stassi schroeder and boyfriend patrick

Happy Closer to the Weekend, dear readers! You all owe me a great big thank you! For what, you ask? I basically just transcribed thirty-seven minutes of dialogue from Stassi Schroeder’s most recent Ask Stassi podcast. That means I basically gave you thirty-seven minutes extra in your life. The usually biting Bravolebrity was showing a softer side while standing strong in her decision to call it quits with her long-time boyfriend Patrick. Accompanied by her twenty-one year old sister Georgi, Stassi cried and opened up about her broken heart. Oh, and she said “like” like a lot. Like don’t make it a drinking game to take a shot every time you hear her say it because you’d be dead three minutes into the podcast. Let’s get to it, shall we? 

The Vanderpump Rules star begins, “I’ve been trying to find the will to do this podcast because I’m just sad, and I really don’t have anything to say that’s just uplifting. I’m going to talk about myself and what I’m going through… I’m going to to do a reverse Ask Stassi podcast because I’m the one who needs advice and help now, like somebody, like, throw me some meds,” before transcending the podcast, saying, “I just felt like if I’m going really talk about things, I can’t just do the podcast by myself. Like I just can’t do an alone podcast and like talk to a wall and want to kill myself because, like, I actually like feel like I want to kill myself.”


Stassi’s sister joins the teary reality star. Georgi has recently turned 21, and she’s been in a happy four-year relationship with a Berkeley student who Stassi describes as “studying shit and being smart and stuff.” Georgi is ready to marry this scholar, but Stassi (rightfully, I’d say) advises her that she has plenty of time for marriage. Georgi needs to learn who she is as an individual. Stassi opines, “As you grow and as days go by and time goes on, you change. Not just you, everyone. You change what you want to do, even on a day to day basis. Your routines change, your preferences change, your goals change. Like, two years ago I just wanted to be a housewife and right now I feel the opposite….My point is people change and it’s very hard to change with people all the time.”

To differentiate the conscious uncoupling from the dozens of splits the duo has had in the past, Stassi announced it on Twitter. She reveals she was tired of the constant break ups and make ups, and she felt that putting it on social media would hold her accountable to be alone for a while. I totally get her point, but gracious, she’s hard to transcribe! She recalls, “So I dropped a bomb on Twitter…this podcast is going to be like word vomit, stream of consciousness because I’m going to blow my brains out at any moment,” adding, “I have to do something to make this official. It’s embarrassing – I’m not normally one to write my personal shit out on Twitter, that’s why I’m on a reality show and have a podcast. I just hate it. But I put it on Twitter because I was just so angry and I wanted to not be in limbo.”

Doing her podcast, Stassi has had the opportunity to dole out advice to her listeners, and now she feels like the tables have turned. While it feels weird to her to air her personal stories, she feels she has a duty to everyone who has ever looked to her for support. She continues, “This is what’s making me really sad. I really love Patrick, and I’m in love with Patrick, and I think he’s a wonderful person. He’s funny and smart and everything I would want in a person, but we can’t get it together. We don’t not fight,” sharing that their arguments start small but have a common theme, “He thinks I’m selfish, I think he’s judgmental. Then it just escalates…I’m trying to remember why it was the best decision for us to break up. We argue all the time…I feel like I’m exposing myself by giving too many details. I feel like I’m word vomiting all over the place…it’s not about getting rid of Patrick, it’s about getting rid of this routine. We fight all the time.”

When Georgi questions Patrick’s take on this emotional revelation, Stassi responds that the pair hasn’t spoken since the break up, and he has no clue she is talking about him on this podcast. She asserts, “I’m embarrassed. I just realized it in my head. I came to an ‘aha’ moment. I tweeted it because I think I deserve and he deserves a relationship more than whether people wonder if we’re together or apart. We deserve something stable and steady, and it’s not ever like that…My heart can’t take something unstable anymore.”

It’s a big deal for Stassi to be open in the public about how she’s feeling, and she worries she’ll regret it. Her sister reminds her of the positive things in her life and how much Stassi has going for her with her career, family, and friends. Georgi wants Stassi and Patrick to work out, but on the flip side, she hopes the pair will be friends. Stassi laughs sarcastically that she will never be the girl who can be friends with an ex. Georgi tries to placate Stassi by saying her own relationship has issues. She fights with her perfect boyfriend…they aren’t as great as they seem on the outside. I’m granted a reprieve when Stassi takes a break to highlight her podcast sponsors.

Stassi then discusses supportive e-mails from fans that have helped her feel a little bit better. Stassi reads a message from a listener, “She says I need to focus on what I want to be in the next five years, you know what I mean? That stuck with me so much. All of the energy that I put into thinking about my relationship and the fighting and getting back together, and the conversations and the discussions and the heartache and the stress – if I put that energy into making my dreams come true, or making my life what I want it to be, maybe I’d have that murder house. Once I’m done throwing myself a pity party, I’m ready to get my life on track.” She’s appreciative of all of the wonderful advice she’s gotten from listeners. Wait, did she just say she wants a murder house??

After much diatribe, Stassi shames Georgi for being late to the game (pardon the pun) with the Game of Thrones bandwagon. Stassi chastises her sister for never listening to her podcast. Guess what? Georgi has never watched an episode of Vanderpump Rules either because she hates the image her sister has garnered as the mean girl, when she’s really a great girl. Georgi has deleted a lot of her social media after seeing the crap her sister gets regarding the show, so why would she want to watch? Stassi concurs, musing, “I feel so weird and selfish right now…I feel crazy, like one minute I’m able to laugh and be happy and the next I’m curled up in the fetal position crying in a public bathroom…I feel crazy for talking about it in such a public sphere. Did you know I tweeted also that I feel like I’m able to go, like, 2013 Amanda Bynes crazy? And do you know what? I didn’t know this until today, but she [Amanda Bynes, presumably] wrote back. She has a new Twitter handle, and she wrote back, ‘Like what do you feed fish? Bait?'”

Amanda Bynes greatest acting accomplishments and an umbrella wielding, shaved head Britney Spears references are tossed around before Stassi transforms into a Patrick hater. She now loathes him times 79. This break up is different from the past because she thinks they both mean it this time. She is trying to be a strong independent twenty-eight year old woman, and she can’t settle for their constant up and down pattern. She hedges, “It’s not about settling with him. No one would be settling with him because he’s a great man. It’s about settling for the way that we are together. I just can’t settle for that. If I’m having this pattern with him now, and it’s been like this for a very long time, what it’s going to be like in ten years…twenty years? I’m going to go make myself another strawberry margarita and eat some edibles.”

Hey Bravo, can we have a Georgi spin-off? 


Photo Credit: Instagram