After what felt like an unusually long charter season on Below Deck Mediterranean, we have finally arrived at tonight’s finale. Between all the hook ups, shifting friendship alliances and overdramatic fights, it’s hard to remember what the dynamic was even like at the start of the season. But one relationship we couldn’t forget (since it dragged out over every single episode) was the love triangle between Chef Adam Glick, Bosun Wesley Wiz Walton and Deckhand/Heartbreaker of the High Seas Malia White. And in case you thought the day would never come, it’s judgement day for Malia. Well, sort of. I have news for all of you Malia haters out there – you might be disappointed at the end of this.
Try as he might, Adam is unable to get Wiz-Golly-Shucks-I-Really-Like-The-Girl to truly give a damn that he is being played like a Croatian fiddle by Malia. I don’t even know if there is such a thing as a Croatian fiddle but if there is, Wiz is being played like one. Adam has not only prepared his speech to Wiz but he also did some “cross referencing” of dates, texts and locations of Malia’s tongue so that he could be fully present all of the evidence to Wiz to make sure he does not befall the same fate as Adam’s poor little broken grown-man heart. I mean, really, does Adam just have the worst case of being a sore loser or what? Well, maybe not the worst, as you’re about to see with The Milkshake Man later this episode, but Adam is close.
Does anyone else hate it when we don’t get a fresh episode for the week? I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast let alone what happened two weeks ago on Below Deck Mediterranean.
Good thing Bravo is there to catch us up with a quick clip of what’s happened in general: Chef Adam Glick spites guests with onions and also hooked up with Deckhand Malia White before the charter started. Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier did some hooking up of her own with a primary charter guest, which led to Christine “Bugsy” Drake to read her private messages with said guest and tell everyone about it. Bobby Giancola and Max Hagley were happy to help spread the gossip. Lauren Cohen was the only one who stayed on Hannah’s side.
Let’s back up for a minute. It’s almost 2 AM aboard the Sirocco and Chief Steward Hannah Ferrier just got more than a tip of the primary charter guest, Jason. I don’t know exactly how it went down but they connected, they flirted, he dropped his iPhone in the hot tub, they smooched after hours in his room, you get the idea. He leaves the ship after getting her email and the world of reality TV yachting keeps on turning. Unless you have a Second Stew who wanted to be First Stew and has an axe to grind. Then it’s a never ending story of gossip and passive aggressiveness in the form of say, nonchalantly mentioning to Captain Sandy Yawn that Hannah came into the room so late, Bugsy thought it was morning and time to get up already. Nothing gets by Captain Sandy, who wants to know if Hannah was up partying with the guests.
Another week, another hook up with the Below Deck Mediterranean crew and this time, the professional lines between crew and charter guests start to blur. But before we get to all that, we rejoin what I thought was an episode of The Bachelorette: Croatian Seas Edition, starring Malia White and her number one suitor, Adam Glick.
Adam sulkily leaves the crew’s night out because he is having a “bad day”, which included refusing to adhere to food preferences in the meals, telling Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier that she had a resting bitch face, lying to Captain Sandy Yawn, and what else? Oh yeah, just being an all-around douche. Sorry, no sympathy here for the guy who thinks a charter guest needs to be punished repeatedly for simply asking him to omit onions from his meals. But all of these bad boy chef antics are like an aphrodisiac to Malia, who chases after him so they can sit next to the hot tub and make out before Adam needs another diaper change or nap or something equally baby-ish. What does Malia still see in him? Is she just in it for the omelets he’s whipping up special for her each morning? All I can assume is that she’s young and stupid because at this point, you would have to be.
I’m so here for this season of Below Deck Mediterranean. Sure, I always enjoy seeing the ridiculous requests from wealthy charter guests, but what I’m really living for is the love-triangle-turned-square with Malia White. I get why any guy would be into Malia. She’s adorable and has a great attitude, but damn: three different guys are into her this season.
The only man who’s not into Malia is Max Hagley and thank god for that. He has a girlfriend back home and that would just make a messy situation even messier. Interestingly enough, my beloved Captain Sandy Yawn had no idea that this love square was happening until she watched the show herself.
There must be something in the water on Below Deck Mediterranean. If you thought the eye roll-worthy love triangle between Deckhand Malia White, Bosun Wesley Wiz Walton, and Chef Adam GropesALot Glick was over, you would be wrong. It’s just getting started and as a slimy bonus, let’s throw in Bobby Giancola for good measure. Feeling sea sick yet? Don’t worry, you will soon and it has nothing to do with the onion soup.
Speaking of, let’s check in on the Man Who Cannot Not Onion when it comes to chef-ing: Adam. He is busy throwing an onion sized hissy fit that Chief Steward Hannah Ferrier didn’t use her ESP to know that the guest ferry to the waterfalls were delayed and therefore, caused the picnic food Adam so angrily prepared to sit out and possibly spoil. You guys know what hate sex is right? I feel like Adam could make hate cooking a thing.
Last week on Below Deck Mediterranean, we were left with a real conundrum – the Med’s most wanted deckhand Malia White couldn’t decide who she wanted to kiss more – Wesley Wiz Walton or Chef Adam GropesALot Glick. So she did what any girl who can’t decide would do and kissed both of them. Apparently, this is a big no no in Lauren Cohen’s world but really, it’s hard to take dating guidelines from the girl who went out on a group date with our favorite goon, Bobby Giancola, and hooked up with him anyway.
I mean, what year are we in here? I know the Mediterranean is full of history but I didn’t realize we set sail back in time. Who cares if Malia kissed two people? But the most annoying person on the planet crew, Lauren, refuses to let it go. She’s so desperate for everyone to like her that she throws girl code out the window and wastes no time slut shaming Malia to anyone who will listen. And the worst part is that she does it by running to tell everyone after seeing Malia with her lipstick smeared on her face. Funny how Lauren has been so upset with everyone talking about her but it’s perfectly okay for her to do the same to someone else.