Real Housewives of Atlanta recap

Well, Real Housewives Of Atlanta went low quick. Like lower than the dip in Kenya Moore‘s hellish driveway!

Last night the ladies were throwing out the dirty buttermilk on each other. So, turn your prayer cloth into a strainer and start diluting that crud with holy water before you serve it up with biscuits! (That made no sense, but it sounds Phaedra Parks -ian).

Things begin at Moore Manor where Kenya is hosting a housewarming party. I know, I know… whoever heard of a housewarming party for an unfinished house? But even worse – whoever heard of a housewarming party for the ghosts of one’s past in the form of unwelcome guests. Unless of course you’re related to the Addams’s Family or Ebenezer Scrooge.


Moore Manor Housewarming Party

First Porsha Williams waltzes through the door. While Sheree Whitfield is hooting like an owl having an orgasm, Kenya nearly leaves skidmarks on her white jumpsuit upon spying Porsha. There was apparently some caution tape outside that said “NO THOTS ALLOWED,” but given that Porsha can’t read…

Not even Phaedra offering free champagne can distract Kenya from seeing red – and by red I mean the devil that is Porsha crashing her party! As Kenya and Porsha head outside for “a talk” about how Porsha needs Moore Manners for Moore Manor, Phaedra prays to Jesus that Porshe-hulk will keep her hands to herself instead of yanking off Kenya’s totally natural, Moore Water Haircare head.

Kenya stumbles through explaining that the safety of Moore Manor’s precarious structure depends on Porsha maybe um… not being there until Porsha smirks that she’ll see herself out! Getting thrown out is Kenya’s version of party favors, so it’s to be expected. “At least we got five minutes…” muses Phaedra, but Matt apparently will get a lifetime and his own key because Kenya doesn’t want to bother having to start re-casting for another man-cessory.

Porsha Crashes Kenya's Housewarming Party

Kenya is confident Porsha will recover from being ejected  – after all she’s been kicked out of better places than Moore Manor! Like a Nigerian palace when a certain wife got wind of her presence! “All these Africans…” says Kandi Burruss shaking her head. Oh she’s just jealous she never had her own! (I kid!)

Phaedra and Porsha are desperately stumbling their way back to civilized society. They cling to each other, with only a Louboutin to fend off predators, searching for signs of sanity along the dark, barren roads, when a voice pierces the emptiness. Then appears a figure all in white. The voice belongs to Sheree who is searching for lost coins some gossip. The shadowy figure belonged to Matt – his party crashing is received with much hand holding and cake.

Luckily for Phaedra and Porsha, Sheree knows self defense – and how to fix a body right!

Matt Crashes Moore Manor Housewarming

While the housewarming party swelters on, Kenya and Matt discuss their relationship. Matt frees the imprisoned King and Twirl and promises to do whatever it takes to reclaim Kenya as his queen – even if it means never, ever having an opinion again. Cynthia Bailey has her doubts that these two drama queens can make it work. So Kenya is afraid to have Porsha in her house for a party, but Matt is allowed to move back in?! #LogicByBravo

At The Kandi Factory Kandi Burruss is letting Mama Joyce do her dirty work by talking trash about Phaedra. So when Mama Joyce heard on the streets that Carmon was sleeping with Todd it was BS, but when she hears that Phaedra should be Apollo’s prison roommate and is lying about why her divorce is taking so long, it’s the word of gospel?

Mama Joyce declares that if Phaedra really wanted a divorce, the State of Georgia would grant her one in two months because Apollo is serving more than 2 years for a crime of moral turpitude. As an attorney Phaedra surely would know this, but maybe Jesus’ law rolls differently. Or maybe, just maybe, the moral turpitude in Phaedra’s buttermilk ain’t clean!

Mama Joyce talks crap about Phaedra

That was a bad look for Kandi! If she wants to make accusations against Phaedra, fine, but at least have the tittles to do it yourself instead of having your drama-addicted mama!

Since she’s permanently on the outs with Kandi, Phaedra invites Kenya to lunch. Phaedra isn’t even mad that Porsha was shown the doorframe at Moore Manor!

As Kenya is describing how Matt’s protein is working wonders for her skin and hair, and Phaedra is declaring Metamucil and abstinence (not hot chocolate) her drinks of choice, Cynthia is having a heart-to-heart with Noelle about divorcing Peter. Finally.

Does Cynthia have low self-esteem

Noelle heard them fighting so often she assumes Cynthia must have low self-esteem to put up with Peter’s crap. A wise observation! Cynthia realizes she should have ended her marriage earlier. Or not gotten married in the first place. Now I understand not heeding advice if your mother happens to be Mama Joyce, but Cynthia’s mother….

Unfortunately Peter is making the divorce process rather difficult. He won’t even return phone calls from the attorney to discuss the separation agreement, let alone sign paperwork. Is Apollo his divorce attorney?!

Back to Kenya and Phaedra’s lunch, Phaedra promises that Porsha is a new woman due to her Anger Management therapy. Kenya isn’t sure anyone can be cured by a Craigslist doctor, but she’ll consider attending an event Porsha is planning. Kenya doesn’t want to be THOT-less, after all!

Kenya tries to trust Porsha

Simultaneously, Porsha meets Sheree for a drink. She is all smiles and no grudges, and isn’t bothered by Kenya kicking her out of Moore Work Needed Manor. In fact, Porsha is so unbothered she’s gonna go about business the southern way by killing Kenya with Kindness… then dumping her on the curb where she belongs.

Speaking of dump, Kandi and Todd are making very, VERY slow progress on the OLG Restaurant. It’s months over-schedule and costing a fortune. I swear, Peter must be their business manager and financier. Is it located in the middle of an abandoned lot? Basically it looks only slightly less complete than Moore Manor, so that must mean Kandi and Todd are ready for their grand opening, right?!

Mama Joyce is not impressed with the lack of progress or Todd as the project manager. Only Mama Joyce is allowed to waste Kandi’s money! The OLG only seems to care about the restaurant opening because they want to make money by not doing any work. To appease them, Kandi and Todd give them a tour of the would-be restaurant.

The scope of the restaurant is HUGE – two stories, including a music venue and two bars, plus a massive dining room. The two questions lingering in the air, near the exposed insulation and stacks of lumber, remain: 1) Are Kandi and Todd biting off more than they can chew? 2) Just how much of a bite do the OLG figure-heads get from the profits?

Since Kenya refreshed things with Matt, she decides her bush needs to be whacked and her lady hedges trimmed.  Moore Haircare doesn’t provide services for more hair, apparently, so Kenya invites Kandi and Cynthia to try sugar-waxing. Cynthia is so deprived of sugar, she actually just eats the wax. Literally. Perhaps that gave Kandi a good idea for a dish she could serve at her restaurant – or her sex toy line.

Post-waxing Kenya reveals that She By SheBroke has been throwing shade over Moore Manor’s incompleteness. No titty sweat off Kenya’s underboob, though, because at least Moore Manor is in her name, whereas Chateau Sheree is actually Chateau Thelma. Thelma being Sheree’s mother, because She By SheCantPay is hiding her house from the IRS. I swear, the FEDs probably have a special bureau assigned to watching Real Housewives!

Cynthia and Kandi are scandalized by this reveal. Chateau Thelma?! The IRS?! What’s next – Sheree has a mysterious African prince on retainer?!

After all that sugar, spice, and nothing nice, Cynthia finally catches up with Peter. He is not coping well with his loss of financial security! He tried to put Cynthia as his ‘in case of emergency’ on a credit application but realized she’s no longer his get out of debt free card. Peter was so distraught he started having chest pains. Cynthia cries that they will always be friends, even if they can’t be married.

Peter and Cynthia talk divorce

Peter is reassured that Cynthia won’t entirely cut him off come time to pay the bills, so he agrees to sign the separation papers. Hallelujah! Somewhere Phaedra is praising Jesus that Peter has seen the light and is similarly begging Jesus to intervene with Apollo. In the meantime, Phaedra will have to satisfy her sugar cravings at the waxing salon. However everybody knows… there will come time when mama wants a some sweeter brown sugar!

With all the ladies talking about each other, but no one knowing the seriousness of what’s being said, Porsha, not known for being the sharpest tool in any toolbox – even one made by Fisher Price – plans a mystery solving activity to build sisterhood among the group.

I’ve done one of these Great Escape Rooms and they’re fun. It’s a great idea – even if your group suffers from diminished brain cells from inhaling Moore Manor dust!

Kandi and Phaedra arrive first and sit next to each other without speaking until Sheree shows up in workout gear. Prepared to work up a sweat with some Olympic-level shade throwing?

Porsha divides the ladies into two groups of three, and to prove she’s reformed, places herself on a team with Kenya and Cynthia. Kenya must have been so afraid to be locked in a room with only Cynthia’s enormous hair to shield her from Porsha’s wrath. I mean, the only escape, other then your own mental abilities, was a little doorbell to call for help. Porsha’s team is pushing the help bell in a matter of minutes. But given that her house has no doors, how is Kenya to know how to open one?!

Team Phaedra, Sheree, and Kandi fared a little better – even with Phaedra and Kandi barely speaking and Sheree having left her Speak & Spell at home. In the end, no one beat the locked doors so they all stayed imprisoned until Bravo was forced to hire new Housewives! That Lena woman looked fairly promising.

Actually one of the employees finally freed them. Kenya doesn’t understand how this event proved Porsha is “cured” from having anger issues. BabySteps, Krayonce, BabySteps…

BabySteps all the way down the Chateau Sheree driveway to kick down Sheree’s delusions! The ladies were able to get along only to figure out how to escape each other, but as soon as the friendship timer dinged, it ended. Kenya pulls Sheree aside to confront her about all the trash she’s been talking about Moore Manor.Sheree vs. Kenya

Kenya doesn’t understand why Sheree is concerning herself with the state of Moore Manor’s baseboards, when she can’t even cross the threshold of Chateau Thelmre.  Sheree is flummoxed by Kenya’s accusations – she was just trying to help Kenya with Moore Work Manor using the exemplary, polished, untouched by human habitation finishings exemplified in Chateau Sheree. Cause Baseboards matter.

Unfortunately Kenya has done her research on Mama Joyce‘s street – she lays her accusations on like spackle. Sheree, hands flapping in Kenya’s face, advises Krayonce to Fix That House! I wish Kenya would have shot back with “Fix Those Finances!” but she is still in the trembles after Matt’s aggressiveness and cannot handle Sheree trying to check her with flying hands. I find it so hilarious that Sheree starts speaking in tongues when pressed!

Fix Those Baseboards!

Kenya didn’t learn English in Sheree’s liberry, so she just calls Sheree a “bitch,” then a “ho,” then turns stallion booty and runs. Kenya actually threw a half-hearted twirl in, while Sheree chased her out the door yelling about fixing baseboards.

Sheree is right that Kenya started throwing the shade first with her snippy comments about how long it was taking to complete Chateau Sheree and the rude invitation to Moore Manor’s Housewarming party. However, Kenya asks a good question: Why is Sheree so concerned with Moore Manor’s progress, when she is not even living in Chateau Sheree ever yet!?


[Photo Credits: Bravo]