Comscore

Real Housewives of Orange County reunion

Last night was FINALLY the end of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion and it was sponsored by Shannon Beador‘s many factions to Hawaii.

The one thing I learned is that Vicki Gunvalson really needs to consider a career in politics because she can twist words and spin like no other. It’s rather impressive in some bizarro universe led by Andy Cohen and morality policed by Heather Dubrow.

The reunion starts with a ride back in time to Glamis. The ladies watch the ATV flip time and time again. Just so you know… Heather escaped injury because she even does car accidents perfectly and better than you.

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE!

Heather also does consoling non-friends at a hospital better than you, which is why she would have stormed triage with a pair of Victoria’s Secret Angel sweatpants because she is, after all, an angel! Did you see that solid gold and diamond-studded halo floating there above her pizza oven?

Cue the inevitable fight about how Shannon and Meghan King Edmonds abandoned Vicki in the hospital while Heather and Kelly Dodd enjoyed a fleeting 15 minute friendship consisting of post-sand annihilation champsing. When in the dunes…

Shannon had a legit reason for skipping Glamis – she has bronchial fibroids (I made that illness up). Shannon’s lungs are so bad that screaming is virtually impossible. Ha. No, whoops – not that!

But they are so bad that Shannon has had to cancel trips to Hawaii because of volcanic ash. Does this lady go anywhere else? I mean, um, like expand your horizons and get off the volcano, which is an uncanny metaphor for the eruptus burrious of her marriage. Shannon Vs. The Volcavid. More on all that later.

Meghan

Heather is still upset with Meghan for not taking her phone call about Vicki being airlifted seriously enough. Meghan subtly shades Heather, saying that she assumed she was melodramatically being “TV Heather” instead of real Heather. And TV Heather plays a dramatic Real Housewife on TV. Heather wishes she were TV Heather instead of Real Housewives Heather who is rolling in the quicksand of déclassé Tamra Judge and Kelly. Tamra and Kelly – the Miller High Life of Champs and Housewives!

Exercising her DW degree (Doctor’s Wife), Heather lectures Meghan about the impossibility of Vicki being histrionic as proven by the fact that she was airlifted from Glamis. Ironically, Tamra actually thinks Vicki was histrionic and got airlifted. Also ironic, the only time Heather would deign defend Vicki is when Heather is in fact actually defending herself and her right to carry the Morality Chief Badge.

Tamra has a reason for doubting Vicki’s illness: Briana. Which is also why Vicki took a selfie in the helicopter – to prove to Briana she was there. “Why would Briana need proof,” cross-examines Andy. See Brooks: Cancerscam: Binders Full Of Medical Records: Fake/Lies/Hospital Waiting Room, ext: fake scans.

Apparently, Briana also contacted Tamra to complain about Vicki exaggerating her injuries, and as soon as the cameras stopped filming, Vicki was taking off her neck brace to guzzle wine. OK, Briana needs to STOP. She’s a traitor. She’s the Benedict Arnold of Bravo. I used to love Briana; now I’m disappointed. I don’t care how freaking dramatic and Mama Joyceian your mother is, that is YOUR MOTHER and you ride or die for her. I defended Briana in putting Brooks on blast because I felt that was done to protect Vicki to get it out there how toxic and demeaning their relationship was. However, Briana’s constant co-conspiring with Jesus Juggalo? Nope – WRONG!

Vicki acknowledges she did take the brace off, and claims she hid how badly she felt from Briana because she didn’t want to “minimize or diffuse” Briana’s own serious health issues. Tamra snorts with laughter. Because, Tamra is gross. Quick Question Miss “STOP F–KING TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE” – why are YOU gossiping and talking about people, huh? Even Heather agrees that Briana was throwing Vicki under the bus, and since she’s the morality police, I guess we ought to listen!

So, why isn’t Heather yelling at Shannon for skipping the hospital? Oh, cause she didn’t know Vicki was airlifted until later. Like one hour later. When she was already deep into golf. Meghan’s expression and rolling her eyes? Yeah, likewise here.

Vicki Of the Bossy Pants gets on her soapbox, challenging Shannon to get hurt, so Vicki can prove she’d drive all day (like a early 00’s Celine Dion song) to visit her in any hospital the world over. “It’s what you’re doing when nobody’s looking that is the true mark of a person’s character,” lectures Vicki. Yes, yes, I think we can all find the irony in that. Oh, was that a bit rich!

While some things are funny – like Vicki getting her arm stuck in the car door handle – other things, like Kelly’s nose flips and basically the entire trip to Ireland are just not. As Heather pontificates, “We all have douchey moments.”

Truly everyone goes overboard trying to defend their Irish antics to “prove” they didn’t bait or set-up Kelly. “I felt she was baited,” admits Meghan.

Only Shannon seemed to enjoy that trip – she calls it one of the best trips of her life. Shannon was having so much fun! she decided everyone else needed to have that much fun too, which is totally why she was pouring shots down Kelly’s throat! It was just for FUN! Vicki did it too. If Vicki is your barometer… well, I wouldn’t get in bed with that convenience, Shannon. You’ll wake up being accused of spousal abuse against a tequila bottle.

Before the final dinner, Vicki warned Kelly to watch her drinking… Despite Shannon’s denials that they were setting Kelly up, Andy even calls them out in a roundabout way, and also shadily brings up ‘naked wasted’ night from many sessions past when Tamra, Vicki, and Gretchen all had different faces, but the same bad behavior. Time only marches to the plastic surgeon’s office apparently! “We look bad,” Shannon acknowledges, “but there was no ill intent!”

“Lie,” sneers Kelly.

rhoc-kelly-vicki

Speaking of lies, Vicki got caught in one. Now, I never believed Vicki was lying as part of the cancer scam last season, and mostly felt she was the victim of a duplicitous loser and her own vulnerable neediness, which led to an undue course of pathetic actions. But last night she was totally lying in regards to Shannon confiding some deep dark secret that David is physically abusive. Or at least it seemed that way to me.

It was reprehensible for Vicki, as Heather said, to bait Shannon with insinuations by exploiting moments of their friendship in order to gain an upper hand in an argument. Vicki didn’t necessarily “put out into the universe” something that did not previously exist. Shannon did call the cops on David and he pleaded guilty, something she greatly tries to minimize. Also, her entire story last night seems hella dicey… learning from Brooks‘ mistakes of not having sufficient hard evidence that is easily decipherable, Vicki claims to have proof of what she’s saying.

Proof Vicki never gets to show because the whole damn cobbled story is silenced with a  photo of Shannon in a bikini. “I was a lot lighter then,” Shannon makes sure to qualify.

Not to let ANYONE else get the attention for causing drama, Tamra interjects, screaming that everyone is sick of Vicki’s shit. True. Vicki fires back that everyone is sick of Tamra’s shit. Again, true. So then Tamra, who is Vicki’s peer in age and maturity, and also good Christian behaviors, shrieks, “I’m a better person than you! I’m a good person, you’re not!” Well, I wouldn’t go that far!

rhoc-shannon-tamra

Look – I don’t care to rehash Shannon’s tear-streaked denial and defense of David – that she was roofied, wandered blocks away from her house into a dangerous hood (she lives in an ultra-elitist community with security), and came to bruised and bloodied. Then, being locked in her child’s room and trying to break the door down, followed by screaming for Vicki to help her, then merely hopped on a plane to Hawaii to breathe in some volcanic ash and flaunt her bikini bod. While Shannon is recounting this, Vicki sat stone-faced and impassive, repeating blanket pacifications about how she doesn’t want to give more damaging information and hopes Shannon is well. It was in fact “BULLSHIT!” on all levels, subterranean and outer space.

The whole scene was gross, bizarre, and Shannon was absolutely seeming a bit um… lady doth protest way WAY too much (as she always does concerning David and her marriage), but Vicki absolutely was seeming a bit lady doth lies too much! If Vicki truly didn’t want this ‘out there’ then she would have mentioned the so-called secrets as some sort of ‘HA!’ card to wave in Shannon’s face. If Vicki wants to affirm how far she’ll go, try sending a Hallmark card. Do they make one for emotional blackmail?

What Vicki did instead, was definitely a violation of the morality code, shitty person 110, aberration 253, despicable acts 42,18: 12 – thou shalt not enact a reign of threat and terror over former frienemies.

Andy wonders about Brooks allegedly getting physical with Vicki, but she deflects, saying he only pulled her hair, and furthermore, they’re not together anymore. See this is what irks me the most – VICKI seemingly knows what it’s like to be in a toxic, abusive (on some level: emotional – definitely; verbal – very likely; physical – possibly) relationship – so why on earth would she not react with compassion and kindness to Shannon?!

Vicki was just advising Meghan, “It’s what you’re doing when nobody’s looking that is the true mark of a person’s character.” Yet, when no one was looking, Vicki repeated private and personal confidences about Shannon to Kelly, someone who doesn’t like Shannon. So Character, I believe you’ve been outed. Man, I do despise when Housewives goes so dirty. Can’t we just stick to whopping it up!?

rhoc-shannon-tamra-hallway

After sobbing profusely in Defense Of David (DOD), Shannon races off stage, trailed by Tamra, and Vicki is held to the fire by the self-appointed morality police. “If you didn’t want it to come out, you never would have mentioned it,” snaps Heather. ZING!

In the hallway, Tamra does Shannon the way Heather did Meghan on the Ireland bus, whispering hateful nothings in her ear instead of consoling a friend.

Vicki justifies her gossiping on being hurt by Tamra and Shannon “making me out to look like a con-woman.” After evaluating, Kelly says Shannon’s story of drunken lunacy makes sense. If anyone understands raging and acting crazy when they’re drunk, it’s Kelly.

Vicki continues filibustering with nonsensical excuses and denials. Even after Shannon pulls photos of that fateful Hawaii trip from the iCloud and passes them around, show and tell style, thus proving she doesn’t look beat up. Vicki sourly backpedals that she never said David “beat the shit” out of Shannon – he just hit her, and she knows what she knows about what Shannon is hiding, but she won’t reveal anymore.

Vicki finally decides to apologize to Kelly for getting her involved. Exasperated, Meghan tries to explain the difference between humbling oneself and truly being apologetic. Apparently we’re not getting that Vicki is humbled?

rhoc-vicki-angry

Oh Vicki… I thought you couldn’t look worse after last year’s reunion… welp, I was wrong! At least she could blame Brooks last year. This year, I agree with Tamra that Vicki should “Shut UP!” but I just can’t take it seriously coming form Tamra who has spread more rumors and vitriol than anyone on RHOC. She should take her own advice, and go ride off into the sunset on a dune buggy, or in a hot tub, with not-gay Eddie. (I don’t think Eddie is gay, I just like spending rumors).

rhoc-heather-vicki

In other crazy, Heather accuses Kelly of being a hate monger, trying to spread propaganda against her. I think Heather misunderstood – see Kelly’s husband is Hitler, not Kelly! Besides, Kelly obviously doesn’t need to rally hate troops, because the whole world sees who Heather is, and now likes Kelly instead! We do?

The ladies closed by admitting their biggest regrets from the season, and they were all pretty good. And dare I say, humbled.

Well, Tamra doesn’t need to tell me to shut up. I’m done. This is toast, and on that note, I’m hereby electing myself Chief Of the Morality Police for RHOC. See ya on the flip side!

TELL US – WAS VICKI WRONG FOR REVEALING SHANNON’S SECRET, OR DID SHANNON DESERVE IT? IS VICKI HUMBLED?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]