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90 Day Fiance recap

Chantel and Pedro finally came clean on last night’s 90 Day Fiance. And it went as well as expected…which is to say, not well at all. Meanwhile, Nicole is still playing out her Arabian Nights fantasy with Azan in the deserts of Morocco, but the physical exertion of a single outing on foot is enough to make her pine for the days when she could merely sit on her couch and Skype with Azan from afar.

As for Anfisa and Jorge, they’re still in deep negotiations about the terms and conditions of Anfisa’s stay in the U.S. By the way, Anfisa thinks she can be a model! Jorge of course perpetuates this delusion, hoping that she’ll rake in her own dough so he can stop pretending he has any. Although he draws the line at “distasteful” photos (read: topless). As for the other couples: They are still a depressing mess. (TLC, where do you FIND these people?!?!?)

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As Anfisa Googles “How To Become a Celebrity When You Have No Skills” on Wikipedia, Jorge wonders if he’ll ever be able to make her happy. Then he has a totally unrehearsed idea right out of the blue! <side eye> Maybe he can hook her up with his photographer friend to get some modeling shots taken? Anfisa huffs and puffs about how all of the models on most photographer’s sites “are ugly,” but she’s willing to be passively booked for a session anyway. She asks Jorge if he’s okay with her going topless? Jorge is all, “Over my dead body!” At the sound of this threat, Anfisa’s eyes light up for the first time this season. Cue a future episode of Snapped.

In PA, Narkyia is taking her cousin, friend, and mom out shopping for a bridal gown – even though her groom is still in Nigeria. Now that Lowo’s gotten his K1 visa approved, he can come over to the U.S., but Narkyia wants to get a jump start on this 90-day process. Narkyia’s mother looks lucid and sane enough, but strangely doesn’t talk her daughter out of this absurd quest to marry a man who quite literally CATFISHED her.

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Neither do Narkyia’s friends, instead taking out their frustration on Narkyia’s unfortunate choice in wedding gowns. They don’t like the first one. They don’t trust it. It’s fishy. It’s a liar. This wedding gown will ruin Narkyia’s life!!! Narkyia catches their drift, but wishes she had their support, foolishly demanding that everyone in her life just go along with this deranged plan whether they think it’s a scam or not. (Um, isn’t that what they’re basically doing?) Mom cries a little at seeing her daughter don the third, winning bridal gown, but these may not be tears of joy. These are the tears a mother sheds as she ponders, Where did I go so very wrong?!?

In Morocco, Azan has prepared a “special surprise” for Nicole: A proposal! Right on the heels of a huge fight about Azan’s culture, Azan wants to asks Nicole to marry him. Because that makes total sense. He’s got a diamond ring and single tent set up to do the deed. But first, they must dance around a fire and pretend to be in love. This charade must end! Alas, it does not, as Azan stops the band from playing to do the deed. He tells Nicole he’s sure that he wants her to be his wife. “I cannot live without you,” he says, seemingly in earnest, as he kneels down to pop the question. Nicole cries, then of course says yes.

“Finally, you’re my fiance,” Azan croons once they’re back in the tent. Then it’s time to close the tent curtain so Nicole can molest make love to the man of her dreams. “The question of us getting much sleep tonight is unknown!” Nicole giggles. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Why, Azan? WHYYYYYYY?

Back in KY, Matt, Alla, and Max eat dinner together. Alla’s first few weeks in the U.S. have been tough. She’s seeing what a jealous person Matt is; plus, she’s homesick. Alla Skypes with her sister Iryna back in Ukraine. She wants her to come over for the wedding, but it’s doubtful she’ll obtain a visa. Because they don’t have parents, Alla and Iryna are the only family each other have. Max misses his auntie and cousin too. Alla tears up as she tells her sister how much she wants her here for the wedding. She feels totally isolated.

90 Day Fiance recap

Back in Narkyia’s world, she’s planning her wedding guest invitation list, confirming a venue, and checking over the bridesmaids gowns. Not to mention, getting waxed. No matter that her groom is MIA! He’ll be here soon enough, since he’s a man of his word and all. As Narkyia DIY’s glitter votives for the reception, Lowo calls to deliver some bad news: His visa has been delayed due to paperwork (specifically, a police report) not being in order yet. Hmm. Still no red flags yet, Narkyia? Really? Okay, girl. We’re just going to hang out in this alternate universe with you a while and chill.

Lowo says he needs paperwork from Vietnam, where he was “studying,” before his Nigerian paperwork can be completed. “What are we gonna do about the wedding?” whines Narkyia. Lowo says they’ll have to move the wedding date if things take too long. All of Narkyia’s planning might have been for naught. But hey – at least she has those sweet spray-painted votives to throw at things when the white hot rage of her broken dreams finally settles over her like a plague of locusts. #BrightSide

It’s the day of Anfisa’s soft core porn photo shoot! She brings her best stank face along for the gig, along with her stank attitude. A winning combo. As Anfisa discusses her modeling aspirations, the photographer mildly questions if Anfisa has ever researched anything about the modeling industry in her entire lifetime? Because, uh, she’s too short and too plain to even think about breaking into the biz. But he’s not here to school her on her delusions; he’s here to collect a paycheck. Plus, he doesn’t want to “make her mad.” Seems like photographer dude picked up rather quickly on Anfisa’s murdery vibe, no?

The makeup artist jovially asks Anfisa about her modeling goals too. Print? Television? Commercial? Runway? (Snort!) Anfisa is like, “Yeah.” She has no idea what is happening right now…except that the makeup artist is actually making her look worse than better. If that’s possible?

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Jorge is nervous about Anfisa’s modeling aspirations, noting that it might get her more attention from men. If she starts stepping out on him, “then she’s getting sent back to Russia,” he claims, which is ironic coming from the man who picked Anfisa up based on her online semi-nudes. And who’s willing to pay her any amount of money for the, erm, “services” she provides. Jorge gets more nervous seeing Anfisa strut around in a$$-less lingerie during the shoot, but Anfisa just thinks it’s cute when Jorge gets jealous. “It shows he cares about me,” she deadpans.

Plus, Jorge does have to admit that this is the happiest he’s seen Anfisa since she’s been here. He just ridiculously hopes that Anfisa is in the U.S. for him, not for fame and fortune. I also hope that our presidential election suddenly morphs into a civil, kind-hearted process in which we can all maturely exchange ideas and remain friends. Alas, neither of these dreams seems likely! (At least not in the next 90 days.)

Okay, time to get real in Atlanta! Chantel and Pedro have been lying to Chantel’s parents for long enough. With only SIX DAYS to wed, they’ve got to confess their plans. Pedro will no doubt be thrown squarely under the bus for Chantel’s botched plan, even though she is the one who masterminded this insane fiasco. Chantel also immaturely wants Pedro – of the broken English – to do all of the explaining when the time comes. My lord, this chick needs to grow the F up.

As they gather with Chantel’s parents and brother after basketball later, Pedro tries his best to explain, but can’t. Chantel finally steps up to admit the truth: Pedro is here on a K1 “fiance” visa, and they have to get married on Thursday. Chantel’s parents are all, “This Thursday?!” Pedro explains that he needs to change his status from immigrant to married (citizen? what is the term here?) or he’ll have to return to the Dominican Republic.

Chantel’s dad wonders why they didn’t mention this 90-day plan, say, 90 days ago? Or 50 days ago? Chantel’s brother is upset about being lied to. “Why the secrecy?” asks Dad. Chantel didn’t think her family would support her decision, but now she’s given them no chance to even process the decision. In a happy twist, Chantel’s parents are not mad at Pedro. And her mom, though she can’t believe Chantel is dropping this bomb on them, admits she has no choice but to support their decision even if she disagrees with the way it was handled.

Reality slowly dawns on Chantel that lying to her parents for nearly three months might not have been her best move at adulting. She pouts that this moment of revelation is not a celebratory one! As if it could be, given the circumstances that she, alone, created.

90 Day Fiance recap

Regretfully, we are thrust back into Nicole and Azan’s desert tent of shame before the episode wraps so we can hear Nicole sigh again about how “this doesn’t feel real!” As they lie on their sides looking into each other’s eyes, Nicole says she can’t wait to show off her ring to everyone. Also, they can start the K1 visa process now, which seems to be Azan’s main goal here. Nothing else computes.

The glittery haze of their post-coital bliss wears off quickly though as Azan takes Nicole on a desert hike, which nearly kills her. Like, for real. “I can’t! I can’t!” cries a breathless Nicole, wilting to the ground in near cardiac arrest. Azan scolds her to “stop being lazy and go do some workouts honey!” But Nicole is not about that workout life. She’d rather sit in the sand and look at her ring. Azan knows that Nicole is “not a healthy person,” but he seems to hope that she will somehow change in the next 90 days or so…?

Nicole has no plans of changing, crying, “I’m not a workout person!” as Azan hefts her up from the sand dune. She claims her parents have tried that healthy sh*t on her for years, and it hasn’t worked so far. Azan, Azan, Azan. Ever hear the old adage of believing a person when they show you who they really are? This is the real Nicole. And now, she’s allllllll yours, bro.

TELL US: WILL ANFISA’S MODELING GOALS TRIGGER JORGE TO FINALLY QUESTION HER MOTIVES? CAN CHANTEL AND PEDRO BOUNCE BACK FROM THEIR LIES? IS AZAN CAPABLE OF CHANGING NICOLE? SHOULD NARKYIA JUST CUT BAIT AND RUN? 

Photo Credit: TLC

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