Tamra Barney

The Real Housewives Of Orange County are in Jamaica! Whip out the Red Stripe, culturally insensitive dreadlocks hats, and Shannon Beador‘s giant suitcase full of complaints and neurosis. Who’s excited!?

The women arrive at the airport at 4:15 am, but at approximately 6am (OK it was probably the day the before) Shannon calls Tamra Judge to complain that she’s too fat to fit into anything she owns so she’s not bringing a bathing suit or tank tops. To a tropical island. Tamra’s advice: “Stop Eating!” Shannon must’ve found something to fit – Kyle Richards Kaftan Kollection? – because a couple hours later, after being awake all night, Shannon showed up at the airport with two enormous bags. At least one of those bags was filled with a feng shui kit, essential oils, 873 types of vitamins, several different types of cleansing machines, plus all of Shannon’s 83957295798476 anxieties, animosities, and insecurities – including a framed photo of David snarfing tequila chips.

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County the seeds of an impending feud were planted as newbies Gina Kirschenheiter and Emily Simpson complained that Shannon Beador doesn’t want to be their friend. And just in time for a cast trip to Jamaica. Jamaican Me Crazy, surely!

The thing is this is the type of drama that only happens in the alternate reality of reality TV. In the real world if your disparate friends don’t really like each other you’d just hang out with them separately. After all, it’s not like we’re permanently stuck in high school – or Bravoland – together and forced to interact. But in reality TV land three people who have zilch in common must pretend to be part of an established friend group who is now having problems.

The problem here is that Shannon, as she said, is 20 years older than Gina, and they just don’t have a lot in common other than knowing Tamra Judge (and probably secretly hating her) and getting divorced. Except Gina’s divorce is the Unikitty version of a split. It is sparkly blue eyeshadow that leaks tiny droplets of glitter when you cry, and it is platinum fingernails to replace your platinum ring, and it is repurposing all the expensive bikinis you bought for a couples trip by just wearing them on a girl’s trip.

Sheesh was last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County a big ole snooze. When the most exciting thing that happens is Shannon Beador bending over on national TV (and I don’t think she was attempting the Legally Blonde Bend & Snap!) before wobbling her own self-described gut, you know it’s gonna be a good one!

Look, I feel for Gina Whatserfacernameo, but I am so tired of her talking about her divorce! I KNOW, I KNOW – getting divorced is traumatic, painful, and all-consuming, but we’re not connected to Gina or Mystery Meat Matt who just walked through our door, and yet every episode features Gina crying over how she knows she’s doing the right thing by ending her marriage, but yada, yada, yada… 

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County the morality police came for Gina Kirschenheiter, and if there’s one person who shouldn’t be presiding over other people’s morals it’s Vicki Gunvalson! Especially as Gina’s biggest sin is her tongue-twister of a last name. Errrrr… I mean, that she doesn’t believe in organized religion.

For some reason, everyone is supremely bothered that Gina wants to divorce her husband Matt because they’ve simply fallen out of love. I believe the court’s term for this is “irreconcilable differences,” and that Vicki, Kelly Dodd, and Tamra Judge nee Barney have all pulled the same shenanigan when ditching a husband for being too boring. All aboard the fun bus or bust, right?! And their husbands even lived with them, whereas Matt moved over an hour away and is too busy to see his kids for more than one weekend a month. Um, really??!

Personally I think they’re all aghast that Gina doesn’t appreciate the perfection of her situation – she has all the perks of a husband (who also happens to be hot): sex, financial security, doesn’t need to work, cushy home, nanny, but doesn’t have to put UP with a husband! These women probably do believe that a man who’s completely checked out of his marriage unless he’s depositing cash in the bank account is one worth keeping!

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County was jam-packed, wasn’t it? It went from a literal brawl over Shane of all things, to laughing and crying, and in between people were dating, divorcing, apologizing, and maybe even dating people who are using them for their money! People were also getting their livers probed by an alien from planet moon fingers. Which is perfect because Gina Kirscheheiter literally always looks like a character on Star Trek.

Tamra Judge is in her room, drawing hearts on her ankle boot or something when downstairs Gina is literally wrestling Kelly Dodd and Emily Simpson apart. Over Gina’s head, Emily screams “I’ll kill you!” I mean, it’s only warranted because Kelly called Emily’s husband, Shane, a “prick” a “pussy” and a “twerp” among others.

Dramy, dramy, dram-dramzs on last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County. So Emily Simpson was really glad that after all the rumors, speculation, and gossip Shane could come to Tamra Judge‘s party, be his best Mormon self, and everyone would get to know ‘the real Shane.’  Except The Real Shane(TM) turned out to be kinda worse than the Shane of everyone’s imagination. This is gonna go either one of two ways here, kids: Emily will find herself divorced, or her happy marriage will cost her the show next season!

This episode might as well have been titled The Real HouseHUSBANDS, because it was about bad husbands or lack thereof from start to finish. After our two week hiatus, we’re still on the golf course celebrating Vicki Gunvalson‘s 400th birthday. This day has more fits and starts than Vicki’s ever-evolving face. Suddenly Shanon Beador was storming away from the lunch table because Tamra “doesn’t care” about Shannon’s opinion.