not, he can’t wait to open his heart up as the next Bachelor. That’ll be neat, he says. He feels like he’s being called upon for something larger. If I can’t have Allesandro Goulart, last week’s evicted corn wholesaler and vampire whisperer, as the next Bachelor, can I please get Ryan and 25 beautiful plus-sized women? Are you listening to me, ABC?
Emily spends time with Sean. Sean is so dreamy and the music is so romantic, I’m nearly sucked into the love story. Doug and Ryan bring me right back to reality. They bond over their “maturity.” I think they’re confusing levels of arrogance with levels of maturity. Chris is obsessed with the age thing. For someone who builds himself up as beyond his years, he sure does whine a lot. Chris insists, if he doesn’t get a rose, it’s Doug’s fault. Chris confronts Doug. Chris wants to know why Doug thinks he’s the better man for Emily. Doug suggests this, right here, is making Chris appear to be immature. Chris retorts, “I’m talking to you as a grown-ass man right now.” Yes, because all mature men refer to themselves as “grown-ass.” Chris isn’t buying Doug’s humble act any more than Emily is. I can’t decide who I hate more, here. Thankfully, Chris Harrison shows up to put an end to the party and my brain’s attempt at a “biggest loser” point system.
Going into the rose ceremony, Doug, Jef, and John already have roses. Nate is long gone. Sean and Arie get the first two roses. Doug, who is already sporting a rose, is visually critical of the choices thus far. Travis gets a rose even though he’s nothing without his egg. Chris, rose. Doug, bitch face. Emily calls Ryan’s name and the other men all adjust their jaws. Kalon, rose. The final rose goes to Alejandro. It’s the end of the road for head-injury Charlie and pick Mike from Austin.
The next stop on the road map to true love is London. Also, we’re led to believe we will see the “Get the f*#k out. How dare you!” scene next week. See you there!
TELL US – Did Emily make the right choices this week? Who’s getting the final one edit?