Yeah, I’m just gonna admit it – I didn’t want to write this Real Housewives Of New York recap. I had to rally and force myself, because last night was just so icky, fake, mean, desperate, and scheming. I wish for Carole Radziwill and Bethenny Frankel to take a good, hard, long inventory of their lives before they judge one more person. That display last night was, again, all kinds of hypocrisy and person-shaming, and lady bashing. I don’t care how much they boast about how it was one of the greatest episodes of all time – it wasn’t, in my opinion. So it’s round two of Get Crass With The Countess.
I don’t think Luann is any sort of innocent – she is annoyingly self-righteous, her jumpsuit was sinfully ugly, and I was pissed that she turned supplicant by apologizing to Bethenny after Bethenny’s barrage of insults. Also, I do think Luann likes to shift around the truth of things – like her relationship with Tom – but I don’t think anyone deserves the sort of treatment Bethenny dished out and I think Luann more than held her own in a calm manner, which impressed me.
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Bethenny and Carole have a problem with Luann de Lessep. After Bethenny proceeded to call Luann every name in the Burn Book, and complain about her to all the other ladies behind her back, Luann is in the kitchen venting to Dorinda Medley that she doesn’t understand Bethenny’s motivation. Luann definitely should have let it go – I understand the need to vent and seek validation that your friends are still your friends, but with Bethenny lurking in every corner itching to go again, Luann even breathing a word of their fight was like sticking her ungloved hand in the bees nest to grab some honeycomb. You’re gonna get stung over and over again. But that’s the issue – Bethenny is marauding over this show and no one Housewife should be permitted to act as overlord and control the flow of things because otherwise someone’s job may be in jeopardy (See: Morgan, Sonja; Taekman, Kristen).
Of course overhearing Lu complaining, Bethenny storms in – wearing a droopy ass onesie (’cause nothing screams ‘mature person who has the right to lecture others!’ like wearing an adult-sized version of kiddie PJs!) – to ream Luann out again, because it’s obvious that Luann sent her an insincere apology text.
Bethenny is now pissed that Luann remains a hypocrite and didn’t learn anything after the first time Bethenny verbally assaulted her 2 hours prior. Did you know Luann still can’t own her shit! Also she better never let the words Skinnygirl cross her lips again, unless of course she’s promoting the wonders of Skinnygirl and extolling its FABULOUS pro-women, all around awesome creator Bethenny. That was SAAAAAAARCAAAASM, people.
The entire second time Bethenny was ripping Luann a new-new one – before Luann could even adjust to the first new one – about how Luann steals people’s men, is a bad friend, judges others, should read the tabloids for the gossip about Ramona Singer‘s love life, and how everyone says she’s untrustworthy, I was just willing Luann to snap, “Yeah, but Bethenny, wasn’t it just in the tabloids that you were having an affair with a married man? Should I believe that? Cause that would imply that YOU also sleep with married men. Now get off my jock and my hair!” That would have been righteous and awesome! Instead what Luann said was, “That’s not what people think – that’s what YOU think. And Carole.”
Luann actually cries – she leaves the room to dab away tears, and at that moment my husband walked into the room and said, “Luann’s a$$ looks great in those jeans.”
To fuel their arguments that Luann is a man-stealing hussy, Carole and Bethenny actually claim that Sonja Morgan told them about it. Luann snapped, “But isn’t Sonja a liar?”
Oh, and Carole wants a 400th apology over Luann calling her pedophile. Exactly when did this happen? Someone please illuminate me because, I have heard 3 different accounts from Carole (it was on twitter, it was on the reunion, it was at Kristen Taekman‘s denim and diamonds fundraiser), and I don’t recall. It is my profession to micro-analyze the lives of Housewives on and off camera, and even behind the scenes from the plethora of ‘sources’ who come to us with information we do not reveal, yet I have never seen proof of this “pedophile” comment. If Luann said it, then yes – gross, and absolutely she owes Carole a sincere apology, however Carole needs to figure out a way to either accept one of these apologies, or accept that Luann’s not sorry and get over it especially since she claims to be happy in love with Adam and doesn’t even LIKE Luann!
Also, Carole (and Bethenny) are being intentionally obtuse: Luann never had a problem with Carole dating younger men – she had a problem with Carole dating her niece’s reportedly NOT ex-boyfriend, hiding and lying about it, and then acting like she had done absolutely nothing wrong, but Carole is awfully defensive for someone who is the paragon of virtue.
I truly don’t think Luann cares what these women think, but I do think she’s aware that there is something greater at play here then merely embarrassing her; there is an ulterior motive. Of course, the mention of Sonja had to then include a rampage about how “laughable” it is that Luann would be claiming to mentor Sonja. Luann clarified she’s worried about Sonja who is unhappy, and lonely, and making bad choices, and AS A FRIEND, she wants to help.
But because Bethenny only cares about Bethenny she rants and raves about the Skinnygirl/Tipsy Girl mess, not about having concern for Sonja. Dorinda decides it’s time to serve the lasagna because presumably if Bethenny has food stuffed in her mouth she won’t be talking.
Finally Santa shows up to hand out engraved wine glasses. Poor Dorinda – she tried so hard and it was all in vain. Luann joked that her glass should say “Slut” or “Whore,” and Carole storms away from the table because she can’t handle this kind of fakery. Oh puh-leaze. Now go Skype Adam and whine to your disinterested man-child about how the mean girls are making you cry. And don’t forget to make excuses for Bethenny!
Carole fleeing promoted another round of “Anything The Countess Does Is The WORST Thing Ever.” Did you know that Luann let her dog poop all over Dorinda’s house? And that Luann put barf in the kosher lasagna. And it’s all Luann’s fault that Bethenny’s marriage ended – cause Luann totally stole Jason and had her way with him right on the Skinnygirl buffet! This time Bethenny uses Ramona to illustrate how Luann nabbed Tom. Ramona tries to have a moment with the Countess about her attention-seeking man-eating (she so does this!), but Luann just brings up the time Ramona tried to get all the menz eyes on her macrame. Bethenny shrieks that it’s not about Ramona – it’s about Luann being awful and not getting it. Luann looks drained, Ramona looks exhausted, Bethenny looks as unhinged as ever and like she’s worn out from being the selfless tyrant forcing the will upon the people who don’t realize they needed it.
Worse, Bethenny keeps apologizing to Luann by saying thing like, “I’m sorry I had to say those things. I’m sorry those words came out of my mouth – I just couldn’t stop. Sorry I acted that way – it was about the Skinnygirl.” [eye-roll]. Bethenny never says, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” Don’t worry though – Bethenny likes Luann. She thinks she’s a fun, intelligent, intellectual, and well-cultured punching bag! Someone – either Countess Collection or Skinnygirl needs to market a Housewives punching bag! Look – Luann has many faults: she is elitist, imperious without cause, fake, and bossy, but for the most part she’s hilarious TV and fun, and doesn’t do or say anything outrageously hurtful to the other women. GET OFF LUANN’S JOCK!
Everyone finally goes to bed – it’s only 9:30, but the day was so emotionally exhausting, that not even lasagna could save it. When only Luann and Dorinda remain, Lu lets her guard down and you can feel her shock. She apologizes profusely to Dorinda for everything being ruined and agrees that it was wise to uninvite Sonja.
The next morning Bethenny wakes up next to her sycophant Carole and complains about having an “argument hangover.” Carole strokes her arm and her ego, and they decided to “ghost” by fleeing without saying good-bye or thank you. Someone needs Class With The Countess!
They rush-packed, shoved shoes over their PJs and attempted to sneak out – Bethenny even was rude to the chauffeur. The other ladies are making breakfast (Ramona wearing heels with her nightshirt!) when Luann notices them running out the door. Reluctantly Carole and Bethenny are forced to come back inside and mumble goodbye like they were caught doing the walk of shame. Carole even gives Luann this super long hug. The whole scene is so awkward even the bacon feels soggy.
Back in the city Sonja packed a sad care package for her daughter which included such necessities as already opened snack packs, and something that she guessed was a sex toy (it was a cord keeper). Sonja confesses to her skeleton crew of Team Sonja interns that she was so depressed about missing Dorinda’s that she wore the same clothes for three days. Sonja does need Luann.
AD (After-Dorinda’s), Bethenny again requires ego stroking from Carole, who apparently has nothing else to do but mope around alongside Bethenny in drab colors and tell Bethenny how amazing she is. Bethenny and Carole are depressed that Bravo wouldn’t give them their own show, and now they have to attend Ramona’s holiday party where the double-whammy of awful Luann and Sonja will also be.
At Ramona’s party Luann wears a lace-encrusted Countess Collection jumpsuit, and it was not her best look. Ramona is all in white, but don’t let the virginal get-up fool you, because she was practically trying to hump the chef on top of a hot plate. I don’t know if Ramona read like Friendship for Dummies, or The Secret, or has been seeing a counselor for her raging megalopinotmania, but she sits Luann down to request that she officially apologize to Carole – but this time make it sound sincere. All Ramona wants for Christmas is for everyone to get along, and that includes Luann kissing Bethenny and Carole’s flat butts. Luann rolls her eyes but agrees.
Bethenny and Carole are huddle on a sofa judging and being boring when Luann sidles over, plops down, completely ignoring their grimaces. It’s almost like Luann is doing it on purpose. Which would be hilarious. Luann totally knows how uncomfortable she’s making Carolenny, as she dumps a bunch of fake, hollow compliments and apologies into their laps, while smiling and fluffing her hair. Luann visibly ignores Bethenny’s snarls as she describes how happy she is with Tom and that it’s serious. Luann appeared to be beating them at their own game, or I have a serious case of the wishful thinkings!
After Luann’s latest apology, Carole insists she realizes that she and Luann are different people who won’t be friends, but that’s OK. Carole, aged 50, not 15, finally recognized that it’s OK to be civil to people. Imagine that! Real Housewives: Teaching the vital life lessons high school failed to address.
In less successful redemption schemes, Luann and Ramona have been coaching Sonja on how to approach Bethenny. They want her to promise to drop the Tipsy Girl thing. Apparently Sonja said she would. Sonja arrives, late, and Bethenny immediate stands up to run towards the door. Ramona and Luann want Sonja to chase her down, but Sonja refuses – and good for her! Sonja denies that she agreed to dump Tipsy Girl, and if Bethenny doesn’t want to talk to her, then Sonja is going to force it.
Carole insists Bethenny doesn’t have hard feelings towards Sonja, it’s just a matter of business. We all know that’s not true, but it was a nice sentiment.
Sonja yells at Dorinda that the right time to approach Bethenny would have been at her house. Her feelings are super wounded over being excluded and ostracized by her friends over one person not wanting her there. Dorinda stands by her decision and a furious Sonja storms out. Luann chases after her, down a back stairwell.
On the stairs, Sonja accuses Luann and Ramona of trying to force her into confronting Bethenny but there’s no point because Bethenny’s feelings were demonstrated when she fled. “Carole says there’s no hard feelings, but what are these – soft boiled?!” she shrills storming down the stairs, leaving Luann standing there mouth agape.
After that everyone bails. Some party. I think the lesson here is – just stop socializing with Bethenny Frankel.
Also, after being remiss for weeks, I finally must mention Luann’s new overly-tanned, frosted, and feathered Golden Girls confessional look. Luann was visibly wearing the Housewives version of Tarred and Feathered. Yikes!
TELL US – WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH BETHENNY AND LUANN? DOES BETHENNY OWE LUANN AN APOLOGY? SHOULD SONJA DUMP TIPSY GIRL?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]