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Luann

Oh Real Housewives Of New York – you never cease to amaze me. Last night’s episode shone a rather frantic light on the very temporary nature of life as a Housewife. 

First up Sonja Morgan has an intern she believes is her twin. This intern has Sonja’s nose, but Luann de Lesseps‘ voice and it’s all together confusing. That poor girl – Alex – upon realizing her predicament was shocked. In Sonja’s kitchen Luann lectures her about making amends with Bethenny Frankel, but Sonja is not inclined. She’s not going to grovel at the feet of the self-proclaimed Queen B, who is schtupping other women’s husbands and channeling the burden of her hypocrisy by having hysterical projecting meltdowns on Luann. Or at least I think that’s what happened between Bethenny and Luann during the Berkshires Bonanza. Which sounds like a recipe. Maybe Adam and Carole Radziwill can put it in their cookbook?! I give it a “Radish Rating” of 9. 

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Back to Luann and Sonja, Sonja explains that Bethenny is well-aware that Tipsy Girl and Skinnygirl aren’t in the same class – for a variety of reasons, namely that Sonja doesn’t do diets! She does toaster over strudels – the morning after hangover cure for “fat tipsy bitches” running their ‘victory laps’. Sonja knows Bethenny’s vendetta is personal, so she’s just gonna wait until a less hostile environment presents itself. Then Sonja will explain why she can’t change the name, apologize, and hope Bethenny is understanding. Sonja’s sudden clarity of mind has arisen because she stopped drinking – just to prove to these girls that she’s no drunk lush! 

Sonja is shocked by Luann's boyfriend

Sonja’s alcohol-free triumph is overshadowed by Luann announcing that she’s moving out after falling crazy in love with a man she’s known 6 weeks! And that man is Tom! “My Tom?” bleats Sonja. Yes, the very same Tom who Sonja has been doing on and off for years. This man gets A-ROOOUND Tipsy Girl style! Channeling Intern Alex, Sonja is speechless and not sure how to process this, but she rallies like a good friend and wishes Luann well. Then puts a “For Rent” post on Craigslist (for her “vagonja or her room, I’m not sure which. Maybe both?!). 

Luann skips off to get the hairy eyeball from Ramona Singer. Ramona is selling a line of temporary extensions now, and snarks that since Luann has had the same hair for 20 years, she’s a an excellent test subject. That’s rich coming from Ramona – who has also had the same hair for 20 years and once assaulted a woman with a wine glass for getting water on the bangs of said hair. Details-schmetails! Avery is also a Guinea Pig. I love Avery – she is wry, sarcastic, and witheringly unfazed about calling Ramona out. 

While a man wearing a Muppet afro (is that from Ramona’s hair collection?!) styles her locks, Luann gushes about being madly, ravishing in love with Tom and they are getting married. Lu knew he was the one almost instantly! Ramona plasters on a frozen, tight-lipped smile and then informs Luann, not unkindly oddly, that Tom still tells his ex-girlfriend he loves her, and gave her a gold bracelet. 

Tom is making me nervous? Just me? Maybe this is true love. Or maybe as Bethenny suggested, Luann was running around town wearing a sign reading “JUST WANT TO BE MARRIED!” 

Ramona & Luann

An undaunted Luann chides Ramona for not being happy for her. Even Avery calls out Ramona’s violation of girl code. Ramona insists she is happy for Luann, but wants her to be wary and not dive in blind like she did when she shoved both feet into that lace Countess Collection Cameltoe Jumpsuit. In response, Luann simply gives Ramona a kiss on the cheek. Apparently a Luann in Love is an all-forgiving sort. 

Which is more than I can say of the Tribunal Of Housewives Trips that convenes at Bethenny’s behest. Bethenny is expanding her line of tequila by adding a tequila and wants to embark upon a tequila tasting trip to the tequila region of Mexico. I’m not sure Ramona can even venture into those parts without melting in sacrilege, so thick with pinot does her blood run. Incidentally Ramona was almost burned at the stake right there at the table by the ravenous bitches on a Lord Of the Flies rampage after Ramona mentioned inviting Luann to tequila valley. 

RHONY trip vote

Bethenny decides to administer a vote. She opens motions by voting Sonja out of the tequila-zone, and dares anyone to disagree. Ramona abstains. Jules Wainstein decrees that she doesn’t care – she is exhausted and stressed by her dad’s illness and can’t tell Sonja from a fluffy sweater. 

Everyone else agrees that Sonja is a no-go because Bethenny’s business being alcohol will not allow her to taste liquor alongside with an alleged hyperbolic alcoholic. Apparently Bethenny knows the Alcohol Appropriations Board personally and they do not permit Sonja to attend Housewives trips. So that’s settled. Luann, well Luann is a separate matter. Bethenny concedes that Luann is invited – perhaps. But Carole is adamant that since Luann sleeps with men and drinks, she doesn’t want her on a trip that’s about having fun. Hasn’t Luann apologized like 98 times at this point for something no one is even sure she actually said?! 

Carole’s unrelenting vendetta annoys Ramona, whom is all about the forgiving and forgetting (and having fun). Later Carole will whine about how she’s made her whole life a shrine to the non-committal – everything except grudges, apparently those are permanent. 

Carole wants Luann uninvited

Carole’s veto of Luann is so firm she threatens that if Luann goes, she’ll stay home. Mostly everyone is silently rejoicing when Bethenny decrees that without Carole, she won’t go either. Isn’t this Bethenny’s BUSINESS trip. Isn’t Bethenny’s business like the most important thing in her whole life?! Yet if Carole is skipping this business trip so is B?! Bethenny must have taken a wrong turn in the Branding Summit Building and accidentally found herself at Sonja Morgan Enterprises.

Dorinda Medley is flummoxed – if Bethenny isn’t going and Carole isn’t going, then who is going?! It looks to me like Do and Ro could have themselves a fun old trip with So and Lu, and maybe Ju. Party on Team Fun!

Whatever the case -and wherever that case of booze is going – Jules is too. She needs to get away. Not only is her dad ill, but MichaelD2 is being a narcissistic douche. Careening into a restaurant, late, to meet Dorinda and John, Jules is disgusted with Michael.

First, Jules was at the hospital with her dad until 1:30 am. When she finally arrived home and got ready for bed, one of the kids woke up demanding milk, and Michael demanded SHE get it! Jules was already annoyed enough to cut the tips off all his ties, but then he screwed up dinner plans. Dinner was at 7, he came home at 7:15, then insisted on taking a shower making them super late. Things that make you go HMMMMMAFFAIR. All that time to kill waiting gave Dorinda ample time to consume booze – and libate she did! (I’d need several drinks to endure John!)

Jules is fed up with Michael

Over dinner, when he’s not staring at his phone (and I swear at one point FACETIMING), Michael makes jokes about hiring a hot nanny. Then announces that he has a business trip planned while Jules is supposed to be in Mexico and complains because her mom can’t watch their kids while she’s dealing with his very ill father-in-law! Jules is so upset she’s losing her hair, which makes Dorinda lose her marbles. Trying to make Michael see the error of his ways, Dorinda drunkenly rambles on and on and on about marriage and partnership and lasting love. Jules summed it up best though, “F–k YOU!” 

Dorinda redeemed herself when she took Sonja for manis and they achieved the impossible of eating candy WHILE getting their nails done. So perplexing.

Dorinda bluntly informs Sonja that she oughta keep her friends distant and her enemies closer – if she can figure out which is which because Ramona had officially defected to Bethenny and Carole’s We Hate LuOnja club. Sonja shrugs her sad shrug, blinks back tears from her watery eyes, and admits she’s not surprised by Ramona’s disloyalty. Dorinda is best in moments like this – she’s compassionate, honest, earnest, and you can tell she’s doing it for the right reason. 

Carole visits Bethenny and they plop down on B’s bed to dish about love and cats. It was a like a Cathy Cartoon for bitter bitches with organized closets and successful diets. Anyway, Bethenny tells Carole about potentially falling in love with this awesome guy – she won’t name-names (Carole knows him) who is also in love with her. She’s all excited and happy, feeling good about this one – he’s on her level! And Carole is like, Oh. He loves you? Yuck. So about me: I had a nervous breakdown over a ki-in and I call my dog “baby” and refer to my post-adolescent boyfriend as his “papa,” but I’m like TOTALLY normal and afraid of permanent situations. Can’t you tell? 

Carole has a cat-induced nervous breakdown

Carole was fostering this little feline named Vinny, and she fell hard for him and then he was wrenched away. The greedy SPCA snatching Vinny from Carole’s bosom without her having a chance to say goodbye became a metaphor for her entire transient life. She’s not sure if she’s always been the kind of girl who does temporary living out of a large-scale apartment she owns, or if this came about after she lost Anthony and two friends tragically, but Vinny taught her to love with commitment. It also taught her to always have heartfelt conversations with Bethenny while wearing matching outfits. In this case white jumbo turtlenecks for the win! 

Carole compares losing the foster kitty she had for 2 weeks to suddenly losing JFK Jr and Carolyn in a plane crash, then suggests she possibly loved her late husband because she knew there was the possibility he could pass away. I dunno guys – I think Carole needs a more qualified shrink than Bethenny. Even though Bethenny has spent about 2 zillion hours getting made for TV therapy from Dr. AmaIEverGonnaGetOverMyIssues (A: No). 

Bringing it full-circle to the subject of loss Jules is not only losing her hair, she’s also losing ground on where MichaelD2‘s peen roams. It has to be asked: There is another woman in NYC who wants to schtup Michael?! Is NYC is a place for desperate gals. That is how Adam came about right? Which brings it around to me – I have the same coffee table as Adam! Which is a sad thing considering 1) Adam’s is by-far the smallest and dumpiest apartment ever featured on RHONY – the ambiance completed by the appearance of a semi-rare Lane Hinged Coffee table also owned by moi; and 2) Carole further illustrating the sad Goodwill furniture by plopping on it the world’s ugliest terrarium. Is she taking crafting classes at the Learning Annex? That was like the Adrienne Maloof apology bouquets of terrariums!

Then Adam starts baking a cake with no cake-stuffs in it, and asks Carole to help but she’s afraid to touch ick, and she’s also scared of the blender button. I presume that the writer can read the button labeled “Power,” right? Carole abandons the cake making to start reviewing the book proposal for The Reluctant Boyfriend Vegan. After warning us that the opening synopsis may be a little “over-written,” she recites, “The reluctant vegan is the story of a reluctant vegan … and the chef who fell in love with the girl who loves junk food.” Over-written and schmaltzy! 

Finally, Luann does drinks with Bethenny and it was so much WTF Shady Fantastico!

Bethenny has drinks with Luann

Bethenny is late because she’s been bleeding gallons of blood from her hooha, but Luann – never letting B get a word in edgewise as if B used up her entire Luann Word Allowance in The Berkshires – is all Isn’t that the pits! Menopause, huh?! Sonja knows a great doctor to tighten that right up, but listen I’ve met this man who is divine. I truly don’t care who he’s giving bracelets to, so long as they’re Countess Collection bracelets, because some people can be friends with their exes – unlike YOU, but honestly you can’t be friends with anyone except Carole. Which HAHAHAHA! I mean truly? Really? If you’re that desperate for sleep, take an Ambien! Anyway, back to me, I’m getting married, so of course Ramona is trying to dump her pinot on my parade – or maybe it’s Tipsy Girl? Did you hear Tom is rich? So rich! Well, I must dash to the Carlyle to be ensconced in rich people second-chance love like a Hallmark movie. I suppose I could wait until you finish your  wine. Oh, and by the way, I’d love to come to Mexico. Text me the info and do let Carole know it’s time to move on, and that I’m am truly sorry she’s stuck eating mungbeans with a manbun while sitting at a Goodwill coffee table, meanwhile I’m enjoying REAL meat in luxe accommodations with a REAL man. And no, I don’t care abut Tom’s past, because c’est la vie! How’s that new man you’ve got – divorced yet?! Anyway, I probably owe Carole a thank you, actually – I am so GLAD she snatched Adam away from my niece and spared her. Oh, must dash. I’m late for being loved supremely! Would you be a darling and grab the check?! See you in Mexico – hopefully you’ll bring your Diva Cup! Adios!

Luann bails leaving Bethenny with the check

Then Luann, wearing stark white, strides out like a beacon of light streaking through dour lobby and into the night. She leaves Bethenny, slouched and reeling, realizing she’d been played. Bethenny couldn’t get a word in, couldn’t escape, and found herself saddled with both the check and Luann’s checkmate. Try to knock the countess off RHONY and she will  snatch the princess’s crown! Bethenny was right about one thing – Luann IS cunning. To Mexico we go (can Carole stay home?).

TELL US – DO YOU HAVE RESERVATIONS ABOUT TOM? WILL CAROLE EVER GET OVER HER ISSUE WITH LUANN? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

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