Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey there was actually a sweet storyline. Jaime Laurita got married and it was really, really beautiful. Although everyone mostly got along, there was some trouble over a tabloid article Teresa Giudice did. Melissa Gorga also gave us a demo of her new song, which, aaaaaaahhhh… I wish I could un-hear. Ok, I admit – it was a fun dance song…

Also, Caroline Manzo has been referring to herself in third person a lot, which has me worried. Nonetheless, I think I’m going to refer to Caroline Manzo as Caroline Manzo at all times. Caroline Manzo probably doesn’t like when people do that to Caroline Manzo.

Things begin with Jacqueline Laurita and Chris discovering an oh so conveniently placed copy of In Touch Weekly which also oh so conveniently has a photo of Teresa, Gabriella (I think) and a puppy on the cover. I wonder if room service is doling these mags out – you know, leaving it in front of the door like they do USA Today and The Wall Street Journal. Frankly, it’s not a bad idea – I love tabloids.

Photo Credit: Bravo TV


The article is titled “I’m Scared To Be Poor” or something to that affect and inside Teresa talks about her fear of losing everything and how her friends have supposedly shunned her and made fun of her money problems. I think what the article meant to say is that all of America made fun of her money problems – cause we did. We all laughed over her marble encrusted mansion and the furniture buying with cash after learning of the true Giudice financial status.

Anyway, Jacs is confused about why Teresa is on the cover with a dog, cause – duh – she just told us she’s afraid of dogs. And she’s also confused about why Teresa is accusing Caroline of making fun of her because Caroline has been nothing but supportive through Teresa’s financial issues. Since Teresa is on her way to Jacqueline’s hotel room to get ready for Jamie‘s wedding, Jacqueline decides to leave the magazine prominently displayed on the coffee table. I like her style.

Moving on Caroline and her jobless ever-so-supportive spawn are ordering room service for breakfast – on Caroline’s tab, of course. Greggy Bennett is hanging out in his bathrobe in the room. My husband just so happened to look up from the computer as Greggy was yet again announced as Albie‘s roommate and he wondered: “Why is Albie’s roommate on family vacation with them?” Good question – why IS Greggy always there?

Now I think it’s fine to bring a close family friend on vacation, but why do they always refer to Greggy as “Albie‘s roommate.” Why not say, Albie’s friend or whatever? Anyway, Greg just so happened to wander down to the lobby to buy some toothpaste in his bathrobe (which was not a cute look on him) and he saw … IN TOUCH WEEKLY!

Caroline starts perusing the article and becomes enraged. Caroline Manzo doesn’t like people talking about Caroline Manzo. Caroline sees this as an ultimate betrayal, but she’s still on the ‘keep the peace’ bandwagon for the sake of Jaime‘s wedding. Caroline Manzo drowns Caroline Manzo’s sorrows in a mimosa and about a $1000 in bacon and eggs.

Meanwhile in the yuckiest hotel room scene I’ve ever witnessed on Housewives, Teresa and Juicy are in bed – groggy and gross. They’re rolling all over each other and Juicy is clearly hung over. They are discussing the wedding and how he really doesn’t care if he goes or something and then Teresa starts trying to kiss him. She says everytime someone says “love” they have to kiss – he tells her breath smells like yesterday’s hotdogs. Ew is all I can say.

They show up at Jacs to get ready and after spending 45 minutes figuring out the doorbell, Teresa enters the room. Maybe that’s why she’s always late? Teresa is in a jubilant mood. She tells Jacqueline she looks like that princess, ummm…. Kate Hudson, you know the one who married William. OK, then. Kate Hudson – Duchess of Cambridge.

Jacqueline cuts right to chase and asks about the tabloids – and the puppy. Teresa doesn’t seem perturbed at all and says that the magazine basically twisted what she said and asked her a lot of questions, but it wasn’t necessarily what she meant. Oh, and Teresa is definitely not afraid of being poor, because she like isn’t, right? Jacs is confused since she knows Teresa has filed for bankruptcy for $11M and all…

Teresa tells Jacqueline she’s going to be on another cover – this time to disprove all the divorce rumors by staging a vow renewal. Jacqueline tells us she wouldn’t sell out her life to tabloids – she’ll just do it for free on Twitter! Caroline and Jacqueline both think Teresa should have spoken to them directly instead of going through the tabloids. Jacqueline expresses concern that Tersa is losing touch with reality and becoming totally delusional. I might totally agree!

It’s interesting to me that all these peeps are blindly believing the tabloid interview when they all say the media, tabloids, blogs – whatever – shouldn’t be trusted because they’re always printing things that aren’t true. I guess that sentiment is only true when the subject of said gossip is themselves.

Everyone boards the bus to Jaime‘s wedding. Jamie apparently lives really far from where they’re staying – which makes no sense to me. Everyone is in a good mood and they start jokingly speaking in British accents. It’s really cute. Lauren is aces at the accent. Much better performance than Melissa‘s acting attempt last week <<shudder>>. Everyone is getting along and it’s really fun to remember the way RHONJ used to be.

In the good spirits, Chris Laurita announces that BLK Water is doing so well they’ve just expanded to include a wine company in their portfolio and he wants to invite everyone on a trip to Napa! Everyone includes Teresa and Joe. Jacqueline is shocked; given all the tension she’s not sure why Chris would be including the Giudices. Jacs – it’s called “Producer Intervention.” Caroline Manzo is probably already coming up with excuses for why Caroline Manzo needs to skip this trip. You know, she has a lot of migraines.

In the middle of the fun Juicy tells Teresa her nipples are practically popping out of her dress and calls her a “whore” in Italian like three times. Husband of the year, right there! For some odd reason, Teresa seems to find it funny. Then she brings up that Melissa‘s shore house is finally completed. Jacqueline makes a funny about Melissa having a “re-done” house which references last years issue with Teresa and the card.

Then Teresa starts talking to Caroline and Lauren about Caroline’s hat. Teresa is clearly sucking up and trying to make nice because she senses The Caroline’s rage. Oh, The Caroline’s rage. Caroline Manzo is full of Caroline Manzo’s rage.  She doesn’t understand how Teresa can act like that whole article thing never happened. True dat… she owes Caro an apology. Caroline Manzo wants Tereas and her hat to “shut up.”

Speaking of Teresa‘s hat… it truly was ENORMOUS. Kate Hudson, Kate Middleton, Kate anybody wouldn’t wear that thing. And it was taller than Joe Gorga. Jacqueline‘s ensemble was also ridiculous. It was Creuella Deville summer wear.

At the shore, Melissa and Joe G-to-the-Orga are having a re-done house party. Melissa’s sisters show up carting a ton of liquor and while everyone is standing in the kitchen watching Melissa poke some peppers she’s cooking (See – she’s not a bad wife – she cooks too!), Joe emerges carrying – guess what?! – IN TOUCH WEEKLY!

Now I’m not sure about you but I always thought this is supposed to be reality TV – and ain’t nothing real about tabloid articles or the obvious producer intervention in the form of the consecutive delivery of In Touch Weekly to all the cast members of this show. Who are also feuding with Teresa. So yeah, I’m not sure when BARBER SHOPS started carrying In Touch, but I call BS on that one.

Cue everyone talking about Teresa – they used to talk about Danielle Staub non-stop, but that’s been replaced with talking about Teresa. Teresa doesn’t need a spinoff, she already has her own show… As Bethenny Frankel would advise, “Get a hobby!”

Melissa surmises that Teresa probably did the article for money, and is furious at the ugly photo they used of her. You know Teresa insisted! Kathy Wakile – who got this week’s close-up butt shot – isn’t too keen on Teresa telling lies about her. Teresa can tell lies about herself, but leave Kathy’s name out of it.

Anyway the party rages on and the Bacardi is poured. Bad advertisement, Bacardi, bad advertisement. Richie Wakile pulls Non-Juicy Joe into the driveway for a powwow about Teresa and the therapy, Joe says she never responded and Richie advises him not to give up. Joey decides to text another novel to Teresa, telling her he was thinking about her and the girls and he loves her. He really wants her to consider the therapy thing. It was significant because he appeared to be reading it himself. Also, it was a sweet text.

So, the party… lots of shenanigans. There was whipped cream fighting, and dirty dancing, and pushing in pools, and Melissa‘s new song AutotuneStar. Oh, I mean, “Rockstar.” Whoopsie – #freudianslip.

I don’t think I need to go into too many details, save to say the party was gross, these people need to keep their clothes on, and the Wakile teenagers totally looked mortified. Rough shakes when your parents act like Jersey Shore rejects on national television! Melissa announces that her motto is to keep things “classy but sexy.” Oh, so that party was classy but sexy? Maybe if you’re in the porn business!

In ultimate contrast, was the absolutely classy, but beautiful wedding of Jamie and Rich. The ceremony was lovely, Caroline‘s reading was very sweet, everyone was so happy. Caroline wished Dina Manzo could have attended, though. Also, the garden was so elegant. It truly was a lovely event. During dinner Teresa receives a text announcing Fabulicous, the first is on the NY Times bestseller list. She thanks everyone for their support.

Caroline is furious given the whole In Touch thing that just happened which Teresa is ignoring. I do agree with Caroline that Teresa should have talked to her if she was feeling those things, but Caroline Manzo has decided it’s not worth talking to Teresa since she doesn’t listen.

Caroline Manzo is also annoyed that Teresa is absconding Jaime‘s day with her announcement. Ok, that was silly. No one got mad when Chris L announced BLK Water’s success! Teresa also gets another text – the one from Joe G-to-the-Orga about therapy. Outside she discusses the situation with Jacqueline and is adamant she doesn’t need therapy – Joe and Melissa do!

Jacqueline is trying to be rational but Teresa is immune to logic, as we know, and insists that not only does she not believe in therapy but Joe G-to-the-Iudice doesn’t want her to go with her brother. She has to stand by her husband cause he’s her family. Anyone else find it ironic that she is supporting her husband over her brother, yet she is constantly mad at Joe G-to-the-Orga for supporting his wife over her? And Teresa doesn’t need therapy! Poor Jacqueline looked exhausted.

As the wedding ends, everyone lights mini balloons with candles to float up into the sky. I LOVE when people do this at weddings. Joe Giudice tells Jaime this was one of the most beautiful weddings he has ever been to and everyone is relaxed and at peace. It was a beautiful and sincere moment in a show fraught with drama and negativity.

Jacqueline mentions that what makes this wedding so amazing was Jaime finally announcing that he is happy being himself and at peace with who he is. Jacqueline wishes Teresa could accept herself so she can also be happy. Wow – profound and I completely agree. Jacs’ lifecoach is really paying off. If only Teresa would follow suit! And then there were fireworks – and there are many more to come.

Next Week: Caroline, Teresa, and Jacqueline get into a huge fight over Melissa. I’m already scared. And I don’t think there’s enough wine in the world to soften the blow.