Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta was all about love and motherhood and all the complications that come with it. But first, like with all things, we must dip our toe in hate!
Phaedra Parks, Porsha Williams, and Sheree Whitfield take their camel toes to brunch to discuss Sheree’s fight with Kenya Moore. Apparently, Kenya has been conducting faulty research, which misled her to believe Sheree is a hoe. “HOE!” scoffs Sheree, “I ain’t never been associated with no hoes!” Well, except for the ones Bob was probably cheating with. Sheree is indignant that someone who “slept her way to the top of the Z-List DVD rack” has the nerve to accuse her of impropriety.
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The only thing hoe-ish about Sheree is the way she spreads the Chateau Sheree love around – sometimes she owns it, sometimes her mother does, sometimes a trust does. While the ladies agree that Kenya is a mess, the consensus is that a “little d–k” is good for her – “little” being open to interpretation. Like can it penetrate a hazmat suit?
Meanwhile, Kenya is reconnecting with Matt over some fitness. I don’t know how someone can work out with their boobs literally exploding over their top. Is this gonna be Kenya’s new look? Cause, um… no. Matt plays sympathetic hearing her complain about Sheree, then chases his would-be queen through the woods with a poisoned tongue, all the way to his parents house.
Well, kinda. Two weeks after getting back together, Matt is introducing Kenya to his family at his upcoming family reunion. Considering Kenya is old enough to be his mother, she’s rightfully nervous about meeting his for-real mama. Also, let’s hope this goes better than the time Kenya tried to meet her own mother!
While Kenya is seeking family – children, adoptive mamas, the whole nine yards – Kandi Burruss has all but given up on her daughter Riley having a relationship with her father Block but in walks through the door Block’s girlfriend Kris Kelli. The timing was rather amusing: just as Kandi was throwing shade about how she’d never do a grand opening for an uncompleted restaurant, a shady figure darkens her doorway. Kandi doesn’t want to call Block her baby daddy – she hates that term – so let’s call it an unfortunate paternal drama.
At Kris‘ unannounced arrival, Kandi’s team, including Todd, look visibly unsettled and confused. Kandi escorts Kris into her office, where Kris reveals that she wants Block to have a relationship with Riley. The question on Kandi’s lips is, “Then why are you here and not Block?” Kandi is polite, but spells it out that Riley has been disappointed by her dad so many times, she’s now put a wall up. It makes Kandi sad considering that she never had much of a relationship with her own father.
Meanwhile, Cynthia Bailey is crying because Peter doesn’t want to be her friend now that they’re divorcing. Uhhh… [side-eye]. It turns out Peter has been so desperate for answers, he turned to Malorie. I guess he’s deeply unhappy his paycheck decided to put a block on his account. These two are a mess.
What’s a bigger mess is Porsha. Oh. My. GOD. Porsha has reconnected with an old boyfriend named Chris. They dated for a few years in her early 20’s, broke up, and then he moved to DC, had two kids, and got divorced. Now that Porsha is in her mid-30’s, she’s ready to be a mom – man or no man! She invites Phaedra for a walk in the woods so no one can hear Phaedra’s screams when Porsha reveals that she plans to ask Chris to be a sperm donor and part-time baby daddy.
Porsha and her confusions! Last year, she had a ‘shower’ for her barely out of diapers man, which sent him running, now she wants to proposition her barely phone-sexting off FaceTime ex to hand over a turkey baster full of his sperm so she can have her way with it. Girl… maybe Porsha should ask Block instead – he doesn’t seem like he’d stick around.
Phaedra is like NO – I will not let someone who cannot find her way around a Target have a child unsupervised. Honestly, that would be like 16 And Pregnant in Louboutins. Horrors.
Later, Chris meets Porsha for some Body Combat. Afterwards, on the balcony outside the gym(!!!), she straight-up propositions him to be her half-sperm donor/part-time baby daddy/ but no-time boyfriend. It’s clear Chris wants different things and thought they were getting back together. For one brief fleeting moment, Porsha abandons her dimwit act while Chris gently tells her he is not interested, and why he wants her to have a whole family – partner, child, and a home. It’s clear Chris feels bad for Porsha. Although she looks crushed, deep down, under the nine pounds of boob implants and naked hair, in the underground railroad of her soul, I think Porsha knows she doesn’t just want to get inseminated.
Then, because Porsha has the maturity of a 13-year-old, she promises to think about being Chris‘ girlfriend with a spit-shake, then jumps on his back for a piggy-back ride. He seems all too happy to oblige so maybe these two are perfect for each other?
Not perfect for each other are Sheree and Bob. Bob is too hilarious though. He has Sheree over to talk, aka proposition her and invite himself to move into Chateau Sheree. He tries to sweeten her up with a smoothie made with rotten fruit and Activia digestive yogurt. Which may have been the right move considering Bob’s proposal was truly hard to digest.
After Bob asks Sheree to feel-up his thigh muscles through his spandex hot pants and see his S&M room, Sheree politely extracts herself from his foolishness. “Bob is nothing but sex and jokes!” she snaps. “And I’m tired of ’em both!”
Sheree did praise Bob for finally rising to the occasion as a good father, but that’s the only occasion she wants to him to rise to, as she calmly explains that after all the negativity that transpired during their marriage and divorce – the cheating, verbal abuse, abandonment, ignoring the kids, none of which he’s apologized for – she’d prefer to just remain model co-parents. Well, Sheree certainly didn’t get a seven-figure settlement, but she gained a wealth of maturity and knowledge! Can she cash that in to pay the mortgage?
While Sheree is distancing herself from Bob’s untoward advances, Kenya is climbing into a car with Matt to drive to Cincinnati, OH, for his family reunion. She’s complaining, whining, pouting, and arguing about driving because she “haaaaaaaaaates road trips.” She also thinks they’ll kill each other spending that much time in the car together. Kenya, like all toddlers, tantrums until she exhausts herself, then promptly falls asleep.
If you can’t spend eight hours together, how are you gonna spend the rest of your lives together?
First, they meet Matt’s mother, father, and sister Hallison for dinner but what’s being served, skewered and grilled, is Kenya. Matt’s sister is not buying anything Ms. Twirl has to sell – not even after she buys dinner.
Hallison has concerns, not just about Kenya’s sincerity, but also about their age difference. Matt’s mother is worried about Kenya’s intentions, as well, after Kenya mocks Matt’s footwear collection. It seems Matt’s mother doesn’t want Kenya stepping on her toes.
After the awkward dinner, they head to the family reunion. Kenya is in her element as she convinces the little kids that she’s Beyonce. But Hallison is not done with Kenya yet and pulls her aside for another chat. Kenya is annoyed – and does not bother to hide it as she complains bitterly that Hallison won’t get off her case and needs to stop. Um, Kenya, THIS is what a marriage is about.
Hallison wants more reassurance that Kenya isn’t just hiring Matt to play her boyfriend on TV, considering how hard her little brother has fallen for Krayonce. Krayonce is able to keep her twirl in check and reassure Hallison – again – that she wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t sincere, especially at her age when she has little time to waste. Hallison doesn’t look convinced, but then Matt intervenes to rescue Hallison from the impending Twirl Of Destruction.
Luckily, Matt’s mom is more accepting. She just hopes Kenya will treat Matt right and make him happy – and leave all the mothering to her.
After they take an Usie together, Kenya gushes that she believes Matt’s mother could become a surrogate mother to her – the mother she’s always longed for! Um, Kenya, don’t you think you’re rushing things a bit (per the usual)? You’re the only woman alive who wants the mother-in-law before the man even puts a ring on your finger! A ring she will no-doubt have to purchase herself…
Kandi meets Sheree at the gym. I truly hope Sheree gets her fitness business together because she looks amazing.
Kandi is not on her game. She falls off the rowing machine, then after working out, falls apart into Sheree’s arms, wailing over Block’s abandonment of Riley. Sheree understands completely – she’s got Butthead Bob to deal with.
Block never wanted to be involved, and Kandi accepted that, but swears she’s always decided never to interfere if Riley were to want a relationship. Unfortunately, Block has been making Kandi look like the bad guy for years. In a strange twist of, well, I don’t wanna call it fate, Block also used to date Porsha (!?!) – this was before Porsha knew Kandi, but after Kandi had dated Block, but he talked crap about Kandi to Porsha.
As a testament to how little involvement Block has had in Kandi and Riley’s life, after eight years of friendship, Sheree has barely heard about the man, let alone met him. While Kandi cries, Sheree poignantly states that most of these men don’t know how to be fathers because they didn’t have fathers themselves. Like Bob had mentioned, while trying to pawn off his half-ditch smoothie to sweeten up his icy-cold half-assed heart, his father died at 44, the age he is now, so he wants a second chance. A revival so to speak, but there is no do-overs in fatherhood.
While Kandi is pouring her heart out to Sheree, Block is with Kris, blaming Kandi for keeping Riley away from him. “I aint’ chasin’ nobody,” he rants. That’s your child, Blockhead! YOUR CHILD.
Not only is this guy is a blockhead, but I believe he totally pretended to want a relationship with Riley in order to get on RHOA for some publicity for his recording studio. Gross.
TELL US – SHOULD PORSHA GET A SPERM DONOR? WILL KENYA AND MATT LAST? SHEREE & BOB: BETTER TOGETHER OR BETTER APART?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]