When Snapped meets Real Housewives Of New York insanity (and hilarity) ensue. In what has become my favorite episode like ever, last night was the perfect genesis of drama (and melodrama) meets fun and friendship. Keep it comin’ Bravo.
The ladies are all Scary Island 2.0, but this time it’s Sonja Morgan having a total break from reality (gummy bears optional). After Sonja and Bethenny Frankel went head-to-head over whose head was more screwed up, the ladies chowed some lobster and went to bed. Drama makes a mama cranky and sleepy. Rather, it makes most people cranky and sleepy – it gives Bethenny and Ramona Singer a crackling energy.
They stay up discussing the Sonja-sodes (the Sonja Episodes) and Ramona confesses to being worried about her bestie. Both agree Sonja is turning to alcohol to cope with loneliness – something ironically they can relate to. This spirals into a truly touching conversation where Ramona opens up to Bethenny about her divorce from Mario.
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Ramona feels lost without her “other half” and dissolves, sobbing, into Bethenny’s arms. Since Bethenny isn’t a hugger, Ramona better savor that shit for years. I hope she cut off a little piece of Bethenny’s maxi dress to store in her RHONY memory scrapbook. Especially since next week Bethenny and Ramona will be scrapping with each other.
The next morning cawfee is barely served when a hot yoga instructor arrives. Unfortunately only Carole Radziwill and her itsy bitsy sheer-ruffly green polka dot bikini, Bethenny, and Luann de Lesseps participate. Sonja is too busy with her life coach, aka Dorinda Medley.
Sonja barges in to Dorinda’s room to express her frustration over being everyone’s focus all of the time – she just wants to have a drink, have fun, and enjoy life without everyone judging her and telling her how she’s failing at this and that. Dorinda, rightfully, explains to Sonja that happens because she allows it! Dorinda encourages her to set boundaries and shut the chatter down. Sonja is hurt Bethenny told her to “shut the f–k up” because that’s not how a friend talks, that’s how an uneducated gutter mouth from the wrong side of the race track barks. Dorinda tells Sonja to stand up for herself. Unfortunately Sonja is yelling about this at full volume, in front of an open window, which looks directly onto the terrace where the yoga was occurring, so Bethenny heard the whole thing…
Rule No 1 when talking about people: make sure they can’t hear. So, Bethenny comes upstairs to confront Sonja, and Sonja starts yelling and doesn’t stop for 40 days and 40 nights – except to have a drink. Ketel One, anyone?
Just when I hoped we’d never be faced with another sighting of Ramona in a pinot-piss yellow bikini (or macramé), she rolled out the hot pink version to strut around stirring up trouble. Ramona is essentially a living swizzle stick. She dumps a bunch of crap in a glass, over ice, gives it a whirl, then tosses it out when it tastes yucky. Unfortunately if those things happen to be the truth, your reputation, or your dignity – you’re more f–ked than a boytoy on Team Sonja.
It all began with Ramona’s morning-after twisting of her conversation with Bethenny and she told Sonja that Bethenny called her an alcoholic. Sonja is furious! Ramona insists that she has never said or thought such things, although she has been concerned about Sonja’s partying. Unfortunately, again, Bethenny is within hearing distance and immediately comes over to defend herself and call out Ramona for saying the exact same thing but naturally isn’t taking responsibility.
As these three are yelling at each other on a beautiful beach, Luann bustles over with Eggs A La Francaise (aka eggs separated then scrambled). Luann is always offering food to break up a fight – last season it was pie, this season it’s eggs. Hey – break an egg, don’t break a friendship, right!
In between bites, Sonja is screaming at Bethenny for judging her and talking about her behind her back. Sonja is tired of being the subject of everyone’s conversation. Bethenny blames Ramona for starting shit. Luann tries to tell Sonja that they’re all concerned about her drinking, but Sonja insists she only parties with them and they all get too drunk at a party.
Heather Thomson, sensing conflict and something for which she must insert an opinion, scurries over in her “Paradise” T-shirt. She chases Sonja down the beach and back to the house while Sonja continues yelling about judgmental bitches. Of course Bethenny is hot on their tail. And this is how Bethenny and Heather formed a friendship – The Micromanagers they should call themselves – they bonded over henpecking Sonja over how she needs their help. Two peas in a pod have found each other a soulmate. Carole is the aw, shucks mellow Ernie to their uptight and bossy Berts. Can you tell me how to get to control freak street?
Sonja is on fire and heating up, so she rips off her swimsuit cover-up and continues unloading on the girls. Dorinda tries to cool her down, but all the other ladies are united against Sonja and the argument continuously reignites. Kristen Taekman was off sunning herself or talking to the birds and the fishies in the ocean about how pretty they are. Bethenny, who previously believed she really got through to Sonja with their ‘You have a drinking problem so shut the f–k up!’ come to Big Momma moment, is shocked to learn that Sonja tuned her out. Bethenny thinks Sonja is frustrated because she’s under attack. But Sonja, exceptional seer of the truth, begs to differ. “I’m not under attack, I’m attacking you bitches!” she shrieks before stomping off.
Bethenny blames Ramona for the selling her out and not being honest, but Ramona simply shrugs and waddles off to find Sonja while making sure her thigh gap is still evident.
While Sonja is upstairs ranting to Ramona, Bethenny decrees that from now on Sonja and her mental health are not their issues. They decide that whomever talks about Sonja’s issues has to donate a $100 to charity. Heather has to have the last word so she’s out $200 before she stops herself, which is a real shame because she mumbled something about someone having a three-way and I want to hear more!
The ladies are spending the afternoon on the yacht Sonja co-owns with P. Diddy, but Sonja is furious and instead stays home to work-out in Carole’s stripper heels. Working out for what exactly – Caburlesque?
On the yacht it’s all fun and funniness. Luann doesn’t put on an underwear because she’s just gonna wear a bikini and Kristen accidentally snatches a look at her snatch. Which is prettttty – bald! Luann calls Ramona out for stirring up drama with Sonja, so Ramona turns on “The Apologizer” and sits in Luann’s lap, nuzzling her. Luann decides Pinot needs a spanking. Bethenny marvels at Ramona’s ability to sweet-talk her way out of anything.
Then Luann, carefree as Carole’s man is young, jumps off the side of the yacht – it’s all laughter and love. This was so fun to watch – I loved it! Bethenny and Kristen even managed to connect during a quiet moment alone to reflect on why Bethenny is like the Fort Knox of emotional resistance. (She wants attention/ no she doesn’t want attention!) Ramona spent the entire day protecting her hair – even wearing one of those hats with the holes at the top to pull your hair through. Holy 95-year-old Rose Nylund!
While Ramona is on the lower deck of the yacht, Kristen comes up with ingenious idea to dump water on her head and all the ladies band together in a conspiracy to overthrow Ramona’s hair. Carole distracts Pinot while the girls gather ice buckets and launch.
Sometimes Kristen has her uses… like her never-ending ability to f–k up Ramona Singer‘s hair. And Ramona takes it like a champ and then, out of revenge, snuggles up to Kristen uncomfortably close. Good thing Ramona brought her flowbee!
Back at the house, Bethenny and Heather continue bonding with a massage as they scoff over the idea that they ever disliked each other. Then the girls head to dinner. Luann and Ramona are wearing necklaces with spilled glasses of wine – one red, one white. It was utterly perfect – the Real Housewives incarnation of a BFF broken heart necklace from elementary school. And what a statement necklace it is! Disappointingly Ramona paired her necklace with yet another macrame dress – they are breeding right, like bacteria, from her never washing her hair? Where is she finding them all?!
Something goes wrong in the parking lot, however, because suddenly Dorinda is on the attack. Did she get slipped a Sonja-pill – or is it a prerequisite that someone on RHONY must always be crying or melting down? It’s like a playgroup with toddlers.
Dorinda thinks Heather was intentionally ditching them on their way into the restaurant and starts shrieking at her. Heather is confused about when Dorinda turned gangster, so Dorinda calls her a bitch. No one knows what happened, but it’s upsetting Ramona’s stomach so she’s reduced to drinking water – NOT ACCEPTABLE! Fearing rougher waters, Heather apologizes to Dorinda to make amends. Is being Ramotional contagious on this trip?
Then Ramona and Heather talk about her divorce. Ramona is a stronger personality than Mario, and he always allowed her to take the lead and be herself, but he got tired of being in the shadows and their marriage fell apart. She warned Heather to be cognizant of undervaluing Jonathan, especially after Heather reveals she and Jon have the same fights Ramona and Mario did. Bethenny is shocked that a couple lasted 25-years with only a couple affairs and marks that as progress. Kristen agrees that Mario should have just kept them more secretive. Uhhhh… really ladies? *side eye*
Everyone manages to make it home without fighting, screaming, or sobbing, but the next morning things go haywire over lunch. Luann is skinny dipping in the ocean because the Countess has suddenly become my favorite person on Bravo, and Bethenny is rather awkwardly cooking lunch. Is it me, or does Bethenny always seem clumsy and uncertain when she’s cooking? Apparently the plan was a Bethenny would make lunch, but Ramona decided she wanted to eat at a restaurant and blew Bethenny off while recruiting the girls to go – even after Bethenny reminded her she was cooking!
Sonja told Ramona she was being inconsiderate and should ask Bethenny if she minds postponing cooking. Upon realizing Hurricane Ramontional was coming, Bethenny gathered her wits and ran. Ramona is fast though – even in stripper heels – and came charging after. Bethenny shrieked that Ramona is self-involved and “manic!” Ramona blinked rapidly – she’s still trying to comprehend post-trauma stressiness and whether or not that causes wrinkles, so “manic” does not compute.
Oh Bethenny and Ramona – those two are opposite sides of a self-absorbed crazy coin. Love, Hate, & Ramethenny! Bethenny sure is playing fast and loose with the diagnoses lately – must be all the time she’s spending living on Dr. Amador’s sofa!
Also – rather shockingly as Bethenny was in the kitchen I realized something had been missing this whole trip: Skinnygirl paraphernalia. There was nary a red and white bottle for days. Customs probably detained it for being a potentially hazardous infectious virus that would overtake their beautiful country like a rash of incurable ilk.
TELL US – DID THE LADIES DESERVE THE WRATH OF SONJA? DO THEY NEED TO STAY OUT OF HER BUSINESS?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]