Real Housewives of New York Recap: Crazy, Sexy, Delusional

Sonja Morgan Delusional

Did the entire cast of Real Housewives of New York lose their minds (I mean, that's insinuating they had minds to begin with, but…) – someone must have spiked the pinot! Sonja Morgan is in hot water – and I don't mean in the spa hot tub. She's got a mess of financial issues that are literally drowning her. Because Ramona Singer has issues of her own, she's decided to ignore them and focus all of her animosity on taking care of Sonja. It doesn't bode well for Ramonja! Is Turtle Time dead? (Please say yes!). 

Sonja has a pool day, so she and her intern hit up the local Whole Foods some refreshments and then hire a the DJ/Bar Tender. The guests? Sonja, Aviva Drescher, and Ramona. Yes – Sonja hired a DJ and bar tender for this. "If you don't feel decadent, you're doing something wrong!" Sonja explains. Something wrong like spending money on things like DJs when your iPod playlist will do just fine? Something like that decadence? #ThisIsWhyYoureBankrupt


​While Aviva and Sonja are sunning themselves Ramona calls to bail. "I don't do well with extreme temperatures," she complains. Extreme temperatures like room-temperature pinot? Or extreme temperatures like the throbbing headache you get from a hangover? Sonja knows something is off with Ramona.

Are Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle F–k in a funk? Sonja's mind is whirling; she feels off-balance, and a little woozy and suddenly it's like she has phantom limb syndrome – there's this big gap on the left side of her body once occupied by Pinot. Oh well, at least she has Ben… (insert ominous foreshadowing here.) 

Ramona Discusses Sonja's Finances

Meanwhile Ramona heads to the Hamptons Designer House with LuAnn de Lesseps and Carole Radziwill. LuAnn launched a dishware collection and featured in the showroom are her unbreakable melamine plates. After Ramona tests the re-stickyness of peel-n-stick wallpaper (and that stuff is a biatch of Ramona portions to get on), she samples the purported durability of LuAnn's plates by picking one up and flinging it into the pool. Oh Ramona and her manners. Whomever said chivalry is dead has been closely acquainted with Pinot. 

And if melamine plates is a euphemism for Ramona and Sonja's everlasting love: Ramonja is sinking faster than a melamine plate in a pool. Shouldn't someone jump in save the unbreakable Frick and Frack from drowning?

After destroying the Designer House, Ramona turns her attentions to destroying Sonja's reputation. She tells LuAnn and Carole that Sonja is totally in denial about her financial state because her house has actually been taken over by a trustee to sell in an effort to repay Sonja's debts. Debts which cannot be expunged no matter what. To hear Ramona tell it Sonja will be moving her interns into a 10-year-old Hermes box in the parking garage next door. 

Kristen Taekman visits a new modeling agent to see if they're looking for someone in the 30+ "Lifestyle" category. The agent tells Kristen her mileage is just too high. She's 1987 LeBaron as far as fresh faces go. The least helpful modeling agent in the world suggest Milwaukee because that market has lower standards. Can't Chadwick's just hire her? Or Peruvian Connection?! 

After that mess, Ramona, Sonja, LuAnn, and Aviva hit up a wine tasting. Aviva dismisses the first sample as tasting like "urine". Aviva has tasted urine? What kind of kinkiness was she into with Dubin and his dipping dubin? Then Sonja arrives to share her conveyer belt of business ideas – none of which involve reality. 

LuAnn calls Sonja A Bitch

LuAnn wants to know where the mythical toaster oven is. I think I saw one once… way out in the woods on Fire Island, but it hid so quickly I may have been imagining things.  

According to Sonja, you can't put Sonja in a $24.99 box (no – she wants a fully renovated and restored with sharpie and colored masking tape Prada box, thankyouverymuch). And furthermore she's selling sex. Sexy toaster ovens. Like sex toys shaped like toaster ovens? Like recipes equal sexiness in toaster ovens. Confused much? Oh just you wait! 

The ladies swarm Sonja for more concise information about her business plans of which it turns out there is a huge mess of Sonja-wares (invisible ones mind you): skin care lines, jewelry, lingerie, and dishes, and recipe books, and newsletters, and caburlesque shows, potholders, and party planning business, and shirts. It's the yellow and white diamond collection – she's told them a million times. Is she confusing her business ventures with Aviva's wallpaper? Ramona and LuAnn are exhausted by Sonja's lack of focus and crazy-talk. 

Eventually Sonja complains that LuAnn never has an opinion on anything because she married royalty (HA!) and wasn't allowed to. LuAnn snaps that Sonja is a bitch. Woooo-weeee – Avicious is really rubbing off on these girls, eh?

Sonja – a little advice: the toaster oven is over its mileage.

Back in the city Ramona has little Come To Pinot talk about Sonja's situation. She's concerned that Sonja is in denial, but Sonja is fine – she's read The Secret. Instead of looking for a 2-3 bedroom apartment, Sonja's going to book a yurt and sit in a posification-ritual sweatlodge. #TheSecret

Heather Thomson Sues Spanx

After those catastrophes Heather Thomson is embroiled in a lawsuit with Spanx because they're infringing upon her patent. She needs tequila and pizza and beer to see her through. At least she can hide the bloat with one of her own shapewear products! Carole confesses to re-writing Wikipedia pages, so I guess you could say Carole is kinda like Wikipedia's ghostwriter.

Carole is remodeling her apartment and wants to remove the kitchen (since she never uses it) for an office. Aviva is shipping Harrison off to summer camp for seven weeks so she has a farewell fajita dinner that includes HarryReid dispenses some sage summer camp advice: don't spend too much time playing with the girls. har-har. What is it with this family and sexual innuendos? Poor Harrison should just emancipate himself. 

Sonja Gets Stood Up

Then Sonja tries to go out on a much-needed supportive dinner date with Ben, her 23-year-old beau but he stands her up! She calls an intern and begs them to come down for dinner. Tres sad. 

So Sonja decides to host a spa day for the girls. That's what all the most bankrupt girls do! Sonja also forgot one other important detail: Ramona and relaxation do not go in the same sentence, except if you are explaining how Ramona is the antithesis of relaxation. Which, read on. 

While Carole, LuAnn, and Heather go get spa treatments, Aviva, Ramona, Kristen, and Aviva soak in the hot tub. Which is where it emerges that Ramona has broken up Sonja and Ben because she called a friend of his mother out of concern for their age difference! It all started with Avery getting asked out by a 21-year-old which got Ramona thinking that Sonja and Ben's relationship is practically incestuous. "Everyone needs a Mrs. Robinson," Sonja argues. "And he's got a black card." Which everyone also needs. 

Ramona is adamant, she has to save Ben from Sonja's wanton charms – she's practically 50! He's too young for her Ramona yells while acting like a high school gossip queen. "Sonja thinks between her legs," Ramona insists. Kristen accuses Ramona of being jealous of Sonja's barely legal nookie, so Ramona flings a glass of champagne at Kristen. Yes, Ramona threw a drink. Pinot: Class in a glass!

Ramona Throws Wine On Kristen

Kristen retaliates by splashing Ramona, who freaks out that her hair is ruined. She shrieks that Kristen is a bitch and retreats to the bathroom to try and salvage her hair. She sticks a giant curler in it (crazy lady in public with curlers alert!), barges out and demands that Kristen stay out of her business and stop meddling (oh, irony) because Kristen is not her friend. 

Kristen complains that 65 years ago Ramona failed etiquette 101. Yep, 65 [million] years ago, when Ramona roamed the earth, manners did not exist. She's really gotten a lot of mileage out of Turtletime.

Ramona With Curler

Ramona does not like that Kristen, but I do! She's got spunk. And gumption. And she really, really sets Pinot on the rails. And next week, the flinging of things gets worse!

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