Brandi Glanville is temporarily taking her writing gig off twitter and publishing her second book Drinking & Dating.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star promises to continue with the raunchy, straightforward, outspoken approach that made her first book such a success.
"I dedicate this book to all the men I've loved before and to all the single people looking for love in this world: keep hope alive, learn from my mistakes, and by all means #KeepItSexy," Brandi begins after telling us P.S. "Social media is ruining romance". Yes, Brandi and so are drunken tabloid photos.
With an introduction titled "How To Get Screwed" (the first line of which is "F–k me."), you know you're in for a wild ride! Brandi gives a ton of anecdotes and continues with her theme of interweaving hashtags throughout the text as if twitter truly is writing this book.
A snippet of the introduction and the first chapter are below!
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From the Introduction:
“I’m sure people have wondered what I could possibly have left to discuss after I freely aired all of the dirty laundry in my first book, from my husband’s torrid affairs with cocktail waitresses, well-known actresses (#MyLipsAreSealed), and one cunt-ry music singer to my undergoing vaginal reconstructive surgery to make my kitty seventeen again. The answer was simple: drinking, dating, and occasionally medicating… and other ways I’ve gotten f–ked.” Oh Brandi… do we really want to know. Apparently she thinks we do!
"There are a million ways to get screwed in this town – and I've experienced most of them."
“Learning that some douche bag, wannabe talk-show host that I went on one pity date with was selling completely false stories about me because not only was his career in the shitter but I also refused to have sex with him, is one way. Getting pinned to the hood of a professional athlete’s Porsche on a dark side street in Beverly Hills because neither of us could wait the fifteen-minute drive to his house is another. I never seemed to have a problem getting f—ked – good or bad."
"It's been five years since my life was forever changed. I've been separated and then divorced for almost as long as I was married… "
Brandi then informs us of the three permanent reminders from her marriage – her two boys and HPV. She warns us to #SeeYourDoctor and recites some scary HPV statistics. Yikes!
Brandi goes on to embrace all of her embarrassing moments!
“I went through hell and back, but I’m here, I’m breathing, and I’m still using wildly inappropriate language at the worst possible moments. #BrandiBlunders. I’ve embraced being a single mom and created a very happy life for my boys and me. I continue to make embarrassing mistakes all the time and I still have a really poor knowledge of historical political figures, I’ve always owned it. #Duh. No more ex-husbands to blame, no more horrible friends to make me feel bad, and no more seventeen-year-old vagina (See chapter 4 where I discuss one of the gorgeously well-endowed men I dated. My kitty’s probably more like twenty-three now, which isn’t horrible. #CouldBeWorse.)"
Brandi goes onto deny having affairs during her marriage, discuss how she can't stand reading personal, private details of her life in the tabloids ("#UsWeekly"), and discovering a new mantra for deciding who to date (No one is off limits, there are no types, and "Yes is the new no!").
And now onto Chapter 1: "I Survived. Now What?"
Brandi explains to us the importance of having the right zip code and living on the "right side of Mulholland Drive".
"When it comes to domestic life, you can tell a lot about a person based solely on where he or she lives," Brandi writes. Then she details how she became another in a series of Hollywood's failed Stepford wives.
Brandi met Eddie Cibrian shortly after moving to LA when she was just a starving, single gal model who would act as a rich Persian's non-sexual escort armcandy ("In fact, he's still a close friend of mine today," Brandi reveals.) In exchange for him paying half of her rent for a decent apartment she shared with her friend Michelle they helped him gain entry into the exclusive Hollywood clubs.
After years of moving around The Valley, Brandi and Eddie eventually landed in "the deepest part of The Valley: Cala-f–king-basas. #KrisJenner." It was a sleepy nothing town at the time, despite being only 25 miles from Hollywood. "Our real estate agent told us the town was dubbed 'the land of horses and divorces' because everything for sale in the area was either bare land or the product of yet another failed marriage." I guess it was foreshadowing!
“I was trapped in Housewives Hell. Not that it wasn’t pretty and pristine, but there were more bored housewives per square mile there than in a pole-dancing strip class. #GuiltyAsCharged. Every husband was fucking somebody else’s wife, and antidepressants might as well have been popped with a PEZ dispenser. I referred to the gates that enclosed our beautiful community as my own personal Truman Show (including the fake husband) or, if you prefer Groundhog Day. Either way, I quickly became my own version of a Stepford wife.”
Brandi's book is currently available for pre-order. And can we just talk about the holy Photoshop on that book cover?!
Well tonight is a brand new episode of RHOBH. Kyle Richards and Carlton Gebbia finally have a blowout after weeks of passive-aggressive fighting. Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle reignite their friendship to throw a joint birthday party for Mauricio and Ken.
Reality Tea will be live-tweeting all the drama!
[Photo Credit: Amazon]
TELL US – WILL YOU BE READING BRANDI'S NEW BOOK?