Real Housewives of Miami Recap: The Biggest Famewhore Of Them All

Last night on Real Housewives of Miami, a very careful distinction was made. And that distinction was the differences between a regular, old, run of the mill famewhore, and an uber, professional celeb-stalking, paparazzi courting, namedropping famewhore. And guess who announced themselves a member of the latter category? Karent Sierra, dentist to the stars by day, photobombing pseudo-celeb by night! 

Only Bravo could find these people and give them a platform for which to promote their ridiculous endeavors? As Adriana de Moura pointed out – "Doesn't she have teeth to drill?" 

But before all that drama, Romain Zago is putting his foot down with Marta Krupa. It would appear that Marta, who has no reliable job to speak of, is seeming like a freeloader to Romain, who wonders just why she doesn't help out around the house? Romain spells it out – you're taking advantage of Joanna Krupa

Marta's all like, 'Yeah, but I like mopped the floor that one time! I help! I put a new toilet paper roll on the holder. And ummm… I, like, put the clothes away that I borrow from Joanna!' Romain chastises her for not even grocery shopping – which makes sense considering she doesn't have a job so how exactly would she buy food? Anyway, Marta, who's a serious actress, announces she's moving in with Fembot Fakenstein. Romain is like don't let the door hit you – and take out the trash on your way out!


Speaking of Joanna, she's going over to Ana Quincoces to learn how to cook. Did anyone catch the tricky editing? Last week when Joanna was having dinner with Karent and Lisa she told them she had dinner with Ana and made mushroom risotto. So what is Joanna doing this episode? Why, she's making mushroom risotto with Ana!

Joanna's hair looks like it got stuck in a vacuum on the way over and she couldn't be any less eager to learn how to cook as she sort of stabs at some onion pieces and half heartedly discussed her life with Ana. Ana is very sweet and down-to-earth seeming as they two discuss relationships, Marta, and Rodolfo. 

Apparently Rodolfo has started some Facebook antics with Joanna. Ana warns her – that's his MO. We can see the wheels of doubt start to slowly turn in Joanna's head as she wonders if maybe Ana is right about Rodolfo's after hours (and international) activities. Perhaps he's skyping more than one lady! 

And then here comes Karent and her "boyfriend." OK – is it me? Something is so off about this woman? She's plasticine and robotic all the time. Like a mannequin come to life. I just don't get her… She and Rodolfo have this sort of overly hyperactive, fast-talking shomance make-out in her backyard after she picks him up from a trip. He's all over her and she's like 'hehe – my parents are here. shhhh… by the way – tell the cameras again that we're like a for-real couple. Cause we are RI-IGHT!' 

The thing about these two is they always appear to be acting. And it's very forced. 

So Lea Black does this annual gala, I'm not sure if you've heard. And it seems to be the only think Lea does beside make funny asides and sort of stir the pot with ill-timed comments. But I guess if raising hundreds of thousands of dollars for underprivileged kids is your hobby, who am I to complain, right? I think that's awesome. Not awesome – the teal, high-waisted, pleated-front, 1985 mom pants Lea wore to discuss the gala on TV. Lea, a word: Those wouldn't even be flattering on Joanna! NO, no, and noOOO!

Remember a man named Thomas Kramer who we've all seen before on Real Housewives of Atlanta? Remember, the bus trip, they stayed at his wacky mansion, Kim Zolciak pretended to be sleeping with him so they'd have a reason to incorporate his weirdness on the show, she and NeNe Leakes had the big fight about plucking eyes out, and Sweetie being a slave? Ringing any bells? 

Anyway, he's friends with all the ladies of RHOM as well and he's attending some big party Fembot is co-hosting. It's so cute how Lisa fancies herself a Lea in 10 (20?) years. So they're all there. And LEAAAAH! Lea has apparently worn a leotard dress that belongs to a person with A-cups and a Bump It! She's on fire with the fashion flops this episode! A Snooki pouf?!

While everyone is meeting and greeting, Adriana and Lea are surprised to see Karent and Rodolfo – a very much in love couple arrive. Adriana complains that Karent would go to the opening of an envelope. Then to prove they're very much in love, Karent and Rodolfo lick each other's tongues. Things I never need to see again: The kiss of the lizards mating. 

Everyone looks down at their very fancy and delicious seeming cocktails, loses their appetite, and looks away uncomfortably. 'I'll stick to the champagne,' Adriana sighs in an effort to settle her stomach. 

Meanwhile, Marta and Joanna take the opportunity to snag some camera time by having yet another bickering match. This time it's about Marta's talk with Romain, which was apparently Joanna's idea (aka, Joanna didn't have the heart to tell her sister she's a freeloading mooch and even if Joanna has to make another tickle fetish video, she'll support her sister.). They argue, I have a brief fleeting moment of insanity when I think they should do this at home then I remember they're doing it on camera on purpose, off camera – oh hahaha – Joanna cries, Marta pretends to fix her make-up, Marta announces she's moving in with Fembot. Joanna cries. 

Even though Lea's boobs are hanging out halfway to Tampa, she and Marysol Patton have a nice moment where they try to let by-gones-be-bygones and Lea personally invites her to the Black Gala. Marysol agrees to attend and mentions she may be bringing a date. Which reminds Lea this is the perfect time to make a really hilarious joke about how Marysol's soon-to-be-ex-husband used her for a green card. Marysol is not pleased and her displeasure is written all over her face. 

It was a joke, Lea bellows, snipping that Marysol's impossible. Marysol excuses herself to watch Mama Elsa bust a move on the dance floor. Oh, Mama Elsa – please, please, please make a dance exercise video. And wear a caftan. And take many breaks to sip wine. Mama Elsa hitting the dance floor in her technicolor caftan and about $500k worth of emeralds was hands-down the greatest moment of last night's show. 

Sadly that moment was ruined by the energizer bunny of celebrity portraiture, as aspiring famewhore queen Karent is yelling across the room, talking over everyone, and shrieking with laughter in an attempt to prove Thomas is her BFF. AND he wanted to marry her, didn't you know?! Dude – he probably told you he'd marry you for free veneers. 

Karent leaps up to get a photo and demands Thomas pick her up. In the process she nearly decapitates Mama Elsa and Adriana, which was probably an attempt to steal her emeralds. And before Adriana could even say "ouch!" Karent has tweeted, tagged, instagramed, and Facebooked this encounter with the rich kind. 

Still not done, Karent takes her shenanigans one-step further when she graciously invites all the ladies to a dinner party Bravo she is throwing at Thomas' house. Marysol, in a rare catty moment which makes me swoon, snips that's she's known Thomas for twenty years and she's never seen Karent anywhere in his vicinity. Everyone is shooting her looks that could break camera lens, but Karent is undeterred as she hops out onto the dance floor to snap MORE photos! 

Everyone is complaining about her desperate, grasping social inelegance. Karent's social style is very high school prom. Everything's a photo op! 

As Karent is leaving and saying good-bye to her not real friends, Rodolfo lets it slip that Thomas has invited them somewhere after and Adriana should come. 'NO!' Karent interrupts. 'Thomas invited us – ONLY us – it's private, and very important. Just like us. A dentist to the stars and a Latin soap hunk. You can't come. Sorry!' she trills waltzing out the door.

Does anyone else get the impression Karent has been studying Sweet Valley High books? Adriana is furious. Alexia Echevarria has also had it. 'That Karent, biatch with her fancy stuck on T needs to drop the T and the pretensions.' Eager Beaver, indeed. The icing on the cake – all the ladies were invited to Thomas' after parties event but didn't want to go! 

So that was a spectacle. 

Later Ana and her daughters decide to do a little Facebook stalking of ol' Extra T and discover every single photo is either a head shot or one with her posing with a celebrity who wants to get this over with quickly. Ana is creeped out. I'm creeped out. I'm also pleasantly amused that people are willing to admit Facebook stalking on national TV. 

The next day, with Adriana still steaming mad about Karent's little display, she is doing a food and wine tasting for Lea's gala. Also, attending Joanna. Things start going down the wrong pipe almost immediately. See Joanna is more interested in adhering to the Bravo-sponsored agenda to call Adriana out on everything and Adriana is not exactly taking the bait. 

Things were very rehearsed from Joanna's end. I can practically see Adriana, her siphoning glare cutting Jo the model like a knife as she snipes, 'You are a horrible actress.' While Karent has been all about SVH books, Adriana has been studying her Heathers. 

Anyway, Adriana is all about croquettes and Joanna is all about drama. It's not the size of the croquette, you understand, it's the layers of subtext inside. First Joanna accuses Adriana of flirting with Romain at Mynt. Adriana is a professional at this game, and outmatches Joanna smoothly as she airily plays it off. 'Oh, silly,' she purrs. 'I just said brunettes are as pretty as blondes. I am pretty, right?' Apparently blondes may wake up prettier in the morning, but perhaps the adage of them having less between the earlobes is true!

Joanna then starts on her about Karent. Joanna is not understanding Adriana's problem with Karent's photobombing the Pope of modern kinetic art. Joanna is defending Karent saying it wasn't malicious. Adriana agrees it wasn't malicious, but it was embarrassing and desperate. Adriana announces her intentions to confront Karent on her actions and then lunch is over as soon as it began. 

I love how Lea sat their the entire time, her head swiveling back and forth bemused as she watched the two go at it. 'This,' I imagine she though, 'is good dinner entertainment. Can I get them for the Black Gala? Maybe a reduced rate since they're not actually celebrities?' I bet she made a note in her iPhone.

The next day Alexia is having a party for her magazine and who should be attending but all the ladies sans Joanna. But Joanna will be there in spirit as she phones Karent and warns her. A assault is coming. Be warned of the brown-haired maiden from Brazil. She has an agenda and a poisoned tongue. And she's hacked your twitter! Be warned. 

Good things don't always come in a pretty dress. As Teresa Giudice warned us, "Sometimes your friends can be evil." 

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