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Real Housewives of New Jersey recap

Siggy Flicker may be Real Housewives Of New Jersey‘s resident (self-appointed) relationship expert, but I’m questioning her sanity and her advice. I mean for all this tawk about soldiers, she’s sure turned into one of Jacqueline Laurita‘s right quick! Jacqueline’s bite is just as scary as her bark, so I get it.

As Dolores Catania warns, Siggy better stop throwing salami and provolone into the pen because when she runs out the Jacqocerous is going to get very angry and chomp her hand.

Honestly, Dolores is far more capable as a relationship expert when it comes to the chaos of Jersey than Siggy.

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The ladies slowly trickled home from Vermont, licking their wounds, which amounted to some wrinkles around the eye and a scuffed Louboutin, and realized that unlike their shoes or their faces their ‘group’ – the Fantastic Five – couldn’t be Botoxed or buffed into prettiness again. They were officially kaput. And whose fault was that? Why Jacqueline’s of course! Depending on who you ask. Siggy is having a very difficult time accepting this reality.

Melissa Gorga and Teresa Giudice are considerably less fazed by Jacqueline’s nonsense – because A) they’ve been there before, and B) Teresa has Joe’s very impending prison departure happening in a few days.

Siggy is a mess after Vermont

After crying in bed for four days, Siggy visits Dolores, who has some new developments of her own – her kitchen is almost completed (and looks like the best of a Home Depot showroom) and her gym is making money. In her future, Dolores sees financial freedom from Frank – finally – and it feels so good. After decades being shackled to his bank account as the indentured ex-wife, she has taken the leg lifts towards independence.

Of course Dolores‘ progress is all over-shadowed by Siggy having a huge meltdown about Jacqueline being mad at them for not having her back enough in Vermont. Dolores notes that Siggy has no idea how these girls roll, being that she’s “stuck in the petting zoo” when everyone else was throwing food in the “Do Not Feed section.” I mean, do we need to insult majestic animals like this?

Siggy “feels” Jacqueline is mad at them because she didn’t respond to a text when they usually talk on the phone for an hour per day (!?!?!?!). This breaks Siggy’s heart, but also infuriates her. Dolores is impassive – her heart is as hard as granite and she’s been around this block time and time again. She accepts that Jacqueline and Teresa’s friendship ended that night on the deck because neither one of them will ever admit that they’re wrong.

Melissa confronts Derek at Envy

Over at ENVY, Melissa is trying to figure out why her mannequin is a stripper at Lookers whore, why their online sales are 0, and whether or not Derek, her manager, was scheming to expose Teresa as a tax-evading thief while paying his rent selling stories about her! Melissa half-heartedly confronts him but he insists he’s only ever said nice things. That’s good enough for Melissa – she has the ENVY fashion show to worry about so she she can run Kim D out of town once and for all. Posche this, bitch!

Meanwhile at Jacqueline’s house, she’s wearing jeans so tight she can barely sit down and sulking over Teresa and Melissa. Dolores and Siggy are expected so Siggy can grovel for forgiveness over some non-existent reason. While waiting eons for Jacqueline to quit watching the geese in her backyard and open the door, they do butt squats on her stoop.

They all meet on the deck with Chris and Ashlee standing guard – I’m not sure if it was to restrain Jac if need be, or to protect her. Siggy literally bursts into tears and sobs harder when Jacqueline insists she will never, ever, like ever, be friends with Teresa and Melissa again. YEAH RIGHT. Perhaps Siggy was so distraught because this meeting took place on THE infamous back deck – where lifelong friendships go to die and Jacqueline’s maturity stunts and withers like a potted plant left out in the winter. At least this time Caroline didn’t show up glaring over a Starbuck’s!

Siggy is Jacqueline's loyal soldier

To prove her loyalties, Siggy decides she won’t attend Melissa or Kim D‘s fashion shows, but she will go to the launch of Jacqueline’s popcorn. The whole time I’m pretty sure Dolores played Candy Crush on her phone.

Of all the things that happened in Vermont, Jacqueline is most livid and affronted that Teresa and Melissa would accuse her of having any role in Stripper-gate when she was Melissa’s humble and earnest protector. Jacqueline has always had Melissa’s back, but then Melissa turned on her. It does the beg the question, the age-old, eternal, never-ending question: how did Jacqueline know so much if she had no inkling of what would go down?

I’m confused – Jacqueline screamed, name-called, and insulted everyone in Vermont, yet Melissa is to blame for refusing to take another long and winding trip down memory lane with Jacqueline’s finger pointed in her face? Is Siggy smoking Jacqueline’s twitter and popcorn-flavored crack?

Another legit question – does Chris ever go to work? Ashlee? Or do they all just sit at home placating Jacqueline’s tantrums while eating salami and popcorn?

After deciding where her loyalties lie, Siggy goes to meet Melissa for coffee and let her know that Jacqueline is her more bestest friend. Jacqueline’s immaturity is obviously catching.

Kim D spreads gossip at the Posche Fashion Show

Meanwhile, Jacqueline and Dolores trot over to the Posche Fashion Show. Without Teresa, Melissa, or Danielle Staub there, there was only Kim D to squeeze the drama from the sequins and lace she calls ‘fashion’. And try her damnedest she does by heavily insinuating that Juicy cheated on an imprisoned Teresa with some blonde and then “a lotta brunettes.”

Jacqueline

Dolores does not take the bait and kinda shrugs and rolls her eyes. If she wouldn’t have been there, Jacqueline would have been ALL OVER exposing that mess, lapping up the details like they were made of solid gold, but instead she pretends to be above it as she sips her champagne and claps for the Russian Mail Order Bride costumes scampering down the old sheet thrown in the middle of the floor. Jacqueline did make sure to have Kim D exonerate her from any involvement in stripper-gate, though!

Siggy buys a cup of coffee with a $100 bill – cause that’s how she rolls; keeping it 100! – and then confesses to Melissa that she’s skipping the ENVY fashion show.

Melissa is rightly pissed and reminds Siggy that it was JACQUELINE screaming at her in Vermont, and JACQUELINE who was screaming criminal and nose job across a restaurant. At least Melissa finally admitted that the “worst-kept secret” in Jersey is true: Yes, she had a nose job (or 4)!

In a strange moment, Siggy admits she initially thought Melissa was fake and phony. Little antenna poke out of Melissa’s hair as she wonders just where that opinion formed. As Siggy flustered through explaining that Melissa was ‘distant’ when they first met, it dawns on Melissa that Jacqueline has probably been talking shit about her for many moons above her back deck.

It is a shocking and stupefying day when Melissa makes salient points, but here she did. Perhaps getting a j-o-b and using that brain muscle for something other than scheming to become more famous has done her body good? Melissa informs Siggy how ridiculous it is that she’s skipping the ENVY show out of loyalty to Jacqueline because even if Jacqueline has no interest in a friendship with Melissa she was the one hurtling unprovoked low-blows! “Just watch your back,” Melissa warns Siggy, “because nobody gets a free pass with Jacqueline.”

Melissa breaks down Jacqueline's drama

Since Jacqueline is still living in the past, the reason she’s cutting her ME-lissa Tumors out is because Melissa hesitated to answer over strippergate. Defending herself to Siggy, Melissa wonders how she would react to Jacqueline’s fingers in her face? And insists Jacqueline warning consisted of letting Melissa know some conversation happened in a salon and Teresa was there. Basically just Jacqueline looking for more credit than she deserves.

Melissa doesn’t want to talk about strippergate anymore. She doesn’t care – she’s so over it she’ll climb the umbrella pole on their picnic table for a few dollars. Why is Jacqueline dredging up something that has been buried for years – like that bondage dress Kim D should have thrown on the funeral pyre. It’s OVER! DONE! Jacqueline can take it to confession or counseling if she’s still so distraught!

Siggy, realizing that blaming Melissa for Jacqueline’s insanity is stupid, reconsiders her position and decides to attend the ENVY fashion show.

While all this was going on, Poison brings Teresa lunch and they discuss how she’s gonna take out the garbage – the literal garbage – while Juicy is locked up. It’s lovely to see them getting along. Even though they may have taken the very, very long way home, under the tunnel of Bravo cameras, I’m glad they made it. I don’t care if Teresa and Melissa are ‘faking it’ til they make it, I like them getting along. I like Teresa humanized, and Melissa too. And I do think Teresa and Poison are definitely genuine. They bring out the best and the worst in each other, as family does, and at this point I want to see the best in all of them.

Teresa discusses Joe going to prison

Teresa needs it and, more importantly, so do her girls. If Jacqueline were ever a real friend, instead of a fake and phony bitch, she would have recognized this is the time to truly put their differences behind them and be supportive of Teresa – not necessarily for Teresa, but for her kids.

Then Siggy, Dolores, Melissa, and Teresa meet for lunch. Given that Bravo is paying, Teresa orders everything off the menu, then leans over to shriek that Jacqueline is a crazy bitch who should be avoided at all costs. Adding that she is also the person who initially brought Kim D around and continues dragging her into things – alluding that Jacqueline and Kim are close and Jacqueline had to have known about strippergate beforehand.

Dolores decides if they’re going to remain friends, Teresa and Melissa aren’t allowed to talk about Jacqueline to them, and vice versa. Siggy shares that she’s gonna attend the ENVY fashion show after all, and Teresa scoffs that she knew Siggy would see the light in the end. Well, at least she’s starting to.

Then Siggy and Dolores go eat mini-popcorn and learn Jacqueline is gonna be a grandmother. Are we seriously expected to believe Ashlee wasn’t pregnant before Pete proposed? Really? Equally ludicrous is Ashlee insisting her baby is gonna be raised “organic” while her face is full of more plastic and fillers than Milania’s Barbie dolls. Mmmmmkay, honey.

Siggy

The other revelation is that Juicy invited Chris to his going away party, and said Jacqueline and the kids are also welcome. Chris is planning to go but Jacqueline has – wisely (shockingly!) – decided to stay home. Later, Dolores warns Chris that he can’t go and has to skip for Jacqueline’s sake. I think Chris has stood by Jacqueline enough! He’s patronized all her outbursts and nonsense. I think the message he NEEDS to send is that he will no longer tolerate Jacqueline’s insanity ostracizing them.

Finally, Dolores escorts Teresa to church, which was just so freaking hilarious! They both wore black fur like good mafia brides widowed to prison, and no, the church didn’t go up in flames when Teresa stepped through the doors.

In the pew, they discussed how their lives as Italians Wives is so different from that of their mothers, and why Teresa is standing by Juicy for eternity. Teresa does note that if Juicy cheated, like Frank did, Teresa would never put up with that. Dolores wisely just smiles, nods, and suggests they pray.

Dolores is smarter than she looks – and really quite savvy at negotiating the trenches of a RHONJ friendship. Girl definitely has her tranquilizer gun loaded in the ‘Do Not Feed’ section. I’m glad we are FINALLY getting to see some of her personality. I see why she’s a good fit now.

TELL US – IS SIGGY JACQUELINE’S SOLDIER? SHOULD CHRIS GO TO JUICY’S PARTY?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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