Real Housewives of New York Recap: The Beasts Of St. Barths

Last night on MTV Real World Spring Break, oh… errrr…Oops! I mean Middle-Aged (Wannabe) Girls Gone Wild. Oh… danggit – I mean Real Housewives of New York! There we go, that's the right show. Anyway, last night on RHONY the battle between Turtletime and Hurricane Aviva continued to rage. I think we're going to have to declare this one a draw because both these crazies went in circles like a typhoon and I don't think anything was resolved! 

So things begin with a little bitching and arguing over what else – girls trip vs. couple's retreat. What about therapeutic retreat? Why didn't Bravo call in some therapists to assist with the lunacy and sit everyone down for a good ol' " I feel" session followed by some team building exercises? 

Over breakfast, Reid and Russ are present and this is not acceptable. A clearly hung-over Sonja Morgan is shoveling in the food at warp speed and complaining about being called white trash. Pinot Singer and Sonja try to "pretend" they have no idea what that even means and hop on Google for a little investigative research. They get on and are most surprised to find a photo of themselves right next to the description. Oh, that can't be because White Trash means "poor" and they are not poor. They are just bankrupt and married to (or divorced from) money. Then someone distracts them by yelling wine and they decide oh, well at least White Trash means you're nice and it doesn't have anything to do with being inhospitable anyway.


I think they missed the point – Aviva Drescher was referring to them being drunken floozies acting a mess, not just that they forgot to whip out the welcome wagon and full-band like she was a returning war hero instead of an overly-indulged Park Avenue Princess who rode on a plane doped up on Xanax and self-importance. Poor Aviva. I like her but she's a little delusional, no?

Anyway, the issues continue in Ramonja's lair where they are preparing for lunch and beach lounging. It's LuAnn de Lesseps' day to plan activities and she wants to do a casual lunch and shopping at a restaurant her friend owns. It looked fun. Sadly, the fun was interrupted by crazy. While getting ready Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle Cum are irked that Carole Radziwill and Aviva have planned an early dinner/double date with their manfolks when it's supposed to be *gasp* a GIRLS TRIP! Is Tomas qualifying as a girl here? He's certainly been around a lot for a so-called girls trip! 

Carole comes in to ask if they are ready and they start digging in on her for not following the rules of the trip SHE planned. This is ridiculous. Carole lays down on the bed, sighs, and thinks about the numbers multiplying in her bank account and how Andy Cohen owes her big for this. 

Aviva, overhearing the complaining and shenanigans, bursts into the room wearing a sweeping, dramatic chocolate brown number – in perfect contrast to Sonja's messy, discombobulated denim jacket, bikini top, and too-tight mini skirt. Frankly, she looked white trash! Ramona for once looked appropriate, so that's something to commend. 

Sonja is outraged Aviva swanned into their lair/Honeymoon suite and demands Aviva learn to knock.Immediately they all start shrieking at each other like a pack of wild vultures. Poor Carole is obviously the prey as everyone clamors to get her on their side of the equation. Carole side-eyes back and forth and surmises two-sides of wrong don't equal a right, so she just waits it out. War correspondence has really served her well here. 

Aviva still wants a parade and a welcome committee and an apology and a confirmation that Reid's name has been submitted to sainthood candidacy. And Sonja well she just wants it made clear that this trip -despite her sexytime activities – is about GIRLS ONLY and that she's not white trash no matter how much she drinks, slurs, and sluts around. She also wants Carole to stop being so passive. Yeah, says Ramona keeping her eyes wild but her mouth shut. Ramona just needs a glass of wine. 

So off they troupe to lunch and everyone spends the entire car ride complaining about each other. Poor LuAnn is stuck with the drunksters and poor Heather Thomson is stuck with Park Avenue Phobia. Aviva is now afraid of not being celebrated enough. Sonja is all incensed because she thinks Aviva is jealous that for 6 minutes she owned a private yacht – well, SHE didn't own it directly, per se, her husband did and she got to toaster oven on it. 

At lunch Carole tries to smooth things with a toast to Aviva's arrival and mentions that some people could have been more compassionate but it's all over now, baby blue. Unfortunately it's not. Sonja starts demanding Carole stop putting words in her mouth and the argument begins anew. LuAnn, over it and embarrassed, leaves the table and Ramona(!) and Sonja are hot on her tail. Then Aviva starts complaining. Heather, my hero of the moment, snipes that perhaps Aviva should stop dwelling on it and quit ruining everyone's vacation. Imagine that! Aviva, pauses for a second to reflect on whether or not she's self-absorbed, and then goes right back to talking about herself. Heather gives up and downs a glass of wine. 

Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle Cum flee the table again and thus begins a game of musical meltdowns. They come back to the table, and leave again as soon as Reid's name is mentioned, they return, then leave again. Meanwhile AVIVA continues to prattle on about her heroic airplane ride until Carole snaps, flees the table, and starts to sob. Small planes are a touchy subject for her and the stress of being camp counselor at the asylum is wearing her out. 

While all of this is happening LuAnn sits there primly and calmly enjoying her lunch while wearing a lobster bib. It was my favorite moment of the show. Crustaceans with the Countess, anyone? LuAnn rocks it as if it's a bib made of Cartier diamonds and is totally annoyed that the dramatics are ruining her lunch. 

Is it possible that the only person on this trip NOT annoying me is LuAnn? Or Heather. What is the world coming to? Eventually Aviva realizes no one is listening to her plights since Carole left the table, so she goes to find her and discovers she's having a break-down. Aviva is momentarily snapped out of her self-obsession to comfort her friend and they go get fish pedicures. Those have always scared me. 

Back at the table Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle Cum return and sensing that Heather is losing it, they casually mention that Aviva and Carole have planned a double date and excluded everyone else. "We've been duped," Pinot rasps, her winey breath invading Heather's face. It's all too much. Heather flips out, finds Carole and Aviva and starts yelling at them for being self-centered and exclusionary. They both stand there shocked, wondering how Ramonja got to her, and Heather storms away while LuAnn tries to smooth things over. 

Musical meltdowns, indeed!

Taking some time to herself, Heather is reading on the beach. Carole finds her and they discuss the craziness of the trip and how everyone is wearing them out. Carole muses that the drunkies were right – having a new person come did change the dynamic for the worse. Except the person ruining the dynamic is Aviva, not Reid! Deciding to just let it go, they go for a swim and it's cute. Mermaids!

Back at the house Sonja makes a date with the sommelier who basically knows he can get her to sleep with him. Aviva is standing there witnessing the entire exchange and this prompts another argument about Girls Trips, and hospitality, and how Ramonja are immature drunks who want to spend the whole week partying like rockstars, hooking up, and embarrassing themselves.

Where's that xanax Aviva claims she takes? Girlfriend needs it bad! GET. OVER. IT.

Aviva calls Sonja "double dealing" whatever that means, two-faced maybe? Sonja isn't backing down. She's had a few, she's gonna get some, and this crazy phobia phreak is harshing her buzz. And nobody backs Sonja in a corner, although she does do quite a bit of backing up! More on that later. 

Sonja looks Aviva dead in the eye and basically says, 'Do you know who I am? I can ruin you!' "My mouth is money!" she screams. Can I get a T-shirt that says that? Sonja spouting off about all her friends in high places. She made the Queen of England Thanksgiving dinner in a toaster oven and she slept with Prince Phillip on the dining room table. She's money. Funny coming from the woman who threw Alex McCord out of her house for having bad manners…

Sonja is ready for Aviva to go back from whence she came. "Return to Sender," she bellows. If only it were that easy to get rid of people who call you out on your shit annoy you… 

Sonja storms out of the room. And she really is one step away from Whatever Happened To Baby Jane. Creepy. I don't remember what became of Aviva, I was too busy snickering about the My Mouth is Money comment. It was a bit rich. Does Sonja puke dollar bills? Because she owes some people a lot of them. 

Do you think the wine guy canceled his date with Sonja

So then I don't even know what happened. Apparently Carole, Russ, Aviva, and Reid went on a double date where they discussed how not unlike Girls Gone Wild this trip has become. "Girls" is putting it nicely. I think Reid meant Estrogen Therapy Gone Wild. But yeah, Joe Francis please leave the Kardashians behind and start appearing on this show. 

Meanwhile at the 'I don't have a man' table, Heather and Pinot have found some common ground. Apparently once Heather smashed her face into the glass door, Ramona decided they were friends. Odd, but true. Now Heather can over-talk her and yell at her all she wants and Ramona is OK with it. So that's something. 

If you can believe it, St. Barths is STILL not over yet! On the final day Carole is hosting the activities and decides to do massages and pedicures at the house, followed by Russ' concert, and a late dinner. Everyone seems a little more calm and they are relaxing outside, waiting to be pampered. 

Then Sonja strolls out in her lingerie and starts flirting with the sommelier who I bet left very, very late the night before. She is throwing herself at him while he prepares her a mimosa. Carole lets Ramonja know they can get a massage, but Pinot claims it's too early – she hasn't had her wine yet. They opt for pedicures in which they spend the whole time complaining about how spoiled and self-absorbed Aviva is. True, but pot meet kettle. 

Sonja, all but admitting that Heather was right about her butt sex with Tomas, says no one pushes her face in the ground, EXCEPT Tomas when she's doing him in the back of the garden. Oh, Sonja. Oh, dearie. So now it all makes sense. Heather was probably walking to her room – which is the detached bungalow – through the garden when she happened about the sexytimes of Sonja and Tomas. 

Over dinner everyone attempts to get along and even though LuAnn was complaining about Aviva during the car ride over she attempts to schmooze and pacify all by making a toast to her arrival. Pinot is not impressed, but plays it cool. Sonja is seething. Aviva is beaming that someone, somebody, loves her and wants her and appreciates her. Sonja's outfit is a total mess. She is really busting out the original seasons of 90210 wardrobe isn't she?

After dinner they are supposed to take two cars to Russ' concert, but Ramonja ditch. Carole is furious. This trip was supposed to be about her and Russ and it has turned into a dramaf*ck about three middle-aged women who cannot get their heads out of their asses long enough to remember there are other people on this trip. It's altogether embarrassing and she's had enough. Deciding to just focus on fun, they all have a blast at the concert and arrive back at the house to find an obliterated Ramonja acting irrationally and complaining. 

Carole is trying to get together a late dinner she has planned, that's also a farewell to the trip, but Ramonja suddenly need to pack. Aviva is disappointed – she was just ready to have fun and be a crazy girl and they're supposed to be her fun friends. Everyone just sits there exchanging eyes and wondering when the Twilight Zone happened. Even Sonja knew to back slowly away from the crazy and off they go to pack. 

In Ramonja's lair Sonja is blow drying her boobs and crotch over her clothes for about fifty minutes and ranting and raving about Aviva. Carole comes in and they start yelling at her about something, anything. I don't remember – I was just puzzled by Sonja and the blow dryer. What was she doing?!

Aviva muses that Sonja reminds her of Anna Nicole Smith, a woman who married a wealthy man decades older and lived the high life, but now can't accept that her situation has changed. She believes Sonja is living in her glory days and on a downward spiral. Very astute. Maybe Aviva's Vassar education paid off… 

Carole leaves, defeated, and Ramona comes to the table out with a long-winded story about a safe key and packing. Nobody cares. Then Sonja emerges in a new outfit and is ready to party some more. Eventually Heather has had it and decides they are all going for a swim. She jumps into the pool without her clothes on and everyone follows suit. Well, not Sonja. She takes off EVERYTHING – and is not wearing underwear – before leaping in but poor Ramona isn't having it. Carole and Heather ambush her and Heather shoves her ass over teacups into the pool. 

It was the best moment of the trip and truly fun. Too bad all the other stuff mucked it up. And that's it. Au revoir St. Barths! 

[Photo Credits:]