Welcome to Intervention In The Berkshires, a Real Housewives Of New York production. Although Luann de Lesseps is the recipient of last night’s intervention, it really should have been Ramona Singer because – well, the reasons could fill an A-Z encyclopedia set – or Sonja Morgan because she is getting waaaaaaay too intense with her tortured houseguest, Tinsley Mortimer.
Before anyone can get their panties in a Berkshires twist, we begin in NY with Bethenny Frankel and Fredrik Eklund discussing the sale of her current apartment – and prepping us, yet again, for their imminent spinoff. When Fredrik suggests that Bethenny remove the clutter from her home, she sees Skinnygirl Red, barking that she DOES NOT DO CLUTTER! And really, what is he talking about with this imaginary clutter issue? Homegirl is about as spartan as they come with her style. They can agree on a price though – as long as Fredrik agrees with Bethenny.
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Ramona visits Carole Radziwill and her house of many Babies who aren’t babies to discuss Dorinda’s party, where a certain guest named Barbara dished some serious dirt on Tom D’Agostino. Carole is concerned that Luann doesn’t see the “real Tom,” not understanding that maybe she does, but simply doesn’t care.
Ramona has dirt of her own though! A woman, who she’ll call “Ann,” claims that Tom recently tried to stick his tongue down her throat. “Ann” dated Tom in the past, but knows he’s with Luann now. Ramona interprets this piece of intel as Tom “basically attacking” a woman against her will, which isn’t quite getting into the Phaedra Parks territory of slander, but is feeling uncomfortably close to it, no?
Carole wonders if they’re bad friends if they tell Luann, or bad friends if they don’t tell her? Ramona is all about telling Luann everything she possibly can to keep her on the ropes, so she suggests passing the info on to Dorinda Medley, who will do the dirty work. Dorinda’s eyes are also decidedly less darty and shifty when confronting other humans. So, solid plan, Crazy Eyes Killah!
While Carole and Ramona dish about Tom, the man himself and his betrothed take a lap around the park with their dog. Luann loves being in relationships because she can watch TV in the middle of the night. Alrighty, then. Tom loves how his dog marks his territory with urine. A good move for man and beast, he thinks. He also loves his own shapely legs, which are made for running
In the Berkshires, Dorinda is making it nice. Since the horror show of last year, Dorinda has implemented some ground rules: There will be staggered entries of different “teams” arriving at her home in a calm and orderly fashion, for one. These teams will be offered a Benadryl and a poison pill just in case anyone needs to suddenly pass out or off themselves, for two. (Kidding! But they should be.) There will also be a real life Sonja here this time, so Dorinda won’t have to hear her squawking about being left out for another 365 days.
Tinsley is back in the city meeting her mom for lunch, and to receive the news that her dad’s ashes are being transported to Florida. Her mother relays this info in an off the cuff way one might mention taking a duvet cover along on vacation. Tinsley seems taken aback, but moves on quickly, reminiscing with her mom on her childhood. These memories include being judged for weight gain and not wearing enough makeup in fourth grade. Ahh, Tinsley’s fear of Sonja is becoming clearer by the minute! She’s got mommy issues. Damn.
But Tinsley’s also got Sonja issues these days, and she complains about them to mom. Her mother’s suggestion? Bring her treats and cookies! Tinsley looks at her as if to say, I am dealing with a woman whose ice is brown, Ma. You have no idea. Tinley’s mother does suggest she move out though. Oh – and have a baby STAT too, mmmkay? No pressure though. Really.
In the Berkshires, Dorinda micromanages the decorating of her Christmas tree while Sonja tries to navigate the complicated job of finding a hook – a job she usually delegates to one of thirty-five interns. Because if that doesn’t say “college credit,” I don’t know what does.
In another mom outing back in NYC, Carole and Adam’s parents are out shopping. Carole says she’s good with parents, but she’s not good with baby making. So she won’t be giving these people grandkids anytime, ever. Um, does she assume Adam’s parents don’t have their glasses on straight? Or that they don’t know how to work the Google machine? Because they are obviously not waiting around for that particular scenario to happen.
The staggered arrival continues at Dorinda’s home, with Tinsley showing up next. She’s prepared for a fun weekend ahead, but will be undergoing a ritual hazing via Sonja’s forthcoming meltdown, so she’d better not totally unpack those bags yet. Dorinda encourages her to make herself comfortable, but Tinsley can’t even admire a single porcelain Santa before Sonja starts ragging on her for having lunch with HER friends – who, incidentally, are Tinsley’s mom’s friends as well. And who invited her out to lunch – NOT Sonja.
The next morning, tragedy befalls Dorinda’s abode when she discovers her “Make It Nice” birthday cake has been crushed in its box. Noooooooo! There’s no time to mourn its loss, however, because in marches the next team. Enter Bethenny and Carole, who are greeted by a bouquet of flowers Dennis Shields sent Bethenny for “moral support.” Unless these flowers have some sort of magic sedative in them, there’s really no point.
Upstairs, Carole tells Bethenny about the tea Ramona served up on Tom. Given her own “whirlwind romance” (as she dubs it) with her ex, followed by a whirlwind 4-year garbage pile of a divorce and litigation, Bethenny claims that she sees Luann potentially heading down the same dangerous path. She also thinks that Dorinda should be the one who reveals the news to Luann because she is the only one “in” with Luann these days. Carole agrees.
Downstairs, the ladies are trying to light Dorinda’s house on fire with their obvious lack of Girl Scout fire building skills. Maybe open the flue next time, Mensa candidates? Wine is uncorked, and toasts are made, followed by Bethenny and Carole floating loaded, awkward questions out there like, Is Luann going through with it? to the group. Ramona finally speaks up to say that she has information that needs to be passed on to Luann, period.
After Ramona tells Dorinda the deets, Dorinda wonders if the “text-zes” Ramona’s reading are on the up and up. She does agree to pass the information on, even though she doesn’t believe all of what she’s hearing is true. For her part, Sonja just sighs, knowing there is ZERO chance of Luann changing her mind about Tom – no matter how many throats he’s stuck his tongue down. Allegedly.
Thus, this is the scene Luann walks into. After she kisses everyone hello, the group is forced to decorate cakes and cookies, much like my first grade daughter and her friends are when I need to keep the group under control. Dorinda is wise, grasshopper.
Sonja is a fool, however, for getting into the next dumb as sh*t argument with Tinsley. It goes something like this: Tinsley wanted Sonja’s assistant, Connor, to answer the door if the bell rang and receive the hats she was having delivered. Sonja took royal offense to this breach of roommate contract, barking at Tinsley that Connor is not HER assistant – he’s SONJA’s!!! I mean, Sonja is running a BUSINESS out of her house, people! She needs professional boundaries at all times!
This, from a woman whose hoo-ha pops out wantonly at parties, and whose undergarments are likely floating on a hearty layer of scum in her nonworking toilet. Tinsley’s like: You. Are. An. Insane. Person. Which is lost on Sonja, of course. She partied with John John! (And in her mind, still is.)
Okay, here’s my assessment of the Sonja/Tinsley dynamic at this juncture: Sonja sees the ghost of possibilities gone by when she looks at Tinsley, and it frightens the loose tooth right out of her. Tinsley is kind of where Sonja was at just after her divorce, but she still has money, her sanity, and a fighting chance at reinventing her image. For Sonja, that ship has done sailed. And so, like Ebenezer Scrooge on his jaunt to the past with ghost number one, Sonja is railing against her younger, stupid self for not making wiser decisions about the direction of her life. And poor Tinsley is the unwitting target of these rage-releases.
Upstairs, Bethenny tells Carole that she has no plans of talking to Ramona. She wants no part of Ramona’s fakery, so until further notice, they are in a North/South Korea situation, as far as she’s concerned.
Downstairs, Dorinda carefully broaches the subject of Tom with Luann. She spills the information (although not in detail) about Ramona’s text story, asking Luann point blank, “Do you trust him?” Luann totally trusts Tom, one hundred percent. She knows about his past, and doesn’t want to be the wife who checks his cell phone and emails constantly to assure herself that he’s changed. She loves him and can’t wait to spend the rest of her life with him. So for her, the rest of these harpies can go scratch.
“Do they not have anything better to do?” wonders Luann for the thousandth time this year. No, Luann. Apparently, they do not.
To be continued…
TELL US: IS SONJA JEALOUS OF TINSLEY? SHOULD THE LADIES BACK OFF OF LUANN AND TOM’S RELATIONSHIP, OR ARE THEY TRULY CONCERNED ABOUT HER WELL BEING?
Photo Credit: Bravo