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The Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Black Out And Get Out

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the bitter sour patch kid in Kelly Bensimon’s gummy bear bag! Okay, it’s just Jill Zarin trying to make herself happen again – but still! For long-time Real Housewives Of New York fans, the return of Jill feels kind of epic, if short lived. Also epic is the throw down in the Berkshires, starring Ramona Quimby Age 8 Singer and Bethenny Frankel, who decide to further impose upon Dorinda Medley’s gracious hosting by getting naked and mud wrestling in her parlor. Well, nearly.

Bethenny does pull a spread eagle while screaming at Ramona though, which sort of feels like a low rent Wonder Woman move gone dangerously awry. And Ramona uncorks the long-buried demons of Scary Island as she eviscerates Bethenny like never before. Her motto last night: When they go low, I go Pinot! In essence, the drama this week is served upside down, with a twist of crazy. Just the way the Housewives like it.

We pick up at Dorinda’s house, where Ramona has thrice repeated an incredulous “Are you kidding me?” in response to Bethenny claiming she’s not a good friend. As it turns out, Bethenny is not kidding her. So, the gloves are off. Bethenny still harbors a grudge against Ramona for her infamous Brooklyn Bridge beatdown. Plus, Ramona stole two dresses from her. And finally, Ramona saw Bethenny (with Dennis Shields) prior to filming this year, but waited until cameras were present to feign concern over Bryn knowing about the topless scene she shot in a movie. Ramona denies it all, then decides to mention everything SHE knows since they’re going there. “Mention it all!” jeers Bethenny, opening her legs, ready to receive Ramona’s…something.

So Ramona starts listing the reasons why Bethenny is, in her estimation, a piece of sh*t. Bethenny was never there for her, she kissed another woman topless on a waterbed (in the movie? wtf!?), and she never had money until she “f–ked!” Bethenny’s like, hold up: WHAT? So Ramona breaks it down: Bethenny only slept with guys for money back in the day, which Bethenny interprets as sleeping her way to the top. She doesn’t see it this way, snarking that she’s currently sleeping her way to the bottom – or to ground zero.

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Now on a roll, Ramona describes how SHE is the self made woman in this room! She put herself through college, she was on her own at sixteen, she is the more successful business mogul! “How many cases of wine have you sold?” snarks Bethenny. Ramona bites back that her brand is the bomb while Skinnygirl is all but DONE! She also came up with Pinot Grigio first, so hmmmmmph! Bethenny says Ramona got into the booze business because of her, and she knows it.

But this isn’t the real issue. Ramona thinks Bethenny misrepresents herself as a rags to riches fairy tale, when it’s really Ramona who’s traveled that arc (or so she says). Now Ramona just wants the world to see the Bethenny she sees: A poor little rich girl who claims she’s self made when in fact – according to Ramona – she was as pampered as they come. Oh – she’s also an opportunist who uses people. Bethenny wonders why Ramona even talks to her, then? If she hates her so much, then stay the f–k away! Ramona’s like, check. Done. Taking my ten thousands cases of Ramona Pinot with me!

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“You are broken. You are so f–king broken and you don’t even see it,” says Ramona. “And I feel sorry for you.” (Um, I think she feels a wee bit jelly of her too. Also, how do we get Lisa Rinna’s pill bag to Ramona? This is a housewives emergency, people. Xanax smoothies all around!) Bethenny just wryly smiles and nods, defending that she didn’t attack Ramona tonight, so this sh*t is out of nowhere. “You’re Bethenny the b*tchy witch!” taunts Ramona, leaving with a goodbye and good luck. And her wine glass.

Well. That was…something. What the hell did we just witness? I feel slightly like I just saw a hyena stand up on its hind legs, slap on a bow tie, and drunkenly defend a PhD to a dissertation committee. It’s not often I understand what on god’s green earth Ramona is trying to articulate, but she certainly laid down some paragraphs tonight. Yes, they were mean, they were biting, they were Ramona’s special brand of insane. But wowza! They were shockingly – I don’t know – detailed?

Cue Bethenny’s exit. Post-evisceration, she has no time for this Berkshires madness anymore. Upstairs, she tells Carole Radziwill that Ramona just assassinated her character. Meanwhile downstairs, Ramona complains about b*tchy witchiness to Sonja Morgan and Dorinda. Sonja rightly assumes it’s mostly the booze talking with Ramona, but she really has no idea. Carole decides to leave with Bethenny (of course), as long as the gingerbread cookies can go with! Dorinda is sick of this nasty sh*t going down at her MAKE IT NICE house every. damn. year. And she frankly wishes Ramona was leaving rather than Bethenny.

Before Carole can scoot Bethenny out the door, Ramona decides to get all wine-breath aggressive up in her face, telling her that Bethenny is a user who is using her too! Proof: Bethenny says Carole is “boring” behind her back! “So smoke that in your pipe!” squeals Ramona, drunk on power and so many other things, allegedly. Even Sonja is slowly backing away from the crazy at this point. No one is sure whether Ramona will 1) spontaneously combust, 2) attack one of them, or 3) drop to the floor with narcolepsy, much like a toddler after a long tantrum in the produce aisle.

As Bethenny attempts to leave, Ramona continues to taunt her until Bethenny calmly asks her to step away – like, forever. “You and I will never speak again. We will never be on the same SIDEWALK together,” threatens Bethenny, who, if recent interviews can be believed, has remained true to her word despite Ramona trying to contact her post-production. “Why are you such a vicious b*tch?” complains Ramona, followed by an inane “I SAID I WAS SORRY!” to Bethenny’s back as she walks out the door.

Annnnnd, we’ve only just gotten 10 minutes into this episode. See how much drama they can pack in when the Luann de Lesseps/Tom D’Agostino drudgery is mercifully sidelined for a moment? Damn.

The next morning, Dorinda fills Tinsley Mortimer in on the drama. Then she recounts the fact that Sonja fell asleep – sitting up like a scary a$$ wax statue – at the dining room table the night before!!! Which is maybe the best thing I’ve ever, ever, ever heard. Only Sonja could pull a Weekend At Bernie’s ON HERSELF. I hereby demand Sonja Tremont Morgan be followed with Bravo cameras 24/7 next season. We deserve it.

Ramona wanders into the kitchen muttering that she was “poked” the night before by Bethenny, so she just poked right back. She also tries to rope Dorinda – and everyone – into her campaign against Bethenny. But everyone is like, er, let’s just eat Dorinda’s eggs and pretend Ramona is a normal human being! Speaking of people who think they’re normal, Sonja sidles into the kitchen wearing Dorinda’s silk pajamas, which she thinks is perfectly acceptable houseguest behavior.

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Then Sonja flops herself down on Tinsley’s bed upstairs to discuss ConnorGate with her. It comes down to this: Tinsley doesn’t want to be treated like a child, but Sonja feels like she’s acting like one. “I have rules!” shouts Sonja, who feels like she’s been more than generous with her live-in prisoner guest. Tinsley’s like, okay, okay, OKAY! Meanwhile silently planning her escape.

After the den of vipers leave Dorinda’s home, she realizes Ramona has trashed her room – including ripping off its freaking light fixtures. What. The. Hell. Ramona?!?!?! Dorinda wonders if Ramona treats all of her friends with such consideration, or just Dorinda? In any case, the proof is in the damaged drywall. Ramona is unfit for human companionship or cohabitation. She needs to be surrounded by orange cones and hazard tape at all times.

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Back in the city, Carole helps Adam shoot a riveting food video, followed by showing Tinsley the available apartment in her building. The apartment is beautiful, and it’s far away from Sonja. So, check and check. Tinsley is interested, even though she’ll have to hoof it all the way uptown to get her blowouts. (Single tear for her distress.) She also acts interested in Adam’s “sexy salad” video, Carole’s cats, and Carole’s invitation to an art gallery opening – in which Carole will be featured.

Bethenny is home cleaning bugs out of her closet and asking her assistant to identify various moth species. Dorinda’s John de-mothified her bedroom for $10K already, but apparently, these moths are survivors. They came to stay.

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Aaaiieee! It’s time for a blast from the past! Jill and Bobby Zarin join Dorinda, Luann, Tom and another couple for lunch to catch up before Lu’s wedding. After niceties are exchanged, Dorinda fills Jill in on the drama between Ramona and Bethenny. This is music to Jill’s long-dormant ears. “I’m not gonna lie, I miss the gossip,” Jill wistfully sighs. Luann then dishes about Ramona making it her mission to discredit Tom all around town. Jill calls Ramona obnoxious, which is like a hippo calling a pig rotund. But anyway. She thinks Ramona just likes to stir the sh*t, and she should know, being a former sh*t stirrer of the highest order herself.

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Jill thought she and Ramona were good, so she invited her to a party last summer. But Ramona didn’t reciprocate an invitation to her own party later in the summer. So, maybe Jill’s imagined friendship with Ramona is not so great? Jill just thinks Ramona is a mess, so she wants everyone else to be lonely and unhappy. Dorinda defends Ramona, believing that Ramona’s nuttiness is about something deeper. Yeah. It’s probably found in the DSM IV, if anyone has a spare 40 hours of research time on their hands.

It’s the night of the art gallery opening, and Carole’s image is everywhere! It’s moving! It’s nude! It’s psychedelic! The pieces are actually very cool, and Carole is happy to see Dorinda, Bethenny, and Tinsley show up to support her. She also invited Ramona, despite the Berkshires insanity, but it looks like she’s a no-show (so far). Dorinda tells the ladies about Ramona destroying her house like a rabid wildebeest, which is no surprise to anyone. Bethenny never plans on speaking to her again but – ACK! Ramona does show up, so she’ll have to plan her exit strategy immediately.

As for Ramona’s strategy? She plans to make absolutely no effort to explain her destroyed room to Dorinda. Then she launches into a deranged dissection of her argument with Bethenny. Dorinda’s face reads: YOU NEED A STRAIGHT JACKET. But she remains calm, sipping from her plastic cup while Ramona drones on and on. Across the room, Carole tries to set Tinsley up with her dentist.

After Sonja arrives, Bethenny tells her that she and Ramona are done forever. Bethenny thinks Ramona is just jealous, plain and simple. Sonja can’t bring herself to agree, nor does she have time to after Ramona choke-holds her in a hug, triggering Bethenny’s second abrupt exit of the episode. Ramona stays behind to deliver her tirade to Sonja. A tirade which, I fear, we’ll be hearing rehashed for the remainder of the season.

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Finally, Tom and Luann jump in the car that will drive them to their destiny, otherwise known as the airport. They’re Palm Beach bound, baby! And Luann is giddy with excitement about becoming a wife. Tom is just excited about the “hall pass” he’s getting the night before their wedding. Which should tell Luann everything she needs to know about this man. But let’s face it – she already does, and has made it clear that she just doesn’t give a toss. Well, lots o’ luck to these crazy kids. They’ll need it.

TELL US: WHAT’S YOUR TAKE ON THE RAMONA/BETHENNY BLOW UP? WILL THEY EVER SPEAK AGAIN? DID YOU LIKE SEEING JILL BACK ON RHONY?

Photo Credit: Bravo

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