Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Hair Raising Bad Time

amber marchese freaks out

Last night things got really, really, really Jerry Springer on Real Housewives of New Jersey. Like more so than table flips and husbands brawling and terrorizing fashion shows thrown by stripmall ’boutiques’. 

Nicole Napolitano is teaming up with boyfriend Bobby to throw a First Responder themed costume party under the guise of raising awareness for the cause. They aren’t soliciting donations because, let’s face it – everyone on this show is broke! I mean Joe Gorga even tells us his wife Melissa Gorga is living in a delusional fantasy world that they have money. Here she is crashing Bentleys like they can afford the car in the first place, let alone the repairs! Personally I think Melis crashed that Bentley when she was pulling a getaway with some clothes from last week’s shopping trip with twins. But Joe tells us this happens all the time – what exactly is she fleeing from? The truth? It must be the paparazzi – she’s on display, guys! 

Melissa is frustrated because Amber Marchese‘s gossiping about Nicole put her in an awkward situation and naturally she had to tell Nicole. Melissa doesn’t understand when Amber got so uppity – they used to be best party buds but now Amber is acting high and mighty! Melissa blames Amber’s husband. 


Speaking of which, Jim is complaining that he can’t be seen out in public with Joe and Teresa Giudice. Not because Teresa has plastic sprayed on hair that literally stands out 5 feet from her head or because she flips tables or pterodactyl screams, but that whole fraud thing! Jim wants to avoid people who get into trouble – he probably should have avoided RHONJ altogether then!  

All the ladies of Classyville, New Jersey go to a costume shop to get some upscale and demure outfits for Bobby’s gathering. They tried on all varieties of the finest silks, satins, and cashmeres before deciding to return to their old standbys: polyester, spandex, and vinyl. Why be sophisticated when you can be slutterific in your hoochie firefighter ensemble?! Melissa wants to be a sailor – Teresa’s confused because that has nothing to do with “first responsers”. 

teresa reacts to jim's arrogance

Since Melissa is all about doing the right thing this season, she tells Teresa that Jim doesn’t want to be seen with her or Juicy. Teresa is like: Ummmm… I can’t read the cue cards from here… In monotone, she recites, ‘Who is Jim? I don’t care what he thinks’ – is Teresa high on zen this season? 

Nicole drones on and on in her ruffled monstrosity of a blouse to tell us how excited she is to throw this party with Bobby – it will really define their relationship. I just focused on the moving ruffles. Then we went to Teresa’s house where poor Audriana was wearing the skirt equivalent of Nicole’s blouse. How can that poor little girl even sit down in the accordion the new budget-savvy Tre refashioned into a skirt? #CallCPS

dina manzo resists blind date

Nicole goes to Dina Manzo‘s to gawk at some hairless cats and convince Dina to go on a date with a first responser. Dina, who is one step away from telling the hairless felines to scratch Nicole’s eyes out, says she’s not ready. Then she cleans out her shoe closet and cries thinking of another woman filling this space when she moves out. Since Dina would rather stay at home being the crazy cat lady she wears scrubs to Nicole’s party and is surprised to find a hot firefighter ready to meet her. I thought it might be a Chippendale’s extra telling Dina he heard about a five-alarm fire down under, but nope – his clothes stayed on as he asked her out to dinner and she rejected him. 

Luckily other fires were being stoked across the party. When Amber arrives she says hello to Teresssssa Aprea, “sensually” dressed in a latex fire suit that only barely shows labia, and is shunned. Teresssa leads Amber to Nicole, who is wearing suspenders and a snarl. She immediately freaks out that Amber called her a home wrecking whore. “She never said whore,” Melissa interjects, cluing Amber into the fact that Melissa was the one stirring the pot. 

Before Amber or Melissa could even start a proper argument, Nicole grabs onto Amber’s hair with a death grip and won’t let go. Amber grabs Nicole’s hair back and they are like locked horns, clinging onto each other until people break them apart. Then Teressssa flings her wine at Amber. I think Nicole doth protest too much about this alleged not cheating…  And here we thought a table flip was trashy – oh us little naive novices!

amber and nicole brawl on rhonj

Where were all these so-called first responders?! Isn’t their job rapid action in an emergency? Melissa tried to pull the ladies apart without dismantling her duct taped together SWAT costume. Teresa tried to call for help, but while she was googling ‘First Responser’ and waiting on hold with 411, Nicole yanked out 3/4 of Amber’s discount premium Brazilian weave and slashed her latex cop costume with a snaggly acrylic nail. 

Jim finally yanks Amber away from the Tyrannosaurus Rex Twins, then he hands her a wad of weave that Nicole pulled out and he found on the floor. In the kitchen Bobby has no idea his girlfriend has just been involved in an eloquent debate about the protocols of gossip. That was Andy Cohen‘s thesis at Reality U. 

amber confronts bobby about nicole

Amber screams at Bobby that his girlfriend is crazy then Jim confronts him about Nicole’s hair-trigger temper. Teresssa’s husband Rino picks this moment to storm in and inform Juicy and Poison that Jim was telling everyone he doesn’t want to hang out with defrauders.  

Amber is annoyed that Melissa betrayed her confidence to repeat gossip about Nicole. And Jim is pissed that Bobby told everyone the truth about why he’s avoiding the Giudices. Here’s the thing: Amber and Jim said those things on camera. Presumably, since they produce such fabulous commercials, they understand how the video camera works. It records things, and plays them back, thus capturing what was said. So if something was truly confidential they wouldn’t have said it while the Bravo camera-y-thingies had the blinking red ‘record’ lights on and were pointed straight at them as they wore microphones. Maybe Amber thought the mic pack was an intravenous drip of blusher and bronzer?

Jim feigns innocence to Rino’s accusation, but Poison demands Jim admit the truth. Juicy stares at the countertop and wonders if it’s the same fake marble his BIL uses in his custom builds. Jim whispers into Poison’s hair that he works with the prosecutor who is prosecuting Juicy and that he investigates mortgage fraud. 

joe gorga and jim get into it.

See, Jim is not a lawyer but he passed the BAR, and he’s not a prosecutor but he does prosecute, and he’s not a FED but he investigates fraud, and he’s not a writer but he’s written 3 books, and he’s not a gangster but he sure as hell acts like a thug, and he’s not arrogant but he stomps around like he’s Kim D and the world is his Posche, and he’s not an actor but his commercials have been nominated for Razzie Awards. If you catch my drift, Jim is a big, old phony trying to pretend he not only runs with the big boys, but is the big boys. And Poison doesn’t take too kindly to his type, so he chases after Jim and starts an argument with him that will play out next week. Let’s hope Teresa’s able to contact the first responsers by then – I mean she is a nurse after all!  

Also, I so hope Amber puts that wad of hair in a faux designer bag and brings it to the reunion with her! #DanielleStaub Except Andy has henceforth outlawed props… 

[Photo Credits: BravoTV]