Last night Real Housewives Of New York revealed secrets. Such secrets as Bethenny Frankel is the only woman in NYC who has abandoned waxing. And sadly, it’s all over. But there were no fat ladies singing – only ex-countesses with autotune.
The big storylines were that Carole Radziwill has forgotten how to be an author and Josh and Kristen Taekman had a 10-year anniversary celebration for which Kristen busted out her wedding gown. Also, Ramona Singer confessed that there were fractures in Ramonja. That’s it – the world is ending! But there was a new RHONY dynamic duo to replace them- Harole (Heather and Carole). In the end Ramona and Sonja Morgan hugged and made-up because after an adult lifetime of friendship and drama, of course there will be times when they don’t see eye-to-eye or support each other in the right way.
Bethenny and Dorinda Medley meet for drinks to swap stories about their past lives being broke and waitressing. Both credit the hard work, volatile environment, and required sucking up for tips to their current success because they’re not afraid to speak their minds, be bold, or mix cough medicine with booze. Bethenny loves Dorinda because she’s a broad. Hey, isn’t that why we all like Dorinda? In fact, all these long seasons – what was RHONY doing here without Dorinda?!
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Flashback to the reunion: The sea of sparkly mistakes erupts into an argument over whether or not Dorinda had a legit friendship with Luann de Lesseps and Ramona pre-RHONY. Heather Thomson is ready to argue that their friendships are fake, when she decided it was a sinking ship and abandoned the stupid argument. Yes! Refreshing! Stress is aging, ladies! Unless you’re Kristen or Ramona or Luann or Sonja who seemingly never age… WTF is going on here?!
Back in Turks and Caicos, drunk Luann is unimpressed with the bar the ladies selected for their night out. It’s called like Sand Bar – more like Sandman because it’s empty and boring! Luann, effecting her Mae West voice she uses when drunk, rudely and uncountessy-like demands they leave. “I don’t want to stay here – it’s boring!” she repeats until everyone – including Ramona and her FRINGE!!!!! – follow suit. A drunk Countess takes no prisoners – unless they’re sexy men!
Dorinda has Ramona and Sonja over for tea, to an apartment that cannot possibly be hers (I think she rented a fake place for filming due to co-op boards – or that is her daughter’s place and she’s pretending to live there.). Ramona thought this was a theme party for Impersonate Your Favorite 90’s TV Star – she chose Amanda from Melrose Place. But the theme was actually the agony and the ecstasy of lost loves.
Dorinda found a beautiful email Richard had written to her shortly before he passed, which she read aloud. Ramona burst into tears and it was sweet. Regardless of what Heather believes you can tell she and Dorinda have been true friends for years. Ramona discusses moving on from Mario and how hard it was to accept that part of her life being over. Unfortunately Ramona has moved on in every way except for updating her look! It’s time to let go of 1990-and-whatever, Pinot! Ramona’s next Tru-Renewal/New Beginning/Same Nonsense party should actually be New Look. Heather tried a while back but the only thing Ramona has updated were her implants – then denying she’s had any big ‘enhancements’. #OurPinotGogglesDidNotMakeUsBlind
Bethenny is working hard at Skinnygirl HQ – her office is actually a palatial apartment! Uh, why isn’t poor little homeless girl living there?! As Bethenny likes to embarrassingly parrot, “Mo Money, Mo Problems,” (it’s so awkward when she says that like hearing your mom try to use ‘On Fleek’ or something). Bethenny struggles to light the fireplace in this luxury ‘work environment,’ yet succeeds in putting SMILLB and their roving-rent-a-offices to serious shame (I think Sonja should get a delivery tuck and turn it into SMILLB headquarters because duh – international luxury lifestyle is always traveling to the next hot spot!).
Carole meets her editor to explain why she still hasn’t written a book. She’s just been so busy…
regressing being in love. Just pretending the last 20 years haven’t happen – she’s still a carefree girl of 30 bopping around NYC in her tutu! Carole’s editor has secured yet another extension plus had a serious talk with her agent, who is also pushing for Carole to get something – anything – written besides a slew of obnoxious tweets. Carole better watch it, because she’s becoming Brandi Glanville – Drinking & Tweeting has already been written, though. Maybe Carole can pen Self-Righteous & Tweeting?
Carole also reveals the scope of her book has changed. She is no longer writing a sequel to The Widows Guide…, but shifted to writing a collection of essays about her experiences dating. “I couldn’t help but wonder …” if we’ve read this before! Sex And The City is so 2000-and whatever.
While Carole is making excuses for why she’s not writing, Sonja is adding “Dream Analyst” to her list of credentials in the Sonja Morgan International Luxury Lifestyle CV. Ramona apparently sees a Dream Analyst – even though she doesn’t believe in psychics – and invites Sonja, Luann, and Kristen to come too. It turns out Luann, Sonja, and Ramona all dream about teeth. SO weird – maybe instead of syncing periods, as close friends often do, they’re syncing dreams? Or maybe it has something to do with RHONY being all sharky.
Luann dreams she is a tooth, Ramona dreams her teeth are falling out, and Sonja dreams someone is shoving things in her mouth – no, things she doesn’t like! (Skinnygirl or Ramona Pinot?!). I believe Luann is actually dreaming that she’s the tooth perennially falling out of Sonja’s mouth and it means she craves permanence and security. Speaking of which, Sonja arrives to the dream reading sans tooth – it was the one she lost at the Skinnygirl party! Kristen’s dream indicates trauma. She insists she’s never had one and Ramona warns her it’s an omen of what’s to come. Eerie!
Duh – Duh – Duh… here’s more premonition! Kristen and Josh’s marriage has made it 10 yaears and although Kristen maintains their marital issues weren’t that bad – just bickering – things were apparently worse than she knew! #AshleyMadison. To celebrate the milestone they’re having a big anniversary party. Kristen decides to surprise Josh by wearing her wedding gown to the party. Carole comes over to help her try it on. Thank GOD it’s not a vow renewal – those are beyond annoying. A classy party is fine, vow renewal; just no. They’re as overdone as psychics on Bravo!
Carole brings champagne and wears a figure skating costume paired with cowboy boots. Kristen makes her take them off, wisely. Carole and Kristen have a fun friendship – they are comfortable and real with each other and it’s clear they really are friends. I love moments like this on RHONY – something this franchise has that so many of the others lack. I also like both Kristen and Carole when the drop their pretenses and act like themselves.
Carole brought her wedding album. She and Kristen reminisce about Carole’s marriage to Anthony. Carole looks so different at her wedding – meaning style-wise. It’s almost like she was wearing a costume! Carole would have been married 20 years if Anthony lived, and she looks back on their love and marriage with fondness and gratitude. It’s a beautiful approach and it makes me sad to think she still loves him deeply and has never moved on.
My weepy spirits are revived when Kristen pulls her gown out of the storage box and starts squealing. Despite her massive new implants, which Carole tries to touch – do they feel like boobs; are they plastic? Do they move? Writer girl has questions! – Kristen’s gown still fits. “She was a skinny bitch then, and she’s a skinny bitch now!” Carole declares.
Kristen does look lovely. Carole takes a turn trying on the dress and Kristen (and Carole) decide Carole wears it better. Carole credits it to being flat chested. I agree, a plunging neckline looks classier with smaller boobs. Why did Kristen get those implants? I think hers look silly and so do Ramona’s!
Kristen and Josh’s anniversary fete is an elegant black-tie event with Kristen being the only person not in black. Well, besides her former maid of honor who wore red! Carole describes her as that friend who always tries to one-up you – even on your wedding day! Is that sort of like the friend who wears a see-thru black lace, crop-top with plunging neckline and leather fingerless gloves to your anniversary party? I’m not naming, names…
Carole has a bone to pick with Sonja, of the loose lips and even looser teeth. Sonja was at a gay bar and ran into Carole’s hairdresser, where Sonja let loose a torrent of complaints about Carole! Hilariously Sonja refuses to apologizes because gay bars are her sanctuary: she talks shit, she drinks too much, and she flirts shamelessly. Instead of starting a big to-do and being that friend who always has to one-up you – even during your most important moments – Carole laughs it off and let’s it go. Then they go get a drink. I loved it.
When the ladies of RHONY behave like this I love them all so much I want to squish them to my un-amble, un-enhanced bosom and hug them close. It’s proof that these woman have full lives beyond Housewives and aren’t too caught up in the show drama! Don’t ever change girls. Stay sometimes bitchy, sometimes fake, sometimes delusional and self-absorbed, and most times real and over it. And continue to shrug it off like a priceless fur chubby while grabbing a drink.
While Carole is escorting Sonja to the bar for a ‘We’re over it!’ drink, Kristen escorts Josh to the microphone to make a declaration about their love. Kristen so clearly adores Josh and emotionally gushes about their 10-year-marriage. Josh is like yep, Kristen’s great! Kristen also shares that she’s relieved her marital issues weren’t a major storyline this season… well there’s always next year!
After all that love, Bethenny wants to talk sex. Specifically everyone’s nether regions – like is there hair down there? Bethenny has lasered hers off, but everyone else is steadfast and true with waxing. Then Ramona wonders why people are bleaching their butt holes. “This conversation is not for you,” teases Carole as the women dissolve into hysterical laughter.
I love you RHONY – don’t ever change. (Seriously Bravo, don’t change a thing!).
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[Photo Credits: Bravo]