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Real Housewives of New York recap

Well, Luann de Lesseps is flashing the rocks that she got all over Real Housewives Of New York, and try as they may, try as they might, some of these women can’t bite back their bitterness. Awwww! What was it Carole Radziwill said? “These are my friends!” 

Ramona Singer is hosting all the ladies at Mohegan Sun, because everyone needs a little RHONJ in their lives! Since this is a Tru-ReRamona’d, she will not fight over rooms. No more shrieking and streaking through the house, slamming down curling irons to declare her turf. Instead, as the hostess, Ramona simply claimed the best suite and makes everyone else ‘draw cards’ to choose a room. Naturally, Carole and Bethenny Frankel are exempt because they prefer to share. Two monstrous heads are better than one, when it comes to attacking prey, that is!

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Bethenny and Carole complain

Bethenny dons a bathrobe while Carole sits on the side of the bed fanning Bethenny’s delusion and stroking her ego about all the ways Jules Wainstein has wronged them. Because of Dorinda Medley‘s pot stirring, that is! Hey – Dorinda tried to make it nice, but B & C ruined it, so now she’s gonna make it messy! 

Meanwhile Jules‘ disgust of Bethenny has only intensified. At this point, Jules anger is like King Kong, a hairy rage beast growing to epic proportions out of seemingly thin air, doubling over itself until its proportions are just glowing eyes aimed at a target. I believe it’s called projecting, but when dealing with the two-headed monster of Carolenny, you need all the raw fortitude one can get!

Jules is incensed that Bethenny, who runs a company called Skinny Girl, is mocking a legit skinny girl – I mean, duh, aren’t these people her target audience? (No). Jules confides to a newly-sober Sonja Morgan (Sober Sonja just uhhh… doesn’t have the same zest to it, does it?) that she will never EVER trust Bethenny with personal information again, because she expects it be used against her, and for someone who claims to be so knowledgeable about eating disorders, Bethenny’s treatment of Jules is certainly disordered.

Jules vents about Bethenny

Furthermore, Jules has decided it’s not healthy for her to be around Bethenny, yet, Carole is apparently fine so long as there’s the buffer of gambling chips. Sonja, The OVer-Share-a-pist,” crosses her arms and nods, as if all of this is perfectly reasonable, then Jules redirects her wrath at Michael’s wallet over poker chips. The true gamble is if Jules can trust Sonja? 

On the bus, Dorinda led everyone in a rousing drunken rendition of Sweatin With The Menopausies. (I shouldn’t joke – I will so be there someday, sooner than I think!), so they’re ready for dinner! 

So a little-known fact about Dorinda: she used to teach step aerobics. I do believe Ramona was a victim. Dorinda and Jazzercise – never a more a perfect pair shall twix. Dorinda showed the ladies her moves on the party bus, but during dinner Bethenny is able to abandon bleeding all over Manhattan to show off her yoga headstands. In a dress. Because Bethenny must one-up everyone. Constantly.

Bethenny yoga headstand

Bethenny is surprised she’s able to pretzel herself because she tried to pickle herself with a Skinnygirl enema in the form of too many cocktails, but remains only buzzed. Alas, she might as well get along with Sonja and have a nice chat. Especially while Jules is glaring at her from across the table. What a difference a month makes indeed! Fibroids have softened Bethenny if thy name is Sonja, apparently. 

Dear Sonja, I adore you, but please stop being overly-ingratiating to Bethenny and believing yourself to be a second class citizen. Yes, Tipsy Girl is the slightly unscrupulous bastard of Skinnygirl, but that doesn’t mean Bethenny should be allowed to yoga pose all over you. Step up! 

Jules gambling on friendships

Sonja is in a groveling state of mind and it’s distressing to watch. Albeit, less distressing than Jules gambling away and then asking the bar tender if she can blow on his hand for good luck. Dorinda laughs that she’s a Catholic gambler – when she’s up, God condones it; when she loses, Oh, God – the guilt!

Then it’s back in the city with miraculously no hard feelings and that whole Luann issue to contend with. When Luann was merely dating Tom, all the women mocked her protestations the they were tying the knot, but now with a canary diamond singing ‘Money Can’t By You Class’ sweetly from her finger, it’s impossible to ignore. I dunno – maybe Ramona drank some ‘make nice’ juice, but she’s decided to throw Luann an engagement party. 

Ramona has been text, text, and texting Luann to no avail, because well, Luann is in Vail – skiing with Tom! This is quite interesting: Ramona accused Luann of morphing back into the Countess. Ramona was the caboose to Bethenny and Carole’s ‘We Hate Luann’ Express (actually the way that train was chugging and slugging, it was more of a choo choo), yet now Ramona wants to be in charge of celebrating Luann’s engagement? These two have a tricky friendship to be sure, but Luann is right to be suspicious. She doesn’t return Ramona’s texts, so Ramona takes it one step farther by TEXTING TOM, and claiming it is VERYVERYVERY important that Ramona speak to Lu – NOW! Did Ramona have a hair extension emergency she needed rescuing from? (Yes, but that’s another story). 

Sonja is shocked Ramona texted Tom

Ramona shares this information with Sonja, while shopping. It’s a good thing Sonja was wearing an enormous hat because her eyebrows rose and up and up until inside the hat was the only pace left to go. Or maybe the hat was to catch Sonja’s brain exploding. I have to say with Sober Sonja. All her self-deprecating funnies (like joking about ‘smokey eye, updo, G’staad when it comes to her very chic reversible shearling) just land so smoothly, but on the other hand a Sober Sonja has much rawer emotions.

Sonja is aghast by Ramona’s Tom Texting social gaffe. Even if Luann is no longer The Countess, etiquette still counts! Too bad Ramona already SENT the text! Sonja shuffles right over, whipping her reading glasses on lightening fast, to gawk at Ramona’s phone. Tom replied saying when Luann was good and ready, she’d reply. (It was nicer than that). I love Ramonja! Also, I wonder if Ramona DID sneak right out of that store wearing the lamb vest?!

Ramona is causing shit, and Jules is trying to make Rio do the same – although on the potty, not amongst her friend group. Jules hired potty training expert and delights in telling us that A) it cost $2,000 and B) Jules cannot potty train Rio herself because when she potty trained her son there were lots of accidents. Hmmm… yes? Unfortunately it appears Jules needs the potty training expert herself, because she’s confused about the very basics. 

Luann is in Vail, but Bethenny is heading to Aspen with Bryn. Since Bethenny has money now she’s buying Bryn’s love with a fancier childhood full of ski school and cute outfits. Bethenny’s assistant reminds her of fibroids – lest we forget! –  and that she shouldn’t be traveling in high altitudes. Bethenny is not worried because Bryn knows that mommy pees blood. Also, despite peeing blood mommy wears white pants! 

Also, Bethenny will have plenty of time to rest on this so-called bonding vacation because Bryn will be in ski school from 8-3, then to bed right after dinner. What exactly is the point of going on vacation to connect with your kid, if you’re just shoving her in daycare there? I hope that in disorienting high altitudes Bethenny manages to tell the difference between her snow pants and Bryn’s. Also, how sad that all the people counseling Bethenny through her life are her employees (this includes Carole!). 

After Ramona’s Tom Texting, she meets Dorinda for lunch. Dorinda is wearing something that was popular among my mom’s friend group in the 80’s – and if that white turtleneck was actually a dickie, Dorinda Medley is my hero for all time. Ramona arrives wearing mesh and fur. Maybe that shirt doubles as a net and that’s how she catches all her poor men?

Ramona complains that Luann won’t return her calls, so Dorinda explains Luann is suspicious of Ramona’s sudden loving feelings. Dorinda usurps engagement party planning and decides it will be a small affair with just the ladies, a larger party to follow when things are um…. shall we say, smoother. Ramona is suddenly furious at Luann for holding a grudge when they were supposed to be fine, and not respecting her good efforts. Because one should always overlook Ramona’s constant badmouthing of them once a pinot-oology is proffered, and when Ramona wants to throw a party. (I do think Ramona had/has valid concerns about Luann’s “Wham, Bam, Engaged Ma’am” relationship, but she went about it the wrong way, as always!). 

While Luann is racing to the altar, Carole and Adam are struggling through parenting Baby while working on their book proposal. Carole’s agent likes the concept, but has concerns about where Carole and Adam will be in a year, when such book would be published. Carole is miffed – even if they do break up, they’re both totally adults and will still promote the book together. First, it seems they have to figure out how to work together, though!

Carole decides out of all their friends, she and Adam have the most stable and happy relationship – Look at Dorinda! Look at Luann! Look at Jules! Look at Ramona and Mario! – but to put their happiness to a full-proof test she decides on the count of three she and Adam will both announce their happiness on a scale of 1-to-1o. Carole blurts out 8. After hearing her answer Adam hesitates then reluctantly says 10. “Now I don’t believe you,” scoffs Carole. Does this guy ever talk? It always seems like Carole is talking and Adam is just smiling awkwardly and avocationally agreeing. 

Finally, it is Luann’s party! Ramona arrives first to the restaurant Sonja dislikes, because she associates it with bad memories of that time Bethenny’s hatred of her almost cost her a RHONY contract. Thank goodness that’s over because Sonja just LOVE LOVE LOVEs Bethenny and their friendship is just so fun. They just understand each other, like Sonja knows that she must always let Beth win and be the funniest and the funnest and make endless jokes at her expense. Or maybe Sonja’s chat with Jules about The Tao Of The Bethenny made her have a realization or two?

Dorinda breaks up the anticipation of how everyone will react to Luann’s engagement by announcing a cast trip to Hawaii and handing out leis. Which was adorable. What exactly DID RHONY do without Dorinda? 

We were all surprised to see Carole there, looking absolutely lovely, and freed of Bethenny’s crutches, behaving lovely too. Carole – why’d you change, we liked you the way you were!

rhony-luann-ring

Luann emerges – euphoric, floating above all the snootiness and nastiness and bad gossip which she crushes under her heels and moves through ethereally and without any dust collecting on her gorgeous ring. Even though Sonja snarks that Luann’s murky diamond is nothing compared the flawless fancy she herself has in a safe somewhere (on a yacht w P.Diddy and a smokey eye?).

Sonja reacts to Luann's ring

Poor Sonja – she is having so many troubles accepting that her one-time hussy cohort, the Patsy to her Edina, is now moving on. Leaving Sonja alone in a pool of juices, left behind in the musty townhouse of former happiness, her glow washed away by one too many plumbing mishaps and disappearing suitors. As Luann regales them all with Tom’s proposal, and her happiness shines like a beacon of hope for these single ladies of a certain age, stuck with the Johns of the world, Sonja looks down and tries not to cry. She keeps a stiff upper lip, if only because of Botox, but Sonja seems to be confusing the confessional for therapy, when she admits how hard this is for her. 

Ramona bounces back from everything, floating on her delusional hubris amid a sea of pinot, deciding Luann is just desperate to get married – to anyone – and is more excited about the wedding than the man. And Tom, well, he must be duped! Dorinda seems genuinely happy no matter what happens, because Dorinda has been through deep trenches and knows about relationships that make no sense to others, but work for your own mental state.

Carole and Luann reconnect

Carole has softened somehow. She hands Luann a gift – a little crystal heart – which was sweet in a kind of like trinkety way, but what a change of heart she’s had, huh? Murky diamond ring or not, it cleared things right up for Carole! Maybe Carole realized that sometimes in matters of the heart whether it be family, friends, or romance, people don’t always react in the right way. So, for now, as Luann makes a toast genuinely appreciating the ladies, and even Ramona isn’t dimmed by Luann chastising her for interrupting – everyone is happy. But then Bethenny will come back and burst everyone’s bubble by being a bitch. SO, yuck for that. She needs to be given that crystal heart – to replace the one of stone inside her chest. 

TELL US – IS RAMONA GENUINE IN SUPPORTING LUANN’S ENGAGEMENT? IS JULES RIGHT TO NOT TRUST BETHANY? IS DORINDA STIRRING THE POT?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]