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Real Housewives of New York recap

Even though I have to, I don’t really want to discuss the ruminating super drama between Bethenny Frankel and Luann de Lesseps. Instead I’d like to focus on the positive and give a prodigious shout-out to Sonja Tremont Morgan, a lady who has turned over a new leaf and out flew a butterfly. Hats off – designer hats with no repairs, that is – to Sonja for being Real Housewives Of New York‘s class-act last night!

The ladies are all yachting around while talking in circles about Tom. Tom-T-Tom-Tom-TOOOM. Poor Sonja has a harness on her dress to holster in her heart nice and tight. But that thing looks uncomfortable and like her boobs were begging for as much mercy as her poor little broken pitter-patter. Sonja admits to Carole Radziwill and Ramona Singer that, well, maybe she’s a little nervous about seeing Tom because well, maybe, she had deeper feelings for him than she let on, and well, Luann is just not really interested in addressing this. Furthermore, Sonja had no idea that Lu knew she and Tom were a thing. 

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Sonja steps into her big girl panties – the ones Tom has never, ever seen – and decides to handle this with “diplomacy.” After all, she and Tom are adults, and as Carole pointed out, in another era they would be considered lovers. Mature, genteel, elegant – all that jazz. For now Sonja agrees to be the bit player, the chorus girl in the BL Review, but Ramona – no way Jose, Dick, Harry, and Tom! Ramona will make sure Tom, and everyone else at the party, feels the power of the Singer Stinger shaking its booty. 

Real Housewives of New York recap

Meanwhile Luann is swanning around in a white dress, smooching all over Tom, and practically levitating with her euphoria. Hey guys! Didya hear?! Didya hear?! LUANN AND TOM ARE ENGAGED AND THEY ARE SOUL MATES!

Sonja sighs and collects her wits and heads up to the party. Ramona smirks and storms in – boobs out and agenda arranged. Carole shuffles in behind them, antenna up, transmitting back to the mothership, the BS Bethenny Frankel. 

Sonja at Luann's engagement party

Immediately Sonja is absconded by a handsome man – almost per-arranged – while Ramona zeros in on Tom and slithers right over with Luann on the defense blocking the pass. But Ramona is crafty and wearing a brown dress which perfectly camouflages with the wood paneling. She pokes her head around Luann’s shoulders to snag Tom’s attention. “Ramona…” he sighs, resigning himself to a fate of spending his engagement party with Ramona. 

Now, I understand not wanting to spend what should be a happy occasion with a woman who dances like Elaine from Seinfeld but on meth (TURTLE TIME!!!), who has an infuriating habit of spewing her pinot-pinions like they’re the ordained truths. HOWEVER – do not skinny dip in the a dating pool the size of a birdbath because the birds, well, they all fly south together. 

That, babe, is the optical illusion of your past, past-present, and future all staring you in the face simultaneously. [Shudder]

At least Sonja is behaving, unlike Ramona, who is basically following Tom around the yacht, shimmying and slurring all over, talking too close… it was well, eau de desperate, much? Or maybe that was eau de piss Luann off she was wearing?

Ramona & Tom

Sonja, suddenly demure in manner, occupies herself with a dashing silver fox who just cannot stop complimenting her dazzling accouterments as framed to perfection by that gown. Sonja is miffed that Tom was so standoffish. She expected him to be more loving. OK, Sonja, girl – I love you and I support you and I full stop get how hard this is, but the man who’s engaged to your friend Lu is not gonna be loving towards you when his fiance is standing three nautical knots away. 

Although, at some point, Lu should have thrown SoulmateTom a life preserver where Ramona was concerned! She won’t stop mentioning how they once dated. Tom is so desperate to make Ramona change the subject he tells her she smells like grapefruit. I think he meant to say she’s absolutely bananas.

Carole doesn’t think it’s appropriate for Tom to be sniffing up Ramona’s tree. Ramona diagnoses that both Tom and Luann are insecure and need constant validation from others. “That’s not a good recipe,” clarifies Carole, the would-be cookbook author. 

Jules takes over the bar

Jules Wainstein did nothing but take over the bar and dish out shots, which means it’s time for a toast from Dorinda Medley‘s Drunkey Lookalike Second Cousin. 

Drunk Ramona! TURTLE TIME

Luann and Tom skip off into the sunset, while the other ladies head below deck to vent about the many unexplained things. Odd considering the man’s been so thoroughly examined from all angles by so many women in such close proximity. They all agree, Luann seems happy. Truly, genuinely, obliviously happy.

So oblivious that Class with the Countess has been thrown out to sea! Like when Sonja sincerely expressed how she’s happy for her friend Lu, and Luann tactlessly shrieked in her face, “I’M GETTING MARRIED!” WE. GET. IT. But does Tom?

Luann gushes that it was a great party, as proven because no one fought. The following morning made up for lost time. There were fights before coffee, and the best part of waking up is NOT Ramona telling you to shut up! 

But first it’s only Jules who’s awake and cognizant. Unfortunately cognizant of the fact that Michael hasn’t been home with the kids at all since she left so they’re being shuttled to his parents house, then left alone with the nanny who has NO IDEA where Michael even is! She tells Jules he’s in the Hamptons, maybe, but when Jules calls Michael he insists he’s in NYC, like it’s obvious. He tries to lie about his whereabouts and schedule, but Jules busted him. She held it together, because I would be morphing through that FaceTime to rip my husband’s non-virtual face off. Jules is distraught and disappointed – she should just pull a Ramona-In-The-Berkshires-Past and make up a story about how oceans remind her of a tragic childhood experience with My Little Ponies, then charter a magical plane to whisk her away before she starts talking to life jackets. 

Ramona & Tom's past

Below deck, Dorinda commandeers Carole for the skinny on the Luann/Tom/Sonja/Ramona dating menage a quatra. Dorinda, oh Dorinda – she just wants to get the story clear. Know the facts. Because she cares. Ramona is called in, wearing another in her series of the most UNFLATTERING swimsuits EVER (plus I think her implants are horrendous), to explain her Tomlationship. Just so we’re clear. 

  • Ramona first met Tom when she was Mrs. Singer, but she threw herself – flirtily! innocently! – at him nonetheless. (Flashback By Bravo provided here).  
  • Years later, they reconnected at The Regency, where he picked her up over drinks. 
  • The very next night, they did dinner! With his finger he drew a heart on her leg and wrote TD + RS. Ramona was quite certain that meant serious business. Serious enough for backgammon!
  • Yes, one fine evening she went to his apartment to play said backgammon. I’m guessing something happened on her back, anyway!
  • Ramona insists they had 4 or 5 dates, yet Tom says 1 or 2. We should all believe Ramona, because Pinot Lips never, ever tells a lie. Carole can vouch for this! Yeah, and George Washington didn’t chop down that cherry tree (OK, maybe he didn’t, but legend tell me he does. And legend also tells me that Ramona P. Singer has TOLD LIES – LIKE LYING TO ESCAPE THE BERKSHIRES WHEN SHE INVOLVED CAROLE). 

Not five seconds after learning this, Dorinda scurries up for breakfast and UNSOLICITEDLY informs Luann that Ramona was talking about Tom – again! Lu storms below deck and confronts Ramona, who unfortunately is ensconced in Sonja’s bed, bemoaning how Luann is the cause of Sonja’s broken heart. 

Ramona consoles Sonja

Sonja was hibernating with her Netflix (so endearing) when Ramona barged in wearing that awful swimsuit with the mesh wrap, and prods Sonja about how she’s doing post-engagement party. Sonja admits she’s taking it harder than she imagined, but as Luann’s friend, she’s backing off. Well, look at Sonja getting all emotional intelligent on us.

Despite Sonja‘s snippy comment about the party being filled with sub-par people, especially the dashing Silver Fox who gave her the sinking feeling that his bank account possesses less money than even hers. Did she see something of her station is his: in the overly preserved khakis, the calculated dressing to hide the natty parts, the thrice resoled shoes, and the pricey accessories to mask the TJ Maxx polo? Despite, Sonja is still trying to rise above the nonsense. Because BL + BT = BS.

While Ramona was pseudo comforting Sonja, Luann stomps in, demanding Ramona get Tom’s name out of her mouth and calls her a “jealous bitch!” Ramona leaps up screaming at Luann for ruining her reputation by perpetuating stories to the press about Ramona dating “the dude,” as he will henceforth be known, since gentleman he is not! Luann threatens to throw Ramona overboard. 

Ramona and Luann argue over Tom and The press

Ramona whips out the newspaper article to illustrate Luann’s perpetuation. Yes – she brought the perpetuating offense with her, nestled gently between her precious bang curler and the flowby, wrapped in macrame, and cozied into the unbreakable emergency pinot glass. Ramona shrieks that Luann is the bitch because she not only perpetuated but misidentified Ramona as the “Friend With Benefits,” while Sonja was vanity labeled as the ex-date. Sonja yanks on her reading glasses and pours through the article, while Ramona and Luann argue on her bed. 

In the Berkshires, didn’t Ramona accuse Luann of knowing she and Tom dated because it was in the press? Now Ramona doesn’t want it known in the press because Ramona is discreet about her dating life. Yes, the woman thrusting her pelvis in a mesh skirt is the true definition of discreet. Also, some friend Ramona is – she’s fine with SONJA looking skanky, but blessed perfect Pinot Princess must look pristine and virginal as uncorked wine.

Ramona stomps upstairs to gloat about calling Luann a bitch. Dorinda shrugs, admitting she stirred the pot, but isn’t ashamed. Sonja sighs because, once again, this isn’t the time to discuss her emotional state, so she just listens to Luann griping, while gingerly holding the contemptible news article.

Luann defends her relationship

When Luann emerges above deck she demands an apology from Ramona for speaking Tom’s name and accusing her of lying to the press. In exchange, Lu apologizes for yelling. Ramona is willing to concede on the yelling apology only. Ramona’s reputation is her everything, you know! They squabble until they dock, Dorinda still stuffing eggs in her mouth, and then drive to Miami where Bethenny and her bloody vagina monologues are waiting. 

If Bethenny is bleeding all over creation – why is she in a bikini?! Wouldn’t that just NOT be a good idea? Something’s fishy… (and it ain’t just Tom!) 

Carole calls Bethenny from the car, and Bethenny hints at the salacious information. “That sounds ominous,” Carole muses. Bethenny probes into how Luann and Tom were acting: Did it seem sincere, was Luann happy? Carole admits Luann’s over-the-moonness is no facade.  

At the hotel, there is the usual rigamarole about who beds where and with whom (Option Tom not available!), and once again Sonja and Ramona are in close quarters with Ramona using her underhanded tactics to make sure they procure the best room. 

Real Housewives of New York recap

Luann accidentally walks into Bethenny’s room. From there Bethenny awkwardly pries into the nature of Luann and Tom’s romance. Is Lu sure? Is this an open relationship, like she had with Alex? Is it monogamous? Luann laughs that OF COURSE they’re monogamous – they just got engaged. But, unsettled, she goes to Jules‘ and Dorinda‘s room and confides in Jules that Bethenny is behaving strangely. Not angry, not accusatory… just odd.

Carole and Ramona check in on Bethenny to discuss – you guessed it: Luann and Tom. After discerning that Luann believes this relationship is very -very real – and there’s no “European arrangement,” Bethenny reveals that Tom was caught making out with a Playboy bunny for over an hour at The Regency bar. “His place,” gapes Ramona. They were super drunk and didn’t even seem to care who may see. Unfortunately. Bethenny has indisputable proof in the form of photos, but she refuses to tell who her source is.

Ramona reacts to Bethenny's news about Luann and Tom

Ramona is gobsmacked and upset for Luann. She doesn’t want to know this dirty information. All the mud she’s slung and shit she’s talked – this is too Machiavellian even for her. Carole even seems saddened to know Luann’s happily ever after may not happen. Bethenny wants to tell Luann right away and dispatches Minion-Mona to get her. Ramona is about to follow through when Bethenny abruptly withdraws.

Bethenny is at a cross-roads: Should Luann know? Bethenny would want to know. Ramona doesn’t think Bethenny should share; Carole is conflicted, but Bethenny decides she has to tell. She must. Information is power and it’s also a bomb!

It’s a tricky situation, for sure! Although I do think Bethenny needs to inform Luann, I don’t think her heart is in the right place, and it doesn’t seem like she’s that conflicted about how much it may hurt Luann and her life. Also Tom is scum.  

(P.S. Did Luann and The Count actually have an open marriage? Didn’t he leave her for another woman? I always thought Ramona made that up? Or they were only ‘open’ once separated?)

TELL US – SHOULD BETHENNY TELL LUANN? DID SONJA HANDLE HERSELF WITH DIGNITY DURING THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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