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Below Deck Mediterranean recap

Last week on Below Deck Mediterranean, we were left with a real conundrum – the Med’s most wanted deckhand Malia White couldn’t decide who she wanted to kiss more – Wesley Wiz Walton or Chef Adam GropesALot Glick. So she did what any girl who can’t decide would do and kissed both of them. Apparently, this is a big no no in Lauren Cohen’s world but really, it’s hard to take dating guidelines from the girl who went out on a group date with our favorite goon, Bobby Giancola, and hooked up with him anyway.

I mean, what year are we in here? I know the Mediterranean is full of history but I didn’t realize we set sail back in time. Who cares if Malia kissed two people? But the most annoying person on the planet crew, Lauren, refuses to let it go. She’s so desperate for everyone to like her that she throws girl code out the window and wastes no time slut shaming Malia to anyone who will listen. And the worst part is that she does it by running to tell everyone after seeing Malia with her lipstick smeared on her face. Funny how Lauren has been so upset with everyone talking about her but it’s perfectly okay for her to do the same to someone else.

Below Deck Mediterranean recap

Malia catches wind of Lauren skipping around in a tizzy and decides she is not playing with her – Malia immediately confronts Lauren in their cabin and tells her that if she has something to say, she better say it to her face.

Lauren claims that she just wanted to know who Malia was making out with and like anyone who is busted for talking smack and doesn’t know what to do, tries to cover it up and give Malia a few “you go girls” and high five her for her achievements. But Malia sees through her little act and isn’t interested in getting a pat on the back from Lauren. So naturally, Lauren switches tactics and goes on the offense, telling Malia that she should wipe her lipstick off before exiting a make out session (as she literally runs away to safety). Malia follows Lauren to the top deck and tells her she did make out with Wiz and Chef GropesALot but it’s none of her BIZNAZ, which it’s not. Lauren just can’t help herself and her chance to become the second least popular person on the boat and spits back that Malia has to choose because kissing two guys isn’t a “good look.” Neither is getting with Bobby, you loony tune! You know what they say about people in glass houses, Lauren…

Anyway, Lauren still can’t leave well enough alone and runs to tell more people but Malia intercepts her and admits to Wiz and a stunned Hannah Ferrier that she made out with both of them. Poor Wiz actually seems sad and it turns out, he is! He knows he broke his rule of not getting involved with a coworker and he’s disappointed it was seemingly for nothing more than a casual kiss.
The next day, he wakes up and tells Adam about it, who is in the bunk below him and like a true scumbags, Adam acts like he doesn’t remember grabbing Malia’s face and telling her he didn’t care about being second in line.

Below Deck Mediterranean recap

Malia is feeling some regret herself, mainly because she hooked up with her boss (Wiz) and that everyone knows it. For his part, Adam seems to think that he hasn’t been sufficiently creepy about the whole thing and comes above deck to force a group hug with the two other parts of this love triangle. I find this increasingly awkward but Malia says she is relieved that everyone is acting like it’s no big deal. Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to stick, toots. Malia is even feeling the forgiveness and apologizes to Lauren for being too harsh with her. Ugh, why!? She wasn’t harsh enough if you ask me. SMH.

In the galley, Hannah mentions to Adam that she feels bad for Wiz, since he seems to have genuine feelings for Malia and well, that was not the right thing to say to the person who is quickly replacing Bobby as the biggest dirtbag on the ship. Adam responds with an “eff that, she’s mine” and ok, I am thoroughly grossed out by him now! He’s practically storming around the ship, waiving his little spatula around, trying to put his brand on Malia like some barbarian. Now that’s not a good look. The Creep Level on board is at an all-time high right now.

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Moving on to something less painful (sort of), it’s time to meet the new charter guests! And by new, I mean, people who were on last season. That’s right, the “rednecks with a s**t load of money” (Bobby’s words, not mine) are back! In case you didn’t watch last season or just tried to block this out of your memory, let me refresh it for you: these are the same charter guests who had a sexy hoe down followed by a threesome in the hot tub on camera. I would be too embarrassed to show my face outside of my house, let alone on TV again after knowing all of cable saw me having a threesome but Kenny and Friends came to party and I salute them for that.

They do have a few requests that don’t involve the hot tub though – to have lots of water toys on board and NO onions. Simple enough right? Not for Adam, who is already grumbling that he can’t cook without onions. Really? I do it all the time and I’m not a fancy yacht chef.

Below Deck Mediterranean recap

Captain Sandy Yawn wants Wiz to take the boat off the dock while she helps and I think it’s nice she wants to teach him how to do more at his job. Yeah, ok, true to form, she micromanages the whole process but Wiz did it, much to Malia’s delight that being in charge of the boat is sexy. Kids these days and what their turn ons are, I will never understand it.

Hannah decides that Lauren is improving enough that she can handle the upcoming guest picnic at the waterfall and when she tells her, Lauren is so excited, you would think Hannah just told her she is a bridesmaid in her wedding. Poor Lauren is so needy of Hannah’s approval she doesn’t even understand that it’s less about how great she is and more about Hannah not wanting to deal with what a pain off site picnics are.

Onto dinner and as soon as the plates are set down, Kenny notices that there are onions all over his shrimp and grits. He reminds Hannah the minute his plate goes down and Hannah apologizes, taking the plate back to the kitchen. She knows they are already on thin ice since Adam insisted on serving lunch with onions and Kenny had to pick around them.

Below Deck Mediterranean recap

So does one of the other guests, who is prompted to pull Hannah aside after the second plate comes out with chives in it. Hannah is mortified and goes back to Adam again, insisting he makes a dish with zero onions – not white ones, yellow ones, or green ones. For the love of god, Adam, just omit the damn onions! He does, but throws an epic fit, snarking about how Kenny has the nerve to send back three plates and still smile about it, despite the fact that all this guy is looking for is simply a dish with no onions. Can anyone explain to me why Adam is so passionate about onions and Malia? The Creep Level is now off the charts, as in, something is really wrong with the Chef.

Since Adam doesn’t have the stones to actually confront a guest for his dislike of onions, instead he unloads on Hannah and even calls her a slut. Later, when Hannah tells him it’s unacceptable, regardless of how frustrated he is, he downplays it and says he says it all the time, even calling his vegetables and herbs sluts. I bet he doesn’t call the onion a slut.

The next day, the Bloody Marys are flowing already and Hannah knows the 20 bottles of vodka she got won’t be enough. Lauren is already stressing about their picnic and running around like a chicken with her head cut off, asking Christine “Bugsy” Drake if she will come along to help her. She doesn’t want to let the guests down and needs backup. When Bugsy tells Hannah she thinks she should send another stew along to help Lauren, Hannah isn’t happy that Bugsy-too-big-for-her-boots is telling her what to do with her staff. But the drama for Hannah isn’t done and when the ferry to take the guests to the waterfall is delayed, Adam unleashes his anger on her because all the food he made for the earlier time will spoil. I’m not sure how a delayed ferry is anywhere close to Hannah’s fault but that doesn’t stop Adam from snapping that Bugsy should be chief stew instead.

Can someone please get this guy an onion to calm him down?!

Photo Credit: Bravo

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