Carole Radziwill is back in the USA after nearly being arrested by TSA for smuggling undeclared Clarins hand cream through security. The urn “which looked like a bomb” (from the Hindenburg era) bearing her late husband’s ashes – oh that was fine, thanks to Dorinda Medley‘s giant fur coat which happily ensconced the precious cargo. Things you learn from Housewives: always pack giant fur coats when attempting to smuggle goods through TSA.
Heather Thomson, ever the supportive friend to all, is happy to hear that not only was Carole’s trip a success in finding closure, but that Anthony’s return has finally completed the design scheme in Carole’s remodeled apartment. Hi honey, I’m home!
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Heather also fills Carole in on Bethenny Frankel‘s Boy Meets Skinnygirl party and how Ramona Singer was the rudest Ramona In the Room and all the men were so beneath her pinot-scrutiny. Carole decides Ramona just needs to get laid… but preferably not in a shared beach house where Carole is also a guest because that is so very “uncool.”
Heather must attend to other missives of other friends in need: Sonja. Sonja’s fashion thing is finally a reality so she invites Heather and Bethenny to the ever-morphing Sonja Morgan Luxury Lifestyle Brands (SMLLB) headquarters ostensibly to see some clothes. But the Lady Morgan has no new clothes, nor time management. Bethenny arrives first and is shocked that she’s actually there to participate in a model casting. Sonja arrives late and flustered – because the mobile SMLLB offices were in flux and she was chasing them down the street).
I’d like to take a moment to say all of the looks Heather was working in last night’s episode were amazing. (I refuse to say “On fleek” or whatever the hell Kardashian-ized bastardization term of fashion is).
Heather was also expecting clothes, not hoes (I kid!). When the first model walks in Sonja immediately denounces her as “not my brand” and more of a”Versace body type.” Bethenny and Heather are appalled that Sonja would denigrate the model’s looks to her face, but Sonja merely snips that when she was a model that happened all the time. “I don’t need this girl getting an eating disorder on my watch,” quips Bethenny, apparently developing new Skinnygirl Self Awareness (available nationwide at stores this fall for $19.99).
However, from my astute watching of America’s Next Top Model and the tutelage of the indefatigable Tyra, I concur with Sonja. Clearly that show is like totally real, right?! Another thing Tyra condones is bickering in the workplace, cause SMLLB takes lessons in professionalism from ANTM. As the poor model is just standing there as Sonja and Heather argue because Heather thinks Sonja is being rude and Sonja thinks Heather is trying to make her look bad.
Then another model walks in and Sonja gushes that she’s the one! Like all good rom-coms, she had Sonja at hello. Apparently this girl is SMLLB to perfection, whatever that means because neither Sonja nor her team can quite describe what the SMLLB brand is. When Heather directly asks where they envision the clothes hanging, Sonja rattles on about Ralph Lauren and “heritage brands.” Her Brand Supernova Excelsior Protector of High Fashion Expansion And Glitter explains that SMLLB is indefinable and in its own stratosphere. Or something. All were confused. But I am quite certain that the SMLLB headquarters is on the yacht Sonja shares with P.Diddy.
And from one self-obsessed, self-described scion to another, Ramona has lunch with Dorinda. While Ramona stuffs salad in her mouth (of which we were given unfortunately close-ups), she and Dorinda discuss divorce, widowhood, moving on, and London. The highlights: Ramona does not ride in taxis, because they might smell. Ramona met a hot man at a restaurant where they bonded over chicken, he was age-appropriate and Ramona hopes divorced. Ramona does not drink water – it may give her dysentery – only pinot.
Dorinda, who has the excellent effect of making Ramona behave more normally and brings her down to the slightly sane level, encourages Ramona to experience dating now that things are over with Mario. Ramona has recognized that her marriage is officially over.
Dorinda also discusses her trip to London and was shocked how fun Carole is away from Heather, which Ramona agrees with. Dorinda also found closure from Richard’s death and is happy to move on with John, something Ramona disagrees with. Ramona still sees John as Dorinda’s post-Richard rebound. Then they both sexually harass the very cute young waiter. I thought Ramona didn’t lower herself to staff?
In other milestone accomplishments, after having her business for a few months, Kristen Taekman is launching Pop Of Color at NY Fashion Week. A celebrity nail tech used Kristen’s polish on the models for the Elie Tahari show. Kristen brings Carole and Heather along for some backstage hobnobbing, where Carole finds the one lone sandwich at NYFW – seriously that’s like harder than locating a needle in a haystack (or an urn in a fur coat) – and eats it while testing out POC polish. The show is gorgeous. Congrats Kristen!
After that it’s onto the carriage house for Sonja’s fashion debut. There is big drama backstage. Sonja is missing models, missing looks, MISSING CHIGNONS because SMLLB is defined by a signature smokey eye and an updo, something Sonja only apparently recognized backstage at her fashion show, which was already running hours late.
Oh so many nightmares! The interns, improperly managed, did not collect the RSVPs, therefore buyers from Neimans are not present. The seating is not laid out and INTERN SOY SAUCE DOES NOT HAVE A PEN AND PAPER! Sonja is reduced to stealing Intern Abracadabra’s passport to write important notes using an eyeliner pen she found in her own air. Of course, Sonja who has been putting on LL (luxury lifestyle) fashion shows since aged 14 expects things to go wrong. But not this wrong! The one blessing is that the bar served chilled champagne.
The guests are restless and when the guests get restless the drama steeps. Ramona announces she’s having a “New Beginnings” party to celebrate her divorce and jubilantly brags to Bethenny about how changed she is so it’s time to Turtle Time it up. Bethenny is like oh, yeah… you’re so changed how come you stole two dresses from me? An offense Ramona denies, fobbed in a halfhearted Pinot-Pology. Maybe that’s where Sonja’s fashion collection went – Ramona stole it!
Just when everyone is starting to believe that Sonja actually is the Lady Who Has No Clothes and this fashion show will be a series of naked models stampeding down the runway in updos and smokey eyes as Sonja tries to convince us that we’re actually looking at clothes from the SMLLFD. (Eternally coming soon!), Sonja bustles out in a red jumpsuit dictating everyone to sit-down. Sadly she, unwisely, didn’t secure her boobs with double-sided fashion tape and her nipples are flashing all over the place.
And then, as if a mirage, the clothes appear. They are lovely. They are stunning. Everyone gasps. They cannot possibly believe this is real and not holograms. They are all impressed. And then: 2 hour intermission. While Sonja coordinates the second looks which her runway coordinator apparently did not prepare or organize by model.
Meanwhile it gave Bethenny and Ramona ample time to have round 2 of their argument, because this was a show within a show within a show. In the second act of R vs. B, dressgate rages on and through it emerges that Ramona was gossiping to Heather about Bethenny cheating on her first husband. Bethenny says she never had an affair. Ramona denies gossiping and then issues a halfhearted pinotpology, but, of course, doesn’t want to talk about it. Because SMLLBFS are the perfect place for Come To Jesus (or Come To Skinnygirl) moments, Bethenny refuses to let it drop. She is like a Skinnygirl with a brownie.
Bethenny tries to explain to Ramona how she is being a bad friend, for instance: Bethenny knows Mario’s sidepiece (¡¡¡¡ESCANDALÉ!!!!) but never said anything to no one, nor no tabloid. Naturally Ramona starts barking out her insincere apologizes. “You doing things and then the next day saying your sorry isn’t gonna work anymore,” Bethenny tells her.
Then it comes full circle to dressgate which Bethenny blames on Ramona’s entitled attitude, which also includes refusing to give bartenders a chance and c-ckblocking friends in Turks and Caicos. “I don’t think you would date a bartender either,” Ramona snaps (touché!), Bethenny snaps back that she dated Jason, but Ramona is quick to remind her Jason was college-educated and an executive at a vitamin company, so… (again, touché!).
As for the dresses, Ramona claims the dress theft was “accidental” (she thought one was a gift and she just has sooo many clothes, she couldn’t find the other one). Yeah right. Ramona insists she tried to contact Bethenny’s office to return them, but never got a response. Yeah right. To make it good she’ll return the one dress and pay for the other one. Yeah right. Bethenny is unconvinced.
The genesis is that Ramona has not changed, this is no new Ramona, this is the same old Ramona wearing a new [stolen dress] and Bethenny refuses to support this latest fake renewal of what is True Ramona: selfish, self-absorbed, elitist, disloyal to friends, and a backstabber. The Pinot didn’t get new clothes – she just stole someone else’s and passed it off as a whole new look. Luann de Lesseps wants Bethenny to give Ramona another chance, if only because Luann doesn’t want to attend Ramona’s New Directions party without anyone to snark to.
Finally the second round of Sonja’s collection makes it down the runway. We waited FOR-EV-VER for Sonja Morgan Luxury Lifestyle Fashions to appear … and now it’s the Sonja Morgan Luxury Lifestyle Fashion Show that will never end. But end it does, with Ramona leaping out of her seat and cheering wildly for Sonja. And all the other ladies tipping their fascinators in appreciation and respect. Hey – maybe it’s Sonja who has the new beginning. Or at lest the new direction (Say that fast).
TELL US – HAS RAMONA CHANGED AND DID SHE STEAL BETHENNY’S DRESSES? WHAT DID YOU THINK OF SONJA’S FASHION SHOW?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]