On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey (brought to us by the Bravo Home Shopping Network) the ladies brought home the bacon while the menfolk sat around the kitchen table gossiping and snarking like old biddies. I applaud the progressive feminist nature of these industrious girls. Except for the one whose husband said he owned her. Yeah, that one needs to take a women’s studies class, stat!

So things begin with Teresa Giudice – or is Joodichee? Our favorite Jersian wordsmith has apparently, once again, forgotten how to pronounce her ever-shifting last name. Teresa’s newest venture is branding herself – I think she should start with having a consistent pronunciation of her own name, but that’s just my suggestion. “Branding” means adding Fabellini to her ever-expanding product repertoire. I swear Teresa makes up these words, Fabulicious, Fabellini, etc because she can’t actually pronounce any real words!

Teresa is in the car with Joe Goodouchée and they are headed to a vineyard, she thinks. Despite the fact that she is now in the wine making business, madame Giuhoochie has no idea where wine comes from or where one goes to taste wine.


One things she does know? Mrs. Giucoochie doesn’t like things that taste ‘diet-y’, like that Skinnygirl swill. Hey, I’m right there with you, girl! Teresa wants Fabellini to be low-cal, but taste full-fat. Luckily Juciy is on hand to provide his expertise.

In the car we learn Juicy has lost his wallet in a friend’s car. Which friend? Oh, he won’t say as he evades Teresa‘s pestering. I’m not sure why she cares about finding his wallet – it’s not like there’s any money in it! #bankrupt.

Arriving at the vineyard, Teresa tells the mixologists about what ingredentces she wants; the woman quickly corrects her on how one says the word and things are off to a bad start.

Juicy doesn’t want any ersatz peachyness or champagne. Only the good stuff for his gullet, but only on Thursday – Sunday cause he’s not drinking during the week anymore. Umm… last time I checked Thursday wasn’t part of the weekend unless you are in college. Oh, details, smeetails.

Juicy thinks he could become a sommelier. Wait – Juicy thinks he is already a sommelier. I think Juicy would be better suited to becoming a slummolier.


Moving on to other couples pimping their wares (and sometimes their wives!), Melissa Gorga really believes this pop star thing is going to happen. She has a meeting with her agent, so she pulls on her sequined do-rag (so edgy), grabs some Gorga-zola cheese and says make me a star – no matter what it takes.

Joey Gorga is leery about investing more money into the schenadefraude. Is he, perhaps, smarter than we think? Melissa isn’t signed with a label and that’s the new focus. The strategy: Go independent and try to start a bidding war to sign a 30+-year-old wannabe pop star and mom of 3. Joe is on board with selling his wife for the right price. ‘Everything is for sale,’ Melissa tells us. We’ve noticed – dignity, family relationships – now his wife!

To prove she’s totally sellable, Melissa stages a photo shoot to make people want her. Life is tough when you’re On Display! After worrying that she should have gotten lip injections (lip injections make men want to buy you, says Taylor Armstrong), Melissa lays down on some rose petals and pretends she’s the next Bachelorette. Then she struts around her backyard in a jacket leftover from the Thriller shoot. She probably got a smokin deal on eBay. A concerned Antonia watches.

Joey pops up to announce that he owns his wife, even though she is apparently for sale, and he wants her act like a porn star because that makes other men jealous. Is this a marriage or is he her pimp? Wait, I don’t want to know.

Teresa Giukooky is hosting a book signing. She tells us her signings have become classier affairs since she’s, you know, become a famous and well-respected authoress. And what goes well with classy? Juicy chugging wine! “He’s a keeper,” the NJ penitentiary Teresa says.

Caroline Manzo opines that Teresa wants everything and her insatable desire for marble and gold leaf has driven Juicy into depression, bankruptcy, and illegal activities. I notice she’s not making those comments about Melissa! Contrary to what Caroline thinks I think Juicy loves having Teresa bring home the bacon while he sips wine in the back.

Caroline also believes once Juicy goes to jail – and he will, says Caroline – Teresa will leave him, write a tell-all, and try to angle for a spinoff to demonstrate to her girls how strong she is. Wasn’t there a so-called anonymous source spinning the same tale to the tabloids recently? Hmmm… I’m sure just a mere coincidence, right?

Kathy Wakile and Richie arrive on the scene – collars popped and defenses up – to enact a little Cookbook Gate 2.0. Kathy is surprised to see desserts in Teresa Gipoopie‘s cookbook, cause she like thought she was the only person in Jersey who made a dessert. Even more surprisingly the recipes were Kathy’s mom’s recipes. Recipes, no-doubt, both families shared.

OK, I can see both sides of this argument, but I truly don’t think Kathy was making a “a cheap passive-aggressive shot” by commenting on the pizzelles. On the other hand, this was not first time Kathy had read Fabulicious – so clearly she had seen the dessert recipes before. Not sure why she was acting surprised to notice the recipes were also ones her mom used. Teresa rebuttals by telling Kathy no one wants a dessert-only cookbook because everyone is watching their weight.

Nonetheless Kathy invites Teresa to her dessert tasting and Teresa agrees to come. Even though no one wants her there. Kathy tells Rich she’s just going to continue being nice to Teresa and worrying about her own conscience. Richie does not have faith that Teresa won’t ruin the event.

Speaking of coincidences, Lauren Manzo and Caroline are still scoping locations for their new boutique Cafface. And surprise, surprise – Chateau – a Franklin Lakes/RHONJ institution is for rent! Oh, just another mere coincidence. Yeah-to-the-right. Lauren thinks it’s her destiny to put her store there since it’s already got cameras installed from way back in S1 and because she started her illustrious career (all one day of it) at this location.

Caroline intones about how Lauren is a fighter and she’s just like her mother so she’ll be fine. Was Caroline complimenting her daughter on TV? Never thought I’d see that day!

Next up in the infomercial hour, Jacqueline Laurita and Lauren are headed to lunch with some beauty executives. Jacqueline is a big fan of the brand and wants to give Lauren a connection.

Lauren hates to read, so Jacqueline is in tow because she researches everything. To my knowledge Jacqueline only reads things that are on twitter. Lauren is going to be a great business woman if she hates to read. That sounds like something her nemesis Tre would say! Lauren sits there mute for the entire meeting.

Over lunch, Jacqueline – who is also a very serious business person – decides it’s the perfect time to order a “screaming orgasm” cocktail. What time is it again? Of course she spills it all over the table cloth of the fancy restaurant. The executives looked none to impressed.

Moving on, it’s the day of Kathy‘s big tent city dessert launch. She sets up shop in a parking lot under a big ol’ outdoor tent, next door to a cemetery. Kathy considers it a good omen because her desserts are worth dying for. I hope that doesn’t mean they’ll kill people. Seriously, though they looked amazing.

Kathy has written the names of all the confections on poster board and like Teresa‘s cookbook they’re all named after family members. Her specialty – Richie‘s Frozen Cannolis. That’s a double entendre I could do without. This has Teresa’s copy-cat antenna perking up. All the ladies arrive. Caroline is proud of Melissa and Kathy for following their dreams. Unfortunately, she doesn’t feel likewise about Teresa; nope – she’s just crushing her husband’s soul and is the root of all evil.

Teresa shows up in some sort of clown top with her friend Linda. Jacqueline starts shooting the evil eye. Linda is apparently a soldier in Teresa’s take-down army. Remember, Teresa doesn’t have friends – she has fans. Linda, has converted to the darkside and Jacqueline and Caroline must save her.

Teresa‘s penchant for spite rears its ugly head when she snarks, “I don’t want to compare my book signings to her Gelotti event, but my daughters have posters like that when they have a lemonade stand.” Luckily she is nice to everyone and congratulates Kathy. Linda gets snippy when she announces she doesn’t eat sweets – so why are you at a dessert signing? I’m guessing Linda eats desserts that come from the Fabulicious arsenal!

Linda commandeers Jacqueline for a little pow-wow about how much Teresa needs Jacqueline. Then Teresa sidles over and tells Jacqueline she misses her and loves her. She says she values their friendship. That was sweet. Jacqueline hopes she was sincere and so do I.

The Caroline, on the other hand wants Jacqueline to stay far away form the evil Mrs. Giuloopy. If there is someone leading the RHONJ war it’s definitely The Caroline. She glares in Jacqueline and Teresa’s direction and practically transforms into a bulldog right before our eyes. Is Caroline a shape shifter?

It turns out Richie has invited some big dessert distribution honcho to the event and he’s interested in producing Kathy‘s confections. Following the Napa trip, if everyone survives, they decide to meet.

Finally it’s the meeting of the meat at Chris Laurita‘s house. Jacqueline is spending hours folding towels in her glamorous, amazing laundry room while the menfolk assemble in the basement. Gorga and Wakile arrive, but Juicy is predictably very late. Which is good because it gave them time to discuss how much Juicy sucks and how he was talking smack about Chris’ finances all over town.

The RHONJ men are so catty! They’re all manipulative, gossipy, shrews! Especially Joey!

Chris just wants everyone to get along on this trip and he wants the husbands to control their wives so his business doesn’t suffer as a result of personal messes. This is so pathetic – you know the only reason the Giudoofuses are invited is because Bravo forced them to be and wouldn’t pay for the trip otherwise.

If these people had any real money, ala Heather from RHONY they could probably just tell the producers to eff-off and not invite Teresa and Joe. But alas… they’re all broke!

So Juicy arrives and starts bickering with G-to-the-Orga instantly. Apparently the Gorgadices will be stuck in an RV together since Jacs and Teresa now hate each other. And Gorga has to drive everywhere since Juicy no longer has a license. This trip is looking better and better. I’m pretty sure Bravo needs to smuggle that therapist onto the bus – phone conferences will not be good enough. That actually would be a fun idea: On The Road To Wellness with The Gorgadices. A whole new spinoff.

Meanwhile at Marblepalace de Giupenisee, Teresa is also doing laundry. Gabriella finds a dollar, one lone dollar, holds it close to her heart and coos that Mommy taught her what it means. Teresa tells her stuff it in her bubbies.

Back in the mancave, out of nowhere they start arguing about the long-defunct Danielle Staub, who is irrelevant, but not so irrelevant that they can’t stop talking about her two-years later. Someone needs to issue a sis and deceased, right Tammie Sue!

And then the conversation becomes about why Juicy hates Poison. Apparently Juicy loaned Poison money – and tools – when he was first starting his business and Poison never returned the tools. OK, that is so dumb, I’m sorry. Juicy snipes that he always returns what he borrows. Except when it’s money!

Can Juicy and Poison just throw that table aside and start wrestling on top of the meatballs? Wine flying, sauce flinging, shirts ripping Incredible Hulk-style? C’mon – let’s go! WWF-Jersey edition!

Needless to say, this trip will be a bust. Or a bubbie. Whatever one says in Jersey.

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