She By SheBroke has re-branded herself as a “fitness coach,” – finally – but cannot recover from the heartbreak of Bob Whitfield‘s missing seven-figures, so she’s never moved on after their divorce. Instead Sheree hardened her exterior shell, along with her heart, and Patti dubs her a “crockpot woman,” because she’s so slow to warm up.
Nonetheless Sheree is relying on Patti to help her find that “instant connection.” The butterflies, the tingles, which Sheree says she’s never had. You mean Bob never gave her tingles?! No… “When I love, I love hard,” promises Sheree. And when she divorces, she divorces hard too… In fact, Sheree might as well come with a disclaimer: Court is my extracurricular activity! Paying bills… that’s your job!
Sadly, Sheree never even gets to the love stage, because she slams the door shut before anyone can peek inside.
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Patti takes the former Real Housewives Of Atlanta star to a crystal store so they can analyze Sheree’s energy. All the crystals turn black, the color of Sheree’s used and abused heart, then shatter into a million pieces. Sheree and Patti discuss how her lifestyle is changing because soon she’ll be an “empty nester,” which implies she had a nest to begin with. #ChateauSheree #ChateauNoWay
Patti asks Sheree to choose the crystal which most represents her relationship to Bob. Appropriately, Sheree selects a murky brown one that looks a turd. It’s been 7 years since Sheree has had a relationship but she’s finally ready to let go of her “negative past” and move forward. When crystals don’t work, Patti tries a psychic.
“She needs a lot of work. She’s definitely a woman that men are attracted to, but if she doesn’t let in love she’s gonna be the old woman in the shoe with 20 cats,” worries Patti. Considering Sheree spent all her money on shopping, that’s probably accurate.
Patti rehashes Sheree’s Housewives shenanigans namely the “Who gon’ check me boo?!” altercation (aka – the greatest moment in Bravo history!). Patti wonders if that scared men away causing them to check-out before Sheree cashed all their checks and checkmated their reputation. “That’s possible,” Sheree considers. Do real men watch Real Housewives? If so, call me – I want your perspective.
As for what Sheree is looking for: no NFL-ers – their contracts aren’t guaranteed! She wants a mature, responsible businessman (unlike herself). A professional. Dr. Tiy-E?! Unfortunately, the businessmen are not interested in She By SheMightSueYouBooBoo.
Sheree wants an active man, who is clean-cut, over 40, likes to travel, with no young children. Patti advises her to be open-minded at the mixer and ask the men where they see themselves in 5 years. “Maybe she’s the problem?” Patti begins to wonder. “There is a vacancy at Chateau Sheree,” Sheree insists. (aka, it’s vacant.)
Patti looks for guys with “Atlanta roots,” who are wiling to fly back-and-forth. Why not men who LIVE in Atlanta? Maybe distance from Sheree makes the heart grow fonder, although I am sure Bob would disagree!
Speaking of no athletes, Patti’s other fixer-upper is professional tennis player Sam Querry. He is as bland vanilla as the two Jonas brothers who aren’t Joe. Sam’s tennis career interferes with his dating life, due to the travel. He is looking for a future wife and wants someone fun and energetic with family values, who is outdoorsy, but girly. Basically, call Taylor Swift, she might be single – and hey he may get some royalties out of the deal when she writes a song about how he dumps her!
Patti decides to recruit by having potential daters bring in a “show & tell” object to describe themselves. The mixer will take place on a boat. “Sheree is looking for an elegant ‘Kobe’ – I think solid, romantic guys will definitely speed up the oven timer,” predicts Patti. Patti also predicts, “Sheree might kill me!”
The three potentials are:
Terry, a film/TV producer who brought a blanket. He understands Sheree’s transient lifestyle! Terry has a 23-year-old, believes in monogamy, and used to live in Atlanta.
Derrick, an architect. Two birds with one stone: Patti can fix up Sheree AND Chateau Sheree.
Rasheed, a TV producer for a television station, who is Jamaican, and loves his vino, but is classy and well-traveled.
“Sheree needs to be open to the guys; to practice give and take,” instructs Patti. Unfortunately Sheree is a cold fish at the mixer and starts rapid-firing questions. Patti has to coach Sheree through the process by whispering in her ear. Derrick strikes out by asking Sheree her age.
Rasheed tells Sheree in five-years he wants to have a little chateau… weh-ehh-ellllll… what have we here! Synchronicity. I think in 5-years She By SheBroke hopes to have a chateau as well, albeit in Atlanta, not France.
Terry and Sheree seem to connect immediately and she actually relaxed. Terry develops television shows, so perhaps another reality show in Sheree’s future! It’s no surprise that Terry wins Sheree’s Master Date.
Tennis player Sam, the other of Patti’s victims, ends up on a date with a ballerina who brags about how maternal she is and likes to cook. They have a great date and are still dating. He dubs her “marriage material.”
Sheree on the other hand… victory is not had. Victimhood is taken.
Terry wears a sweater purchased from Cliff Huxtable’s yardsale, but brings flowers, and Sheree wears Hammer pants. Together they make one complete Denise Huxtable outfit.
Sheree learns Terry ended an on-again/off-again relationship six months ago, which angers her. “I don’t play seconds,” she snips, threatening him with a paintbrush to the throat and eagle-eying the value of his Rolex.
After painting and wine, it’s dinner, where Sheree dresses like a dominatrix, and grills Terry about whether or not he’s still in touch with his ex. “I don’t see her; we don’t talk” assures Terry, cupping the breadbasket over his nuts. “Are you still sleeping together?” demands a disbelieving Sheree. Sheree then insists he make her laugh because he’s “too serious.”
“I didn’t get butterflies. I think you have to go on several dates to get to know the real person,” Sheree recounts. Terry lies to Patti about their “great conversation.” He considers a second date, then changes his number pronto. PTSD By Bravo!
Patti lectures Sheree, and her new ombre-bob, about self-sabotaging by bringing up the ex. “Oops,” dismisses Sheree, flippantly. Patti accuses Sheree of looking for flaws. “He doesn’t know where he stands with you,” Patti suggests. “Give him a chance!”
Sheree wants to be doted on, adored, wooed, but doesn’t want to give in return. Fearing that Sheree will let another good man go, Patti encourages her, “Tell him what you want – you want a courtship! If he steps the f–k up, you’ve found good candidate.” Patti gave Sheree homework to reach out to Terry, which Sheree did not complete. They never had a second date.
Sheree sued Patti for malpractice and malfeasance and had her attorney bills sent to Andy Cohen. She is currently taking Bob back to court for divorcing her in the first place. (I made this last part up – I have no idea if Sheree is suing Patti, but she is suing Terry for not opening her heart or his wallet because he did not properly dispose of his ex at least 2 years before meeting Sheree, and therefore went into this date a lying cheater).
TELL US – WILL SHEREE EVER FIND LOVE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]