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Last night’s Real Housewives Of New York was all about manners and anal sex – and who has which, or both, or – oh hell! I don’t know. I do know that Dorinda Medley has very strong opinions about it all, and the artist formerly known as Countess Luann de Lesseps [D’Agostino] gets caught in Dorinda’s crosshairs because of it – sort of. Alas, having used up all of her “CLIP! CLIIIIIIPPPP!”s for the week, Gangsta Do is forced to come up with new ways of saying, I think you’re a world class asswipe, m’lady! to her trip mate.

It seems everyone has survived their first night in Vermont. Bethenny Frankel locking Luann in the basement hasn’t actually killed the NEW BRIDE, so the ladies are free to indulge in avocado toast before hitting the slopes. While Ramona Singer brings her sister-wife, Sonja Morgan, coffee in bed, Bethenny apologizes to Tinsley Mortimer for being cold to her at dinner the previous night. She’s going through her own relationship hell, so she doesn’t need to be piling on anyone else about theirs. Tinsley feels slightly relieved that she’ll be attacked by one less Housewife on this trip, but she’s still generally overwhelmed (because that is her default setting).

Sonja tries to transition into the friend of a BRIDE (hey guys – did you hear Luann was married?) rather than a friend of single Lu. But her words get mangled and trail off and circle back around in the loopy, delusional world that is Lady Morgan. And Luann doesn’t like it one bit. She still wants a straight apology from Sonja for talking about them both sleeping with the same man – which, by the way, is just a fact of life. I have to change ME to fit into their lives? wonders Sonja, who barely manages to changes her underwear. Essentially, Luann is barking up the wrong crumbling townhouse.

Everyone but Dorinda (who did give up her room for Ramona and Sonja after all!) and Carole Radziwill goes skiing, some of them barely containing their contempt for “East Coast skiing.” Ramona has also curled her hair in an effort to keep helmet head at bay, and snags a young hottie to help scoot her carcass down the mountain. Sonja will have to schlep down with Ramona’s reject, aka, “the older, seasoned gentlemen.” That guy kinda dodged a bullet, but not really, eh? Hmm. #ExistentialDilemma

Meanwhile, Carole and Dorinda sit in the ski lodge, gossiping about the other women. Their assessment thus far: Luann, Sonja, and Ramona are nutso. But Dorinda thinks Sonja does need to back off of the comments about Tom D’Agostino because Luann is going to bust a countess cap in her behind soon. Carole thinks the ladies ganged up on Tinsley too much too. Everyone else is allowed at least one psychotic meltdown on this show – why not her?

Carole then reveals that Bethenny’s ex, Jason Hoppy, was arrested (for the school incident back in January) and news has broken on Page Six. She confides in Dorinda that she’s seen Jason’s consistent gas-lighting of Bethenny over the years, but now their toxic situation has come to a public head after he confronted Bethenny at their daughter Bryn’s school, shouting, “I will destroy you!” Jason was charged with harassment and stalking (the charges total in five now, three then) for this scene, aided by the 160 threatening emails he sent her over a period of months around this same time. “It’s disgraceful,” says Dorinda, shocked. “What is wrong with him?” Carole says Jason’s behavior is not just an annoyance; it’s systematic bullying.

On the slopes, Bethenny is armed with a Skinnygirl snowboard, which she nearly uses to beat Ramona senseless with as she flirts with her nubile ski instructor. Ramona can ski better than she can walk in a macrame bikini, apparently, because she attacks the hill with confidence – until Tinsley harshes her mellow by existing. Also, Ramona wants to remind us: THIS IS NOT ASPEN! And she doesn’t like snowboarders behind her! Namely, Skinnygirl snowboarders who would like very much to slice her off at the knees if given the chance.

After skiing, Bethenny admits she’s tense on this trip, mainly because of Ramona. She’s nervous about spending time with Ramona in Mexico too, but she may only have to put up with her for half of the trip after all. Tim, the hot ski instructor, is now being ordered around by Ramona as if he’s Sonja’s intern. She’d like a Corona, please! And all of the other ladies need drinks too, Tim! Tim’s like, Um yeah. Okay lady. Please blink at least once so I know you won’t murder me tonight. Dorinda is horrified by Ramona’s behavior, which has sailed way past cougar into feral-alley-cat-with-severe-mange territory.

Seeing that Bethenny is distracted and down, Sonja wonders if she’s okay? Wow – Sonja with a whiff of emotional intelligence! What is IN this mountain air? Bethenny is obviously reading the news about Jason on her phone, which Dorinda knows – and deflects as well as she can. Bethenny doesn’t want to share her situation with this group, who aren’t as a whole the most supportive bunch. To wit: Carole openly judging Tinsley about drinking on her anti-depressants. (As if 90% of Housewives aren’t on pills at any given moment – allegedly!)

Back at the lodge, Carole tells Bethenny that she confided in Dorinda about the Jason stuff, but Bethenny doesn’t really care. She just wants the madness to end. Downstairs, Luann just wants the fireplace to light when she snaps her NEW BRIDE fingers, but instead it kind of attacks her. Because not one of these chicks knows how to start a freaking fire. I smell a forced Bravo activity in their future! (Please, Andy, make this happen.)

While Ramona curls Sonja’s hair in a replica of her helmet-repellent ‘do, they discuss the Mexico trip with Luann. The half-trip invitation extended to Ramona by way of Luann is floated out there, much to Ramona’s disgust. Hmmph! She requires a proper invitation! That she can reject in FULL! You know, like the one she wanted to Luann’s wedding?

Elsewhere in the lodge, Dorinda notes that Tinsley is winning an Olympic medal in day drinking – something which she, herself, places in regularly. Tinsley is also moving in on Dorinda’s trademark slur-speech, which can only signal one thing: Dorinda needs to start doing shots NOW. We need a RHONY slur-off, people!

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At dinner later, Bethenny has the bright idea of changing the weird table vibe by playing a game – Truth or Dare, perhaps? (OMG – where’s Ramona’s high pony when you need it!?!?). Carole complains that it’s too easy to lie in Truth or Dare, then asks the most ridiculous question possible: “How old were you when you first had anal sex?” Suddenly perking up, Tinsley’s like, Ooh me! Pick me! I want to stay relevant! Oh, grasshopper. You are green in the ways of the stealth Housewife, volunteering information much too quickly about your bedroom habits with ole’ Topper. But yes, she says, they had anal. And no, she did not enjoy it. In fact, she cried! <sad emoji face with single tear>

Sonja’s reaction to this conversation is everyone’s face right now:

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But it’s Dorinda who quite suddenly straps on her Judgey-McJudgster pants, telling the table that anal is simply “unnatural!” and she would never, ever do it. Then Luann is pearl-clutching, Bethenny is smirking, and everyone is just trying to get their wits about them over Tinsley’s “truth” before Sonja is dared next to french kiss the waiter. She aims, she shoots…and, sadly, she does not score. The poor, abused waiter wrenches himself free from Sonja’s grasp (plates still in hand- LOL!) before she can do the deed.

The Real Housewives Of New York Recap: A Slippery Slope

So, who’s next? Dorinda! “How big is John’s penis?” asks Bethenny. Using a cucumber on steroids as a prop, Dorinda claims it’s YUUUUUUGE. Tinsley pipes up that, by the way, her ex-husbands was huge too! “That’s why it hurt when it went up your ass,” retorts Bethenny. Then Ramona is asked by Carole, “How many men have you been sexually active with since Mario?” Ramona says three. Intercourse only! Oral sex…? Well, Ramona has standards, ya’ll. She’s not spilling any numbers there. And we thank her from the bottom of our hearts for that.

Conversation turns to kissing, which Sonja claims she wants none of! Sex, sure. But “do not touch my lips!” warns Sonja. Because they’ve been sucking on rancid ice cubes? Luann takes this moment to brag about being “so lucky right now” to be in a relationship, which makes her superior to every other b*tch at this table – or so she thinks. Dorinda, however, does not think so. And she’s had juuuuust enough alcohol at this point to slur-tack Luann about her – and Tom’s – recent past, which according to her, included “f**king everybody!”

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Ooh lordt. Here we go. Dorinda wonders why everyone has to pretend like Tom and Luann are the perfect married couple now? Luann defends that she’s JUST HAPPY, DAMMIT! “I hardly speak about my marriage,” says a very non-self aware Luann. As the table gears up for attack, Bethenny oddly steps in to defend Luann – she thinks they should all just let her have her moment, especially given the “rough road” she had to the altar. Dorinda can’t believe her ears. (Or her blood alcohol level. But never mind that!)

It should also be mentioned that we are at the point in our programming in which Bravo is forced to subtitle every single word coming out of Dorinda’s mouth – which is my very favorite time ever.

But Bethenny isn’t so much as buoying Luann up about being a BRIDE as much as she’s reminding her about the public scandals, the cheating, the friend-investigations, etc…that all went down in the months before her moment of bitter destiny arrived. Luann chooses not to hear any of it though, instead doing what she does best: Pretending it doesn’t exist. As Bethenny rehashes it all, Luann suddenly cuts her off to make a toast in her own honor. “Guess what?” she cheers, raising a glass to blindness, “I made it!”

Well past the point of reason, Dorinda just wants to remind Luann, “I’m a good pershon! You’re not GOD! You’re not the teasher of all of dish…um…” Seeing that this is not the drunken hill she wants to die on, Luann just says she loves her and it’s all good. Dorinda loooovshes her too! Then Carole makes a toast about ships and ruins everything. Until Sonja yells something about John being a super awesome dude or some crazy sh*t – and they all live happily ever after! For one night, at least.

TELL US: WILL BETHENNY OPEN UP ABOUT THE JASON SCANDAL? IS LUANN BRAGGING TOO MUCH ABOUT BEING MARRIED, OR JUST HAVING ‘HER MOMENT?’ DOES SONJA OWE LU AN APOLOGY?

Photo Credit: Bravo

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