Last night on Don't Be Tardy the Zolciak-Biermann fam wrestled with parenting roles and expectations. It seems that Brielle is a child after Kim Zolciak's heart and by that I mean, well… Brielle needs a bit of guidance!

Things begin with Brielle's math tutor showing up. I'm guessing Bravo casting scoured the neo-Reganite Young Republicans club and found the most traditionally "square" looking kid, begged him to come sit at Kim's house and pretend to tutor Brielle in math. I hope they warned him that he may be treated to an eyefull of Kim's lactating boobs, or Kim's boobs bursting out of an ill-fitting top. 

Kim harasses "Phillip" about following Brielle on twitter and allegedly stalking her because he's a fan of Kim. AHAHA! Yeah right. Kim wishes. "As if I would ever let a fan up in my house," Kim tells us. She seems way too devoted to knowing which of Brielle's classmates are interested in her. The answer: none. Is Kim repeating Karen's behaviors now that Brielle is getting older?


Kroy Biermann and Kim hover over Brielle while Phillip coaches her through rudimentary math. That's only after Brielle spends an hour searching for her math book. Don't be tardy for the tutor!

Brielle's grades are abysmal and Kroy does not think she should be getting her license or a car because she'll be spending the summer in school. 


Dear God please don't let her crash and make my boobs explode out of my shirt! 

Later Kim takes Brielle to practice driving in the Escalade and spends the whole time freaking out about how the car's butt isn't parked correctly. When Kim gets out of the car to check the parking job she's wearing a lingerie shirt of some sort. Was she hoping the driving instructor would let Brielle pass the test if she flaunted it? Or maybe she was hoping to corrupt more high school boys. Here's to you Mrs. Biermann… 

Kim and Kroy show up at their attorney's office to discuss finalizing his adoption of Brielle and Arianna. Kim clearly forgot her skirt. Either that or she's picked up a second job somewhere on the corner because I'm not sure how many people let their patootie hang out in a skirt made for a teenager at the lawyer's office. Especially when your lawyer is the respectable sort of older lady! Don't be tardy for the attention seeking! 

The attorney tells them they will petition to terminate the birth father's rights and then proceed with the adoption or something. Kim pretends both girls have the same dad… And Kim teases that she's robbing the cradle with Kroy who would have given birth to Brielle at age 12. When he had a wicked bowl-cut and was chasing pigs in Montana farm country. Weeee hoooo! 

Kim and Kroy go get acupuncture because he's got a neck cramp, admits he's really stressed, and she can't sleep. She's too worried about Kroy making that money to build her dream house and he's too worried about being the father of 4 when he's barely legal himself! That and the fact that he is the sole breadwinner and is put under a lot of pressure to "perform". Oh Kroy… shouldda got that prenup!

While they're in the car Brielle calls to inform them she's failing math. Kroy reminds Kim that Brielle better not be tardy for summer school! 

Kim tells every single person in the office that Kroy is a professional football player. Approximately zero of them look impressed. They were too busy wondering what was on her head and if it is dangerous. 


Too blessed to be stressed! Or not… 

The acupuncturist tells Kim she would sleep better if she did more with her day than wandering around screaming people's names and actually got a hobby, you know like an intellectual pursuit, or exercising, or parenting… Apparently "reading twitter" is her extracurricular activity. Kim's version of "intellectual pursuit" is spending Kroy's money uselessly, caressing wigs, and losing children and dogs to the cavern of nannies she keeps in the basement. 

Kim only likes needles that contain botox she tells us as she gets acupuncture. Afterwards they're supposed to relax while the needles work their magic, but she yammers the whole time about whether or not Kroy is relaxed. At least she didn't start singing! 

Next Kim spends some "quality time" with Brielle (who says she never sees her mom or something) by hauling her to the dentist's office while she whitens her teeth. Does Kim's entire life consist of wandering around to various procedures and grooming appointments? Is that a sign that this show has absolutely NO storyline? All signs point to yes! Don't be tardy to the unemployment line!

Kim and Kroy go poke around in Brielle's closet looking for Kim's clothes that Brielle swiped when Kim brings up the idea of Kroy buying Brielle a car for her 16th birthday. Kroy says no since she hasn't done anything to earn it and can't even get decent grades. An insistent Kim says that she doesn't have to have anything crazy, like a Range Rover, and Kroy about burst out laughing. Kroy says Brielle can drive a used Honda or one of the other cars they currently own. Kim is like so mortified for Brielle. 

Pleading Brielle's case for a new car, Kim says Brielle isn't running around giving "bl*wjobs" or "doing drugs" like she was at her age, which seems to warrant a reward? Kroy is not swayed by "Kimberly's" lack of parenting. He tells Kim she lets Brielle get away with too much and needs to act like the mother, not an overgrown teenager. "N-O," says Kroy in regards to Brielle's potential new car ownership. Get it Gomer! 

And I guess the gravy train is coming to an end. Right now Kim is furiously stabbing at her voodoo dolls and figuring out new ways to manipulate Kroy. The breast milk stopped subduing him.  

Is Kim having a mid-life crisis!? She married a younger man, she's not sleeping, she's acting more immature and subservient than ever, she's rocking skimpier and skimpier less appropriate clothes, and she's fretting that teenage boys no longer quantify her as hot. Maybe she needs to go on estrogen supplements? Or I dunno… stop acting so desperate for the party!

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