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TLC producers are obviously working overtime trying to unearth more sorry souls doomed to botch their lives forever, because after last night’s 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, we bore witness to a new iteration of the 90 Day franchise – Before The 90 Days. While we’ll only be recapping our usual couples’ stories here at Reality Tea, feel free to comment on the new train wrecks folks as well as the old!

Our tales already in progress include star-crossed lovers, Chantel and Pedro, about to wed for the second time even though their families basically want to murder each other. Danielle and Mohamed, who are set to face off in court, continue to delude themselves that the other is 100% to blame for their disastrous marriage. We also find Russ having to accept Paola’s new grand plan of “starring” in a music video, which we all know she’ll do with or without his permission. And finally, Jorge pathetically plans to grovel to Anfisa about giving him a second chance to be systematically tortured.

In the Dominican Republic, Pedro complains to Chantel about her father and brother reaming him out. He knows her family doesn’t accept him, so where do they go from here? He’s all, Baby, Baby, Baby! But Chantel sort of agrees with her family that Pedro’s mom is using her. She’s just not brave enough to cop to it yet. With the wedding only days away, she better take an honesty pill soon. Nah. She’ll just shop for wedding dresses instead!

In LA, Anfisa is still living the single life, so she meets Miranda at the pool to soak in the luxuries she expected Jorge to provide her. Question: What is this chick doing for money? She claims she’s living off of her savings, but I don’t buy it. She’s getting botox, going out to eat, shopping, tanning – all of the things she dreamed of while growing up with grandma in Russia. She also tells Miranda that Jorge has been messaging her constantly, and she’s finally agreed to meet him.

In a shocking confession, Anfisa claims Jorge was her first sexual partner – EVER – and she shares a certain bond with him. Miranda’s like, mmmkay. There are not enough side-eyes on the planet to address this claim. In any case, Anfisa feels like the wronged party, considering the lies Jorge fed her about his finances and his lifestyle in the US. She also hates the way Jorge portrays her as the bad guy to his family, while never admitting his own part in things. AGREED. But, yo, Anfisa – you need to immediately stop physically assaulting that guy if you really want to play innocent victim. Go take up kickboxing, crazy lady!

In Ohio, Mohamed checks into his roach motel, mentally preparing for his battle in court. He’s meeting up with Walmart Tom who – NEWSFLASH!!! – is married.  What. The. Hell? I did not see that sh*t coming. Tom pops by to fill Mohamed on Danielle’s duffel-bag “evidence,” and her unhinged screeching on the sidewalk. Tom wonders what Mohamed will do if he has to be deported? Mohamed’s deadpans, “It’s so sad.” He doesn’t seem scared of Danielle and her big bag of bullsh*t, but he should be, considering he’s got an equally big bag himself. In any case, Tom promises they’ll be friends forever! Because Walmart friends with tragic comb-overs are really what you want in your corner when your life hangs in the balance.

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As Russ and Paola celebrate his new job in Miami, Paola cooks in a crop top and presents her latest proposition. She wants to appear in a Reggaeton music video for some shady band who contacted her via social media. She’s going to be the “lead model!” says the unnamed producer from Instagram. Russ doesn’t like the sound of this, nor does he want Paola to travel all the way to New Jersey just to twerk in a video for nobodies. But nobodies are exactly who’s hiring models of Paola’s stature, so he’ll have to suck it up – which he’s become very accustomed to doing.

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Back in the DR, Chantel and Pedro check into the resort where their wedding will be held – the NEXT DAY! Chantel’s family hasn’t arrived yet, as they’re locked in the van outside. Kidding! (But, actually…are they?) Oh wait, here they are, smiling through gritted teeth as they attempt to talk to their daughter. Pedro refuses to turn around and even acknowledge them, which highlights his immaturity, but is also mildly understandable given the treatment he’s endured at their hands lately.

Moving back to the mess in California, Jorge is busy choosing the perfect gift for Anfisa – one that he delusionally dreams will “fix everything!” Um, Jorge: If it’s not a house, a car, a country club membership, and a solvent bank account, you’re sh*t out of luck. But Jorge thinks a second-hand $300 cuff bracelet will do the trick. His friend, Ramon, agrees, not foreseeing Anfisa beating Jorge with said cuff as soon as she gazes upon it.

After they meet with the wedding planner, who is directed to keep Chantel and Pedro’s families FAR apart – like, out of shooting distance, at least – Chantel hopes that her wedding day won’t manifest into the worst day of her life. Because after the horrific week she’s had, it would only follow suit that her wedding day end up in an all out chicken feet-slinging brawl.

Oh lord. It’s time for Paola’s delusions of grandeur to be put on display again. This time, she’s at some sort of yacht club event meeting up with her complete fraud of an agent, Caroline, who claims this is “the networking spot to BE!” and that millionaires, producers, etcetera will be all over Paola once she steps through these hallowed doors.

After they mingle inside awhile, it becomes clear that this scene is more about wanna-be models dancing to the beat while dudes in T-shirts wander around gawking. But Paola is more interested in complaining about Russ’s hangups, which she does when she sees an old friend appear. Her friend of course echoes what every other “Team Pao” stan has said: Russ should trust her and support her unconditionally – even if it means shaking her s$$ in random videos. “Make the money!” her friends cheers.

Also cheering her dastardly plans is Danielle, who feels ready for court (she’s got her lady clothes laid out and everything, ya’ll!). She’s not ready to let go of Mohamed, though, and admits “it feels like a death” thinking she’ll never be able to torture him from afar see him again. Danielle also suspects Mo is up to something, so she calls to warn him to “please be civil tomorrow and don’t do nothin’ to start drama.” These are the words of a woman who literally stalks her ex to Miami to throw things at him in the street.

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But we’ll have to wait another week to see whether “da annulment” is granted, because it’s back to the Pedro and Chantel drama we go! And oh boy, it’s gonna get crazy up in here with Chantel, Pedro’s mom (Lydia), and sister, who sit down for a little…chat. Chantel begins by apologizing for her family’s rude behavior at Pedro’s grandmother’s house. Pedro’s sister wonders why Chantel’s family acted so rudely? Chantel admits her family thinks Pedro married an American just for money and a green card.

Laughing straight in her face, Lydia says she doesn’t care what country Pedro’s bride hails from as long as those flat screen TVs keep comin’. Chantel adds that she wants Pedro to put her first, to make “more gestures” toward her that show he’s willing to support her as his wife – like, perhaps buy her one tenth of the gifts he’s continually funneling Mama Pedro’s way? In her culture, that’s the way things should be. Pedro’s sister takes offense, saying “I don’t care about your culture!” which is essentially the problem BOTH of these families are facing.

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Both Lydia and her daughter think Chantel is insane, and are sick of her “repeating herself thousands of times” about being tormented in her life with Pedro. Pedro’s sister is sick of her whining. She wonder if her mom is supposed to live under a bridge just because Chantel is laying her head down next to a microwave every night!?!? Was this chick living in some sort of mansion before Pedro came on the scene? No and no. But that’s not the entire issue here.

Chantel, sick of Pedro’s sister’s finger in her face, finally snaps. She spent all of her savings to bring Pedro to the U.S., and feels she’s not being repaid in kind. Amid the screaming, Chantel finally puts up her hand, shouting that she’s “not gonna sit here and be disrespected by two ignorant people right now!” Pedro’s sister shuts her down, saying to just “Divorce him, period.” But when Chantel mistakes the Spanish word for “period” as “b*tch,” Pedro’s sister doesn’t correct her. Instead, she eggs her on – outraging Chantel and causing her to march off in a huff, calling her a “slut a$$ whore!!!” all the way out. Lydia and her daughter just cackle, again calling Chantel crazy, ultimately knowing they’ve got the upper hand. And in their culture (according to them), they always will.

So, about that seating arrangement at the wedding…?

TELL US: WILL PEDRO AND CHANTEL’S FAMILIES EVER REACH A TRUCE? WHO’S MORE TO BLAME? IS PAOLA’S VIDEO GIG LEGIT? WILL JORGE’S GIFT WIN ANFISA BACK? WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO START COURTROOM DRAMA – MOHAMED OR DANIELLE?

Photo Credit: TLC

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