I’m over it. You’re over it. My neighbor, who doesn’t even watch The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, is over it. But Siggy Flicker is NOT OVER IT, people! Yes, we’re talking about Boca. And this week, Siggy decides to take her juvenile antics to a lower level of pre-K when she literally sticks her tongue out at Margaret Josephs to drive the point home. The point being…nanny nanny boo boo? Not to be outdone by the Most Talented Person On The Planet, Melissa Gorga and Teresa Giudice decide to scrap as well. Whether their drama is real or fake is still up for debate, but there’s no doubt that mutual resentment is buried deep in the basement of each woman’s respective McMansion.
At Margaret’s house, she’s returning from Vegas just in time to “wash the puss and the pits.” Marge Sr. is happy to hear Marge Jr.’s success in getting her shoe line licensed. She also got to steal some hotel slippers, so the trip was a big win. Margaret didn’t have time to by her husband, Joe, anything in Vegas though, so he’s grumpy. She thinks he’s a stage 5 clinger and needs him to back-that-sh*t-up when she walks in the door. She also needs Siggy to take several seats, especially after she hears about her continued cake drama at the purse party. “This is like high school,” says Marge. “I love it.”
Over at Dolores Catania’s house, Frank Sr. and Frank Jr. are using power tools and showing off their recently oiled muscles on camera. Look, I don’t know what goes on in the Catania household, but maybe these dudes might want to consider backing away from the
protein powder…? Dolores likes the looks of muscly men fixing things, and she’s got a present for them to show her appreciation: A doggy bag from HER BOYFRIEND. What. The. Hell?!? Ok – this situation is either so staged or so freaking weird, I can’t even comment.
Frank Sr. wants to know if things are getting serious with David – the boyfriend – but Dolores evades. “I do see a future with David, but the love of my life was Frank Catania,” she sighs, admitting that getting married again means their relationship is officially over. Um…so do divorce papers, ma’am.
When Dolores tells Frank Sr. about the accusations Danielle Staub has leveled against her, he doesn’t even respond. She’s more upset about Teresa sorta-kinda believing Danielle, though, especially after she’s defended her through the years. Frank Sr. is convinced that Teresa will see the light eventually. She may never apologize, but she’ll come back to Dolores’ team.
At Melissa and Joe Gorga’s new restaurant. Joe is hanging his new sign, proud that the name “Gorga” is finally in lights. In a strip mall. A very touching moment comes when Melissa and Teresa bring Giacinto in to look at the new place, telling him how they’ll cook all of “mom’s old recipes” here. Joe and Tre have also hung old photos of their parents around the dining room, which bring tears to their father’s eyes.
“My baby,” he says, swallowing hard and tearing up as he looks up at his wedding photo. Oh my god, you guys. My hard little recapper’s heart is breaking for this man right now! Teresa and Joe are barely holding it together too, noting that losing a partner of 47 years (not 37, as Joe formerly mistakenly said) is brutal for their dad. They hope the restaurant brings their family together in her absence, and they know she’s looking down on them.
But at this particular moment, Mama Gorga is looking down at Melissa and Teresa arguing over photos – namely a HUGE pic of Melissa that she placed front and center of the restaurant. This photo barely shows Joe’s face, but of course that doesn’t matter to “On Display” Mel. Teresa’s like, “She’s not even a GORGA!” Joe lamely tries to defend his wife, which Teresa doesn’t want to hear. So Melissa gets pissed and marches out. You know, this argument looks half baked with a pinch of hatred. I think these two are actually fine with each other, but just love any opportunity to take digs. Essentially, the sprinkle cookie resentment will live on forever.
We must pause here for a commercial break. Because: WHY ARE SIGGY AND DOLORES ON A THOR COMMERCIAL!?!?!? I seriously thought I was having some kind of Diet Coke-overdose hallucination, but no, there they are. (Talk amongst yourselves…we’ll continue now.)
Out bathing suit shopping for their trip to Puerto Rico, Teresa and Gia compare their styles. Teresa likes leopard thongs and lots of cleavage, while Gia likes material that covers her a$$ cheeks, thank you very much. Tre is baffled that she could have raised such a “conservative” daughter. She’s also baffled over all of her daughters’ behavior lately. Gia offers some advice: Discipline us, woman! She tells Teresa straight up that she needs to be more strict and stop worrying about her kids “hating” her. But Teresa doesn’t want to be strict mom – she wants to be fun mom! But fun mom, as it turns out, kinda sucks.
Out to dinner with her parents, Mordecai and Rachel, Siggy asks them to compliment her face lift, which she thinks has healed nicely. (But what about her new personality? Cause that needs some serious work!) Siggy is upset about her son, Joshua, who she thinks is disrespectful. She also doesn’t want him to go far away for college, even though she left her parents behind in Israel to attend college in the U.S. Rachel reminds her of this, encouraging her to basically get a life of her own and cut the apron strings. “You have to adjust, not him,” says her father, who is a wise, wise man. (Now, can he please fix the rest of his daughter’s issues this season? PLEASE? We’ll wait.)
At Melissa and Joe’s home, Teresa comes by to toast to their new restaurant. “To the Gorgas!” chirps Teresa, who is obviously rubbing the name-factor in, but then immediately apologizes to Melissa for picking a fight with her at the restaurant. In a strangely mature move, Tre then admits she lashed out because she was hurt (wow…let’s allow that to sink in a moment) over Melissa’s comments about her parenting. But Melissa and Joe stand firm, both agreeing that Teresa is too lenient with her girls. They walk all over her! To Tre, advice about parenting is off limits though. She and Melissa let it go for now, agreeing they’ve got bigger calamari to fry.
Like Siggy, for instance, whose pathetic antics at her party have left everyone dumbfounded. Dolores has also become a wild card, at least to Teresa, who doesn’t know what the hell to believe. She can’t imagine Dolores ever saying something truly nasty about her, but Danielle’s story seemed somewhat believable. And Dolores’ reaction was so intense and over the top, it raises more questions, no?
Across town, Siggy is just trying to enjoy her anniversary with Michael, who toasts to their future. He’d like to see a future where his wife isn’t so busy with her career, but Siggy isn’t all about that stay-at-home-wife life. In fact, she’d like to
entrap take people on overnight self help retreats with Vikki, a divorce lawyer friend, so they can make money torturing people for 48 hours in a row! Michael doesn’t like the sound of this, nor does anyone within earshot. Siggy would like to test her retreat idea out on friends and family first to see how it goes. Groan. Cue the Housewives packing their bags for this fresh hell in less than a month! (I’ll bring the popcorn!)
In the throes of launching her shoe line, Margaret brings her team to NYC to meet with brand director, Susan, who shows them shoe samples. Marge Sr. is along for the ride, which is wonderful because I definitely need more of this woman in my life. Both Marges love pom-poms, faux fur, glittery embellishments, and fringe. In other words, they want these shoes to scream Jersey – and I definitely co-sign on that! Since she’s already done apparel, Marge thinks shoes are the next natural step (ba dum bump!). She expects they’ll be successful, just like everything else she’s created thus far.
At the Gorga restaurant, Joe has prominently displayed a photo of Teresa and him, so Tre’s finally satisfied. Giacinto is in the kitchen working while Tre, Melissa, and Joe discuss very important matters out front before their tasting party later. Such as: Will Dolores yell at Danielle? Will Siggy fall on the floor whining and flailing? And will Teresa show one boob or two in her sparkly halter top? Dang, you ingrates! Gramps is working his TAIL off in the kitchen while this brain trust is out here yammering on about high school drama. They need their heads knocked together, Bugs Bunny style.
But maybe they should be worried because Siggy is at home already plotting how she’s going to go crazy on Margaret and Danielle if they look at her sideways. Dolores is also ready for battle, though hopes it isn’t with Teresa. She’s bringing Frank Sr. (and hopefully his awesomely bad “#1 Dad” necklace) along for the ride, encouraging him to scarf down his meatballs as fast as possible. Question: Where the f**k is this David character and why is he not being trotted out for this party? This is starting to feel like a true crime mystery. #TheDisappearanceOfDoctorDavid
As the guests assemble at Joe and Melissa’s tasting, everyone plays nice – even Siggy. Until Teresa asks where her “sidekick” Dolores is. She also wonders why the hell Frank Sr. is living with Dolores again? It’s cray-cray and everyone knows it, but Margaret and Siggy defend Dolores’ strange decision to move him in. This stance makes them temporary allies, but that changes in a hot minute when they discuss whether Dolores actually talked trash behind Teresa’s back. Melissa defends Danielle as a “misunderstood person” who has a “big heart” (huh?), and everyone agrees. Everyone except Siggy.
Joe Gorga steps in to make a speech about the restaurant being a labor of love and a legacy for his family before beginning the tasting. As everyone eats and raves about the food (which does look tasty), Siggy snarks to Melissa about Margaret needing a sharper knife “so she can continue to stab me in the back.” Melissa thought all was well in Siggy/Marge Land, but nope. Dolores walks in at this very moment, just in time to help Siggy with the circus sideshow she’s about to star in.
Magaret is shocked to feel the bad vibes coming from Dolores, and by proxy, Siggy. She has no idea why they’ve got their noses out of joint again over nothing – and frankly, neither does anyone else. So, now we must listen to them explain! Repeatedly, exhaustingly, they explaaaaaaaaaiiiin themselves to everyone. Obviously, Siggy is upset with Margaret for icing her out of the flower ceremony in Boca (which Marge still defends wasn’t a calculated move), and Dolores doesn’t like how “Ellie May Clampett” came into the group via Siggy (not true, if you listen to Marge’s side of the story, actually) then warmed up to the Gorgas/Giudices right away.
Bottom line: these two chicks are jealous that the new girl is more popular than them.
Melissa tries to defend Margaret, but Siggy is now at level ten crazy – a place where she’s been living all season long. She doesn’t want to forgive Margaret – now or ever. Because she needs everyone to understand her very special and very important feelings. But when Margaret comes over to confront Siggy head on, Siggy can’t manage to use her big girl words, so she just screams “I’M NOT OVER IT!” and sticks out her tongue. This leads Margaret
and the entire viewing audience to wonder if Siggy skipped her meds tonight? Or the past few months?!? Or if the butt pellets have punctured her brain stem?
Now that she’s in the gutter, Siggy rolls around in it a bit more, shading Margaret’s businesses because her stuff is made in China. Dolores piles on next. “I don’t like any of her stuff,” she snarks, which doesn’t shock Margaret since it comes out of the mouth of a Siggy-puppet. But what is the real issue here? Dolores says she doesn’t like how Margaret treated her friend. Then Siggy, now in full-tilt toddler mode, slams her fists on the table and shouts “You’re one of the ugliest humans in the world for MAKING FUN OF ME!”
It’s all anyone can do not to actually burst out laughing at Siggy’s moronic meltdown, but somehow they manage. That is, until Siggy storms out, then back in again to shake her rack at the back of Margaret’s head, then do some sort of weird dive-lunge at her. (Was that some kind of pigtail voodoo? What did we just witness there?) Siggy, girrrrrllll – the men in white coats are coming for you. For real. Grab your insurance card, honey.
Not willing to let Siggy get away with the last crazy move, Danielle taunts Dolores and Frank Sr. on the way out, asking if this mysterious boyfriend, David, actually exists? “It’s none of your f**king business!” screams Dolores in Danielle’s face before Teresa physically restrains her. Hmm. Danielle may be misunderstood by the likes of dear, dull Melissa, but we see you Ms. Staub! She’s been training for this type Housewife brawl for years, and she’s definitely back in the ring.
TELL US: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH SIGGY? (SERIOUSLY?!) ARE DOLORES AND DANIELLE GOING TO DUKE IT OUT ALL SEASON? IS THERE ANY TRUTH TO DANIELLE’S CLAIMS ABOUT HER? IS MARGARET HANDLING HERSELF WELL OR DIGGING A DEEPER HOLE?
Photo Credit: Bravo