Comscore

Paola-Flowers-Head-Thong-Model-Shoot-Bushes-90-Day-Fiance

Just when you thought Paola’s imaginary career was as sad as it could get, she scores a photoshoot that makes her look like a real live Instagram filter. On last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Russ tries to be supportive of his wife baring her goodies in public, while Pedro defends his intentions to Chantel – and her entire family – after their disastrous visit to the Dominican Republic. Mohamed and Danielle prepare for their appearance in court, and Jorge struggles to understand how lying to Anfisa for over a year could have possibly backfired on him.

In the Dominican Republic, Chantel and her family are heading back to Santo Domingo from their hotel in Santiago. They’re convinced Pedro is conning them (via his mother, Lydia) for a green card and money. But Pedro’s family thinks these Americans behaved worse than animals, only coming there to humiliate them! Pedro doesn’t know what to do – is wedding #2 happening or not? He says Chantel needs to decide between her family and him. Chantel thinks the same applies to Pedro and his family. In other words: These two are doomed.

In Florida, Alexei’s mom prepares to head back to Israel. Still bumming out about the immigration news they received, Alexei and Loren bid farewell to Natasha, knowing she likely won’t be moving to the U.S. anytime soon. After an emotional goodbye at the airport, Natasha stays hopeful about seeing her son and daughter in law again, even if there’s not a permanent move on the horizon.

With the annulment hearing just days away, Danielle is hoping all of her “social media evidence” against Mohamed will be enough to prove fraud. Also, she thinks Mohamed’s Walmart-friend, Tom, can somehow help her case. I think Danielle should look further than Walmart associates for guidance, but then again, this is Danielle we’re dealing with. At Tom’s house, Danielle presents her ironclad case. It involves Mohamed’s selfies with other women and other super-specific “things and stuff.” Danielle whines, “he’s been accusing me of all kinds of crap on social media!”

Tom naively thinks social media is what “destroyed” Danielle and Mohamed’s marriage, which like blaming Ohio for creating Danielle. It’s just…a stretch. This causes Danielle to produce evidence from her soiled duffel bag, which includes printouts of messages between Mohamed and some “New York lady.” As Tom sifts through Danielle’s wacky printouts, he silently thanks TLC’s camera crew for standing between him and possible murder – because Danielle’s face looks like she’s capable of anything right now. He also doesn’t think her printouts mean anything, claiming, “These are not factual.”

Danielle-Green-Shirt-Couch-90-Day-Fiance

Then, Danielle brings up her sex life, which even Walmart Tom doesn’t deserve to hear about. Oh lordt! She again complains that Mo only did the nasty with her once (which is exactly one time too many), so he must have been getting sex somewhere else. “Because it wasn’t from me!” she bemoans. Tom, and the rest of the planet, doesn’t want to hear about Danielle’s sex life. He also thinks Danielle should stop fixating on Mohamed and take care of her daughters for once in her life. After accusing Tom of not being on her side (duh), Danielle takes her big bag of crazy and marches out, screaming, “You’re NOT neutral!” She then howls at the night sky like a raving lunatic. Inside, Tom triple bolts his doors and vows never to talk to another person at Walmart again.

In Miami, Russ has a job interview for a field engineer position. Paola is excited that Russ may be able to support her totally nonexistent future in modeling. She thinks it’s the husband’s job to provide for his family, even though she forced her husband to move to a place that has zero prospects in his industry. She’s all about that equal partnership, yo! But Russ is basically willing to do anything it takes to keep Pao though, and she knows it.

Anfisa-Black-Halter-Confessional-90-Day-Fiance

But there’s a far more disastrous situation going on out West! Anfisa and Jorge have been separated for two weeks, and Anfisa needs to make her next move. She Skypes with her grandmother to seek comfort. And it’s here that we see where Anfisa got her sparkling personality, as her grandmother’s first words to her granddaughter are, “You look fat.” Anfisa just shrugs off the insult, then lies to grandma about the state of her marriage. She’s not ready to tell grandma the truth, nor does she have another sugar daddy lined up yet. So she keeps mum on the subject of Jorge for now.

Back in the DR, Chantel arrives in Santo Domingo with her wedding dress in tow. She and Pedro haven’t talked since her family took themselves hostage in the van the night before, and she’s wondering what’s going on…? Pedro’s bachelor party is going on! That’s what. Out at the bar, Pedro tells his friends that Chantel’s mad at him for sending money back to his family. They all agree that in the Dominican culture, that’s just what’s done, so homegirl needs to accept it.

However, when Pedro tells them that Chantel’s family dissed his grandmother, they agree that her family sucks. But Chantel is his true love! Encouraging Pedro to call her to make amends, Pedro’s friends all but throw their phones at him to do the deed. (Are these dudes on Lydia’s payroll? What is happening here?) Pedro complies, calling Chantel to ask what her problem is (and swearing that his phone has been dead, so he didn’t get her calls). He wonders whether they’re going through with the wedding after all? Chantel tells him to come to the hotel after his party and they’ll talk. Because sorting out marital crises after you’ve been drinking all night is a super solid plan!

In FL, Loren tells Alexi that she’s got a speaking engagement with the Tourette’s foundation. Alexei thinks she’ll do great, but can’t make the trip to D.C. for the event. Of course, Loren sees this as a personal slight. “It’s, like, a big deal,” she tells Alexei, not wanting to take no for an answer.

Okay – now back to some real drama! Jorge meets up with his buddy, Ramone, to complain about the abysmal state of his life. It’s been two years since Jorge has been denied basic rights hung out with friends, admitting he’s disconnected with at least twenty people since Anfisa’s entrance into his life. Ramone spouts some trite nonsense like, “Love is blind, man!” and “You need someone who motivates you!” hoping the camera is catching his good angle for his cameo on this sh*tshow. Jorge says being married to Anfisa feels like being a prisoner – except he seduced his own jailer under a cloak of lies, a small point he fails to divulge to Ramone. (Hey, Ramone, check out TLC on demand! The truth is out there…)

Chantel-Purple-Dress-90-Day-Fiance

With the wedding two days away, Chantel and Pedro meet at her hotel to discuss their future. Pedro says his family isn’t coming to the wedding, having been so majorly disrespected at his grandmother’s home. Chantel argues her family’s point: Pedro is just using her to finance his family’s come-up. Pedro thinks that’s his business to deal with, not Chantel’s – and certainly not her family’s.

But when Chantel accuses Pedro’s mom of basically being a manipulative witch, Pedro explodes. Throwing his green card on the bed, he yells that she can have it back. “I don’t need you!” shouts Pedro. “I don’t need your family!” No. But, um, I think you might need that green card, dude. So, thanks for the theatrics, but you might want to make a photocopy of that sh*t before you go tossing it on hotel beds in the future!

Holding on to a crying Chantel, Pedro now tries to reason with her. He repeats that his family is his problem, unaware that when you marry someone, that person’s family becomes EVERYONE’S problem (am I right, people?!). Chantel argues that Pedro’s mom and sister are living in a better situation than them, though, and it doesn’t seem fair. Is she not a priority? Pedro’s short answer is no. In his culture, she’s not; his mother is. “Maybe you need another husband,” snarks Pedro, pondering whether he should just stay in the DR. Wait – how would his mama get that flatscreen TV, then? Hmm. #conundrum

Paola-Blonde-Green-Dress-Couch-90-Day-Fiance

In Miami, Russ gets a job offer! The company he interviewed with, which is outside of the oil and gas industry, offered him a position at about half of what he was making in Oklahoma. This does not bode well, given the much higher standard of living in Miami, but Paola doesn’t care. She’s staying in Miami come hell or high water, and Russ’s downward career mobility has no bearing on her grand plans.

The saga/snooze fest of Loren and Alexei continues, as Loren leaves for her trip to D.C. and Alexei goes fishing with Loren’s dad. He’s got a few questions for his father in law, number one being: Why did you not know that Tourette’s is hereditary? To Alexei’s surprise, Loren’s father claims he never had any information on the subject. He says there was no support available when Loren was growing up, which is somewhat questionable considering Tourette’s is not some sort of new disorder. It’s tough to tell whether Loren’s parents couldn’t find out more about Tourette’s or if they simply didn’t do much research. Either way, Loren’s dad swears he was in the dark, only doing the best for his daughter with the limited information he had.

In LA, it’s time for Anfisa to start learning some life skills. But instead of doing that, she opts for facial injections! As she ponders life without Jorge, Anfisa decides that she prefers him driving her around better than paying for a car service. She also doesn’t plan on changing her lifestyle anytime soon, even if she has to drain her bank account to do it.

At the plastic surgeon’s clinic, Anfisa denies most of the botched work she’s had done in the past, then considers getting botox at the tender age of 21. Also, she pronounces “botox” as “buttocks,” which is further proof why 90 Day Fiance is the gift that just keeps on giving. You simply can’t write this brilliance. Anfisa may have many challenges in the facial department, but wrinkles ain’t one of them. Despite this, she opts for botox/buttocks injections, planning on a brow/face/personality lift down the road. All on Jorge’s dime, of course.

We travel back to the DR, where Pedro is now rethinking that green card toss and swearing his deep love for Chantel. He wants to put the past behind them. To do that, Chantel wants him to talk to her dad, which Pedro agrees to do. Given Chantel’s family’s actions toward Pedro’s family thus far, that conversation should go over about as well as a plate of lukewarm chicken parts.

Russ-Paola-Polo-White-Shirt-90-Day-Fiance

Dear readers, I regret to inform you that it’s officially time to witness Paola’s big break into the world of extremely low-rent modeling. Russ accompanies his blushing bride to her new “job opportunity,” ready to support her dreams of standing in a thong swimsuit and flower headband in public. The photographer, Mike, is apparently known for his juicy-booty shots, which Paola is only to happy to take. As Paola prepares for the shoot by complaining to her makeup artist about Russ’s hangups, Russ sits by, hating every moment of his life.

Paola-Flowers-Head-Thong-Model-Shoot-90-Day-Fiance

Then Poala poses on a literal step ladder in a yard (after removing her wedding ring with a sly smirk), popping her booty in every direction she’s commanded to. Russ is shocked at the public nature of this totally professional shoot. He’s like, These sexy photo shoots are not okay in Oklahoma! Um, Russ: These “sexy photo shoots” are not okay on the suburban streets of anywhere, USA. And they will never materialize into paid work. But how else is Paola gonna get her 100,000th follower on Instagram? A gal’s gotta climb as high as that collapsible step ladder will take her!

Whoa – now we’re suddenly back in the DR. (TLC, please work on your transitions.)  Chantel’s best friend, Gigi, has flown down to support her. And after she hears Chantel’s version of what’s gone down between the families, she supports Chantel’s demand that she be the priority in Pedro’s life. She also suspects Pedro’s family is using him for financial support, even though Pedro feels it’s his duty.

Gigi’s level-headed boyfriend brings up the point that Pedro’s father not being in his life puts major pressure on him as the “provider.” This is not an easy position to be in. THANK YOU, GIGI’S BOYFRIEND! Chantel just cries that everything is ruined now! She just wants Pedro’s family to come to their wedding! Whah!!! (Even though she didn’t want her own family to get out of the car to meet them? Okay, Chantel. Gotcha.)

It’s now been a month since Anfisa and Jorge split. So Jorge decides it’s time to recruit his family’s support. He visits his mom’s house, where his sister, Lourdes, is also in attendance, to complain about his marriage. Before he can do so, Jorge’s mother calls him out on never coming to see her – at least, ever since he’s been Anfisa’d. She feels like she’s lost him, crying that it’s like he’s a stranger in their family now. Jorge admits he rushed into his relationship with Anfisa. But he’s also still under her spell, explaining his plans to meet up with her – and to bring her a gift! Groannnnn. He knows what makes that woman tick. So does his family, who also know they can’t talk sense into their little pathetic man-child.

In order to please his wife, Pedro meets up with Chantel’s father, Thomas, and her brother, (#1 Pedro-Hater) River. Chantel’s father questions why Pedro is prioritizing his mother and sister above his wife? Pedro denies doing this, arguing that he’s working all day at two jobs to provide a better future for Chantel. So, why is this “better future” a few years off for Chantel, but happening so quickly for Pedro’s family in the DR?

But Pedro really takes offense when Chantel’s dad claims that his daughter lived the same (if not better) lifestyle before Pedro came on the scene. Pedro’s like, “Better before me? BEFORE ME?!?” Seeing Pedro’s anger rise, River stupidly inserts himself into the argument, reminding Pedro that he needs to respect his dad. Pedro, whose family has been disrespected six ways to Sunday by these people, goes nuts on River about his mangled notions of respect.

Back to the issue at hand, Thomas again asks why Pedro’s mother and sister are living in better circumstances than he and his daughter are? Pedro reminds him that money stretches further in the DR. It’s not about the dollar amount though, as Thomas alludes to next. He thinks Lydia is using Pedro for financial gain, plain and simple. At this accusation, Pedro becomes incredulous. He thinks these people just want their daughter to be married to someone else. Because between the prenup, and now this, maybe he ain’t it.

Mohamed-Red-Shirt-Couch-90-Day-Fiance

Speaking of people who should not now, nor ever, be married to one another, Mohamed and Danielle are still building their arsenals against one another for court. Mo meets with his lawyer, who advises him to be prepared for battle. Also, he needs legal representation in that court room, which Mohamed still doesn’t have. Mo absurdly claims, “I don’t need a lawyer – I know what I’m doing!” This, from a man who can’t even extract himself from deranged social media battles with a woman who struggles to pronounce “consummate.” Oh my. Well, Mohamed. Rots o’ ruck to you! The justice system awaits your case. And Tunisia might await your swift return.

TELL US: SHOULD MOHAMED REPRESENT HIMSELF IN COURT? ARE PEDRO AND CHANTEL HEADED FOR DIVORCE? IS JORGE EVER GOING TO GET A CLUE? WHERE IS PAOLA’S MODELING CAREER TAKING HER?

Photo Credit: TLC

Click here to read our Comment Policy