Let’s see: Jen has generally sucked at her job, publicly called her boss, Kate Chastain, a whore, gotten sloppy drunk once, or twice, maybe thrice, entered the book of world records for slowest latte making, was sexually harassed, but NOT sexually satisfied as she so desperately wants – instead Yachterella constantly bemoaned that she never gets taken to any balling, luckily Jen also gave herself an orgasm over dinner! She’s also thrown her chief stew under the propellor to guests, fought with Brianna Adekeye, resurrected the Jan Brady hairstyle one flowby at a time, and most recently scratched Bruno Duarte. A small part of me feels like Jen and Tom Cruise are soulmates – now that she’s officially too slut shaming for Kyle Dixon.
Sheesh guys, where is Jen’s fairy godmother?!
We pick up this week where last weeks’ episode left off – with a raging out of control Jen screaming in Bruno’s face while he tries in vain to ‘control’ this woman. Why was Bruno even involved? Apparently he decided that after Jen called Baker Manning a whore, he needed to protect Baker, then he got mad that Jen was directing her rage at him and decided Jen deserved to be punished by being LOCKED in the bathroom! Like solitary confinement. Except, despite his arrogance, Bruno is not the Valor decorum police.
I have SO many thoughts on this scenario. Like why was BRUNO complaining to everyone that Jen scratched him as if it was unprovoked! He put his hands on her and was literally manhandling her! I’d scratch his ass too! Yes, she was yelling but Kyle and Bruno got themselves involved when Baker was warning everyone to just let it go. Yet, everyone is behaving as if Jen needed to be restrained and Bruno was saving them from this wild SheHulkian creature. Why wasn’t anyone telling Bruno know how unacceptable it is for him to grab his co-worker like that? Also, if Jen is truly so out of control, why did no one get Kate, or Lee?
The next morning, Kate did in fact ‘get’ Jen. In an emergency stew meeting, she informs Jen that she’s lucky she wasn’t fired and is no longer allowed to speak in anyway except to say, “How can I help” and “Copy, Kate,” while she officially becomes the boat’s bitch. Just like Jen imagine she’s been all along! Kate warns that if there’s even the teeniest of incidents she’ll be kicked off Valor. Basically, Jen is grounded. And she can’t leave her room without permission.
This charter season has been such an education for Kate – she’s gone from parenting an infant, to a toddler, to a small child asserting her independence, and now a surly back talking teen who needs a firm hand. Who says Kate asks Jesus for permanent birth control this Christmas?!
Meanwhile, a brown-nosing Bri is rewarded with her stew stripes! Nico also checks in with his deck crew, all of whom were victimized by Jen, to make sure they’re all recovering OK. Poor Bruno – he was most abused of all! That scratch! I hope he’s up to date with his tetanus and rabies shots.
Kate would actually love to fire Jen for insubordination and incompetence, but there’s one charter remaining and she can’t justify the extra hassle especially when extremely demanding primary charter Timothy is returning. Hey – he loves craziness, so maybe he’ll adore Jen? So in addition to micromanaging Jen, Kate is also micromanaging Matt Burns, who better wow these wannabe foodies with some super out of the box cuisine!
Unfortunately, despite all Kate’s threats and lectures, Jen is STILL not staying in line. She rolls her eyes, complains that she’s being denied food, calls Kate a bitch behind her back, spends eons fixing her hair and uniform (without permission) while she should be unloading food, mumbles under her breath, and then sticks her fingers in the serving bowl for the crew lunch and munches from it. Don’t tell Kyle – or maybe Jen did it just to torment him? I hope! HAHAHA
At least Jen apologized to Baker who, of course, graciously accepted; and Bruno, who acted as if he deserved the apology when he did not. Poor Jen – does no one understand that she just needs love and acceptance, like the Velveteen Rabbit!
Then it’s Timothy Time! A man Kate describes as revenge of the nerds and desperate to be cool. Last time he came aboard from a helicopter, this time P. Duddy is arriving via “alternative watercraft”. I don’t know about y’all, but I was envisioning hot air balloons landing onto rafts, or perhaps a surfboard pulled by a dolphin? But nope – it was just plain old jet skis! With that pretension, Kate has feelings she’s about to take a baaaad trip (with bad company).
Kate’s other problem is Kyle. After he insulted Kate’s management of the stewardesses, he’s following her around the boat asking if she’s OK. Kyle may have been directing his original criticism at Jen, but Kate feels insulted nonetheless. Especially by someone who has NO idea the lengths she has gone to dealing with Jen! Poor Kyle is missing the point, though, and wants to know if they’re still friends, but Kate is mean girling him into submission. No, they aren’t friends because friends blindly obey. So, if he wants to get back in her good graces, he’ll have to be her bitch first. Later, Kate finds Kyle SLEEPING in the crew mess while on duty. Who is shirking responsibility now? I mean Jen still is, but Kyle, the hypocrite, also is (Kylocrite?)!
Timothy is the same as ever – arrogant, insufferable, and demanding. He comments that Valor is a step-up and a much more modern than the “floating Holiday Inn” he chartered last time. He immediately wonders where the internet is. Back on shore, bro! Timothy also has two more charter guest arriving later, but instead of waiting for them so they could all partake in alternative watercraft arrivals, Captain Lee has to pick them up the tender and they miss lunch. Timothy relishes that they’ll get soaked while he’s enjoying Caribbean-spiced fish.
Yes, Matt has FINALLY turned up the heat. No more salads! He’s grilling the whole fish complete with crispy eyes staring the guests down, surrounded by vegetables. Seeing the plates Kate feels like Big Brother Trout is watching her. She’s being judged and it’s not by Jen, this time! But Timorthy and crew love it.
And just when he was congratulating himself on all the improvements he’s made and how he’s a real-live yachtie now, Bruno injures himself while lowering the slide with Nico. In his cockiness, his leg was pinned to the boat by the slide rope. Bruno is blessed with some super nasty rope burn to add to his terrible scratch. Captain Lee considers them battle scars and lessons. Somewhere Jen’s crazy eyes glinted “KARMA BITCH” – maybe she put a curse on him. Next he’ll get fat and lose his 9-pack! But at least Bruno pulled it together and worked through his pain – unlike Nico who took a three-day staycation in his cabin being waited on hand and foot by Bri.
While Bruno nurses his wounds, Nico transports Timothy to a nearby island for WiFi access. While waiting for the guests, poor Baker is trapped on the tender with Nico as he pours his heart about what’s going to happen with Bri. Post-charter, they’re supposed to spend a couple days in St. Martin together, but suddenly Nico is missing Melissa and has doubts. CORRECTION: Suddenly Bri is having doubts and, feeling rebuffed and rejected, Nico is running back to Melissa, pretending he knew all along that she was the one. Sadly, Melissa forgives him.
Apparently, Nico ‘realizes’ what he gave up for his raunchy on-board fling, and misses his committed relationship with Melissa. Oh really? Isn’t that convenient. Suddenly, Nico and Bri are sleeping in separate bunks and he’s using his break time to call Melissa to make plans after charter season. Does Melissa have no self-respect? She was dumped, via text, like 10 minutes before Nico wanted to f–k another girl then started making out with her, yet she’s willing to give him another chance?! Nico is disgusting. He deserves rope burn
on his peen.
Bri admits to Matt that she’s wishy-washy about letting things continue post-charter. She just wants Nico to understand that she doesn’t want commitment of any kind, even though he dumped his girlfriend for her. These people are soulless. Yet everyone hates Jen?! She’s only nuts.
Well, at least Matt killed it with dinner. His chef’s tasting meal was such a success, Timothy demanded the last minute addition of a 7th course. Apparently Kate literally has to do everything – even coach the chef through his nervous breakdown and into his zen place of good cooking.
Since Timothy has demanded an all-seafood/all the time menu, the next morning, Matt wows them again with lobster omelets. Hopefully he can continue his streak for the final circus-themed dinner.
As Timothy and his boys decamp to another island for wifi, Kate is left organizing this circus. And Valor is a literal circus! Each crew member is given a a role, Bri as the sexy clown, and Jen, mercifully, as a mime – no talking! Kyle is supposed to make balloon animals, but this suddenly seems an insurmountable task for the perma-clown. He can’t seem to get his assignment straight and repeatedly asks Kate when he’s supposed to do it and how. She pulls him in for a mental health evaluation.
Kate realizes this is just another way of Kyle ‘checking in’ that they’re ‘OK’ – so she tells him straight out that they’re NOT. After treating him distantly and extra-bitchily all charter, she informs him that insulting her work ethic and blaming the stewardesses for issues on the Valor is unacceptable. Then she demands he get out of her face because the queen has a champagne tower to construct and no more time for peons.
Kate reminds everyone that for all his lavish spending on spraying champagne, 5-star meals, and extra demands, Timothy is still extra stingy with the gratuities. What a douche!
Next week is the season finale – and we find out if Timothy is impressed enough with the crew to hand out the big money tip, and things between Jen, Bri, and Kate explode!
TELL US – IS KATE BEING TOO HARD ON JEN? SHOULD SHE HAVE BEEN FIRED?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]