In honor of Halloween, last night’s finale of Real Housewives Of New Jersey was like a twisted fairy tale of modern evil, the moral being that sometimes the wrong witch gets pushed into an oven, while the other escapes on foot through the forest hoping the evil doesn’t catch up with her.
Siggy Flicker tried to reunify the group, but lunch didn’t even get served before the ladies were fleeing the coop in various states of undress. Only on Bravo do ‘ladies who lunch’ turn into ladies
of the night who run Louboutin-less through a parking lot, stalking like zombies after the brainless one who got away. And over the railroad tracks to Jacqueline Laurita‘s asylum they go!
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Jacqueline sure turned off her pleasant disposition as quickly as she turned off her husky laryngitis, didn’t she? I don’t really like to give Teresa Giudice much credit, (Oh boy, do I not! Because she will probably max that credit out, then refuse to pay the outstanding bill), but credit where credit is due: she read the play-by-play on Jacqueline’s antics like it was a Sweet Valley High Book. Poor Siggy thought the story was Amelia Bedila!
But first the Envy Fashion show. Well, Melissa Gorga managed to get the girls down the runway in a plethora of looks that were very cute. The real drama was backstage – and I don’t mean her pre-catwalk panic attack – I mean between Jacqueline and everyone. Jacqueline who wasn’t even there!
Dolores Catania is angry. Jacqueline is telling everyone Dolores set her up because she called to check if she was coming to the gym event. Apparently Dolores knew Jacqueline was sick but was trying to make her look bad?
Of all the stupid reasons to start a fight… Dolores had the right reaction: “F–K Yooooooou.” Too bad Dolores didn’t stick to that position! Teresa did. She’s been burned too many times holding her feet to Jacqueline’s friendly fires.
At the fashion show Teresa was so flustered by Joe leaving and her mission to tell the world Jacqueline is evil, she forgot her pants and deigned to speak to Kathy Wakile. She even tepidly touched Richie, but then recoiled as if she felt a cootie jump to her cooter (Cause good lord – that skirt was SO SHORT).
Poor Kathy – she made her bed with Jacqueline and now must lie in it alone.
Speaking of beds, Jacqueline is soooo sick she can’t get out of hers, but she can still manage to have a full-face of makeup and rasp shit about her bad friends! Or at least, Chris can do the talking for her. Jacqueline’s lone remaining soldier…
After ENVY, Melissa and Poison take inventory of their lives and start counting their crumbs. Poison is overjoyed to realize they have enough to bake a whole cake! So let them eat cake indeed – or zabaglione.
Poison finally experiences his own feminist awakening and recognizes a man’s place is in the kitchen. He straps on an apron that reads #ImWithHer to inject a few pieces of chicken with his wine sauce and surprises Melissa with dinner. Then proving masculinity is not dead, he struggles to hoist her up the stairs, over the threshold of financial independence.
Some people can take the heat in the kitchen, and some people take their espresso bitter in a kitchen they soon may have to sell. Staring longingly at a framed copy of her first cookbook Skinny Italian, Teresa admits to her attorney that she’ll probably sell the mansion where all her dreams chipped away like discount marble. All that’s left are the crumbs… and they can’t sustain her four beautiful dawters.
Hasn’t Teresa been trying to unsuccessfully unload this behemoth for years? And, yes, TIME TO LET-GO. Move on. Maybe Teresa should just move in with Joe and Melissa – they’ve got the space, and what a spinoff that could be!
Also moving on, is Dolores. She takes the ever-swarthy Frank out to lunch to let him know she’ll no longer be requiring him to fulfill her bank accounts needs. As Frank’s orange-pink face collapses into his salad with despair, Dolores reassures him that she’ll always need him emotionally. I like Frank. He’s a good ogre. Like Shrek. He’s sweet and loves Dolores, and wishes she’d take him back. He’s a helluva a lot better than Richie who needs a little miss-education from Poison on how to respect women!
At Dolores‘ re-done house, she and Siggy introduce their moms to each other. Siggy’s mom is the Jewish version of Dolores’ Italian mom, so it’s Matzo Ball soup and meatballs for all. Which makes that meal like 1/16th Italian, right? Siggy shares stories of the time she played like Teresa and stole things for attention, but unlike Teresa the judge sensed she wasn’t really a crook and let her go. Also she was like 16, soooo… Siggy’s mom sighs that she’s always had issues. Siggy agrees but promises she’s working on her perfect. Does that plan include anti-psychotics?
Somehow Siggy has concocted a scheme that Jacqueline cannot be ostracized from the group, even though Jacqueline, lying in fetal-position wearing her victim crown with her iPhone as her scepter of defense, loves being ostracized. As Teresa says, she never leaves her house!
Teresa and Melissa see right through this nonsense, but Siggy, in many ways cannot accept reality. It’s a side-effect from attending the Dr. Phil School of Psychologizing, which is where she obtained her PH Balance in relation-shitting 101. How funny were her iPhone typos when she was trying to send that message begging Jacq to do lunch?
Lunch was supposed to be at Siggy’s house, but then Teresa wondered if she had insurance, which got Siggy thinking that she’d just installed new carpeting or something, so she’d better just let a restaurant handle it. She did helpfully remove all the knives from the table and hired security just in case. She also wore a soothing pink, the color of Pepto-Bismal. She was right to be prepared, because: Things went off the rails at Rails!
Siggy has no idea if Jacqueline will even show up, but Teresa predicts that “evil psychotic bitch” will show up for 5 minutes, then run away crying.
True to form… Jacqueline arrives early for a pre-lunch tet-a-tet with Siggy. Siggy starts to cry immediately, and mistakenly gives Jacqueline the impression that she’s in charge here. But nobody puts Tre–Hulk in a corner! Except for maybe the FEDS… but anyway, one thief in the night to another, Teresa will not be caught paying too much for Jacqueline’s excuses and delusions again.
Jacqueline has demands: she wants to meet with Melissa and Teresa, separately, one-on-one, to avoid “Vermont” where she was ambushed – only Siggy can stay. Also she wants to meet with Dolores first. Rebuilding her army? Siggy obliges, forgetting that TERESA is the other part of the equation. Jacqueline blames Teresa for being insincere about their friendship, even though Jacqueline kept inviting Teresa to make peace then starting fights, so I dunno… this woman!
Dolores had some sort of epiphany that Jacqueline isn’t worth it – meaning entertaining her BS and catering to her nonsense is less trouble, so she eats crow. It was flavored a fine Italian chianti. Unfortunately this easy victory raises Jacqueline’s sense of superiority, so when Teresa and Melissa walk in she immediately starts barking orders.
First she demands Teresa sit across from her, then instructs Melissa to leave. When Melissa won’t comply, she orders Dolores to “take her out.” Siggy’s mouth gapes open like fish. Teresa, who we all know believes the law does not apply to her, refuses to take “Ms. Teacher’s” orders. “I’m not her child! I didn’t come out of her vagina,” she scoffs. Melissa refuses to be spoken to like a dog
by anyone but her husband.
Clearly some wires were crossed. Teresa believed this formality of a meeting was for her to simply cut Jacqueline out like the cancer, then enjoy her nice lunch on Bravo’s dime. Jacqueline, sipping her tea like the finest Nazi dictatatress, believed lunch was an opportunity for her to, once again, throw a tantrum for everyone to placate until they forgot why they were even upset.
Well Jacqueline barked up the wrong tree! When Teresa tells her that she is not in charge, Jacqueline smirks, arrogantly, “Actually I am.” And that my friends was when everything went to hell in a doggybag! After Teresa yells that Jacqueline isn’t the teacher, Jacqueline parrots, “Is bitch better?” No, actually the c-word is. Well, if the shoe fits… Or rather if the shoe easily comes on and off, all the better to chase you through a parking lot with, right Dolores?!
Teresa refuses to to talk one-on-one. She knows Jacq’s game is to tell Teresa one thing, Melissa another thing, and then Siggy and Dolores a third thing, thus putting herself in control of the board. Jacqueline responds by storming out, announcing that she has a ride waiting. So does Chris chauffeur on the side of popping popcorn and dirtying up water?
Siggy is crestfallen that her carefully laid plans fell apart, while Dolores takes it in stride. Literally. When Siggy insists they chase Jacqueline down to beg her to reconsider leaving, Dolores pulls off her shoes, Jersey Shore-style, and starts a’running. Seeing them chasing her departing car, Jacqueline opens the door, pokes her head out and laughs.
Hopefully Siggy realized she wasted a pedicure and her dignity on Jacqueline, who is batshit crazy and making a mockery of her. Dolores probably doesn’t care about Jacqueline one way or the other, and was just in it for a free lunch. Gotta save coins now that she’s taken Frank out of her piggybank!
The funniest part about this luncheon was the costuming. Jacqueline wears this black coat that flaps out behind her like a witches cape as she flees lunch. She’s also wearing boots made for walking right out on you! Siggy in her goofy pantsuit, and shoes that looked like they belong on a KISS groupie. Ironically Teresa was giving people the “Kiss Of Dead” while wearing a Muppet suit that trembles with every ragey eye-pop. Melissa is in a glamorous sundress, proving she only cares about herself looking good.
Back inside after the parking lot sprint, Siggy is heartbroken at how Jacqueline threw the hot tea and forgiveness in her face. She had such high hopes, but the higher the heel the farther the fall!
Teresa knew it was coming. Melissa wonders why Jacqueline would run if she has nothing to hide. Dolores just wants to eat before the animals get all the food. At least Siggy can be relieved Teresa didn’t give her the kiss of the dead.
TELL US – WHO’S MORE RIDICULOUS: JACQUELINE, TERESA, OR SIGGY? SHOULD DOLORES HAVE FORGIVEN JACQUELINE? SHOULD TERESA HAVE DONE A ONE-ON-ONE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]