I was pretty excited to learn Bravo renewed Below Deck Mediterranean after a jam packed season one. Maybe it’s the fighting and staff hook ups, maybe it’s the colorful, international cast, but mostly, it’s the backdrop of the gorgeous Mediterranean that I can’t get enough of. From my couch here in the good ole U-S-of A, a yacht sailing around Croatia is just what I need to remind myself that there is more adventure in the world than making it out of Target without spending a week’s paycheck. Sigh.
This season, the crew is sailing the seas on the Sirocco and Chief Steward Hannah Ferrier and Deckhand/Horny Bro Bobby Giancola have returned, much to my delight. Bobby is new and improved after quitting his fire fighter job, losing his spot on the shirtless fire hunks calendar, and getting some clear braces after all those fat tips from last season. What hasn’t improved is his high school level of immaturity when it comes to the ladies.
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Before this season began, Bobby accidentally decided to sh*t where he was set to eat and after briefly dating former NFL Cheerleader Lauren Cohen, recommended she join the crew. She did but alas, their budding hump sessions didn’t last and now they are stuck awkwardly working together. But that’s not going to stop Bobby from drooling all over newbie Deckhand Malia White the second she steps foot on board. Here we go again…
Luckily, Hannah and Bobby have managed to work out all of their past differences and seem to be getting along fine (for now). The rest of the crew consists of Bosun Wesley Walton, who goes by Wes, or Wiz, if you’re Bobby and don’t understand anyone’s accent. To his credit, Bravo is using subtitles for Wes and also Deckhand Max Hagley. The crew is also joined by South African 2nd Steward, Christine “Bugsy” Drake, who spent her last year on charter as a Chief Stew but downgrade her position for this trip so she could make a quick buck before her next charter starts. Hannah swears she isn’t threatened by this but I’m doubtful.
We have a new Chef in the form of Adam Glick, who Hannah notes is very easy on the eyes. I second that but have my own note that he might be short on brain cells thanks to misidentifying our new Captain Sandy Yawn (worst last name for a reality TV star ever) as the First Mate. She quickly corrects him, letting him know that it’s actually possible to be a female and in charge while Adam stammers a lame apology.
Adam lost points with me there for sure – while it may be an oddity to have a female captain in yachting, it’s certainly not a crazy concept that a woman can drive a damn boat. Not only can she drive the damn boat but she can also manage staff and come down from the helm to help them out too, much to Hannah’s discomfort. Maybe Adam has been stuck in the galley for too long but maybe someone should clue him in on all the things women are capable of these days.
Captain Sandy holds the first meeting on the Sirocco and she lays it all on the line – she is professional and no nonsense. This is a woman who has survived fires and being chased by pirates so she is one tough cookie. Take that, Jack Sparrow!
It’s time for the crew to get to work and Bobby is working hard – trying to get into Malia’s pants already. Can Wiz please hose this guy down? By the end of the night, not everything is done but Captain Sandy forced Hannah to bed so she can get some rest. Despite having said she doesn’t micromanage, Captain Sandy is doing exactly that and working Hannah’s nerves already.
Morning arrives and we get to meet the charter guests, a group of fitness fanatic women who call themselves The Tribe and Bobby labels as cougars. Are women anything more than just sexual objects to him? We need the hose again. Once on board, The Tribe settles in to eat as the crew drops anchor off an island and it’s not long before they have trouble – the wind is picking up and the anchor is dragging. It’s too small to withstand such high winds so Captain Sandy is forced to act fast and orders Wiz to immediately get the anchor up so they can head to port. She then informs the guests and proceeds to dock the boat like the boss she is, all with the greatest of ease.
The Tribe didn’t get to be fitness gurus by eating things like dairy and meat so as you can imagine, they came with quite the list of dietary restrictions. Adam is unfazed but this is because he once cooked a live octopus after Eddie Vedder’s wife threw it from the sea right onto his arm. He can handle anything. He’s also unfazed because he doesn’t exactly follow their no dairy rule and adds butter to a meal, appalling Bugsy.
I personally feel like a little butter never hurt anyone and besides, at 1 AM, these fitness ladies throw their dietary restrictions out the window and request lots of booze and nachos WITH MEAT. They have flung their restrictions out the window and in the spirit of vacation, decided to just live their damn lives and that means eating nachos with abandon. Of course they still got up at 7 AM to work out on the ship.
As the Sirocco heads to sea, The Tribe is done working out and ready to eat breakfast. Adam wants everything on a post it note, so he can keep track of who wants what to eat and Bugsy can’t deal with the idea of using a lowly post it note to write things down, like in a burger joint. Who knew a girl named after a cartoon bunny rabbit would be so high strung?
It’s time for the deckhands to bust out the water toys, inflatable banana and all. The interior crew busies themselves with setting up a beach picnic while Hannah gripes about Captain Sandy being too hands on. Unfortunately for Hannah, Captain Sandy has no choice because she is dealing with a very green staff. So much so that Malia can’t even handle one of the little rafts they would use to take the guests to shore and Sandy jumps on to show her how it’s done. While Hannah fumes about how it’s not the time or the place, The Tribe looks up from sunbathing to praise the Captain for being so involved.
You would think Hannah would be able to sympathize with how hard it can be to be a woman in a position of power and managing her male crew, especially given what Hannah had to deal with last season but Hannah is giving no such breaks and it looks like we are in for more rough waters this season.
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Photo Credit: Bravo