Shahs Of Sunset Finale Recap: Asa Soltan Rahmati’s Persia Pelooza Is Wha-Wha-Wha-Whack


Last time on Shahs of Sunset, Mike Shouhed and Omid Kalantari ruined Reza Farahan's dinner party. Also, Mercedes "MJ" Javid suffered a breakdown while lunching with her horrid mother and Lilly Ghalichi was told that her on-again-off-again boyfriend of 10 years probably won't marry her as long as she's selling slutty bikinis.
Picking up where we left off, Lilly preaches how it's illegal to have a knife at a dinner party. What is she talking about? This skinny bitch obviously never had to cut a steak or a loaf of bread. When Asa Soltan Rahmati says she's leaving because the dinner party is "so wack. literally," Reza pushes Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi to start apologizing. A smug-faced Asa sits on her imaginary throne, waiting, and GG says, "I personally didn't want to violate you in a physical form, and I am sorry for that. I can't say that I'm sorry for the source of my anger, but I am sorry that I had to react to my anger in that way." Asa busts out the air quotes to mock GG's "apology" and says GG is crazy and doesn't deserve her friendship. 
Will someone please shove a diamond down Asa's throat so she shuts up? She just goes on and on, talking over GG, which makes GG lose her patience. Asa says, "You've been nothing but whack. For one year, you've been nothing but whack." GG mocks Asa right back, saying, "wha-wha-wha-whack!!!" Do adults seriously use the word whack so much? 

As always, the self-involved passive aggressive poser can dish it out but she can't take it, so Asa leaves. Lilly is right behind her, whining, "I'm just stressed the f-k out. I'm not used to all of this arguing and aggression." Word. Lilly can only deal with two types of people: those who fawn all over her fabulousness, kissing her feet, and those who ignore her for decades at a time, cheating on her fake a$$.
To the camera, GG says, "At this point, not only have I given up on Asa, I'm regretting even thinking about wanting to apologize to a piece of sh-t like her."
Sammy, Mike, and Reza try to explain to GG why her apology didn't work. Mike insults GG, saying she doesn't have the mental capacity to understand where they're coming from, and tells her that she ruined her chance to apologize. Reza says to GG, "You are whack. That apology was whack. It was whack. Tonight, you let me down." Reza and his member's only jacket are out! To the camera, Reza bemoans, "I couldn't have choreographed a sh-t show sh-tier than this show. All of this was in vain. What a big waste." 
Retail therapy, anyone? As part of their relationship therapy homework, MJ and Vida go shopping, and Vida is not allowed to be critical of MJ. Vida nags MJ about her parking skills before they even start shopping. When MJ tries on a dress that's a few sizes too small, Vida gently suggest some loose-fitting chiffon. In the end, MJ is happy with their baby steps. Meanwhile, there's a battle of the hair going on at Asa's house. Asa's hair goes up, down, up, down, up, down, up, and down while Lilly's hair-Lilly's face-Lilly's hair tells Asa that she's leaving Ali for good. They both look like they need flea dips.
So, Asa starts rehearsing… the day before the biggest performance of her life… she is beyond annoying. Not surprisingly, Asa blames the music when she doesn't know her own song. Asa worries that she won't be able to sing and dance at the same time. I'd say that's a legit concern considering she can't sing while not dancing. At this point, I don't think even the diamond water love energy could save Asa's performance. Also, Mike asks his parents for their blessing to move forward with Jessica. While Mike's mom supports any decision he makes, his father has concerns about the language barrier. Mike says Jessica is already learning Farsi, adding, "This is the one. She's going to make my house into a home." 
Reza and Adam go "sea glassing" on the beach. Despite sea glassing being something only "white people do," Reza humors Adam because he cares about him but not enough to stop sleeping around. The subject of marriage comes up when Reza questions Adam's "it's complicated" Facebook relationship status. While Adam fantasizes about marriage proposals, Reza shares his concerns about seeing the same golden doodool every day for the rest of his life. Still, Reza knows Adam is an "old fashioned girl who wants to go steady" and says he's "trying." 
It's Persia Pelooza day. Asa starts the day by smoking the jealous evil eye out of her coochie. Next, Asa goes about a few rituals, including henna tattoos, to ignite her inner Persian Pop Priestess. Oh dear. I need strength to get through the next 30 minutes. Asa shares an emotional moment with her mom prior to the show. Crying about her freedom as a Persian woman, Asa says, "My parents went through all this hardship so I could do this." Somehow, I don't think Asa dressing up as a Persian Pop Bloated Bumblebee was exactly what they had in mind but to each their own. In other news, on the biggest night of her life, Asa is drinking Smart Water instead of Diamond Water.
While Reza, Adam, Mike, Jessica, MJ, Drizzy, Tehran, Lilly, Yassamin, and Sammy support Asa, GG celebrates L.A. Fashion week with season one's Anita Gohari. GG toasts to fashion, friendship, and being real, adding, "I'm very sad that I got isolated. I'm going to try for now on to put my pride a little lower down and be vulnerable to myself and my emotions. I have a lot of growing up to do. Hopefully one day things might work out with us."
It's show time – Asa takes the stage wearing a black cloak… you know… so she can reveal herself in a big dramatic way. Asa talks her way through "what you know about gold," struts and screams "ahh" her way through a second song, and then talks her way through a duet with Andy. Asa's show is beyond awful. You know it's bad when the LA Gear hightops and camel toe steal the show. Now we know why music is illegal in Iran. Bravo slows time – Bravo clearly hates us all – so Asa can say, "Today is my challenge in life. (blah, blah, blah) My work is bridging diamonds I can't afford traditional Persian culture with love energy modern American Persian pop culture. (blah, blah, blah)"
Following the show, Asa spews more nonsense and toasts to love and friendship. Reza shouts out "suck it, bitches." Then, to prove how much they've matured this summer, they start a food fight. We're all painfully aware of how much Lilly dislikes getting messy, so it's no surprise when she runs for cover. 
To wrap up the entire summer, MJ says, "I love these fools, but this was not an easy summer. We've been to Hell and back; actually, we're still our way back from Hell. We're all in a way.. growing up.. turning a corner.. a sharp corner." Mike adds, "This very moment in time, I'm with the love of my life and my tribe, and we're all happy. I wish I could just stop time right now." 
Reza shares, "Picture it: Persian New Year 2023, we're all sitting around; I've got my white husband with me; Mike has got his Italian non-Jewish wife and their kids; Asa's got Jermaine and their mixed children; It's such a beautiful quilt. Love and family – that's what makes you what you are – and a Hermes pocket square doesn't hurt." MJ and GG do get a shout out in Reza's fantasy but as an after thought.
According to Bravo: Bravo caps off the explosive second season of Shahs of Sunset with the first ever two-part reunion when Reza, MJ, Mike, Lilly, Asa and GG all sit down with Andy Cohen for the ultimate Farsi face-off. Part one of the reunion, which airs February 17, features the reunion of Asa and GG, accusations about out-of-control-lifestyles, and details about MJ's criminal past. Part two of the reunion show airs March 3 and a lost footage special airs March 10. 
Reality Tea will be recapping the reunions shows. Sorry, we will not be recapping the season two lost footage special, as we could barely stomach season two's found footage.  What a difference one season in Bravoland makes! 
Photo credit: Bravo