Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of New York continued to glamp in the muck of Montana. The country air doesn't seem to be doing much to restore their constitutions, but it does seem to be causing them a great, aggrieved case of boredom. I have no idea how long they were stranded out there – alone, in luxury cabins, without butlers and forced to clear their own breakfast dishes – but one thing is for sure: Kristen Taekman is a horrible hostess!
It seems that Kristen can't do anything right. She can't make the air conditioner cool enough to quell Ramona Singer's hot flashes. She can't find someone to fill Sonja Morgan's bed – and Sonja has resorted to wearing underwear. She can't get Heather Thomson to take her seriously or care what she thinks. And worst of the worst of the worst of all – she can't get anyone to Geocache!
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR THE REST!
Kristen and Heather get into a ranting argument in the woods about how Heather is bossy and Kristen is, oh I dunno… A whiny brat who feels powerless in her own life because she married a douche. Let the record show that Kristen later describes Josh as "manly" – like Mario Singer. Ahem.
Kristen has a stress-induced meltdown because no one appreciates her and stomps off to cry in her room. Sonja complains that unlike herself, Kristen is not a hostess. Carole Radziwill points out that last season she faced Pinot and Commado's wrath for not being hostess-y enough in St. Barths. And let's be real here: Sonja doesn't even have hot water or working plumbing, the only thing she has to offer her guests is a broken down toaster oven and some dog pissed stained fading glamour. Oh – and interns called Cottage Cheese and Bologna.
While Kristen is pouting, Ramona snatches the hostess crown in a judicious way, puts on her coolest ensemble featuring sheer shorts and a visible thong, and shoves beers and wine down everyone's throats. Ramona gets so tipsy she falls off a chair and Heather announces she is planning to remain drunk to escape this prison Bravo has created. Pinot is the new prison garb!
Carole goes to check on Kristen and reminds her that Tweedle Drunk and Tweedled Do Me are really not people to take seriously. Kristen dries her tears and they all get ready for that evening's festivities: glamping! There was much over-packing, over-dramatizing, and over-obsessing – and Sonja dressed in a slutty sorority girl's 'Pocahontas' Halloween costume as she "geo-crashed," waking up to flash her boobs. She and Ramona are clearly drunk – which explains the outfits. Maybe.
This is real glamping, as in a gorgeous tents filled with amenities including two cute, young 'butlers'. Sonja asked Ramona to block her while she removed her undies and struts over. "Hello boys," she slurs, following them around all night suggesting they jam out with the clam out. Here comes Mrs. Statutory Rape-inson! One butler runs home to mommy. The other files a complaint with human resources.
Ramona complains to Kristen that it is she who planned this entire trip and made countless phone calls to over-compensate for the lack of accommodation. "I'm the hostess," Ramona bellows, sounding like Joan Rivers, all hoarse and croaky from shriek-ranting about how the AC isn't below zero and she's been sleeping in the freezer. LuAnn de Lesseps, fabulously, laughed in Ramona's face and openly mocked her. Ramona needs a turtle time out!
Over dinner, things escalate to the ugly point when Kristen and Heather go at it. Drunk arguments rarely turn out advantageously for anyone but Andy Cohen! Kristen wants Heather to admit that she's bossy. Apparently Heather controls everyone – even her friends, even Carole(!) – and definitely her husband Jonathan. Kristen feels the reason Heather didn't want to Geocache was because it wasn't her activity. Heather snaps at Kristen to stop right there and cease talking about her marriage and husband. Then she stands up on the chair and screeches that she's the "boss bitch!"
Kristen storms off – again – and shockingly Ramona follows. After all, as LuAnn points out, Ramona has assumed the self-appointed role of hostess, so she must manage the beasts.
Counseling Kristen over pinot, Ramona slurs and rasps that Jonathan is so invisible she forgot his name. He wears the panties while Heather wears the Yummie boxer-briefs, control top for the lady who needs to control everything. Jonathan, unlike Mario and Josh, isn't a
cheating prick real man. Kristen cheers to that.
The next morning a hung-over Heather is still upset at what went down with Kristen. Carole brings her coffee in one of her many Little House On the Prairie getups. Heather thinks the root of Kristen's frustration is that she's unhappy in her marriage, feeling powerless and unsupported. Kristen, meanwhile, calls Josh to recount the previous night's incidents, and he dismisses her concerns because Heather has a strong personality so Kristen shouldn't take it personally. Kristen looks dejected. D-I-V-O-R-C-E!
Then it's time for rodeo! They all over-dress. LuAnn borrowed fringe pants from her downstairs pied-e-terr neighbor who is in a Village People coverband, but I must admit she looked sensational! Carole, on the other hand, looked like a sister wife fresh off the compound. The other rodeo attendants are in jeans and one man suggests the Housewives "Get real." As if!
Later LuAnn visits the port-a-potty, where I am quite certain some fringe was tinkled upon. Heather is sad that she and Kristen aren't speaking, but she has LuAnn and Carole to joke with. Lu and Heather are a great, funny pair – ladies that boss together, stay together! Kristen stops Carole outside the port-a-johns to ask what's up with Heather. Carole tells Kristen she owes Heather an apology and was out of line (and mean) to judge her marriage. Kristen refuses to accept that and wants an apology from Heather, because Heather misunderstood what she was trying to say. Like duh, bossy isn't a bad thing! Ok, K…
I think they both owe each other an apology. Heather for being insensitive and a sort of shitty friend who behaved selfishly. And Kristen for her tantruming and obnoxious comments.
For the final dinner in Montana, Kristen planned a surprised hatchet throwing lesson and a gorgeous BBQ with some of the cowboys from their stay. In Freaky Friday, The Middle-Aged Years – Pinot and Commando discuss how Ramona isn't wearing underwear but Sonja is. LuAnn wrinkles her nose, repulsed. That makes two of us!
The tallest cowboy in the world leads the hatchet throw. Heather and LuAnn, true to form, land perfect bulls eyes. Ramona imagines Mario's mistress's face and hits somewhere in the vicinity of what could be considered her chestal region, but contact was made! Ramona throwing that axe was scary as hell – Pinot is learning far too much about weaponry out here in the west! Sonja would rather roofie a post-adolescent cowboy. And Carole flashes everyone when her tube dress slips.
Over dinner, Kristen and Heather have a talk. I thought Kristen was going to apologize, but she starts ranting at Heather again, then reiterates that Heather is bossy and controlling. Heather wonders what Jonathan would think if he heard Kristen's comments, and Kristen believes Jonathan would agree with them!
Just when I think this friendship is sunk, the ladies agree to get over it, both of them apologize, and they bury the hatchet. Kristen says she was having a bad day and took it out on Heather. Next time I say something supremely shitty I'm copping to the "bad day defense." Does that hold up in court? When Ramona buries a hatchet in Mario's hair implants, can she use the bad day defense?
Anyway, I'm glad these two friends worked things out and didn't let their friendship fall apart over vacation pettiness. Although, it seems like Kristen and Heather are taking their own marital problems out on each other! Hmmm…
The best part of the episode is when Carole put on a bear costume and scared the Bejesus out her co-stars – Sonja even peed her pants! Bear costume on eBay – $600, scaring your castmates into peeing their pants – priceless.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHO WAS IN THE WRONG: KRISTEN OR HEATHER?