So last night on Real Housewives Of New York the unexpected happened: Sonja Morgan had a product that actually appeared and Ramona Singer was up to something fishy with Mario (and a date and a sports bar), but then the predictable happened: Bethenny Frankel cried and Luann de Lesseps and Ramona outed themselves as bad friends. Oh, I also now fully believe Carole Radziwill is cosplaying alllllllll the Sex And The City characters just to f–k with us.
Things begin with another birthday – this time the birthday belongs to Dorinda Medley, who is turning 50. She wants to celebrate by returning Ramona to a place of torment and doom: The BERKSHIRES. Ramona gets the sniffles and can’t breathe. She fans herself. Her thumbs twitch as she texts her friend with the private plane to be on retainer. Just kidding – Ramona actually has a cold, but that’s not gonna stop her from going on a date. Ramona’s tissues bring all the boys to the yard! And they’re like her germs are better than mine!
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Of course, there are other pressing issues: Dorinda has John (whom no one likes but Anna Wintour and Madonna) and Ramona has Mario whom is begging her for another chance because he wants to put his family back together again. Ramona is considering it… for Avery, but now she’s off to date. SNEEEEEEEEZE!
Not even attempting to move on is Bethenny, whose homelessness has progressed to living on Dr. Amador‘s couch. Couch surfing, the Louboutin Years.
Bethenny is upset about her childhood and Snooooore Omg – I’m asleep. I’m going to sleep! I’m sleeping! ZZZZZZZZ <head on hands, eyes closed> Yawn. Is Bethenny still talking about her childhood? ZZZZZZ I’m asleep.
Carole is now channeling Samantha Jones from that time she ran for her apartment co-op board. Carole has assembled a FULL ELECTION TEAM – rivaling only Team Sonja in both delusion and unnecessary berth – including a campaign strategist, political analysts, and Ramona. Who points out that Carole’s skirt is crooked and wonders how she’ll find the time to co-op board in between spinning records and pretending to be Carrie Bradshaw.
Carole worries she might lose over #DoorGate, an unfortunate incident where she got locked out at 3am and had to call the fire department to let her in. She paid for the door repair, but the building tried to charge her more. And then when Carole announced her run, an eleventh hour opponent appeared – someone who no longer even lives in the building no less! Ramona predicts #DoorGate = #Goodbye. Don’t let it hit you on the way out.
While Carole is plotting her run for city council on the ‘I Care About Your Young Adults’ ticket, Sonja is gracing the cover of Latino Show Magazine, despite the fact that she is not Latino and no one has ever heard of such publication. Bethenny wonders if it’s actually a dog magazine. According to Sonja, Latino Show is “luxury, international lifestyle” magazine and since she is Sonja Morgan, luxury international lifestyle incarnate, naturally she was a perfect fit!
If Penthouse told Sonja they were a luxury international lifestyle magazine and she would em-body that cover without a second thought! Maybe Sonja does have a large Latino following (the young men from the New School studying interactional affairs surely, counts right, I mean they follow her about the Upper East Side, right?!).
But really who cares: Sonja looks fabulous, the photos are gorgeous, and all of Team Sonja represented – even her dentist – but most importantly Sonja is wearing a gown at the party, and on the cover, from her very own fashion line. No one can get over the vision of what they are actually seeing: Is it a mirage? Are they hallucinating? Did the Ramona Pinot ferment too long? Is this Sonja gown an apparition? Are they just imagining Sonja wearing a gown from her collection, when she’s really just repurposed one of the robes from the Team Sonja gynecologist into evening attire? Or hell, maybe they never woke up from hearing Bethenny complain about her childhood and this nightmare has truly spiraled out of control.
Kristen Taekman is sold! She apologizes to Sonja for being an unbeliever and congratulates her businesses for coming out of the shadows and into the microscopic red carpet in a third-floor Chelsea walk-up, where this party is being held. Now if only Kristen would start believing in the power of Swami priestesses everything would be better. Of course, for Kristen there are ulterior motives – if Sonja’s fashion business can become a real-live dress, then so can Kristen’s! And with that she starts an ardent campaign to procure interns, a Team Kristen nail tech, and an eBoost cross-promoter professional swizzle-stick-maestro-er.
Heather Thomson is more of a realist. As she decrees, “One dress does not a fashion collection, make” and decides to get to the bottom of this by confronting Sonja and the members of Team Sonja: Fashion Division about the strategy for the collection. Like where is it going to be sold? Heather assumes Kmart. Sonja faints on the spot, revived with some decades-old Chanel smelling salts retained in her marital trove, guarded by no less than 2 interns and brought to events such as these in a fine crystal-leaded bottle, whose dust only adds to the antique patina. In short: Team Sonja does not do Kmart.
In stranger things happening, Ramona is now the proud owner of a sports bar that serves excellent salmon and she is also bringing said excellent salmon to Mario! Yes, something fishy is definitely going on between Ramona and Mario – and it ain’t the salmon!
Carole hosts an election party where the only appetizers are 3-year-old Trader Joes frozen pigs-in-a-blanket which she found in her freezer. In the effort of transparency, which is the platform Carole is running on, she informs all the ladies they are eating possibly rancid, definitely freezer-burned, hors-d’oeuvre. Bethenny is unbothered – “I freeze everything!” she quips. We’ve noticed.
Bethenny arrives with a massive Skinnygirl gift basket (she does know you’re supposed to bring actual gifts to the hostess?) As payback, Bethenny endures an awkward encounter with the Thomson Inquisition – and is bombarded with questions about her custody arrangement. Heather wants to connect with Bethenny – she should have asked her about being raised by wolves – we all know Bethenny will talk about that all the way into Season 20 of RHONY!
Bethenny is so miffed by encounter with Heather’s “personal” questions, she consumes 3 slightly thawed pigs in moldy blankets, then scuttles out the door in an icy huff. She blames the pigs. Luann is surprised to see Bethenny disappear so quickly – Bethenny was supposed to be making more of an effort with the ladies, per her instructions. Oh well!
It turns out Bethenny’s efforts have extended to calling Dorinda to decline her invitation to her birthday weekend in the Berkshires because it’s her weekend with Bryn. Dorinda is unfazed, which Bethenny respects – broad-to-broad.
In happier news Carole won and gets to work planning her inaugural ball, which will hopefully contain slightly newer refreshments.
Then Carole skips across town to meet Bethenny at CB2 or West Elm, or some other place they are both too mature and too wealthy to be shopping at, because in another “so 2000 and late” recycled storyline, Bethenny is shopping for furniture for an apartment she’s renovating. This time, however, Bethenny dissolved into tears on a cheap sofa and bawled about her life being so tragic, and everything being such a mess she can’t discuss, and how she loves Bryn so much but Jason took her away.
Carole is like um…. I don’t do hugs. I’m not very nurturing, unless you’re a 20-something boy, but I can get you a cloth napkin from that display over there and tell you about how I might actually install a usable kitchen for my boyfriend, cause we’re in loooove! And Bethenny dries her eyes, and worries about being embarrassing, and then they giggle and promise to hug… some day. OK, I snark, but it was a cute bonding scene and I really liked it.
However, just a tip, Bethenny – West Elm won’t give you a discount for crying. I know, I’ve tried.
Luann hosts a dinner party to celebrate Dorinda’s birthday but it turns into a disaster of Ramona-tized proportions. It all started out well with fine caviar, fine champagne, and Ramona looking fabulous because she finally stopped wearing satin cocktail dresses. Ramona even brought a date! All is going well until Dorinda’s man steps out to use the restroom, for what seriously seemed to be 5 hours.
In that span of time, Luann makes a toast, and Heather praises Ramona’s metamorphosis. Instead of accepting the compliment, Ramona gets crazy eyes and insists she’s always been exactly. like. this. But Luann and Heather have walls up which made Ramona hide her true self – Turtle Time for realz yo – unlike Dorinda who has always accepted and loved Ramona for being Ramona.
Luann comments about Ramona retreating back into her shell of old Ramona – and for someone who loves Dorinda so much she shouldn’t be trash-talking her relationship.
Ramona repays the favor by accusing Luann of being the one who actually made the hurtful comments, and they argue about who is lying about the blame. Luann is disgusted because she confided in Ramona, and furthermore Ramona is leaving out the crucial part of the story – she also said mean things about Dorinda’s boyfriend, in fact she started said conversation! Dorinda chugs some champagne to hide her tears with Ramona slobbering on her lap and whispering in her ear that Luann is a horrible friend. Happy Birthday Dorinda! as a present you got the revelation that Lu and Ro are reallyreallyreally bad friends!
When John [finally] returns to the table he tries to speak and Luann effectively cuts him off by telling him not to get involved. And that’s the new Luann we know and love, the one with balls who isn’t going to pander to outdated etiquette tomes – or Ramona. Still, poor Dorinda! Who cares who she dates. And speaking of dates, I seriously doubt after that scene Ramona’s will be asking her on a second date. He probably was halfway to Beautique by the time Ramona noticed he had fled.
TELL US – WHO IS A WORSE FRIEND: RAMONA OR LUANN?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]