Last night the Real Houewives Of New Jersey reunion and these girls came prepared to bring their solid gold-plated fambly drama. Really – is there any person on RHONJ that doesn’t have some seriously intense and Lifetime Movie family issues that should not be meta-solved on reality TV? It’s looking like Amber Marchese is the only one, but then again, she has The Jim so maybe not!
But last night all the drama centered around the two famblies that put the thieves in Thick As Theives but certainly not the thick (Lapband as thieves doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?!): the Manzos and the Gorgadices.
Teresa Giudice is headed to prison and she’s still living in a delusional world cause she is a delusional girl. She and Melissa Gorga have a little tension-y about whether or Melissa texes Teresa or called her after she got her sentence. Glad in this terrible time Teresa can still focus on the important things like pettiness! And Dina Manzo, bless her heart, she’ll defend Tre to the bitter end because like duh – murderers aren’t going to prison but “good girls” like Teresa are. Do good girls steal from banks? Does Dina have a different dicktionary than I do? “Good: a person who is like nice-ish and only occasionally like breakes the lawr but who makes really good spaghettis from ingredientzes that are zenny and who defenses me against my horrible sister-in-law.” Dina is a caring friend, but good friends don’t let friends be totally f–king delusional!
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Andy jumps right in by asking Dina about returning to RHONJ. She’s brought the zen, well at least the Pier One Imports, hairless designer cat mcmansion version of Zen sold by Dr. Moon in a luxury suburban strip mall, bought by a succession of Lexus SUV driving upper middle class white ladies who get their botox at the medispa next door! Apparently Dina on some sort of spiritual cleanse as well, and she’s clutching a little one-legged, three-tailed power kitty talisman under the folds of her gown as she breaks her silence for the first time on the harrowing experience of being related in any proximity to the wine-soaked twitter vortex of emotional instability and hysteria that is Jacqueline Laurita. Girl, I feel you – I can’t handle her even from a distance of a thousand iPhones. Hell, I can’t even handle being on the same cell network as Jacqueline lest she contaminate me and turn me into a twitterholic (they do not know how twitteritis spreads you guys! Protect yourselves!).
“Reality TV is not a healthy environment for family,” Dina says adding that it’s easier for her to “love from a distance” where her sister Caroline Manzo and that crazy woman her brother married after a drunken night in Vegas are concerned. We see a flashback of Jacqueline from season 1 – it’s nice to be reminded that she was always completely nuts and unstable. Dina has no interest in reconciling with Jacqueline – cannot say I blame her because Jacqueline has no interest in getting off the twitter, the wine, or the attention-seeking. Dina does want to reconcile with Caroline – and do a cooking show of not really Italian meatballs. And sliced ham from zen piggies raised on sparkly love nuggets and peaceful harmonies. “I love my sister,” Dina insists. “I’m just taking a break.” She believes that if they see each other everything will sort out and magically be fine! That’s some Teresa-level delusion right there: “Everything’s FiIIIIIIINNNNNE!”
“I love my brother, I love my sister,” Dina explains, “There are certain people I just cannot have an exchange with. It’s always toxic.” Jacqueline toxic?! No… Dina is not threatened or afraid of Jacqueline claiming she will reveal that so-called truth about Dina. Dina says she never tried to block anyone from filming with Jacqueline, she just didn’t want them talking about her family issues with Jacqueline and she herself refused to film with her because she did refuses to let what happened between the Gorgadices happen in her family. Amen! “Right now, I don’t want to make a relationship with Jacqueline,” Dina states.
Dina implies that even in season one, behind-the-scenes Jacqueline was manipulating Danielle and causing a lot of friction from both sides. Jacqueline, do something like that?! NO…..Basically this, Dina wants a relationship with Caroline and Chris, but Jacqueline is a package deal. And Dina is not willing to have a relationship with Jacqueline who won’t change her ways or stop with the drama. And Caroline seems like she is keeping Jac around for reality TV purposes.
Chris reached out during to Dina after separation and they were going to meet, but Jacqueline demanded she come along. Same thing with Lexi’s graduation party – Dina invited everyone but no one came. Jacqueline told Lexi she might come if Dina would meet with her and Chris first. Lexi was not invited to Lauren Manzo‘s engagement party and is very hurt to be left out of family functions. I wonder if Tommy is included? I imagine yes? Chris is Lexi’s godfather and they have no relationship as of now. I think Jacqueline is impossible to deal with so I don’t blame Dina for wanting distance. I do feel badly for Lexi that she is the unfortunate victim in this nonsense.
Andy asks Dina about Nicholas. Dina prays for him but doesn’t know him. I’m not going to discuss this for 2 reasons 1) Nicholas is innocent and I don’t like that he is constantly trotted out for a storyline 2) I don’t understand Dina’s statement but I do not think it was meant to come across maliciously.
Teresa blames RHONJ for making her family issues worse – can’t disagree with her there! Teresa maintains she never hits below the belt. The collective world bursts into laughter. Teresssa Aprea (and those travesty boobs that need an episode of Botched!) try to turn this into an argument about how Teresa is to blame for her mother f–ker storyline (HUH?! WTF?!) but Melissa leaps in for some attention. Melissa, who I forgot was even on this show and is the new Wallpaper, pipes up that Teresa has hit her below the belt many times while she has just stood there wearing her cubic zirconia halo and being the sweetest thing since ladybugs in angel wings giving out chocolate. Melissa – SHUT. UP. with the holier than thou victim act. YOU have hit below the belt countless times too! And your halo is covered with poison and probably a future of being foreclosed on.
Teresssa implies that Teresa’s MO is to hurt people. “I’ve never hurt Jacqueline,” Teresa snaps. And you know, kinda true – Jacqueline was the one who did a lot of shit to Teresa which as the RHONJ anthropologist I am I’ve seen little evidence of retaliation.
We take some time to acknowledge Amber’s presence. Nicole Napolitano mocks Amber for saying “The Cancer”. Amber – you survived The Cancer and you can call it The Cancer if you want to! Nicole accuses Amber of having a nose job – if she did she needs a refund. For that, and her blush! Then everyone talks about The Jim, aka Dr. Jerkyl and Mr. Lies. But Jim, the disaster on social media that he is, he brought the drama! Both twins imply he is emotionally or verbally abusing Amber, she denies it and Andy sits there silently. Of course.
Then it’s time for Kathy Wakile and Rosie to come out. Teresa is furious they discussed her legal issues on camera for a storyline – and she’s mad that she was given the dictionary as a “joke.” In return Teresa gave everyone vibrators which she claims were freebies from a book signing at a bridal expo. I think Teresa is a secret Bedroom Kandi fan! Look – everyone of RHONJ needs that dictionary, or Bravo needs to just write a RHONJ Dick-tionary so we can understand WTF they are tawkin’ about.
A clip is shown of their mother discussing Teresa’s legal issues, so Teresa hikes up her gorgeous gown and walks off stage to hide in the bathroom. Was she hanging out with Bawby?! Surprisingly in the bathroom Teresa is well-spoken and uses “inappropriate” correctly?! Teresa also finds a penny on the floor and, for the first time ever, counts them. Maybe SHE has learned! #BudgetByBravo!
Kathy insists her mother wasn’t judging Teresa; that they’ve all been hurt and affected by the sentencing. Here’s what I think: Instead of talking about Teresa’s legal issues for a RHONJ storyline on camera, they should be talking TO Teresa and Joe off-camera and acting like a family. They’re putting fame before family, yet again. Teresa is totally and wholly responsible for her actions, but her cousins filming with Jacqueline and talking ’bout Teresa, her legal problems, and sentencing was gross.
Kathy says her friendship with Jacqueline has nothing to do with Teresa, except the only thing we see Kathy and Rosie talking about with Jacqueline is Teresa so, yes your friendship does have something to do with her. Andy points out that Jacqueline has been busy thinking about Teresa… for a storyline. And tweeting. And Teresa has been busy ignoring texes and reality. You know, nothing’s changed! Teresa says she doesn’t miss Jacqueline but I don’t believe her.
Teresa returns to the stage one cent richer (until creditors seize it!) and says she asked her family not to talk about her legal issues on the show. Kathy claims they didn’t, but as Teresa points out “They just showed it!”
“I don’t care about the show – this is my family, they should respect me,” Teresa adds. Teresa seems more angry with Kathy than Rosie, but she refuses to speak about it further. Dang – this is a different Teresa. Melissa pipes up that RHONJ is about “mending families” BWHAHAHAHAHHA. Pointing out that Dina needs to talk with Caroline.
Dina is just about call Melissa out on coming on RHONJ to take down Teresa. “Melissa, you would not have a come on this show if…” Dina says before stopping herself. “Your relationship [with Teresa] was not OK when you signed on,” Dina elaborates, while Melissa insists that it was. Oh, the lies of Melissa Gorga. Rivaling only the lies of Teresa Giudice!
Teresa, Rosie and Dina all complain about how social media has added to the problems because instead of talking to each other they are tweeting about each other. Teresa and Dina are most hurt by how their elderly parents were affected by the televised family feuding.
Then the husbands come out and Joe expresses his love for Teresa – and that’s it! Until Thursday when the second part airs.
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF DINA’S REVEAL ABOUT HER FAMILY ISSUES? WAS TERESA RIGHT TO LEAVE THE STAGE TO AVOID FAMILY DRAMA WITH KATHY & ROSIE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo TV]