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Carole with her dog

On last night’s Real Housewives Of New York, the subject on everyone’s lips was blood and Luann de Lesseps. Does Luann have blood on her hands for ruining the group in her refusal to play the role of Bethenny Frankel‘s sycophant? Well, it appears none of that matters quite so much in the wake of Bethenny‘s health issue.

I don’t even think Luann made an appearance last night, but she was revived with her own ‘Before They Were Housewives’ special which aired after the show and my has she had quite a fascinating life.

Anyway, unfortunately, both Bethenny and Jules Wainstein spent their off-hours at Lenox Hill Hospital getting their vaginal areas investigated and mended. More on that later…

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So Carole Radziwill has Baby Fever – specifically a dog named Baby, who she is feverishly obsessive over. She takes her dog on playdates! Is this something people do – I feel like tweeting Lisa Vanderpump?

Carole’s dog is besties with the offspring of a celebrity Instagram dog, and through nepotism, Toast, has become a NYC celebutante in her own right. As toast of the town (har, har) she’s marrying some other famousy dog whose name I don’t care to remember in a lavish wedding covered by Vanity Fair. Carole’s dog, as a close and intimate butt-sniffing friend, is a bridesmaid for Toast. 

FULL. STOP. Is this not the dumbest, most overly-entitled, thing you’ve ever heard of?! Am I a jaded cynic incapable of embracing fun? The idea is that Toast and Dog I don’t Care To Remember The Name Of’s wedding will raise money and awareness for puppy mills. I saw not a whit of ‘information’ or ‘awareness’ raised – only ego-stroking! And I don’t mean for the dogs! Sadly, a very valiant cause was totally lost in the shuffle of Marchesa-designed doggy dresses and the hubris of owners attention-whoring on the backs of their furry friends.

In the era of Instagram and SnapChat, there was a professional photo shoot where a pile of dogs tussled atop an inflatable swan (probably filched from LVP’s pool), a glam squad, and Carole squealing like a baby that her Baby was being so mischievous. Let’s hope Carole’s stage-mommying doesn’t turn Baby into the next Lindsay Lohan.

Ramona Singer is also something of a stage mom, OK, more of a life coach/pushy friend/realityTVstorylinestagemom. She visits Sonja Morgan, where they hug and cry like long lost lovers, on Sonja’s bed. Ramona’s endless sucking up to Bethenny obviously isn’t natural, and now back with her ‘people’, the Pinot in her comes sloshing out. Poor Ramona is conflicted – like an empty pinot bottle rolling across a yacht’s deck, back and forth following the tide.

Sonja

Now that Sonja has quit drinking – because unlike Ramona she doesn’t need the booze (#considerthesource) – they’ve hatched a plan to get Sonja on the Mexico trip by groveling to Bethenny. I really don’t get why anyone would want to go to Mexico with Bethenny and Carole.

Personally, if I were LuAnn and Sonja, I’d plan my own trip and not invite them! Stage the ultimate coup – usurp Bethenny’s noxious ALL SKINNYGIRL, ALL THE TIME promotional tour, and go somewhere fabulous to have all lushy hussy fun without judgement. Istanbul? Milan? Gastaad with a smokey eye and an up-do?! Bravo would love the contrast between the sober tequila tour with Bethenny’s ‘Activities Agenda,’ versus Sonja and Lu partying down, AbFab-meets-Blanche Devereaux. Their menopausal milkshake divinely brings all the boys to the yard! 

Anyway, since the two bumbling braincells in Sonja’s updo haven’t yet devised an ulterior plan, she and Ramona decide to focus their efforts on making Bethenny forgive Sonja so she can go to Mexico. That requires many ‘pologies – sincerity not required.

Sonja admits she becomes tongue-tied when she’s nervous (which was very genuine), and Bethenny makes her nervous. So Ramona suggests they role-play. Ramona playing ‘Bethenny’ (and oh does she do a perfect imitation!) drills Sonja to not over talk and keep repeating the words “forgive me…” or “I apologize…” or “…Tipsy Girl is swine urine and you are the Goddess of your own ego.” After several tries, with Sonja’s up-do sprouting many wisps in frustrations and her leggings starting to pill, while the dogs escape from their playpen, Sonja nails it. Ramona also being Bethenny – because she pretended Sonja was Mario. Too bad Bethenny didn’t role play Ramona when doing her divorce.

Sonja and Ramona role play

Sonja feels prepared for seeing Bethenny at the Dogs Say I Do happening later this week. Ramona is euphoric, because she believes, if all goes as planned, Sonja is going to Mexico! Lord do I love this sort of zany plotting. Ramona just needs to stick with Lu and So, where she belongs, and Do, so they can all have fine time being goofballs, but I suppose all good stories need a protagonist and an antagonist, something to rally around and rise up against, and for that reason we have Crazenny. (Which is what I’ve decided to dub Carole and Bethenny). 

Meanwhile, Bethenny is bleeding profusely. Everywhere. All over NYC. First during drinks with Carole, where a pilloried Bethenny can barely get through her reminiscence of how The Countess invited herself to Mexico. The funniest thing was Bethenny complaining that she got ‘Bethenny’d’ by Luann, but not having the awareness to recognize this is how SHE behaves. I mean, spending 2 seconds watching Ramona impersonate her should be an ample demonstration. Bethenny blows into any situation, ranting and raving, making decisions without consulting others, and never letting anyone speak. So yeah, Bethenny meet Bethenny – may no one drown in a vat of Mexican tequila.

Carole, mysteriously, is suddenly wanting Sonja to come to Mexico, now that she’s quit drinking. Another way to get at Luann? Bethenny, now that her anger over Tipsy Girl/Skinnygirl has lessened, seems amenable to the consideration.

Bethenny

Yet, since Carole will NOT. GO. if Luann does, and Bethenny doesn’t want to vacation with a raving narcissist (What is she doing on this show?!), she now has to disinvite Luann from the trip she never invited Luann to. And that really salts the rim of Bethenny’s diet margarita. 

With crazy in every corner, Jules and Dorinda Medley go shopping and pretend Mexico will be a fun, relaxing vacation – not a manic Nazi-led tequila-fueled tour of all the ways Skinnygirl is amazing. There will be helicopters! And Skinnygirl! And yachts! And Skinnygirl! And a beautiful house! And Skinnygirl! But, alas, no fun since Sonja and Luann won’t be there. Jules and Dorinda want them included. Oh well, too bad their votes don’t count!

Before she leaves for Mexico Jules has a bit of business to attend to – she’s launching Modern Alkeme, which is a juice of some sort, that is a longtime family recipe. Since Jules knows people in the food business – Bethenny won’t like that! – she has Larry Praeger of Dr Praeger’s, sample her magical drink, which she makes herself in her kitchen, and he liked. A lot. So wait – Jules cannot make coffee, but she can concoct several strange herbs, flowers, and fruits into a fantastical elixir that a food mogul wants to produce? Is Jules some sort of idiot savant?

The Praeger had his lab make a variety of samples based on Jules’ recipe to replicate it on a mass-scale, and is offering her a deal. They are all bottled up with labels, and dang it helps to know people in high places!

Jules hasn’t told MichaelD2 what she’s been up to, so he comes home to find Dr. Praeger and the samples like Ta-DA – we do magic now and here’s some money! Jules is endearingly proud of herself, and waxes poetic about how she wants to accomplish something on her own to make her own money. Feminism has finally found Jules – she’s only about 30 years behind, but oh well, better late than never! Jules jokes that maybe Michael will be wanting a cut of her money in their divorce. Words, in retrospect, I’m sure Jules wants to eat… 

Jules & Sonja

Jules, as it turns out, also has a special and immediate fondness for Sonja – she identifies with her zaniness. The day of the doggy wedding, Sonja comes over to get glammed by Priv, and they bond over TMI oversharing and that time Jules climbed through a window and busted open her crotch. Jules now needs reconstructive surgery on her vaj. Exactly what was this window made of? Yuck. And Ouch. Jules chortles that she’s a “an open book! No, an open VJ!” 

Meanwhile, Dorinda meets Bethenny for some shopping at Home Goods, and they are both ridiculously, adorably excited like they voyaged for weeks for this pilgrimage. Afterwards, still bleeding heavily and feeling awful, Bethenny has a doctor’s appointment. In the interim, no uterine seepage is gonna keep Bethenny from a fancy pizza cutter and some throw pillows! Unfortunately, Bethenny starts feeling really ill and decides to go straight to the doctor early. She leaves all her stuff in the cart, calling out “Hold this for me!” while she rushes out. 

Dorinda, shockingly savvy and capable in a crisis, decides she’s going along to support Bethenny – even though Bethenny protests. Afterwards at Bethenny’s apartment, she admits to being relieved Dorinda was there. Bethenny has massive fibroids (I think) which she needs surgically removed ASAP and has lost 10% of her blood in a matter of days. Yikes. Bethenny will need to spend three days in the hospital and several weeks recovering, which means Mexico is canceled. Much ado about nothing there.

Bethenny & Dorinda

It made me sad that Bethenny is going through this huge health crisis but she has no one there with her – no friends, family, or spouse – only 20-something employees, and her co-star on a reality TV show, who certainly is a friend, but still… How depressing. Bethenny has achieved success, but at what cost? 

Even worse than Mexico being canceled, Bethenny is also missing the most illustrious social event of the season: the nuptials of Toast, and a surly Chihuahua, which is is most certainly an arranged marriage confabbed of loveless social grasping and monetary gains. Did Toast’s dowry include several endorsed Instagram pics? 

Everyone is to bring their own dogs to this wedding. No one was sure what to wear, so Dorinda dressed down and dragged along Lucy, who really doesn’t dig snooty social scenes. Sonja was wise to leave her neurotic, introverted dog at home – in uncomfortable social settings he’s prone to drink to much to ease his anxiety, and then act out in embarrassing ways. He’d probably take off all his clothes then sniff the butts of other mutts. Also, Sonja also has plans to conduct some uncomfortable business of her own at this here event, and cannot be distracted by trying to wrangle her dog. Luann was obviously not invited. Ramona is late, and thankfully didn’t bring Coco, who would likely give the bride turds as a wedding gifts. Or maybe a scavenger hunt to find said turds – a dog would probably like that sort of thing though. Carole is in the wedding, via Baby’s escort. 

The wedding is ridiculous. Not fun ridiculous, just stupid ridiculous. It is dogs dressed up in designer, looking sedated, while humans pretend their doing something important while patting themselves, not their dogs, on the backs. I saw no information on puppy mills, and the whole affair, which probably costs tens-of-thousands and was filled to the gills with rich people, only raised a measly $10k. It was a dud in other ways, as well, because Sonja and Bethenny never got to have their moment on account of Bethenny missing for health reasons. 

The dog wedding

Dorinda tells a miffed looking Carole about her afternoon spent at the hospital with Bethenny, and that Mexico is henceforth canceled. The other ladies are concerned of course – and Sonja pines to call Bethenny, the women she once considered a friend, but she doesn’t want to seem like a suck-up exploiting Bethenny’s tragedy. Sonja seeks advice from Jules (not Class With The Countess?!) on the appropriate way to handle the matter – Jules wisely suggest Sonja stick to a brief and heartfelt text.

Mexico being canceled is a major inconvenience for Ramona – she has been dieting and bought a killer bathing suit, which she’ll have to return. Seconds after hearing of Bethenny’s surgery, Ramona whips out a photo of herself trying on said swimsuit. Since Ramona is no longer on a diet – let her eat cake! She helps herself to cutting the wedding cake, lobs off a slab – there are no forks, or napkins, or plates in sight – then with her fingers grabs another bite, and flees, a pastry thief in the night! 

Ramona steals cake

How hilarious! I love Ramona’s decision to eschew manners, openly mocking such a ludicrous event. I’m just glad the cake wasn’t made of chicken liver paté since that’s what dogs eat, but this wasn’t really about dogs at all, so… When all else fails to be amusing, we’ll always have Ramona sticking her fingers in someone else’s cake, then scurrying out the door denying that it was her fingers we saw. It’s that Singer-Stinger! 

I should add, I think the doggy wedding could have been cute if it had been a day time event for kids, and done in a cute way. 

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE AND THE DOGGY WEDDING? SHOULD LU AND SONJA PLAN THEIR OWN TRIP? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

 

 

 

 

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