Vanderpump Rules Recap: She Bangs


Don't you love a good twist? Like a super dishy one? Well last night on Vanderpump Rules we got one! 

Let's just cut to the chase – Jax Taylor admitted to banging Kristen Doute, not once – but twice! Oooooohhhhweeeee boy. And one of those bangs happened while Tom 1 (as in Kristen's boyfriend – the she's been freaking out over his cheating all season) was In. The. Next. Room. Say it with me now: escándalo! ES-SCAND-DAL-O! 

Of course, one Stassi Schroederwhose middle name is vendetta and whose first name is legally insane, is furious. She decides it's time to destroy Kristen's life as revenge. Isn't having the whole world know you banged Jax enough?! Apparently not! First order of business: gifting Kristen with a dildo dipped in acid to destroy her insides. Is this woman working for the Taliban yet?! North Korean dictators? I think I found her calling! 

But what of Jax, you ask? What terrible fate befalls him? Well, for his honesty he is accepted into the group; folded in like a big ol' piece of cheese wrapped between two buttery warm pieces of bread. Finally – FINALLY – Jax has realized honesty really is the best policy. He gets all the attention he craves and a gold star for truth telling. Are you rolling your eyes? I so am! Apparently Jax is a dirty dog and he can't help his wandering peen, but Kristen she's supposed to be one of Stassi's revolving best friends.


Let's backtrack a bit. Jax came out with the purloined info after Lisa Vanderpump and Stassi grilled him at SUR over all the drama with Kristen, her hatred of Ariana, the Tom 1 cheating and how Jax lied about that and Kristen's crazy meltdown.

Now Stassi is on the warpath. Jax is having a birthday celebration with the boys because he's turning 34 years stupider, and Stassi crashes to drop the bomb on the table that Jax admitted to hooking up with Kristen. Oh, excuse me: "banging" Kristen. I think that word was used approximately 3,456 times last night. 

As all the boys are sitting around the table wearing bibs (they were eating lobster) Stassi barges in, orders wine, and schools Jax on his bad behavior. I think Jax liked it. 

Poor Peter Madrigal is shocked and disgusted. He's such a delicate flower. First of all, does Jax have no standards? Second of all, Tom 1 is his best friend. Tom 2 is in agreement that Tom 1 should not be told. 

Stassi concocts a plan – she's gonna ambush Kristen with Jax present so she is forced to admit the banging took place. Jax agrees to be part of Stassi's ambush if she stops attempting to vilify him. 

Meanwhile, Kristen is blissfully plotting her post-SUR future where she quits and focuses on her acting career. She re-edits her acting reel which features a ton of footage of her acting crazy, being in dysfunctional relationships, getting slapped, and having illicit sex – you know not at all unlike her real life! 

As Stassi plots and toils, Lisa warns her that none of her nefarious deeds better take place at SUR. And then Lisa puts the smackdown on Jax. "When your d–k interferes with my business, it's my business," she snaps and proceeds to lecture him on how he needs to start thinking before he acts and taking responsibility for the way he behaves. It was epic! I think it turned Jax on – I mean we know he likes to be spoken to harshly (See: Stassi, VPR Season 1 & 2). 

Stassi invites everyone to a bar and Kristen arrives under the pretense of rebuilding her friendship with Stassi and Katie Maloney. Katie is squarely on Team Stassi, of course. The fear keeps her in check!

After Scheana Marie accosts Kristen and Tom 1 at the door to show off her engagement ring for what seemed like a full 15 minutes, Kristen sits down next Stassi and the inquisition begins. It does not go well. Kristen emphatically denies it and calls Jax a liar. He claims he has texts to back it up. Tom 1 also calls Jax a liar and is outraged that Jax is turning into Stassi on a quest to ruin his life. 

Stassi and Kristen scream at each other over being bitches and then Stassi full-on wails off and SLAPS KRISTEN! Backhands her right at the table! Kristen lunges for Stassi's extensions. Tom 2 lunges for Kristen for fear of the wrath of Katie. And both ladies end up rolling off the sofas, onto the floor until they are yanked a part. Kristen storms out and threatens to call the cops. I think it turned Jax on. 

Oh but it doesn't end there! The next day, nursing her bruise Kristen continues to deny to Tom 1 that any ill-behavior took place with Jax. Tom wants to believe her (but he really, really doesn't because he's desperate to get away from her).

The rest of the group is having a beach day to celebrate Jax's accomplishment in being completely belittled and controlled by Stassi. Tom 1 is invited and said he might come. 

The shocking thing, other than Jax's reveal that the banging took place, is that he feels no remorse for betraying his best friend and sleeping with his girlfriend while he was in the next room, and then again when they were on a break. Jax says he doesn't feel bad because Tom cheated on Kristen so many times. Everyone is slightly creeped out. Actually, they're more disgusted by that than the actual betrayal. And rightfully so. 

As Stassi is berating Jax in a self-righteous way about how amazing she is for forgiving him, Tom 1 SHOWS. UP! He tromps across the sand with a scowl and a pair hibiscus flowered swimtrunks. And he has unfinished business with Jax. He wants to see the texts from Kristen proving a banging took place. 

And there they are in all their splendored detail – Kristen. Banged. Jax and conspired with him to cover it up. And poor Tom is blindsided. Jax just sits there, like whoops. Tom doesn't understand how his friend of 10 years could do this to him – he wants details. Jax denies kissing Kristen despite the sex (we don't believe you) and basically has nothing to say for himself. 

Man, I actually feel terrible for Tom 1 – the betrayal of a good friend is the absolute worst! That said I certainly don't feel sorry for Psychopassi

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