Last night on Real Housewives Of New Jersey everyone’s favorite lawless Housewife plead guilty to 4 counts of federal fraud.
After praying to God, Teresa Giudice put on her best purple fur coat, forced husband Joe to color-coordinate in a show of solidarity and admitted that you know, maaaaaaaybe, ok posssssssilby, well actually definitely she bought too many sequined bikinis with money illegally obtained. But it’s like Oops – lots of people do this – lots of people commit mortgage fraud so they can have big fancy re-done house showy-offy parties for houses they can’t afford, so why is this happening to her?! WHY?! Why is the government making Gia cry by demanding her parents go to court and possibly jail. Like UGH. But Teresa being Teresa, she just buries her head in a vat of sequins and covers her eyes with her hairline, and drinks another glass of Fabellini.
With all of that said and done, Melissa Gorga and Dina Manzo feel sorry for Teresa that she’s under so much stress so they decide to plan a vacation to Florida. Like hey, you broke the law – let’s celebrate!
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Things begin with Teresa pretending this whole law breaky thing never happened as she’s in the kitchen cooking with SheHulkette, aka Milania. Milania ate an onion and threatened to throw a water cooler, a Gabriella, and several pieces of rhinestone encrusted cookwear but then Teresa got a phone call from Amber Marchese so Milania escaped into the wilderness. Teresa sent Audriana to track her down using a dog carrier stuffed with pizza, and then she put the phone on speaker right in front of Gia.
Amber called in tears (she’s so empathetic and compassionate, like a Mother Theresa in drag makeup!) because she had just read the world’s most reputable and illustrious authority on celebrity activities: Radar Online, and learned that Teresa and Joe had taken a plea deal which would give Teresa probation and Juicy five long years of Teresa-free peace and freedom “away”.
Amber is bawling the fakest tears ever! #GoBackToActingSchool because she knows what it’s like to have your life shattered, I mean of course Teresa’s situation isn’t as bad as THE CANCER which is literally a death sentence, but being forced into a jail cell removed from haircare products and Fabellini is pretty darn awful, right?! Even Gia is confused about why Amber, someone they’ve known approximately 6 seconds whose husband won’t even associate with the Giudices, is bawling over a tabloid story. Teresa is like that’s not true, gotta go! She complains that Amber asks too many questions. And furthermore Amber shouldn’t worry unless she reads it in People. Not calling Teresa in tears: Melissa, but that’s because Melissa knows how to deal with Teresa, act equally clueless and invite her on vacation.
Melissa takes Dina to her gym. Dina doesn’t want to workout because things that make her boobies jiggle isn’t very zen. She wants to host a Project Ladybuy event and invite all the girls but she’s concerned they’ll act like asses and ruin the event. No…. Amber and the twins? Never! Then Melissa and Teresa go over to Dina’s to help her shovel snow… sponsored by Fabellini.
Across town, the twins are also shoveling snow. Fortified by Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, lifeblood of these idiots (Seriously DD is gonna pay these two stop using their name on TV). Bobby shows up because his pretend girlfriend needs some attention every time there’s a Bravo camera, and reveals Amber and Jim have been texting him. Nicole Napolitano freaks out. Since Amber has a vajayjay not a penis, she has NO BUSINESS texting Bobby about anything. According to the laws of feminism: vajayjays and peni can’t talk. But when Jim took over texting Bobby, he was acting like a girl. Nicole launches into a tirade about how Amber is trying to destroy her relationship after they made up. Did I mention that Nicole had NO IDEA what Amber was even trying to call Bobby about?
The ladies all meet at Dina’s to plan the Project Ladybug fashion show. And this meeting was sponsored by… Fabellini. Nicole and Teresssssssssa Aprea are decked out like it’s The Plaza, while the other girls are in jeans and Uggs. Even Amber, although she was wearing a crochet poncho from Forever XL1 – just no.
While Amber and the twins pretend everything is fine and Dina pretends she’s actually gonna use any of these nitwit’s suggestions for a charity event, she marvels that everyone is actually not trying to kill each other. Then she invites everyone on the Florida trip and the twins reluctantly agree to go despite Amber’s inclusion.
Just as Dina thinks things are going swell, Amber hauls Teresa across the room to discuss WHAT VICTORIA SAID in a really loud whisper. Teresa, however, has no intention of repeating what Victoria told them because like she likes Teressssssa and Rino – and really has bigger things to worry about like whose gonna take care of SheHulkette if she goes to the slammer!
It’s immediately suspicious that Amber and Teresa are literally 10 feet away talking about how Teresssssa’s life could be ruined, especially since Teresa keeps trying to end the conversation but Amber rambles on and on about how she’s not gonna bring it up to anyone. Foreshadowing: Agents of Doom Housewives Edition. Doesn’t Amber remember this is a meeting about kids with The CANCER – time and place, doll, time and place!
Nicole assumes they’re tawking about her and she wants to water board Amber with Dunkin’ Donuts iced cawfee but that would waste the precious nectar, so she snippily insists things are fine with Amber, despite those texts to Bobby… When Amber and Teresa return to the group Nicole and Teresssssssa put Teresa on the spot about their conversation topic. Amber insists it was a personal matter they were discussing. A personal matter about who is gonna destroy Teressssssssa’s reputation. All signs point to Amber, Teresa is tryin’a look gooder this season and she’s only interested in destroying Meliss!
Then Teresa pleads guilty and everyone reacts by pretending to be surprised. I guess they were surprised Teresa admitted to doing anything wrong.
TELL US – WAS AMBER OUT OF LINE CALLING TERESA IN TEARS? WAS SHE OUT OF LINE BRINGING UP VICTORIA’S GOSSIP AT DINA’S CHARITY PLANNING PARTY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]