Shahs Of Sunset Recap: “Being A Skinny Bitch Ain’t Everything”


Last week on Shahs of Sunset, Reza Farahan, Asa Soltan Rahmati, Mike Shouhed, Mercedes "MJ" Javid, Lilly Ghalichi, and Sammy Younai headed to Cabo San Lucas for a long weekend of fun, sun, and alcohol. Yes, Lilly went along… but only to bellyache, be fabulous, and stir sh*t (not drinks). Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi was left behind. Because Reza and Asa said so. 
While Mike slept off a few bottles of vodka, his dream of a drama-free weekend went awry. First, MJ and Lilly got snippy with one another, and then MJ and Asa traded nasty words and insults. When Asa called MJ a pill popper, MJ left the attack scene. To the camera, MJ said, "Asa asking me if I popped a pill… worst thing anyone has accused me of. Ever." Asa is all like, what did I do? and why is this all about me? That act is getting stale.
One hour later, Reza, Lilly, and Asa are hot tubbing it and Sammy and MJ are Cabo clubbing it. Asa tells Reza and Lilly that she feels bad about what went down with MJ. Reza laughs. Asa goes on to say, "When she attacks me, I feel bad for because I know her mom is crazy." Reza laughs.   Reza thinks it's "his business" to make sure he "protects" MJ. Someone needs to look up "protect" in the dictionary. Lilly thinks the lines are blurred because the person who has the substance abuse problem is also the life of the party. Asa says, "We all think it's cute… and so MJ," to which Lilly adds, "That is not cute; that is a hot mess."

Over at the club, Snooki MJ and JWoww Sammy are making the most of the dance floor and enjoying copious amounts of alcohol. MJ wants to get as far away from "those people" as possible, adding, "I deserve true friends who will behave like true friends and who will treat me like a true friend." MJ drunk-texts GG – declaring to never speak to Asa again.
Speaking of GG, she's working hard to plan the GG's Extensions launch party. GG – alone but determined – wants to prove she's "not just the face of this company but the arms and the legs too." She signs off with a take that, bitch head tilt.


Lilly's Too Much Company starring Mr. and Mrs. Persian Roper

The next morning, the Shahs in Cabo wake up looking interesting. Mike and Sammy look surprisingly refreshed. Reza's hair has definitely sniffed too many armpits. Asa looks like Mrs. Roper in her mumu. MJ looks the same as always – how can that girl party like that? Lilly comes to breakfast in full Ghalichi Glam mode.
We learn that Mike's "snatch" is scaped more than a French chateau. Asa is worried about facing MJ, adding, "She said the most horrendous things to me last night, and who knows what she did after that." MJ gives everyone morning kisses despite grumbling that they don't even deserve her presence. She's nuts – the only thing I'd be giving Reza, Asa, and Lilly is a morning middle finger.
Reza tries to take the floor (as always), but Asa cuts him off by offering MJ an apology. Lilly is annoyed. To the camera, she roars, "I am truly shocked to see that Asa is the one who is apologizing to MJ. Bitch, you're the one that cussed her out!" MJ says to Asa, "When you said that to me, it felt like such a completely out of the blue bullsh*t of a below the belt baseless accusation. Please don't sucker punch me with some baseless bullsh*t." Asa smirks. They hug. Lilly looks beyond disgusted. I, for one, am shocked that MJ and Asa have seemingly kissed and made up… but I'd be lying if I said I didn't thoroughly enjoy Lilly's annoyed bitch face. 
You couldn't pay me enough to hang out with these fools. Oh.. wait…
The Shahs spend the day looking at Asa's a$$ on a yacht. Finally… some fabulousness for Lilly… she says, "I've been yachting all over the world – from Spain to Monaco to every spot you can think of. I wasn't born on a yacht, but I was born to be on a yacht." When Lilly orders a non-alcoholic margarita, Mike whines that "uptight bitches are no fun." After a few drinks, RezaMike, Asa, and Sammy go for a swim in the ocean. Seems safe, no? Even Lilly jumps in! Ghalichi Glam gets wet? No freaking way! Always with the dramatic entrance, MJ flips into the ocean.
They all make it out of the ocean alive – cheers! – only to have to listen to toothpick Lilly complain about butt sag. She says, "Obviously, I love my body. I think I have a great body, but I'm getting older. (hehe, she giggles) I'm almost 30! I feel like the back of my leg and the sides are starting to look (Lilly looks at MJ) droopy." Lilly goes on to say she might get her problem areas fixed with lasers, and Mike says to her, "There's nothing wrong with your legs, there's something wrong in here (points to his head)." Mike calls Lilly a weirdo in his talking head shot. Lilly admits that she's "chasing perfection." To the camera, Asa adds, "What's under all those layers of big Texan hair, eyelashes, makeup? Rock your natural beauty every once in a while." 


You like me, you really like me! I like me too!
Back in GG's world, her launch party goes well despite a "I'm going to do my Rubik's cube because this party is so lame" start. A few observations: GG's mom is stunning. Even Jenna Jameson needs a little hair help sometimes. GG probably should have spent more time schmoozing potential clients and less time flirting with her ex-boyfriend to get Omid Kalantari's attention … Girl, Omid already has it bad for you! I mean, you're hot.. he can do a lot of push ups… naturally, you're going to like each other. Is it just me, or is Omid getting cuter and cuter as the season goes on? When a party goer yells, "We love you GG," GG yells back, "I love me too!" 
In the end, Leila acknowledges GG's hard work, saying, "You did an amazing job. It took a lot of work. I'm really proud of you." GG responds, "Thank you. I feel like you never thought I would pull off something like this." Leila admits, "I didn't. I'm pleasantly shocked. This was a good start for you." The sisters share a hug… for possibly the first time ever… GG is touched. 
In da club, Reza, Sammy, Mike, MJ, and Asa are gon' sip Bacardi like it's their birthday… Lilly's gon' cry about her white Dolce&Gabbana dress and 15K Hermes bag. When the bartender busts out the flaming shots, a horrified Lilly shrieks, "Ack! Some of my parts are flammable." #emmyworthy To the camera, Lilly whines, "Everyone else is clearly having fun, drinking; it is madness. It just isn't my thing. I'm a super control freak. I hate the way drunk people look – they're stumbling, they're sloppy, they're falling apart, they're sweating, they're slurring, they smell bad, they look bad, their breath is bad. It's so unattractive to me. I don't want to look like that… I want to look like this." 


I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a horrible, drunken world!

Mike, smoking the Hookah, says, "There's sourpuss Lilly, looking as if someone farted and she smelled it." MJ gets on the bar and shakes her a$$ in Lilly's face. Then, to really push her over the edge, the Shahs start a game of pass Lilly's $15,000 "why, I'd love to get mugged in Mexico" Hermes bag, much to Lilly's horror. When Asa has ahold of the mug me bag, Lilly snatches it away, sneering, "You're so sweaty, and I don't want it to get dirty." And with that.. Lilly exits stage left. About buzz kill Lilly, MJ says, "So long, sucker. We already miss you… no we don't. Sorry… not sorry. I win." 

Later, Asa is all like, that was epic… with a que. Shut up, you poser. While MJ sneaks a smoke, Reza looks for pills in MJ's purse, much to Mike's horror. Reza mocks MJ's age, saying, "Finally, the truth is out! I hit that and she's forty." He's so disgusting this season. Then, Reza finds what he was looking for, a (green) prescription pill bottle with three or four pills in it. When a barely-dressed MJ returns and Reza makes a jab about the pills, MJ says they're Pablo's pills. (Seriously, sounds like a ridiculous load of crap, but according to my quick Google search: green bottle = veterinarian prescribed, orange bottle = people doctor prescribed. Generally.) 
From there, MJ and Reza are completely out of control. They run around the resort like a bunch of lunatics. Let us not forget that MJ is barely dressed. Mike says, "It was nuts! MJ was like a f-king wild beast trying to catch Reza." When Reza sprays champagne in MJ's face, she screams, "You're burning my eyeballs!"
Looking back, Reza says, "MJ's always been wild and crazy. I know that she's loud. I know that she's over the top, but it's much better in my mind to be a hot mess than a fake total perfect." MJ adds, "Lesson learned in Cabo… being a skinny bitch ain't everything." The trip will go down in history as Mo-cedes, Mo-problems!
Next week on Shahs of Sunset, Asa makes Diamond Water, GG and Omid's romance starts to heat up, Mike introduces girlfriend Jessica to his family, and Reza brings Mike, MJ, and Asa to Great Neck for his family's Rosh Hashanah celebration. Lilly falls off a cliff; Coconut spins left circles of joy. 
Photo credit: Bravo