Either Malia White is the world’s most desirable woman, or the crew of this season’s Below Deck Mediterranean has extreme cabin fever. Practically everyone but the anchor has developed romantic feelings for young Malia! Last week, when Malia’s superior – and number one love interest – Wes Walton chose Malia to be second in command over more experienced deckhand Bobby Giancola all hell broke loose.
The backlash Malia has recently received online seems to be troubling her, as she posted a few clap-backs to the fans and “haters” out there who question her professionalism, not to mention her manipulation of dueling suitors, Chef Adam Glick and Wes. Captain Sandy Yawn also came to Malia’s defense on Twitter, writing, “Wes made his decision. Malia was the right decision cause of her interest on the bridge. She was always asking me q’s about navigation.”
Does anyone else hate it when we don’t get a fresh episode for the week? I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast let alone what happened two weeks ago on Below Deck Mediterranean.
Good thing Bravo is there to catch us up with a quick clip of what’s happened in general: Chef Adam Glick spites guests with onions and also hooked up with Deckhand Malia White before the charter started. Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier did some hooking up of her own with a primary charter guest, which led to Christine “Bugsy” Drake to read her private messages with said guest and tell everyone about it. Bobby Giancola and Max Hagley were happy to help spread the gossip. Lauren Cohen was the only one who stayed on Hannah’s side.
Hannah Ferrier’s got no shame in her game, and I kind of love her for it! After kissing Greek God-like charter guest, Jason, on last week’s Below Deck: Mediterranean, the canoodling couple were outed when first stew Bugsy Drake found Hannah and Jason‘s texts on the yacht’s master iPad. Hannah calls out Bugsy and Bobby Giancola’s reading of the private messages – and their Scooby Doo antics afterward – as immature.
Hannahfirst explains the kiss heard round the mega yacht: “Jason and I had a lot of chemistry as soon as he came on board, but it really went against my rules to hook up with a charter guest! But after the few weeks I had had dealing with the new crew, it was nice to get some positive attention.”
Let’s back up for a minute. It’s almost 2 AM aboard the Sirocco and Chief Steward Hannah Ferrier just got more than a tip of the primary charter guest, Jason. I don’t know exactly how it went down but they connected, they flirted, he dropped his iPhone in the hot tub, they smooched after hours in his room, you get the idea. He leaves the ship after getting her email and the world of reality TV yachting keeps on turning. Unless you have a Second Stew who wanted to be First Stew and has an axe to grind. Then it’s a never ending story of gossip and passive aggressiveness in the form of say, nonchalantly mentioning to Captain Sandy Yawn that Hannah came into the room so late, Bugsy thought it was morning and time to get up already. Nothing gets by Captain Sandy, who wants to know if Hannah was up partying with the guests.
Another week, another hook up with the Below Deck Mediterranean crew and this time, the professional lines between crew and charter guests start to blur. But before we get to all that, we rejoin what I thought was an episode of The Bachelorette: Croatian Seas Edition, starring Malia White and her number one suitor, Adam Glick.
Adam sulkily leaves the crew’s night out because he is having a “bad day”, which included refusing to adhere to food preferences in the meals, telling Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier that she had a resting bitch face, lying to Captain Sandy Yawn, and what else? Oh yeah, just being an all-around douche. Sorry, no sympathy here for the guy who thinks a charter guest needs to be punished repeatedly for simply asking him to omit onions from his meals. But all of these bad boy chef antics are like an aphrodisiac to Malia, who chases after him so they can sit next to the hot tub and make out before Adam needs another diaper change or nap or something equally baby-ish. What does Malia still see in him? Is she just in it for the omelets he’s whipping up special for her each morning? All I can assume is that she’s young and stupid because at this point, you would have to be.
There must be something in the water on Below Deck Mediterranean. If you thought the eye roll-worthy love triangle between Deckhand Malia White, Bosun Wesley Wiz Walton, and Chef Adam GropesALot Glick was over, you would be wrong. It’s just getting started and as a slimy bonus, let’s throw in Bobby Giancola for good measure. Feeling sea sick yet? Don’t worry, you will soon and it has nothing to do with the onion soup.
Speaking of, let’s check in on the Man Who Cannot Not Onion when it comes to chef-ing: Adam. He is busy throwing an onion sized hissy fit that Chief Steward Hannah Ferrier didn’t use her ESP to know that the guest ferry to the waterfalls were delayed and therefore, caused the picnic food Adam so angrily prepared to sit out and possibly spoil. You guys know what hate sex is right? I feel like Adam could make hate cooking a thing.
Last week on Below Deck Mediterranean, we were left with a real conundrum – the Med’s most wanted deckhand Malia White couldn’t decide who she wanted to kiss more – Wesley Wiz Walton or Chef Adam GropesALot Glick. So she did what any girl who can’t decide would do and kissed both of them. Apparently, this is a big no no in Lauren Cohen’s world but really, it’s hard to take dating guidelines from the girl who went out on a group date with our favorite goon, Bobby Giancola, and hooked up with him anyway.
I mean, what year are we in here? I know the Mediterranean is full of history but I didn’t realize we set sail back in time. Who cares if Malia kissed two people? But the most annoying person on the planet crew, Lauren, refuses to let it go. She’s so desperate for everyone to like her that she throws girl code out the window and wastes no time slut shaming Malia to anyone who will listen. And the worst part is that she does it by running to tell everyone after seeing Malia with her lipstick smeared on her face. Funny how Lauren has been so upset with everyone talking about her but it’s perfectly okay for her to do the same to someone else.
We rejoin Below Deck Mediterranean and the crew of the Sirocco in the midst of an anchor crisis. It’s been nine hours and they are still toiling away at trying to untangle their hopelessly twisted anchor. But Wesley Wiz Walton isn’t going to give up and poof! he manages to save the day (and the charter season) by setting the anchor free! Captain Sandy Yawn is thrilled and she’s not the only one. This is just one big turn on for the most eligible bachelorette on the Mediterranean: Deckhand Malia White.
Problem solving skills are sexy and Malia can’t help but swoon over Wiz coming to the boat’s rescue. That’s bad news for resident goon Bobby Giancola, who lost major points given his lack of simple math and not being able to stay calm under pressure. Of course he doesn’t know he didn’t really have a chance with Malia to begin with but that goes back to those math skills – if one sexy deckhand has two good looking crew members chasing after her and one giant ball of steroids that drunkenly yells at other women for c*ck blocking him, how many possible suitors does the sexy deckhand have left? Bobby is decidedly out of the equation.