Don’t talk about Kandi Burruss‘ mama or try to take her food. Just in case you weren’t aware! On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, the ladies tried to come together for good, but first they had to be bad.
Crossing enemy territory and waving the white – or peach – flag of surrender, Phaedra Parks invites Kenya Moore to tea. Both wielding tongues like fruit knives, they exchanged barely-veiled barbs dipped in honey and stirred with hot milk to soothe the pain. But then Phaedra invited Kenya to be part of her efforts to send kids from Flint, Michigan, to summer camp through the Phaedra Phoundation.
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Isn’t it nice how Phunerals By Phaedra decided to bury her feud with Kenya for the kids. Especially since Detroit is close to the Former Miss Who-S-A’s heart! Without a trace of irony, Kenya suggests teaching dancing and manners. To Phaedra’s credit, she merely smiled. Then she invited Kenya to laser tag, because the act of passive aggressive warfare is a safe space to bring them all together!
On the other side of town, Kandi drops Ace off with Mama Joyce, who wants to be paid for her baby sitting services while sitting inside the enormous house Kandi bought her. An entrepreneurial spirit certainly runs in Kandi’s family.
Mama Joyce is distracted from counting her own coins by counting Riley’s. Speaking for Kandi, Mama Joyce announces that if Block wants to see Riley, it’s a pay for play deal. She wants Kandi to demand Block get an ‘LLC: Lien, License, Or Cash’ to remedy the $50,000 in back child support he owes. Kandi has wavered putting him on blast, but numerous times thought about calling the radio station where he works to announce that he’s a deadbeat dad. I guess it’s better to announce it on RHOA?
Moving on to reformed deadbeat dads, Bob is no longer in the doghouse, but he’s not in the chateau either. Sheree Whitfield tells her adult and practically adult children that the time has finally almost come for them to move up from the condo to the Chateau. Kaleigh wonders about “Bobby” being allowed to rent a room, maybe in the servants quarters underneath the roller skating rink, where he’s buried himself after having Sheree and the kids evicted from their former castle all those years earlier.
Sheree is not going to forgive Bobby so easily. She wants him to acknowledge his abandonment of his family, and how he wronged both her and the kids – then she may consider giving him a taste of her fried chicken. First though Bob makes the mistake of taking her out for vegan food in a cafeteria! Doesn’t he know Sheree is elegant and sophisticated?!
True to form, Sheree is dressed for finer accommodations and serving Eat Your Heart Out for Bob’s supper. Bob unfortunately wore a t-shirt, which might as well have been a bib to catch his drool. It goes downhill from t-shirt: first Bob offers Sheree inedible food as a supposed peace offering, then jokes about licking the glitter off her chest. But Sheree is not kidding when she spells it out that he owes his family an apology – one she will gladly accept on their behalf as the Whitfield Ambassador for Spare Change to furnish the Chateau built on the honor of their inability to admit reduced circumstances.
Sheree finally reduces Bob to his version of groveling. Bob must have been so hungry he’d eat his own words because eventually he mumbles that he’s sorry for his mistreatment and infidelity and for being immature and forsaking his children. I applaud Sheree finally setting aside her anger (anger that was well-deserved) and now holding Bob’s ass to the fire! He doesn’t deserve Sheree’s forgiveness to come easily. As she said, why should she commend him for doing what he was supposed to be doing all along! He made his bed, now he has to lie in it … maybe the tent in Chateau Sheree’s backyard has availability now?
Also having to lie in his bed is Block. Although he’s perfectly content to hide under his dirty sheets. Kandi is taking Mama Joyce up to get [undeserved] manicures, when he calls to see if they can meet to discuss “co-parenting.” Kandi informs him that since Riley is almost 14, he has to build the relationship with her, not Kandi. Except Block still blames Kandi for keeping him from Riley, and accuses her of never returning his calls. He uses the excuse that he has to go through her to work things out with her first. Kandi loses it and hangs up. Then bursts into tears. Mama Joyce is about to say some stuff when Kandi shuts the conversation down, fixes her makeup, and walks away from a stunned Mama Joyce.
Meanwhile, Cynthia Bailey is in L.A. to launch her luggage collection, Cargo. Cynthia decided to use her daughter Noelle as the ‘face’ of the new line, since Noelle wants to follow in her mother’s footsteps as a model. She seems to want to model because it’s an easy way to ride on mama’s coattails to trips to Nobu without paying her dues in Chinese Take-out and Spiegel catalogs first.
Cynthia is working overtime to promote Cargo at a big L.A. fashion trade show, while Noelle, the supposed ‘face’, SnapChats away on her phone while complaining that her feet hurt. Cynthia wants to leave her “fashion empire” as a legacy to Noelle since Cynthia Bailey Eyewear is such an amazing “success.” Cynthia has been drinking the leftover Kool-Aid from one of Peter’s failed Bar Ones, or something, and that jungle juice is laced with his hyperbole about what constitutes success!
Good thing Cynthia has Leon to keep her grounded. Over dinner – at Nobu! – she cries over her failed marriage and admits she always knew it wouldn’t work but wanted to prove everyone wrong. Cynthia is so distraught, she rips off her false eyelashes and Leon has to escort her home. If he ever desires a career change, he can counsel me any day!!
Back in Atlanta, the ladies meet for laser tag, and Sheree is excited to bust some metaphorical caps in Kenya’s metaphorical ass. Sheree is still smarting from Kenya calling her a bitch and a ho over Chateau Noway, and is about to get a lil’ laserific revenge. Kenya arrives, all in white, and brought Cynthia’s sister Malorie as her bodyguard.
Phaedra is in high spirits for a little fun, mostly and because Sheree is willing to be the front woman in the war on Kenya so Phaedra can put on her act of perfected Phakery as “proof” of her reformed feelings towards Kenya.
And take down Kenya, Sheree does! She trails her throughout laser tag as if every well-aimed laser shot will make Kenya bleed hundred-dollar bills. After tag, the “famished” ladies are treated to dinner and a show. The show being Kenya vs. Sheree: War Of Words.
Phaedra describes her idea for pop-up shop fundraiser in which each woman sells their products to raise money for her foundation. To point out everyone’s value, Phaedra goes around naming what each woman will sell: Lena (Kandi’s mysterious friend) will provide clothing from her boutique, Kenya will be selling water for one’s dog’s hair – whatever, Kandi is supplying Bedroom Kandi (and even Porsha Williams notes the irony of hawking dildos to support kids), and Sheree can sell… ummm… She By Sheree?
Kenya laughs and laughs that Sheree attended one of Peter’s business seminars and all she got was this “Who Gonna Check Me, Boo?” t-shirt. Right after Phaedra stresses the importance of everyone getting along…for the children, Kenya and Sheree erupt into an argument about who is the bigger ho: Kenya for sleeping with anyone on the straight to DVD rack in Hollywood or Sheree for um… well guilty by association of Bob’s transgressions?
Then Kenya denies calling Sheree a “bitch,” which Sheree is not letting go of – BITCH. Naturally, the argument gets twisted around to who owns the uncompleted Chateau Thelma, Moore Manor being the size of a matchbox, and on and on… Kenya even has the audacity to yell at Kandi for interrupting their screaming to discuss dinner. Nothing comes between Kandi and her food. Until Kenya blasts Sheree for her “tired Mama Joyce wig,” that is!
“Don’t talk about bout my mama!” snaps Kandi, mouth full, jabbing her fingers in Kenya’s face. Sensing that things are about to go past ‘Jesus fix this!’ territory, and into Kandi going P-Hulk (aka Porsha pre-anger management), Phaedra discretely places her Phaedra Sparks Taser on the table, next to the salads, and in a soothing voice announces, “Ladies, we are here for charity…” Phaedra administers a lecture to both Sheree and Kenya on decorum and beseeches them to put aside the differences in sizes of their unfinished mansions ‘for the the higher purpose…’
Both Kenya and Sheree promises they can mature…for the kids. While Kenya and Sheree may manage to get along, I’d like to see how Kenya will twirl her way out of Mama Joyce‘s line of fire! After all, the woman has discovered Moscato … all the better to read a bitch with! Kenya thought laser beams were bad, wait until she faces MJ’s truth cannons.
TELL US – SHOULD KANDI CALL BLOCK OUT? WILL KENYA AND SHEREE BE ABLE TO PUT ASIDE THEIR DIFFERENCES FOR THE CHILDREN?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]