Meat & Cheese

Last night on Manzo’d With Children the Manzos and the Scalias traveled to Italy for a little conjoined family bonding. Almost-married Lauren Manzo got her Teresa Giudice on as she shopped beyond her means all throughout Sorrento. OK, well she mostly bought cheese – does that count? The Manzos are more dense and smothering than a pizza with extra cheese. 

Caroline Manzo justifies the trip as a great experience for Lauren and Vito Scalia to learn to fly on their own as Caroline and Al remain “waiting in the wings” – or first class rather. They upgraded, but left the rest of peons back in coach. “It’s a farewell to Lauren Manzo,” describes Ma Smothers, as she hunkers down with her popcorn to watch the disaster of Lauren Scalia unfold. Don’t worry mommy is always waiting in the wings (or the hallway) with a hamper to help scoop up the mess! 


Manzos Fly

Al is having difficulty accepting that Lauren is “leaving Manzo” and defecting to the “Scalia-Mobile” by joining a new family. Al doesn’t believe Lauren will ever stop wanting to be a Manzo. Of course not – being a Manzo equals Daddy’s AmEx. “More than half of Americans who get married get divorced,” rationalizes Daddy Dearest to explain why he’s not worried about the impending nuptials. 

“Its really really special for me to see my kids together, enjoying this moment, but I think for Al it’s different,” explains Caroline. With Al depressed about Lauren leaving him – symbolically so, I suppose – since she’s still going to be LIVING AT HOME. Al sulks through the trip complaining that he’s “over it” five-minutes after arriving. Apparently Italy and Al don’t mix well – must be because he’s only 1/16 Italian. Maybe try Scotland? 

But, seriously – Lauren is 28!!! Could they stop acting like this is the 1600s and they’re shipping their teenaged daughter off to a foreign country to marry a man she’s never seen before? 

At the gorgeous villa, there is the “Great Choosing Of the Rooms Debate”, Vicotta, our lovable lump of oozy-ricotta,  tries to sneak share a room with Lauren. Caroline and Denise immediately quash that plan, then Al swoops in to really put the damper on the linens Denise ironed for Vito. “You may sleep with Albie or Christopher,” Al instructs. 

Lauren's Present & Past

I love this picture – it perfectly illustrates the merging of Lauren’s past and future. Like Caroline, Lauren has a strapless mumu shirt with white shorts, but it’s also tie-dye. Which connects her to Vito’s mom Denise! (Was this intentional?)

Al and Denise have something in common – neither can accept they will no longer be their blessed child’s “number one.” Denise is shell-shocked to learn Lauren has packed all Vicotta’s clothes for the trip. Denise holds the trump card however –  she yanks out Vito’s wallet and announces, “Meanwhile his mother’s still holding his wallet!” – Better hold that one tight, Denise – at least according to Al’s sage words of advice regarding Lauren! 

Chris, the omnipotent narrator of Manzo-ridiculousness, describes it as the only time Vito has ever had two women fighting over him. I’m guessing it’s probably a little less Girls Gone Wild than Vito’s imagination… 

Driving into town Lauren proposes they make the adults – or the parents – dinner, and Chris volunteers to sous chef. It turns out Chrissofart plans to never get married. No one can replace Caroline! Expecting to be alone, Chrissofart taught himself to cook. “The only woman that loves me is my mom,” accepts Chris wisely. 

Caroline must sense something is off with one of her spawn’s future grandchild production propensity, because as they families are enjoying much-needed gelato a beautiful Italian girl just so happens to be sitting at a nearby table – alone – and poised to be snatched up by Chrissofart. Albie has that Brittany and is being punished, therefore he doesn’t even get the opportunity to chat up beautiful Margarita (name changed to protect the innocent?). 

Chris meets an Italian girl - but not by choice!

Lauren is dispatched as the Manzo envoy and Margarita is quickly kidnapped by Caorline as a bride for Christopher. She barely speaks English which is a plus! They smuggle her to the grocery store to assist in the buying of cheese, meat, and penis-shaped pasta. Meanwhile Denise and Caroline pick out table linens for Lauren. Denise is drawn to the ones that match her own “for Sunday dinner – Vito will love it.” 

Margarita made her escape while Chris and Vito were distracted by a fancy prosciutto slicer, she ran for the hills before Caroline could wrap her in antique Italian linens and cart her back to the US as a Bride Of Salami.manzo-recap-al

While Lauren and Chrissofart cook, Al reminisces with Vito’s father about “intentionally” raising Lauren to be spoiled so she will always know her worth – or rather Daddy’s. Maybe it’s like a cat – if you want it to hang around, keep putting food AmExes out. manzo-recap-lauren-cooks

Over dinner – which does look delicious! Props to LaurenAlbie reveals that Chris doesn’t want to get married. EVER. Caroline, believing all this while Margarita was hiding in his room, spontaneously combusts over limoncello chicken and lectures Chrissofart on the value of family. Just look around! Furthermore what if Chrissofart gets sick and there is no one to take care him?! What if he’s sad! Isn’t that what Mommy Dearest is for?

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Caroline waxes poetic about how she and Al’s job as parents is almost done and Al tears up. I don’t know if they were tears of joy – for freedom – or tears of fear – for a life which will soon be lived with only Caroline for solace. He ups Lauren’s AmEx limit and encourages her not to grow up too fast… 


[Photo Credits: Bravo]

Denise buys linens For LaurenThis is just a photo of the beautiful table linens.