So far everyone is getting along on Real Housewives Of Atlanta, and it’s super nice. There’s a genuine energy to the show this season, as if the women are making a concerted effort to put the negativity behind them. Perhaps supporting NeNe Leakes has brought them together… But for how long? This is Real Housewives of Atlanta, after all. The peace won’t last for too long.
I do hope y’all are buckled up this season because Porsha Williams is already driving us crazy with the ‘Dennis this… ; Dennis that… Did you know Dennis uses the most perfect toothbrush ever. Those bristles were too soft; my bristles were too hard, but Dennis’s bristles are just right!
Last night’s season premiere of Real Housewives of Atlanta was all about Porsha Williams turning right instead of left and finding Prince Charming – aka The Hot Dog King Of Atlanta, and hopefully getting a big ol diamond ring out of it. HINT, MEGA-HINT, HINT.
As we alll know Porsha is dating Dennis, who owns several clubs in addition to The Original Hotdog Factory. “Everybody loves hot dogs!” Porsha cheers, “Especially me!” And Dennis’s wienie in particular. Porsha met Dennis at one of his clubs, then went home with him. Porsha and Dennis’s one-night stand has now turned into ring shopping. He apparently told her he loved her the first night they met. “It just feels natural and we just went with it,” she gushes.
Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta celebrated their 10 year anniversary by counting down their top ten moments. I cannot believe that I’ve had NeNe Leakes in my life longer than I’ve had my children in my life, but the Bravo universe is vast and all-encompassing!
I was expecting the Real Housewives themselves to weigh in on all the past drama and spill some behind-the-scenes secrets, similar to when other cities have done an anniversary. I was also expecting to get catch-ups from retired cast members like DeShawn Snow or Kim Fields, but instead we were just handed a ton of flashback footage to reminisce over. There were weddings, breakdowns (often those two things combined), walk-offs, shade wars, and vintage footage of Wigs with her Cigs.
It’s fair to say that it wasn’t just NeNe who slammed the door shut on Kim’s Housewives career but Andy as well (Go Andy, it’s your birthday…). Kim showed up all season emotionally tardy for the party and positivity challenged, and also maybe her brain had been injected with Botox so it froze recollection of all her actions, words, and bad behaviors. How many times did Kim claim something didn’t happen then cut to footage of her saying some atrociously hideous lie?
The Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion was going so well until Kim Zolciak showed up. I mean, people with feuds as old as their suddenly rejuvenated (and impregnated) ovaries were having civil discussions about those times they accused each other of being prostitutes to one-eyed Africans (do neither Porsha Williams nor Kenya Moore STILL not understand that ‘one-eyed’ referred to the African’s “D” – not that he’s an actual cyclops. Now you know KandiBurruss secretly wrote a “For The D” rap about that…). Then of course with all that peace, love, and Leave Will Alone, Kim Showed up.
Now that girl… Kim looked like she was wearing a Jessica Rabbit Halloween costume. And what on earth is Kroy Biermann doing with his life? He needs a Tabatha take over, because he’s apparently so depressed about being released from the NFL that he’s lost all purpose in life. It’s like the dude followed-up on a Craigslist post seeking personal assistant and wound up working for this crazy person who expects him to just follow around carrying her Solo cups and making sure all her outfits match said Solo cups – outfits he also has to pry her into using tweezers.
The first part of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta was pretty tame by comparison to what we’ve come to expect. I mean the only things that happened were a pregnancy announcement, blackmail revelation, and your mama jokes. Low-key, right?!
The most important thing about any reunion are obviously the outfits. Apparently if you are a Real Housewives Of Atlanta star the reunion is your equivalent of the Academy Awards. But all the stylists are busy and the only gowns left are the ones no one wants to wear.
What we really must discuss is Porsha Williams‘s crown. Umm… She’s elevated from Princess of THOTlandia (where one’s crowing achievement is twerking in hot pants) to Queen of Delusion. Although she claims to be the Goddess of Good Thoughts or something – good thoughts except when she’s calling Kandi Burruss “Victim Victoria,” Goddess Of Never Letting Go.
Out of the blue Sheree is incredibly pressed about Porsha Williams supposedly warning Shamea Morton that none of the women can be trusted – including Sheree. Poor Sheree – she’s been carrying everyone’s bones while having Porsha’s back, and is repaid by Porsha dismissing their friendship. Now Sheree has a bone to pick with Porsha – except she’s passive aggressively avoiding her by hiding in her basement staring at the abyss of Moore Manor.
Why would Shamea, Porsha’s so-called BFF, be sharing her text message with Desperee?! Hmmm… We never get an answer to that by the way.
I never suspected Kenya had faked her marriage, but like NeNe Leakes alluded I always assumed Kenya was much more in love with Marc than he is with her. Just based purely on how Kenya describes him and their relationship gives me the willies actually! And seeing Marc, mingling around last night, something seemed … off. It wasn’t just camera jitters or nerves about what the women (and show) may have in store for him, it was an animosity. Dude, you married a woman on a TV show, you knew what you were getting into!