On last night’s Real Housewives Of New York, Carole Radziwill and Dorinda Medley take it to the streets, heading to D.C. for the Women’s March, while back in NYC Ramona Singer shellacs her hair back in a tragic Blonde-Ambition-meets-Pinot-and-Ambien look and throws a party with the shadiest guest list she can summon. Ramona’s
informant friend Missy, who accused Tom D’Agostino of snogging her in a limo while concurrently being engaged to Luann De Lesseps, is resurrected from her UES cryogenic chamber for the evening to confront the recently married couple. Meanwhile, Tinsley Mortimer continues planning her escape, and Sonja Morgan tries to understand what the hell Frenchie is saying.
We begin with Tinsley and Carole meeting for lunch, where they break Tinsley’s sad situation down: She’s living with an oppressive tyrant and needs to move out. Her mom is coming into town to help her apartment hunt, in fact. Carole and Tinsley were also invited to the Winter Botanical Garden, which solidified them as new “pals” in the social rags. It also helped Tinsley’s socialite comeback tour, which she still sadly imagines is real.
Carole thinks Tinsley should just reinvent herself completely rather than attempt to capture the distant past. But Tinsley wants to keep her long curls and fake lashes and bad choices in men! So, she’s sticking to the plan.
Over at Sonja’s, Frenchie is opening a bottle of wine in his new house. Which is also Sonja’s house. Which is a part-time situation, claims Sonja, because he technically also lives in Paris. Sonja isn’t used to this new living arrangement quite yet, as it requires sharing space and closed-door crapping. Two things Sonja doesn’t have the time nor the inclination to prioritize.
As she and Frenchie lay in bed, he encourages Sonja to let her friends talk! Who cares about the world judging them and their communal defecation rites? He does care about Sonja’s other boyfriend, Rocco, though – but only up to a point. He doesn’t mind if she still sees him
because he also has three extra girlfriends. “I love the way you think,” sighs Sonja, who’s found her match – someone who doesn’t give a rip who she smooches in public. (Wait – are Rocco and Luann essentially the same person?!)
At Ramona’s, she’s cheering her newly-renovated
face apartment, planning a cocktail party to celebrate. She’s inviting all of the ladies – including Bethenny Frankel, who she claims to “still like.” Um, despite hating her?
Apartment hunting time! (Oh please, show us some amazing real estate, RHONY. You owe us for dragging us through the Tom/Luann saga for A YEAR!!!) Tinsley and her mom are on Bleeker and 11th, checking out a 1,500-square foot, $9k per month property. You know, just a little 4-bedroom crash pad for a girl to rest her curls between step and repeats. Tinsley quickly glosses over the fact that she’s got a job and TONS of family money, so cost is no issue. And this, my friends, is why Sonja Tremont Morgan deeply resents young Tins. Girlfriend has not fallen on hard times, no matter what she claims.
Hooray! Carole’s long-suffering, broke-down couch is about to get recovered! It’s been a long time coming, but, as her fabric consultant suggests, whatever fabric they use, it will be destroyed instantly by these animals unless she gets this litter box under control. Carole dumbly suggests wrapping tinfoil around the couch feet as a preventative measure.
When Adam walks in, Carole reminds us how happy she is living alone again. She also wants to get the last of Adam’s possessions out of her space – Buddha heads, food containers, sh*t in the corners of closets – IT ALL MUST GO! Adam laughs off her pushiness, reminding us that 1) maybe he truly just doesn’t give a toss about this relationship, or 2) Carole is paying for his new apartment. I refuse to accept a third possibility!
Tinsley is still roaming the city looking at amazing properties with mom – this time uptown. Tinsley is practically in tears making a decision, so mom suggests she just live in a hotel. As one does. Tinsley can barely operate the door lock, she’s so flustered. Which doesn’t bode well for the You’re gonna make it after all! theme she’s going for here.
Over at Bethenny’s
endless commercial Soho apartment, Fredrik Eklund is visiting to discuss selling her property. Fredrick comments that it smells different in here – is that the smell of Skinnygirl (TM) cleaner? Bethenny has rearranged the joint to his liking, but still needs to remove the bar – he doesn’t care if it breaks into a million pieces! So Bethenny makes the call to give the order, telling Fredrik to “f**k right off” as he openly laughs about her ordeal. He thinks she can get $5.25 million for this place – if she listens to him. Which she should.
Carole and Dorinda are heading to D.C. for the Women’s March, which they’re bonding over while packing. Carole wants to witness a historic event, and Dorinda is marching on behalf of her daughter. Carole will need her “lucky monkey” to do this, apparently.
Sonja visits Rocco at his restaurant, which he’s sweetly shut down just for
Bravo cameras Sonja. Sonja reflects that she’s “stuck between a Rocco and a hard place” (is that line in her off-off-off Broadway act?), but she has to fess up about Frenchie. “I don’t want to cheat again,” says Rocco of dating, forcing Sonja to go into complete nonsense mode. Her attempt to explain the Frenchie situation goes thusly: I took home a Parisian, slept with him, thought he’d go home, but – um – he’s still here! Only part time though! And I’m only dating you, Rocco! So…all good?
Taken aback but remaining calm, Rocco asks Sonja what she thinks about their relationship? Sonja doesn’t know how that will work because – YO, she has a man living with her, dude. But Rocco, completely unaware of the truth, just holds out hope that delusional Sonja will someday regain her sanity. He is a true hero.
At the Women’s March, Dorinda and Carole meet up with friends to make their voices heard. Carole wants to hold this administration accountable and feels empowered as she’s surrounded by like-minded people. Dorinda is elated by the turnout, not just in D.C., but world wide. And – politics aside – it’s refreshing to see the Housewives (ANY Housewives) engage in a real life event rather than a petty, manufactured product-schilling party. (Plus, I’m sure Ramona will be simply riveted by hearing all of the political details at her party later!)
Back in NYC, Ramona is party prepping. By which, I mean she’s pulled her hair back to within an inch of its plasticity, and her caterer is arranging plates. Carole arrives first to side-eye Ramona’s new vibe, and her I Dream Of Jeannie look – which incidentally, also includes breasts hiked up to chin-rest level. Tinsley and her mother, then Dorinda wander in next, all taken aback by Ramona’s crazy getup. No matter! For Harry Dubin arrives next to check out the newest Housewife: Tinsley. Carole silently wonders if she’ll be his next
victim playmate? Sonja just wonders if Harry will pay her nursing home bills.
Bethenny will not be attending this grand event, as she loathes Ramona now and forever – just in case Ramona was wondering. But Ramona still doesn’t get it, even though Dorinda and Carole try to beat it in to her head. You were drunk and batsh*t crazy, they basically say. But Ramona doesn’t want to rehash the particulars (which she claims to have blacked out). She just wants to make it nice again! However, Ramona ain’t Dorinda. And her basic lack of communication skills, insight, and personal reflection (not to mention hideous hair don’ts) won’t help matters. Plus, why does she even want to be friends with Bethenny again if she meant even a portion of what she said in the Berkshires?
But Bethenny is not the most critical (non) guest worth discussing. No, no. It’s Missy, Ramona’s friend who formerly claimed Tom made advances on her. After Luann and Tom arrive, thrilled to be married and finally above the gossip (bwahahaha! nice try, love birds), Missy is trotted out like an anti-diplomat. She’s here to break bonds and burn bridges, which Ramona clearly orchestrated although she claims it was all just a big invite mistake. Oops!
When Tom introduces Missy to Luann, he sheepishly says he knows her from the Regency. (The location of his almost constant philandering, if anyone out there hasn’t seen the last 1,000 hours of RHONY.) Tom’s fuchsia face reads: Get me the EFF outta here. But Luann, ever bizarrely calm in the face of being publicly humiliated, just smiles and laughs the laugh of a woman who cares more about wearing her wedding ring than she does about her husband wearing his.
Missy was also allegedly the woman dating Tom when Luann “stole” him (says Ramona), so Luann is well aware of who this chick is. She might also want to be aware of the banter between Tom and Missy as they have a side conversation about marriage though. Tom says he’s “getting used to” his ring, but it’s “like a dog with a collar”
who sh*ts all over everything you own. Unaware, Luann pulls Tom aside to confirm that Missy was a woman that he once dated. He’s all, “Um, yeah. She’s nice. She’s happy for us.” Which is all Luann needs to re-paste the fake smile on her face as if to say, It’s cool! It’s not all uncool! Except that it’s totally uncool. And everyone knows it.
Dear God! Even Harry knows it! Taking Missy aside, he asks if Tom really dragged her into the bathroom at the Regency? Missy deflects by claiming she doesn’t want to be involved in this mess, so Harry doesn’t press. He just hits on her instead. Because, well, Harry is Harry.
So, Sonja bottoms lines it: Ramona set this sh*t up, and she knows it. Luann knows it. Missy knows it. Tom knows it. Santa Claus and all twelve reindeer know it. The only one who thinks she’s slick is Ramona, whose ponytail must have stretched her brain into a new shape of psychosis.
TELL US: WAS MISSY A SETUP? DID TOM CHEAT ON LUANN WITH HER? WILL SONJA COME CLEAN WITH ROCCO? WHAT’S UP WITH THAT PONYTAIL, MAN?
Photo Credit: Bravo