Manzo’d With Children Recap: Home Is Where The Regression Is


Last night on Manzo’d With Children Mother’s Day was celebrated with a  throwback photoshoot, Albie and Chris still pretended they don’t have jobs, and Lauren decided to never leave home again. Actually they barely leave the kitchen… what is happening in the rest of that house!? 

Caroline Manzo is stressed. First Chrissofart left mommy and is now debauched in Hoboken. Now Lauren, about to be married to Vito the living incandescence of an Al-flavored mozzarella ball, wants to MOVE. OUT. Caroline cannot have this. 

Caroline tries to convince Lauren that she and Vito should just stay at home to save their money, because Caroline is not giving them a downpayment on a house – only utilities in her house! This is what passes for responsibility in Manzo-land? Shouldn’t Lauren already have savings given that she’s been living with her mother her entire life? Caroline would prefer they make the ‘smart choice’ to live with her until they can afford to buy a nice (re: luxury) instead of living someplace dumpy (see: Crissofart’s apartment).

But Vito doesn’t want to live with Ma and Pa Smothers, he wants the freedom to show his love to Lauren and admits to his fiancé that he wouldn’t feel comfortable “in the bedroom” living at her mother’s. Does Lauren care what Vito thinks or wants? #RhetoricalQuestion.


In truth, Lauren doesn’t want to move – she’d have to cook and clean for herself! And pay bills. She pretends to humor Vito on this notion that Lauren, who still lives off Daddy’s AmEx, would ever stoop to living in an apartment. Apartment-living is to housing what exercise is to lapland (worth 4 SAT points). 

Caroline is also stressed over planning Lauren’s shower because she’s making all the centerpieces herself. #PinterestProblems Luckily, since Albie has no job other than putzing around in mommy’s garden with his herbs – ahem – he’s available as a craft assistant. Mother-son bonding for the win! Caroline makes Albie reinforce her position that Lauren and Vito should just live with her for lyfe, like a polyester-stripmall version-ish of Grey Gardens. Then Caroline gushes about how independent-minded and confident Albie has grown since he started living for himself. Mmmmkay. 

To relieve stress Caroline goes to lunch with Rosie and Kathy, whom you may remember from their appearances on Real Housewives Of New Jersey. Wallpaper, Richie, and both of their adult children are about to move into Kathy’s custom-built dream house. Caroline reveals that Kathy’s original house is Lauren’s dream home, but alas they cannot afford it. 


While Caroline is out to lunch, Crissofart, who left home but never left, has a secret! He’s regressed to wearing a pair of footie PJs identical to ones he wore as a baby. To celebrate Mother’s Day he decided the siblings will give Caroline the gift of turning back time with a photo shoot that recreates childhood pictures. Confession: all this time I thought Lauren was the baby of the family. Since there is nothing Caroline wants more than to perpetually baby her children Chris is right – this is the perfect present. 


They all put on costumes and while snapping the pics joke about how jealous the women of American are that Chris gets to recline between Albie’s legs. [We’re not]. Later Albie announces he’s re-dating his ex, another Playboy-Playmate looking woman, whom Caroline doesn’t like. The new Albie, who is living life for himself, doesn’t care – Britt is fun. And wore a shirt that resembled the top half of a raunchy bridesmaids dress to lunch at Caroline’s. Albie’s hitting this teenage rebellion stage a little late. 

Meanwhile Lauren is slowly completing her transition into a Caroline Clone. They have even started dressing alike. To teach Lauren a lesson about fiscal responsibility, Caroline takes her to look at a house Lauren would absolutely love but can’t afford. Did I mention they’re dressed like twins? The house, a solid middle-class and perfectly nice home, sells for the mid-700,000s. Lauren, of course, loves it, but has to accept the reality of her budget, not Al’s

Caroline counsels Lauren on the maturity and wisdom that comes with accepting your lot in life; that she will never leave Caroline’s house. Naturally Lauren decides living some place cheaper or renting an apartment for a while is a waste of money so she’s going to convince Vito to stay with her parents for a couple months to “save.” 

On Mother’s Day Vito appropriately comes over dressed in an undertaker’s suit, which leads me to believe he was out all night on a bender. Or he’s accepted his fate as Married To Manzo and plans to live in mourning. Lauren confronts him about living with her parents for a couple months, instead of “living paycheck-to-paycheck” in their own place. Lauren gives Vito this lecture while standing in front of a closet full of designer shoes. #priorities.


Lauren doesn’t get Vito’s reservations – like how he’d like to be a newlywed and maybe walk around naked with his wife instead of eating eggs with mommy and daddy every morning?  

When Lauren mentions they can use all their wedding money as a downpayment, Vito rolls-over like the overstuffed cannoli he is and reluctantly agrees, insisting on an “end date” to moving out. So the plan was never to save – it was to wait until your friends and relatives wrote you big checks. Not that there is anything wrong with using wedding gifts wisely, but it’s just another way the Manzo kids are avoiding adulthood! 

Then they give Caroline her recreated baby album. Each child has also written her a letter. Caroline cries over Albie’s, because Albie. And when Lauren’s letter expresses that she can’t wait to be a wife and mother like Caroline, no one was surprised. Poor Al passed out in the eggs and no one blinked. 


[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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