Last night was the first part of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion. Right off the bat the vibe was immediately much different than last years – which was awesome. Teresa Giudice seemed relaxed-ish and confident. Jacqueline Laurita had great hair. And Caroline Manzo's head wasn't smoking. So yay for progress. Everyone was very orange though, but you know it could've been my TV. 

Andy Cohen jumps right in. It's clear that some people really either took to heart the therapy and forgiveness, while others cannot and will not let go. Maybe some people really do value their friendships over a show, or maybe it's because they're leaving they want to go out on a good note – whatever. 

Caroline has definitely decided that since she is officially done with this show, it's time to get. honest. And getting honest means calling Melissa Gorga out! Caroline points out that Melissa and Teresa are eerily similar in many ways. While Teresa blinks profusely and thinks carefully about what the word "similar" means, Melissa gets combative and denies, denies, denies! "We're nothing alike. If we were alike, we'd be able to get along," she insists. Melissa insists that at their core she and Teresa are different people. Good thing she cleared that up cause on the surface they're both materialistic, self-absorbed, attention whores! And at their core, they're both rotten! 


They're the same person with interchangeable foreheads like a Mr. Potato Head. So, yeah – basically Caroline is being upfront about the fact that she never liked Melissa and was just pretending to for the show. Alright, well played, Caroline, well played. Good shade, mama!

Melissa is definitely on the hot seat tonight and it's not boding well for her plasticity to be so close to an open flame. Now she knows what it's like to be Teresa, even though they absolutely have like nothing in common. To every question Andy asks Melissa about her cheating allegations, past, etc she claims the person just wants to be on Housewives. So either everyone Melissa knows is a famewhore, like her, or well… maybe where there's smoke there's a Housewife on fire! 

Kathy Wakile barely gets any attention. Jacqueline throws some "pretend shade" when she jokes that everyone forgets about Wallpaper. Teresa clears up the "are the edible" comment about the cannoli and says she was responding to a question and it was edited cleverly. Rosie Pierri comes out in a Sylvia Patroli from Golden Girls polyester pant suit looking sharp and we revisit her glorious moments of bonding with Juicy

In between blaming people for telling lies about her, Melissa is throwing so much shade at Teresa she should be carrying a parasol. 

Teresa then accuses Melissa of having a contract with RadarOnline to put out negative stories about her! I believe it – Melissa looks guilty as hell. Teresa says she found out when she hired a crisis PR team because of the indictment who told her about how Radar isn't giving Melissa any negative press.  

Speaking of Teresa, her new PR team is working wonders! She is composed, keeping it in check, and calm. 

Jacqueline seems much happier this reunion and says Nicholas is doing well, but it's a daily struggle. She reveals that Dina Manzo never reached out to her over Nicholas' diagnosis. Wow! Andy asks if Jacqueline is getting nipped and tucked to avoid dealing with family problems. She denies it but is dubbed Miss Plastic Surgery New Jersey 2013 and gets a crown of fat rolls and botox needles. 


Finally the husbands take the stage. Juicy is wearing a tan leisure suit. Poison's head is now shaved. He probably had a contract requirement so his shoe polish head didn't ruin the Venetian sofas. 

Andy enquires about the Gorga's liquidating their mansion for full asking price. Melissa says they "did well" in selling the house but now denies that they got $3.8M, despite telling the press that's what they got. Look! Another Teresa/Melissa similarity – neither one of them know what the word "truth" means. Melissa changes stories faster than the minutes tick by. 

Andy asks the Juicys about their indictment. Teresa says she's in disbelief, all her cast mates reached out and have been supportive. Caroline admits no one knew the "magnitude" of the issues. Teresa believes it could happen to anyone. Um… no. Not really, but ok keep on, keepin' on Delusionista!

Then we talk cheating allegations, Penny, Jan, Johnny The Greek

Melissa is confused that Teresa has no outrage on her behalf when people like Jan start making accusations against her sister-in-law. Like she stalked Danielle Staub and flipped a table over nothing but when she hears Melissa is giving a BJ in a parking lot it's all <crickets, crickets>. Teresa's like um… well yeah cause you probly did it! Melissa does have a point there. Unfortunately it's quickly obscured by an argument about whether or not Kim D is Teresa's "best friend". And you know Melissa isn't exactly flipping tables in Teresa's defense either. She is all too quick to accept that Teresa is ALWAYS behind the problems and always the source of the rumors. That is discussed at length also. 

Teresa points out that by giving people like Penny attention, you're giving them ammunition and they should all just ignore. It was a surprisingly mature and correct assessment. 


Melissa claims her sisters don't tweet on her behalf and Teresa makes that up. Next we discuss why Juicy and Poison get along like brothers from another mother (see what I did there?!) until Melissa comes into the picture then it's all grunt, grunt I hate you. charrrrrrrgeeee growl. Caroline says that as soon as Melissa is in the room Poison's guard is up. Interesting, interesting… I like this Housewife that's not coming back goes no holds barred honest thing! Go Caro. 

Teresa admits Poison's temper scares her and true to form he gets all growl, charge, snarl while Melissa smiles sweetly. So yeah… is he hurt or is he angry or is he crazy? Poison says at least he's not on drugs. But xanax can really be a good friend in a time of need! He keeps saying people area accusing him of being a "maniac". 

Teresa then denies holding onto grudges. Andy gives her the look the collective viewership of America has: yeaaaah right! Teresa holds onto grudges tighter than soon to be auctioned off Louis Vuitton bags! 

rhonj-reunion-drvThen Dr. V comes out and tries to sift through the rubble of a crumbling fambly. From Dr. V Teresa learned that apologizing is not the same is admitting you're responsible for something. She confesses she shouldn't have validated Jan or Penny's crazy by listening to what they were saying about Melissa

Dr. V asks Poison about his temper and both Gorgas get very defensive. Andy says it's a pattern of explosive behaviors from the christening to the fight with Juicy. Poison claims he's passionate. Andy has security waiting in the wings. Dr. V all but suggests he get help but then Melissa says he doesn't need it cause he gets lots and lots of sex, right girls. #ItsNotWorking 

Joe wants Teresa to apologize for calling him a "pu$$y" and Teresa wonders where her apology from all the name calling and comments about he marriage, etc is? Oh Teresa – that apology is coming right about the time the Poison's get a $3.8 M check for their house. Teresa does apologize begrudgingly. 

The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Season 5

I don't really care to get into more crap about how Teresa is responsible for the cheating stuff. We've been over this a 100 times. Melissa wants to know what Teresa meant when she wrote in a blog that Melissa is "very, very lucky that I'm keeping quiet about the things I do know." Teresa is on her best behavior now so she's keeping quiet. Last season's Teresa would have gone for the ballistic. Teresa responds asking what negative things she's ever said about Melissa. Was that a rhetorical question or was she being sarcastic? Huh?!? 

And then Teresa and Caroline go at it. See Caroline was frustrated that neither Teresa nor Melissa took the horse therapy seriously despite the fact that they were all on this retreat to deal with Gorgadice problems. 

Then Teresa wrote a blog in which she said Caroline was in a bad mood and fighting will Al the whole trip. That is probably 100% true, but the problem is Teresa "heard" this happened instead of seeing it so in RHONJ land that makes it a lie. It takes Teresa 45 minutes of obfuscating and making excuses instead of just simply saying she reacted badly because she was hurt. I'll never get Jersey logic. 

With Dr. V holding a switchblade stiletto to Teresa's head and Caroline's eyes boring into her until the sequins on her dress start to melt, Teresa apologizes. Caroline gives her The Caroline look and strokes her forehead, 'See that's not so bad…'. Feeling like she's not getting enough attention Melissa leaps in to comment that she would never, ever write a mean blog. She wouldn't? OK, Delusionista! 

My favorite moment: The clearly resuscitated​ friendship of Jacqueline and Teresa. They seemed giddy. They admitted they're working on things and have been talking. C'mon…collective awwwwwwww. We love them! Lucy & Ethel forever. 

My least favorite moment: Learning that since all the therapies, the Gorgas and the Giudices did not see each other once all summer and barely spoke on the phone. They take turns blaming each other for the reasons and then Teresa says everyone is busy but they're still working on it. Eventually Teresa admits that she doesn't "like" Melissa but she "loves" her because she has to. It was honest, I'll give her that! 

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